by Cary Hart
Nope! I will not be jealous of a dog.
“Does he need his leash?” He looks at me. I’m sure he’s wondering why the dog who gets into everything and doesn’t listen is out here without one.
“I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt today. Gotta take off the leash sometime, right?” My words are chosen to mean so much more than casual conversation about a dog.
“Aubrey?” He quickly walks over to me, not saying another word, wrapping me up in his arms and I cry. Every emotion I refused to feel last night comes crashing through, breaking down the carefully constructed walls.
“Drew, I can’t lose you. Please tell me that we are OK.”
“Baby, look at me.” He cups my cheeks, pulling back to look me in the eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t come over or call. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I fell asleep over at Sarah’s.”
“Drew, I thought...I thought it was over. I thought maybe you and Sarah...”
“Shhhh. Babe, I’m here. I’m with you. It’s the only place I want to be and you are the only person I wanted to be with last night.”
“Really?” I wipe the tears away and try to understand. I want to believe every word he says.
“Yes, babe really. Please don’t ever doubt how I feel about you.”
“I’m trying Drew, but it’s hard. I don’t feel like I’m a needy person, but—”
“Aubrey, you are far from needy,” he interrupts. “You had every right to worry, but please don’t doubt how I feel. I love you.” His words echo in my ears.
“Say it again. Please.” I’m not sure if I heard him right. Did he say it or was I imagining what I wanted him to say? My head is still pounding and it’s early.
“I love you, Aubrey Harris.”
“Really? Did you just say you loved me because that’s what I keep hearing, but I can’t believe it. Am I going crazy?” I’m nervous, I’m scared. Everything is coming on so fast. Everything I wanted him to feel.
“Yes, really. It’s the type of love that consumes me. I wake up every day hoping to talk to you. I take breaks more often, praying I run into you. Aubrey, I love you and adore your daughter and I can’t wait to see what happens next in our story.”
“Drew, kiss me damn it. OH WAIT! I haven’t brushed my teeth,” I laugh. “How about you give me a really big hug, maybe a little grinding action and I’ll fix us both a cup of coffee after I brush my teeth.”
“Deal.” He holds out his hand to shake on it, but when our hands meet he pulls me against his chest and kisses me hard and deep, making me forget how gross this moment really is.
Drew
IT’S BEEN TWO MONTHS since I woke up in Sarah’s bed. Two months since I told Aubrey I loved her and two months since I lost who I am.
Guilt. It’s an all-consuming feeling. We’re programmed to feel it.
Guilt keeps us honest. No one wants to experience it, but when you do, you would do anything to make it go away.
Right now I would do whatever it takes, even if that means telling the truth and losing everything.
Guilt destroys.
Today I put the past behind me and move forward. Even if it’s not the way I planned, it’s what I deserve.
Sitting in my truck outside of the office, I debate on whether to call or text. Texting seems safer. Hearing her voice, the way my name rolls off her lips, is my undoing every time. Not having her in my life will destroy me, but living with the lies is torture, the end result the same.
Texting it is.
Me: Hey, want to meet for lunch?
Aubrey: I thought you would never ask.
Me: Reece with you?
Aubrey: Drew, the girls started school last week.
SHIT! I knew that.
Aubrey: You OK?
Me: Yeah, I’m fine... we need to talk. Lunch at Mistro’s.
Aubrey: Can we eat on the patio? It’s beautiful out.
Me: Sure. I’ll call and make a reservation.
Aubrey: Love you.
Me: I love you more than you will ever know.
Aubrey: Aw! You really like me.
Me: A whole hell of a lot. Xoxo
Aubrey: Can we skip lunch? I’m hungry for dessert.
Me: Talk first, dessert second.
Aubrey: *sad face* See you soon.
She knows something is up but there is nothing I can do about it.
Right now, what I can do is head to Sarah’s and force her to sign the papers or drag this out in court.
Running back inside to grab the divorce agreement, I dial her number and wait for her to answer.
“I was hoping you would call,” Sarah says in greeting.
“You still home?” I’m short and to the point.
“Of course. Finally getting tired of your little girlfriend?” She laughs.
It’s the first time she’s ever called Aubrey that and hearing her say it with such malice burns my ass.
“I’m going to ignore that comment.” Irritation ripples through me. “I’ll be there in five.”
Not waiting for her reply, I end the call.
A few minutes later I’m in her driveway. I grab the papers and take the front steps two at a time.
Her answering the door in nothing but a robe should surprise me, but nothing with Sarah surprises me anymore.
“Took you long enough. I have something I want to talk to you about, too.” She opens the door wide and invites me in.
“It can wait,” I snap, flinging the papers down on the entry table. “These papers need signed and they need signed today.”
“Seriously? This again?” She seems agitated. “I thought I told you that—”
“Sign the fucking papers, Sarah. This has gone on long enough.” I’m inches from her face. I would never hurt her, but I want her to see how serious I am.
“I’m not doing it Drew, so do whatever you have to do, but I’m not signing the damn papers. Plain and simple.” Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
“SIGN. THE. PAPERS.”
“I’m not!” she argues.
“Why the fuck not?” I demand.
“I’m pregnant.”
“How is this my problem? You should want to sign the papers.”
“Drew...”
“You have insurance.”
“Drew...” Her voice is more urgent.
“What Sarah?” I’m agitated. “What does this even have to do with me?”
“Drew, you’re the father.”
No! No! No! I can’t be.
“How did this happen?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“My birthday.”
“How? You were always on the pill before. You detested the idea of having another child.”
“Things change.” Her answer is so simple.
“Don’t you think if you are about to change someone’s life you should ask them first, or maybe say ‘Hey, I’m not on the pill?’ I mean, isn’t that common courtesy when you are about to bend someone over and fuck them in the ass?” I’m fuming. She fucking wasn’t on the pill. You’ve got to be kidding me.
“Well, it’s not like you asked and it didn’t get brought up in conversation. I think we had other things on our mind.”
“Why in the hell are you so calm?” Something isn’t adding up. I can’t pinpoint what it is, but something isn’t right. “Why would you get off the pill when you are known to fuck around? Isn’t that part of having an affair 101?”
“Stop being a dick and listen to what I’m saying. I’m pregnant and you are the father. We are going to have another child and Andie is going to have a little brother or sister.”
“Fuck me.” I know what I have to do.
“Drew, we can’t get a divorce. Daddy wouldn’t have it and do you really want this child growing up without a father?”
“No,” I answer honestly.
“Then lose the girlfriend so we can get back to being a family and start living under the same roof again,” she demands, like she owns me. Whic
h in a way she does; she knows I would do anything for my child or, now, children. But the controlling stops now.
“I’m not moving back in. At least not right away. Andie just got used to us living apart. I’m not going to drop a bomb like this.” Concern ripples through me.
How can she not even think about Andie? Moving back in right now would confuse her. She’s the mom, shouldn’t she know these things?
“You need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her the truth. Or I will.”
“You fucking stay away from her. You hear me?” Anger courses through my body at Sarah’s mention of Aubrey.
“Geez, get ahold of yourself.”
“Fuck you!” I spit. “I’ll tell her when I’m ready.”
“Make sure it’s soon, daddy. I have an appointment tomorrow. You’re going.”
It’s amazing how you think you have it under control, but when two simple words are uttered, they have the power to alter your world forever.
Aubrey
“NIKI, HE’S LATE.” I’M sick to my stomach. The past couple of months Drew has been acting weird. Ever since he told me he loved me. “Should I worry? He told me we needed to talk and I’m not sure what that even means. ”
“Chill. I’m sure it’s not a big deal.” She tries to calm my nerves, but it’s not helping.
“How is it not a big deal? What if he—”
“Don’t borrow trouble. He’s a busy guy and I’m sure his schedule is getting to him. Why don’t you hear him out before you start to freak out? Hey, the kids are coming back. I need to get off here before the teacher-aid rats me out again.” She’s off the phone before I even have a chance to say goodbye.
“Hi.” A husky voice says behind me. “I hope you weren’t waiting long.” He bends down, giving me a lingering kiss on the cheek.
“Not too long. It gave me a minute to catch up with Niki.”
“That’s right. School has started up. Has she got back into the swing of things?” He seems to be trying to carry a conversation despite his thoughts being a mile away.
“Yeah, I think so.” I nod and take a drink of water. “Do you want a drink?”
Shaking his head he scoots his chair over by mine and grabs my hands.
Oh my God, is he going to...? No he can’t be.
“Aubrey, there really isn’t an easy way to start this conversation.” His hands are shaking.
“Drew? Is everything OK? You’re scaring me. Is Andie OK?” Panic is starting to take over. I have never seen him this way. His face is silently screaming with fear.
Worried.
“No, everything isn’t OK, but Andie’s fine.” His thumb strokes my hand, trying to calm me.
“There is no easy way to say this so I’m just going to come right out with it.” He drops his head for a moment before he looks me in the eyes and speaks. “I haven’t been upfront with you. The night we met I just signed my divorce papers, but a few days later, Sarah told me she didn’t sign them. Meaning she was contesting the divorce.”
“You’re married.” My words are barely audible.
“Yes, I’m married.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have figured this out together, Drew.”
Betrayal.
“Honestly, I wanted to tell you, but then something good would happen and I was so afraid of losing you so soon, I could never find the right time.”
“Any time would have been the right time. Don’t you think I deserved to know this? Give me a choice on if I wanted to date a married man...” I jerk my hands away. “Oh my God. I’m having an affair with a married man. Drew, how could you do this to me?”
He made me love him. A love that is based on a lie. He was never mine to care for.
“Babe.” His voice is soft, careful.
“No! Don’t ‘babe’ me.” I push my chair back, the legs scraping against the concrete patio floor. “I don’t even know what to think. Should I be pissed that you’re still married or pissed that you didn’t tell me so we could work through this together?”
Confused.
“Both.” He doesn’t move, his eyes trailing me.
“Drew...I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do to make this go away. I need you to make this go away.” I hold my hand up to my chest, kneading it to make the pain go away. A pain so unbearable I can’t even imagine anything worse.
“Aubrey, turn around.” He stands, placing his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. “We can’t go on like this.”
“Drew, no...please, no.” I beg for him not to say the words.
“You deserve someone better than me. Someone who is single and free from obligations.” His words mean so much more.
“You and Andie mean the world to me. To me and Reece.” Tears stream down my face. “I love you, Drew. Don’t go. Don’t do this.”
“Babe, it’s the only thing I can do.” His eyes fill with pain.
“That’s not true. You thought you were divorced. Drew, you would have never approached me if you knew otherwise. Babe, don’t you see? We can get through this. Together.”
“Aubrey, there’s more.”
“What do you mean there’s more?” I have a feeling I know the answer to my question, but I ask anyway, praying it’s not what I think it is.
“The night I didn’t come to you”
“Don’t you dare say it Drew Williams. Please don’t.” I beg for him to stop. I don’t want to know.
“I didn’t just fall asleep at Sarah’s. I woke up the next morning in her bed, naked and unable to recall what happened.”
Cheater!
“You asshole.” I pound his chest. “You told me you loved me. You told me I was yours and you were mine.” I continue my punishment. “It was guilt. You didn’t mean any of it.”
He grabs my wrists. “Don’t do that. Don’t degrade what we had saying it was out of guilt. I loved you. I still do. It kills me to think that because of a couple mishaps this is where our story ends.”
Does it? Is this it...done?
“No, we can find—”
“STOP!” he shouts, interrupting me. “We can’t do this. I won’t let you do this.” He leans over, crushing his mouth to mine. His hands fly up to cradle the back of my head. Keeping me there for him to take everything I am. Swallow every cry. Taste every tear. “I love you, Aubrey, but we can’t do this anymore.” He pries my arms off him and leaves out the back. Leaving me.
Heartbroken.
My mind races with what to do. Why didn’t he give me a chance to process? Why didn’t he give me the chance to make the decision?
I want to go after him. Tell him we can do this together.
Wait! Why can’t I? Yes! Go, Aubrey. Run after your man.
Flinging open the side gate, I leave my purse and everything behind, running down the sidewalk like a mad woman. I shout Drew’s name. I’m not sure if I’m going the right direction or if he can even hear me, but nothing will stop me now.
“Drew! Wait up!” I see him now, starting to get into an SUV. “Drew, stop please.” He shuts the door and waits for me next to the vehicle. “Drew! I love you! Don’t leave.” I run and jump into his arms, feathering kisses all over his face.
“I know you love me. This isn’t the end of our story, Drew Williams. I’m pissed as hell that you lied to me, that you didn’t trust in me enough to give me the chance to make up my own mind, but I’m not ready to give you up.” I lean back waiting for something other than just a blank stare back.
“You don’t hate me?”
“Hate you? No. What you told me is not something we get over just like that, but please. Don’t feel like you have to go. Let’s work through this.”
“Aubrey?” Regret washes over his face. Reaching around he unhooks my legs and I instantly slide down his body. “Sarah’s pregnant.”
“No-no-no-no-no. Oh God, please no! Drew...” I double over, hands on my knees. I just want to collapse.
“Babe?” He tries to hold me up.
“Don’t!” I slap his hand away. My body heaves with emotions.
“Drew, we need to go. Andie is waiting.” A blonde woman who looks exactly like Andie stands on the other side of the black SUV watching us.
Righting myself, I wipe my tears and straighten my hair. “Looks like you need to go.”
“I’m sorry for hurting you.” He reaches out to touch me, but I back away, afraid of the burn.
“Go to hell.” I turn and walk away, shutting off my emotions once again.
Paralyzed.
Aubrey
A FEW WEEKS HAVE passed and as much as I wanted to shut down, forget what we had, I couldn’t. In the short time I was with Drew Williams, I knew without a doubt I had met the person made for me. I just never counted on being a casualty of circumstance, losing a piece of myself in the battle.
He planted himself in my everyday routine. Even if we didn’t spend the nights together, with the renovations he was here daily, rooting himself in my heart and in my daughter's life.
Reece still sees Andie at school, and it helped knowing she had a friend on the first day at her new school. But since the breakup, she hasn’t been able to see her friend after school and cries for her Sunday Funday at the park.
Finally putting aside the hurt, I texted Drew and asked him if the girls could get together, but just received a one word message back — “No.” — which pissed me the hell off. He always preached about how Andie was his number one, that he cared more for her feelings than his own and if that’s the case then let the girls see each other, put our differences aside. I don’t have to be there. Hell, Doug could drop her off for all I care or I could meet Sarah. Anything to put these two girls out of their misery and quit punishing them for their parents’ mistakes.
Niki tried to get me out of the house, but everything we did reminded me of Drew. So instead of hitting the town we chilled at home and ate our way through the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavors. I’m not sure how many flavors exist but once we tried all the flavors at one store we went to another to see if they had a different variety and they did. Fifteen flavors and counting.
Doug tried to revisit the idea of us again, after Reece blurted out that Drew broke up with me, but he knows as well as I do that we never really fit. Now he checks in almost every night wondering how Reece is doing and if there is anything he can do. At first I thought this was a ploy to get under my skin, but I really think he is just worried about Reece. Tomorrow we meet for dinner to discuss therapists for Reece.