Tangled Past

by Leah Braemel

  His mind raced through the possibilities. They had their own land, their own ranch. He wouldn’t have to rely on anyone else ever again. But he did have a reason to stay here. One very important reason. Nate himself.

  Had tonight been good-bye without him realizing it? No, he was getting ahead of himself. “Did Sarah say she wanted to go back?”

  “No. That’s why I was going to the kitchen when I interrupted you two—to find out what you’d decided.”

  “I hadn’t told him yet.” Sarah stood in the doorway. She’d put on Nate’s robe. A strange warmth floated over him at how they blended together so well. She met Jackson’s gaze. “I was going to tell you earlier, but I got distracted. Besides, I didn’t think it was something we had to decide about right away.”

  “It’s not,” Jackson said slowly. “What’s your gut saying about it?”

  “I don’t have any fond memories. And I was glad to leave. The idea of going back…” She walked into Jackson’s outstretched arm and snuggled against him. “We could sell it. Maybe buy some land here close by? The old Cain place you were talking about, perhaps? It’s close enough that we could have some cattle of our own, and you could still see Nate.”

  It was a solution he’d considered himself. Part of him clung to her saying he could still see Nate, while another part of his conscience reminded him of his marriage vows. If she decided to leave, he’d go with her. It didn’t matter what he felt for Nate—he was Sarah’s husband, and he’d given her, and the preacher, his word.

  Nate forced his gaze to Sarah and took a deep breath. “There is another solution. You could stay here. With me. Make this your home permanently. Like we are right now. As lovers.”

  Lovers. The three of them. Sarah’s knees were still wobbly from the orgasm they’d given her earlier. Was it possible to have this type of pleasure night after night? Them pleasuring her and her them?

  Maybe loving between men involved a different set of emotions. Maybe they only sought physical pleasure, not emotional.

  You can’t leave me. Don’t die on me, you hear? I couldn’t take it. I love you.

  I love you, Sarah. I love Jackson too.

  Maybe not.

  “The choice is yours, Sarah.” Jackson stroked her shoulders, then trailed his hands down her sides to cup her breast. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy.”

  “And if I said no, you’d walk away, sacrifice your own happiness?”

  “If you’re not happy, I wouldn’t be either. I told you, I gave you my vows to love and cherish you. If that means leaving here, never seeing Nate again, then I will.”

  “But you love Nate too. I heard you, when you thought he was going to die.” She squared her shoulders. “I can go back to the McLeod place, hire a manager to run it for me, and you can stay here to live with Nate. The way you were before.”

  “Yes. It’s true. I love Nate. But that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of loving you too.” When she shook her head, he gripped her arms until she looked at him. “Does Miss Martha love one of her children more than her others? She loves ’em all equally, Sarah. It’s the same with me. I can love Nate at the same time that I love you.” He glanced at Nate who stared out over the dark pastures. “Besides, even if you do pack up and leave, it’s too dangerous for us to go on the way we had been. What happened that night in the barn proved it.”

  “He’s right, Sarah.” Nate faced them. The moonlight highlighted the stark fear and desperation in his face. “Things around here aren’t the same as they were even fifteen years ago. There’s more people movin’ in, bringing rules and order to these parts that we never had to worry about before. You leave, and people will start talking. And as much as they may have whispered about us, tolerated us even, one day someone’s going to get a burr under their saddle, and they’ll stretch our necks for us on that old oak out front.

  “Same goes.” Nate’s smile was crooked. “Don’t leave me, Sarah. Don’t leave Jackson either. We both love you too much.”

  If she left, they might be happy together for a while, but she wouldn’t. She loved Jackson. Life without him and Nate in it would be cold, dull and lonely. If she left, she’d constantly worry that their secret would be found out, and they’d be lynched. She wouldn’t be able to live with the knowledge her presence might have saved their lives.

  Yet if she stayed… “I don’t want you to wake up and realize you resent having me in your bed instead of Nate.” I don’t want to wake up and discover I’m unwanted. Unwelcome.

  But if she asked him to move back to the McLeod place, wouldn’t she be asking him to give up Nate, asking him to give up a love he’d had long before he’d met her? That wasn’t fair either.

  “It doesn’t have to be that way,” Nate stated.

  Before he could continue, she waved him off any arguments. “Because you say it won’t? My mother told me Mr. McLeod ‘forgave her’ for sleeping with my father after I was born, yet he never touched her again. They grew to despise each other.”

  “Sssh, it’s just a suggestion.” Jackson tucked her head beneath his chin. “We don’t have to make any decisions tonight. Or even this month.”

  Nate touched her shoulder. “Come back to bed. Both of you. I don’t want to waste another minute tonight. Even if we do nothing else but sleep, I want you both beside me.”

  They followed him back to his bedroom, where they positioned her between them. Perhaps they knew she couldn’t sleep, for they distracted her with kisses and gentle soothing touches until the sky was grey with the coming dawn.

  Chapter Ten

  After a brief moment of panic when she opened her eyes, Sarah realized she was in Nate’s bedroom. Alone in Nate’s bed. The memories of what she’d done—they’d done—the night before played through her mind. While she knew it was scandalous, she couldn’t find it in herself to regret a single moment.

  The delicious scent of bacon drifting up from the kitchen tempted her to climb from the bed. The ewer had been filled with fresh water—Jackson’s doing, most likely—but its water was lukewarm, not hot, which meant he’d filled it a while ago. She dunked the wash cloth into the water and washed her face and hands in what her mother would have called a lick and a promise, but it would have to do. She dressed quickly, not bothering to seek her corset from her own bedroom, simply pulling the shift they’d dropped on the floor the night before over her head.

  To her surprise, the only person in the kitchen was Martha. Before she could dart back to her bedroom to get properly dressed, the woman looked up from sweeping the floor, her gaze taking in Sarah’s unbraided hair, loose dress and bare feet.

  “Good morning, Martha. I didn’t realize you were back.” Reminding herself that Nate had told her this was her home, or might be if she and Jackson decided to take Nate up on his offer, Sarah held her head high. “Have you seen Jackson or Nate this morning?”

  “Jackson’s already left for the fields, and Nate said he was restless, so he had the boys hook up a carriage and has driven into town.” Martha gestured for her to sit at the table then slid a plate of fried potatoes, bacon, sausage and eggs from the oven.

  Sarah toyed with her food, cutting the sausage into pieces and moving the eggs around on the plate.

  Martha slanted her a glance she couldn’t read. “Are you going to eat that sausage, or just play with it for the rest of the mornin’?”

  What had happened between them last night was no one’s business but their own. But she had so many questions. She wanted a woman’s point of view, but that would be impossible. With a sigh, she set her fork down on her plate. “I guess I’m not hungry.”

  “That can portend a great deal.” Her gaze fell to Sarah’s flat stomach. “Shall I be offering Jackson my congratulations next time I see him?” Martha’s expression hardened. “Or Nate?”

  “I beg your pardon?” She flattened her hand over her belly. The idea that she could be carrying either man’s child caused the blood to flood her face. Yet if she did g
et with child, she’d love it no matter its father, and she knew with absolute certainty both men would love the babe as well.

  “Did you think to hide that you were sleeping in Nate’s bed this morning, not your husband’s?”

  Her veins chilled to ice as she realized the damage the woman could do in the community. A whisper here and there could quickly set the rural grapevine afire. “I shared the bed with my husband, thank you. And I’ll thank you to keep such mean-spirited gossip to yourself.”

  To her surprise, instead of being angry at the rebuke, Martha nodded. “Good. Glad to see you’re taking that attitude. There’s hope for the three of you yet.”

  “The three of us?”

  Martha nodded as she slipped onto the bench opposite Sarah. “I’ve got eyes in my head, girl. And ears too. Jackson loves you, but so does Nate. And those boys love each other too, as much as they try to deny themselves.” She reached across and patted Sarah’s hand. “Just try to keep what goes on here to yourselves.”

  They were that obvious? She forced herself to pick up her fork and stabbed a piece of sausage. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “As I said, I’ve got eyes in my head. Finding you in Nate’s bed this morning only confirmed what I’ve suspected for a while now. You’re lying with them both, aren’t you?”

  The small amount of food she’d forced down threatened to make another appearance. “You mustn’t tell anyone. Please.”

  “Oh, bless your heart, child, I wouldn’t say a word to anyone. I’m good at keeping secrets. Trust me. I’d kill myself before I’d hurt Jackson.”

  The emphasis the older woman placed on her last sentence spoke volumes. If only Sarah could decipher what she implied. She ran through what Martha had told her earlier about Jackson’s grandparents. Of how Mary had lived with two men. How Martha had fought to bring Mary’s daughter with them. Of her anger that she might have betrayed Jackson.

  Sarah sat up in her chair. Why hadn’t she seen it before? “There was no Mary, was there? You’re Ruth’s mother. It’s not Nate you come to visit, it’s Jackson.”

  Martha stared, her eyes wide in horror. “No. You mustn’t say such things.”

  “But I’m right. Aren’t I?” She leaned forward, the pieces clicking together like a child’s puzzle. “You didn’t start working for the Campbells until after Jackson’s father died. After Jackson came here to live. You’re his grandmother.”

  “You mustn’t tell anyone. Not even Jackson.” Her fingernails dug into Sarah’s wrist, though Sarah doubted Martha was aware how hard she was gripping. “You have to promise me.”

  “For heaven’s sake, why not? Jackson thinks he’s alone in the world. Do you know what it would mean to him to know he’s not? That his grandmother is alive? You have to tell him. Please, Martha.”

  “I can’t. My husband made me promise I’d never acknowledge Ruth or him as blood kin. I begged Abner to let me keep her with us, but he refused. To this day, he says it’s God’s punishment for my fornicating with savages. If he found out anyone else knew, that I’d told you, he’d send me away. I’d end up working as a street walker selling myself to drunkards and worse for pennies.”

  “Jackson would never let that happen. You could come live with us.”

  “I couldn’t. Abner would tell everyone what I’d done. Neither Jackson or you would escape their censure either. Please, you mustn’t say anything to Jackson or anyone.”

  “She doesn’t have to tell me because you just did,” Jackson said from the doorway.

  Martha jumped from her seat, her hands twisting in front of her. “Please forgive me. I loved your mother. I hated having to leave her with the Gallaghers, but I didn’t have any choice. Abner was willing to overlook where he’d met me, but if I hadn’t agreed to give Ruth up, he would have left me in the whorehouse.”

  He took off his hat and ran a hand through his hair. “Did Mama know who you were? That you were her real mother?”

  “No. I didn’t dare tell her.” Tears streamed down Martha’s cheeks. “I wanted to tell her, please believe me. But when she was little, it was too dangerous, and when she was older, when she was carryin’ you, I was too afraid. I had a home and a husband who accepted me. I had Charles and Olivia to think about. While they knew I’d lived with the Indians, they had no idea that I’d been…they have no idea Ruth was their half-sister.”

  “You don’t need to worry. I won’t tell anyone.” His hand shook as he placed it on her shoulder. “You really are my grandmother?”

  “Yes.” Hope flared in her eyes, and her voice steadied.

  He enveloped Martha in his arms and cradled her, his eyes closed. Sarah pressed the heel of her hand to her chest as they stood there for a long time, just rocking each other. When they finally broke apart, Jackson swiped his thumb beneath his eyes and blew out a long breath. “If Abner ever hurts you or threatens you, if he tries to use it against you because he thinks someone knows, you come to me. You hear? You don’t ever need to worry that you won’t have a home.”

  Sniffling, Martha smiled and reached up to touch his cheek. “I’ll remember that.”

  She took a deep breath and straightened her spine, returning to the in-control woman they knew. “Well, I think I’ve had about all the surprises I can handle for a day. I think I’ll leave you two alone.” She faced Sarah. “You treat my grandson right. Or you’ll be answering to me.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Sarah smiled at the wink the older woman gave her.

  Once they were alone, Jackson tugged her into his arms. “I’ve known her all my life and never figured that she was my grandmother. How’d you figure it out?”

  “Maybe because I haven’t known her all my life?” She rested her head against his chest, his heart thumping softly against her ear. Steady. Strong. “You don’t blame her for not telling you or your mother, do you?”

  “Nope. She made the best of a bad situation. Despite what Miss Martha thinks, the Gallaghers were kind to Mama. Probably kinder than that horse’s hind end Abner Simons would have been to her.”

  One of the farm hands yelled to another, reminding her that he’d returned unexpectedly. “Why did you come back anyway?”

  “I saw Nate leaving in the cart and figured we should talk without him around.” His expression grew serious. “About what he proposed last night. The decision is completely yours, Sarah. If you want to go back and see if we can make the McLeod ranch work, I’ll go with you. If you want to sell it and buy something closer around here, I’ll do that too. Last night…that was a gift I cannot repay. But I took vows to be faithful to you, Sarah. I intend to honor them.”

  That he was giving her full control touched her. He was willing to walk away from not only Nate, but his family. “If I never set eyes on the McLeod ranch again, I’ll be happy. I know how important it is to have family, to have people you care about and who care about you. I’m not about to take Martha away from you now you’ve just found her.”

  She looked around the kitchen and realized she’d spent a lot of hours either working with Martha talking and laughing or sitting at the table with Jackson and Nate, making good memories. By marrying her, Jackson had become her family. Which meant Martha was as well. And, though he might not be related by blood, Nate.

  “You don’t have to make a decision today, Sarah. We’ve got lots of time.”

  Why should she deny herself the happiness that swelled within her by adding distance between them? “There’s no decision to make. I think we should stay here. Martha will continue to come over, and no one will question it. With Nate’s injury, he’s going to need help, and no one will question us staying to help him out either. I may end up in the fires of hell for admitting it, but I loved last night. I love you, and I love Nate too. I say we agree to Nate’s suggestion.”

  His body went absolutely still. The emotions that played across his face—hope, love, need—told her she’d made the right choice. “Are you sure?”

  “More th
an any decision I’ve ever made before.” She laced her fingers with his and led him upstairs.

  He stayed still as she untied his bandana and smoothed it out, laying it on the bed. His chaps were soon removed and set aside. Her teeth tugging at her bottom lip, she unbuttoned his shirt.

  A gentle smile tilted the corners of his lips, softening his normally hard expression. He pulled his shirttails from his trousers and over his head. His undervest quickly followed it.

  When she knelt in front of him and unbuttoned the front placket of his pants, Jackson stroked her hair, lifting the long strands and letting them fall through his fingers. No words were needed between them as he stepped out of his trousers. The flap covering the opening of his drawers was taut, outlining his erection. She traced a finger along the thick shaft, then tugged at the silk tape at his waist.

  The wood hard beneath her knees, Sarah lifted her eyes as she let his drawers fall around his ankles. Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She touched it to the slit of his cock and swiped it around the head, leaving it glistening. His grip on her hair tightened when her lips closed around the shaft and slowly travelled its length until her nose rested against the nest of curls at its base.

  A horse whinneyed outside, a stallion calling to a mare perhaps, and a crow called its raucous caw as it flew overhead. But inside their bedroom, all she could hear was the pounding of her pulse in her ears and Jackson’s soft growl.

  At first he let her set the pace, a gentle back and forth motion, her tongue slapping at his swollen head with each pass. His cock swelled against her tongue, and his fingers held her in place. He pumped his hips, forcing her to relax the back of her mouth with each stroke. A dribble of his seed was all the warning he gave her before he cursed, his hips bucking.

  She swallowed, almost frantically, as pulse after pulse of hot salty essence poured down her throat.

  As his cock softened in her mouth, she licked it clean then pulled back to sit on her heels.