Cast Me Gently

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Teresa was watching her closely. “You said you were ten when he died?”

  Ellie nodded. She didn’t usually like to think about the accident. “Something fell on him at the mill, crushed him, and broke lots of bones. He finally died in the hospital of pneumonia.”

  “I’m sorry,” Teresa said. “We shouldn’t be talking about this tonight.”

  “It’s okay.” Ellie met Teresa’s eyes. “I want you to know. Everything.” She took a sip of her wine. “Sometimes, I feel like I’m forgetting them or at least forgetting the good parts. When I think of them, I think of them as they were after the accident or after the cancer.” She forced a smile onto her face. “I want to remember them the way they were before, when we were all together and happy.”

  An awkward silence followed her words.

  “And I want to thank you again for Christmas,” Ellie said at last, to fill the void and change the subject.

  “I’m so glad you accepted my invitation.”

  Teresa’s eyes were soft and large as they shone a bit, and her lips as she smiled curved in a way that made Ellie long to reach out and touch them. The light from the candle on their table lit her face, and Ellie’s hands itched for a pencil. So preoccupied was she with these thoughts that it took her a moment to realize Teresa was speaking.

  “Sorry, what was that?”

  “I said, Bernie was asking about Christmas,” Teresa repeated. “I told her you were with us.”

  Ellie heard the hard edge to her voice. “What happened?”

  “We argued. When I told her about you, she said… things.”

  An old, familiar shiver of apprehension ran up Ellie’s spine. She didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to know, but she heard herself ask, “What kind of things?”

  She couldn’t meet Teresa’s eyes any longer.

  “She—” Teresa stopped abruptly as their waiter appeared with their salads. She waited until he left. “It doesn’t really matter. She said some things. I said some things. It was ugly.”

  Ellie suddenly had no appetite. “I shouldn’t have come. Shouldn’t have intruded.”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Teresa leaned forward. “That was the best Christmas of my life,” she said firmly. “Being with you made it the best Christmas of my life.”

  Ellie raised her eyes. “For me, too.” They were dancing all around it, like an enchanted chasm yawning between them, spanned by an invisible bridge that could only be crossed if they had enough faith, if they could be true and say what was in their hearts, but we can’t, Ellie realized. Neither of us can say it.

  They were startled by the amplified strum of a guitar as a female musician tested her microphone. She said good evening to the crowd and began singing a Melissa Manchester song. Ellie watched Teresa watching the singer and felt kind of relieved that they’d stopped talking to listen. She’d wanted this evening to be special, to maybe even… She turned her attention to her salad. She knew what she wanted. Sometimes, she thought Teresa wanted it, too, but taking that next step was so terrifying.

  “Are you okay?” Teresa asked in a low voice halfway through their dinner, and Ellie realized she’d hardly said a word since their entrées were served.

  “I’m fine,” she said. “Just listening to the music.”

  “Are we staying here until midnight?”

  Ellie smiled. “No. I have other plans for after dinner. I hope you don’t mind.”

  Teresa looked at her in a way that warmed Ellie through and through. “I won’t mind anything, as long as I’m with you,” Teresa said.

  Ellie chuckled. “We’ll see if you still say that when you see what I have planned.”

  “Can you believe this view?”

  They stood at the top of Mt. Washington, looking down at a spectacular view of the Point, where Pittsburgh’s three rivers come together. Most of the downtown buildings had left their lights on for the countdown to the new year, and the rivers visible far below were dotted with boats strung with colored lights. A half moon added her illumination to the scene.

  “I’ve lived in this city all my life, and I’ve never been up here,” Teresa said, staring in wonder.

  “I haven’t been since I was a kid,” said Ellie. “We used to come up here and picnic, all four of us, when I was little. Dad would put me on his shoulders so I could feel even higher.”

  A few other people had ridden up the Monongahela Incline with them. Teresa and Ellie wandered off to an isolated spot. They found a large rock and perched on it, shoulders touching.

  “What did Bernie say?” Ellie asked. “When you argued. What was it about?”

  She felt Teresa tense against her shoulder.

  “It was about you, kind of,” Teresa said. “She guessed how I feel about you.”

  There it was again—hanging there, begging to be said aloud, if only one of them could be brave enough to take that first step.

  “And how is that?” Ellie could feel the turmoil as Teresa struggled to know what to say. “I have to ask, because…” Her heart was beating so that it was hard to breathe. You have to. One of us has to say it. She shifted on the rock and forced herself to look at Teresa, whose features were dimly lit by the moon. “…because I love you.”

  The words hung in the cold air for what felt like a long time.

  “If you don’t feel the same,” she went on before Teresa could say anything, “I understand. If you don’t ever want to see me again, I’ll understand. Just tell me—”

  “I love you, too.”

  “—and I’ll leave you alone.”

  Teresa took Ellie’s mittened hand. “I said, I love you, too.”

  “You do?”

  Ellie’s free hand flew to her mouth and she gave a kind of hiccup as she fought to hold back sudden tears. She got up and walked a few steps away before turning to look back at Teresa.

  Teresa glanced around, but the others who had come up with them were over at the incline, waiting for the next car to take them back down. She followed Ellie and stood there, her hands stuffed into her coat pockets.

  When Ellie could speak again, she said, “How long have you felt like this?”

  “I don’t know for sure. I think I knew at Thanksgiving. Maybe before that.” She dug her heel into the frozen ground. “That’s what Bernie guessed. I lied, though.” Teresa shook her head. “She said it like it was something to be ashamed of, but it isn’t. When I was young, one of the nuns gave us a lecture on relationships, and she went on and on about how unnatural it was to love another girl. I was sure she was talking directly to me. I’ve never let myself…” She looked down at the rivers below. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I thought I never would, but it feels like the most natural thing in the world. More natural than anything I’ve ever felt before.”

  They could hear the incline rattling up the hill, and a new group of people got off to take in the view.

  “I’ve never told anyone this before,” Ellie said in a low voice. “There was a girl, the daughter of my foster family. We became friends quickly, and then, she started coming into my room at night. At first, she lay in the other bed, and we’d talk and stuff, but then for some reason, she—” Ellie stopped. Even here, all these years later, it was hard to talk about. She could feel her face burn with shame.

  “What did she do?”

  “She started crawling into my bed and we—I was so innocent. I didn’t know anything. She was the one who came to me, who—” She paused to wipe a tear from her cheek. “I’m not saying I didn’t want it. I did. Nothing really happened. Just kisses and cuddling, but for years, I’ve felt like I was contaminated, dirty.” She forced herself to look at Teresa. “I guess she felt guilty or something, because she went to her mother. Except she made it sound like I was the one who… The mother dragged me to their priest, who lectured me on being a sinner ag
ainst God and nature, and corrupting Katie with my sin.” Ellie took a deep breath. “It was hell, staying with them after that, but I had to. The day I turned eighteen, I moved out. I never spoke to her again.”

  “And you’ve never forgiven her,” Teresa said softly.

  Ellie shook her head. “I’ve tried not to even think about her.” She paused, searching for words. “But I could never forget how I felt when I was with her. I never let myself feel that way toward anyone else, but I knew I could never marry a man. Not after that.” She met Teresa’s eyes. “And then I met you. It… it brought up lots of old memories. That’s part of what’s made things so tough these last weeks.” She looked back out at the city below them. “The holidays are usually kind of hard, but this year, wanting so much to be with you, made it even lonelier.”

  Teresa looked around, but the other people were all gathered near the incline. “I don’t want you to ever be alone again,” she murmured. “You told me once that you were sure you’d fall in love someday.” She hesitated. “You said you were sure you’d meet someone you loved so much you would wonder how you ever felt whole without them.”

  Ellie gave an embarrassed little laugh. “You remember all that?”

  “I remember because I already felt like I wasn’t whole without you. I just didn’t know how to say it.”

  “I can’t believe I’m hearing you say it now.” Ellie shivered. “Silly me. I thought we could stay up here until midnight, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

  “Do you want to go back to the restaurant?” Teresa asked.

  Ellie looked long into Teresa’s eyes, searching, hoping they wanted the same thing. “No,” she whispered.

  Teresa swallowed and nodded. She held out her hand. “Let’s go.”

  CHAPTER 18

  Teresa never could recall much about the ride back to Ellie’s apartment. She did remember that they crept up the stairs quietly and didn’t turn on any lights for fear of Sullivan inviting himself over. Ellie tossed KC a catnip toy to keep her occupied. It wouldn’t occur to Teresa until much later to ask Ellie if she’d kept that toy handy, “just in case?” Ellie only smiled and never really answered.

  After they’d hung their coats up, Ellie led the way to the living room and they sat on the couch. Teresa was glad they hadn’t headed straight to the bedroom. She was already having a hard time breathing, and was afraid she might pass out if they moved too fast.

  After the things they talked about on Mt. Washington, Ellie must have felt released from some of her constraints, because she moved close, her fingers exploring the contours of Teresa’s face. Teresa sat quite still and let herself experience Ellie’s touch. She closed her eyes as Ellie traced a featherlight fingertip over her eyebrows, down her nose, tracing the outline of her lips.

  “That tickles,” Teresa whispered, smiling.

  “Does this tickle?” Ellie whispered back. The trail of Ellie’s fingers along her lips left Teresa’s skin tingling everywhere they touched. Is it possible to die from softness? she wondered in some vague part of her brain that was still sluggishly working. When at last, Ellie’s mouth reached Teresa’s, she was ready to respond, her lips parting of their own accord, her tongue gently searching, hesitant at first. Ellie returned the pressure and Teresa’s confidence grew. So engrossed was Teresa in the sensations of Ellie’s mouth, the light puffs of Ellie’s breath on her cheek, that she was startled to find her hand reaching up into Ellie’s hair, letting the fine strands sift through her fingers. Ellie’s hand ran down Teresa’s side to her hip, coming back up to caress the curve of Teresa’s breast. Without breaking their kiss, Ellie shifted, pushing Teresa back on the sofa so that Ellie could lie on top of her.

  Teresa had never imagined anyone could fit with her so seamlessly. She let her hands explore the contours of Ellie’s body—the curve of her waist and the soft swell of her hips—but when Ellie slipped one thigh between hers, Teresa nearly moaned out loud. She involuntarily lifted her pelvis to press against Ellie, and again, some part of her thought, how does my body know what to do?

  Ellie pulled away and looked down at Teresa. “Come to the bedroom.”

  She got up and took Teresa by the hand. She led her into the bedroom, where the blinds were still open, allowing moonlight into the room.

  “Shouldn’t we close the blinds?” Teresa asked.

  Ellie shook her head. “No one can see us. Let me see how beautiful you are.” She gently tugged Teresa’s sweater over her head and began unbuttoning her blouse. Teresa’s hands flew up to cover Ellie’s and stop her.

  “If we’re moving too fast, you can tell me.” Ellie said. “I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready.”

  Ellie lifted her face.

  As Teresa lowered her mouth to Ellie’s, she forgot to be afraid and let Ellie undo the buttons, pushing the blouse off her shoulders so that Ellie’s hands were now touching bare skin. Teresa couldn’t suppress a moan as goose bumps erupted in the wake of Ellie’s trailing fingers. Teresa reached for the hem of Ellie’s sweater and eased it over her head. She stood gaping at the beauty of Ellie’s slender body. Moonlight glinted off the heart hanging around her neck above a lacy bra covering small, firm breasts. Ellie stood still and let Teresa slide the straps down, running her hands over Ellie’s collarbones and down over her chest, teasing the edge of the lace. She reached around behind and tried to undo the hooks, but she’d never done it from that angle and fumbled with it until she decided to simply slip the bra down around Ellie’s waist. It was Ellie’s turn to moan as Teresa placed her hands over Ellie’s breasts, feeling the stiff nipples pressing against her palms. She rubbed gently against them, enjoying Ellie’s evident pleasure. Ellie stepped closer and, with more dexterity than Teresa, unhooked Teresa’s bra and let it slide to the floor, freeing her breasts. She placed her hands under the soft weight of them. The nipples didn’t harden like Ellie’s did, but that didn’t stop Teresa from gasping when Ellie bent to take one in her mouth. Teresa had never felt anything as exquisite as Ellie’s lips and tongue. She wasn’t sure her legs would continue to hold her. Ellie’s hands slid down over Teresa’s hips, and her fingers came around front to undo the button and zipper of Teresa’s slacks.

  “Not here,” Teresa said, looking around the room, which felt huge all of a sudden.

  “Meet me under the covers?” Ellie went to the bed and folded back the sheet invitingly. Teresa nodded and waited for Ellie to go around the other side of the bed while she quickly pushed her pants down around her ankles and then grabbed the nightstand as she nearly fell over.

  “You okay?” Ellie asked, already in bed.

  “Shoes,” Teresa said, blushing at her stupidity. She kicked her shoes off, and managed to get her slacks off without any further accidents. She quickly slid under the covers, the sheets cool against her flushed skin. She lay on her side and reached out for Ellie, running a tentative hand over her waist and discovering that she had taken her panties off as well.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready.” Teresa rolled onto her back, trying not to hyperventilate.

  “It’s okay,” murmured Ellie. She shifted closer, close enough that Teresa could feel Ellie’s breast pressing against her arm. In spite of herself, she turned toward Ellie and met her waiting mouth. Ellie raised her body and gently lowered herself on top of Teresa. Teresa could feel a slight trembling in Ellie’s arms and knew that she was ready to move away at the first sign that Teresa didn’t want her there. Driven by a storm of desire so intense she thought it might scorch Ellie, Teresa wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. Ellie slipped one thigh between Teresa’s and Teresa could feel the soft curls of Ellie’s crotch pressed against her. If Teresa had thought Ellie fit seamlessly with her when they were on the couch, it was nothing to the sensation of their naked bodies pressed together—or nearly naked, she thought, wondering what she’d been so afraid of. No wonder people ki
ll to feel this.

  Her kiss became more assertive as Ellie rocked her pelvis against Teresa’s thigh. Teresa bent her knee to increase the pressure, and brought her hands to Ellie’s nipples, gently pinching and kneading them as Ellie’s rhythm against her increased. She could feel Ellie’s wetness on her skin and moved in sync with her until Ellie suddenly gasped and arched her back. Teresa could feel the wet pulsing of Ellie’s orgasm as she collapsed against her, breathing hard. She wrapped her arms around her, inhaling the scent of her hair and feeling the light sheen of sweat that covered her body.

  “Sorry,” Ellie whispered in Teresa’s ear. “I didn’t mean to get so carried away.”

  “It’s all right,” murmured Teresa. “I felt like I was carried away with you.”

  Ellie rolled partially off Teresa and propped up on one elbow. “Not quite,” she said, trailing a finger over Teresa’s lips. “We can make it much better for you.” She bent to take first one, then the other of Teresa’s nipples in her mouth while her hand stroked Teresa’s stomach, sliding under the waistband of her underwear.

  “Not tonight,” Teresa whispered, laying a hand over top of Ellie’s.

  “Don’t you want to?” Ellie asked, drawing away a little.

  “Yes,” Teresa said quickly. “I do, but this was perfect for tonight.” How could she put into words her relief—relief that Ellie had found pleasure without Teresa’s fumbling about in unfamiliar territory, without growing frustrated at Teresa’s inability to bring her to a climax. This had been perfect, in Teresa’s mind. And even though she ached with her own unresolved need, this was enough for tonight.

  “Really.” She pulled Ellie back down to rest her head on her shoulder.