“How’d you know it was Damon?”
He rolled his eyes. “I was at the wedding, remember? You two couldn’t keep your hands off each other.”
I supposed he was right. We hadn’t tried very hard to keep our attraction under wraps that night. “I thought we were…” I thought of the things Damon and I had said to each other after the wedding, both in and out of bed. “Getting somewhere, then he blindsided me.”
“How’d he do that?” Chad dug into the burger he’d ordered.
“He invited an ex-girlfriend to come stay with him.” I still couldn’t think about it without feeling queasy.
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.” I took a sip of my diet soda. Maybe I should have ordered something stronger to take the edge off. Alcohol used to be my cure-all, but I was trying to see if maybe I had the internal strength to deal with my problems without liquid aid.
“So you think there’s something going on between them?”
“Yes.” When Chad raised an eyebrow, I said, “I don’t think they’re sleeping together, but there’s definitely something going on between them.”
“Have you tried talking to him about it?”
“Yeah, but he claims he’s just trying to help out a friend who’s down on her luck.” I couldn’t help but think how different things might have been if my mother had had a friend like Damon to lean on.
“Could be that’s all there is to it.” Chad popped a French fry into his mouth.
I sliced into my chicken, not because I was hungry but because I needed a distraction. Thinking about Damon and that woman was making me crazy. “I know him. There’s something he’s not telling me.”
“The way I see it,” Chad said, adding more ketchup to his fries, “if you really care about this guy, you owe it to yourself to demand answers. I’ve known you a long time, girl. One thing I know for sure, you don’t run away from a fight. Question is—is this guy worth fighting for?”
That was the question, the only one that mattered. “If he doesn’t want me—”
“Did he say that?”
“No.” I chewed my chicken slowly, thinking about how desperate he’d sounded on the phone earlier. “I think he still wants to make this work, but how can we if I can’t trust him to be honest with me? If he’s holding back…” I couldn’t finish that statement. There were things about me and my past he would never know.
He looked me squarely in the eye. “If I’ve learned one thing from all these years in the military, it’s that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. The only thing that’s a given is today. So if today were your last day on this earth, would you want to spend it with or without him?”
Chad was a man of few words, but those he spared usually cut to the heart of the matter.
“I’d want to spend it with him,” I said softly. If this were the last day of my life, I couldn’t imagine spending it with anyone else. I’d want to make love to Damon, tell him I loved him, and make him promise that he’d give another woman his heart the way he’d given it to me. I’d tell him to let his guard down and laugh every chance he got…
“What are you thinking about?” Chad asked gently.
I blinked back the tears. “I’ve never loved like this before. I’m scared.”
Chad pushed his plate aside before reaching across the table for my hand. “I know a thing or two about fear. You can’t run away from it. You have to face it head on. Bare your soul to him. Tell him you love him. Tell him it would kill you if he cheated on you. Tell him you can’t imagine your life without him.”
I knew Chad could be as sweet and sensitive as he was tough and intimidating, but his words rocked me. “It sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
He looked away as his hand slipped from mine. “She was a nurse…” He closed his eyes. “She was always worried about losing me. We never imagined they’d bomb the makeshift clinic where she was working.”
“You met her in Afghanistan?” I was afraid to ask too many questions about his life over there. I knew how difficult it must be to live with that kind of uncertainty day after day.
“She was a volunteer.” His hands curled around the edge of the table. “She didn’t even have to be there. I begged her to go home dozens of times, told her it wasn’t safe to be in a goddamn war zone.” He clenched his jaw. “But she wouldn’t listen, and she paid with her life.”
“I’m sorry.” No words could express the depth of sorrow I felt. No one knew better than I did how it felt to have your world fall apart when someone you loved was taken too soon.
“She was pregnant.”
My blood ran cold as my eyes shot up to meet his. “What?”
“She’d just told me a few days before.” He raked a hand over his cropped hair. “I didn’t just lose her that day. I lost our baby too.”
“Oh God.” My heart was racing, my palms sweating. I had to get out of there, but I couldn’t. My friend needed comfort, and since he’d always been there for me, I had to return the favor. “That’s awful.” Those words wouldn’t ease his pain, but they were the only ones I could summon.
“Yeah, it was. The worst part was she was due to fly out in a couple of days. She couldn’t stay in a combat zone in her condition. Just a few more days and they would have been safe.”
I thrust my hands under the table when they trembled. “When…” I cleared my throat when I heard my voice quaver. “When did this happen?”
“Almost two years ago.”
“You didn’t tell your family?” Mia confided everything in me, but if her brother had asked her to keep this secret, she would have.
He shook his head. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t even process it myself. How could I tell them?”
“You couldn’t take time off to deal with this?” I winced at my poor choice of words. I knew no amount of time would erase the loss or ease his pain.
“I didn’t want to. I had to stay busy. I would have gone crazy otherwise.”
“I understand.” Staying busy helped me stay sane too. “Have you tried talking to someone about this?” I knew the military provided therapists to help their soldiers deal with the kind of loss and devastation they encountered every day.
“I can’t.” He sighed. “Hell, I can’t even believe I’m telling you this. I just, I don’t know, felt you’d understand.”
He had no idea the depth of my understanding. “You can talk to me about anything, anytime. You know that.”
He stood and pulled me into his arms. “Thanks, Eleni.”
“Thank you.” I kissed his cheek. His story of love and loss reminded me of what I already knew. Life was too precious to waste a single day on pettiness and jealousy.
Chapter Eighteen
Damon
I was sitting outside Eleni’s building, my mind running through various scenarios of where she might be and what she might be doing with Mia’s brother. I liked and respected Chad, but if he laid a hand on Eleni, I’d kill him. Finally, a cab rolled up to the curb, and she hopped out. She leaned in the open rear window and kissed him, but it was too dark to tell whether she’d kissed him on the lips or cheek. It goddamn well better have been on the cheek. I jumped out of my car as the taxi pulled away.
“Your date didn’t walk you up?” I asked, taking in her tight jeans, high-heeled boots, and cropped jacket. “Why the hell not? What kind of guy leaves a girl at the curb in a neighborhood like this?”
She rolled her eyes before reaching for my jacket and pulling me close. “We don’t see too many Ferraris around here. I knew you were waiting for me, so I told Chad I’d be fine.”
I threaded my hands through her hair and kissed her as though my life depended on it, which I’d convinced myself it did. The days without her had been the most miserable of my life, and I knew, without a doubt, I wouldn’t leave until she knew my life was empty without her. She held my future, my happiness, in her palm.
When I finally let her come up for air, she chuckled and patted my chest. “Wow, I guess
you did miss me.”
“You have no idea,” I whispered fiercely. Looking into her eyes, I sent her the message mere words couldn’t convey. She owned me. “I’ve been through hell these past few days.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not the only one.”
She tried to pull away, but I locked my hands around her waist. I wasn’t letting her get away. Not this time. “I’ve never had to fight for anything in my life.” Until I met you and Dalia. “I’m not proud to admit life’s been too damn easy for me.”
“Struggle isn’t honorable. That’s just what successful people tell the downtrodden so they’ll get up off their asses and stop wasting their lives.”
I saw the pain in her eyes and couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to go through life knowing the only person you could count on was yourself. Mia and Eleni were close, but they weren’t blood like Deacon and I were. No matter how badly I screwed up, my brother would never cut me out of his life. Our family ties were unbreakable. I knew because I’d tested them again and again, but Eleni had never had that sense of security.
“I want to be the person who’s there for you when no one else is,” I said, knowing that statement was more important to her than any proclamation of love. To Eleni, love was probably fleeting, like a vapor that could disappear in the blink of an eye. “When you feel like you’re all alone and you’ve no one to turn to, turn to me.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she rolled her plump lower lip between her teeth. “The only person I can count on is me. That’s the way it’s always been. That’s the way it’ll always be.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“Yes.” She shook her head as she fought back tears. “It does. Depending on people results in heartbreak, and I won’t get my heart broken again. I can’t.”
“Risk makes life worth living, baby. It’s what makes us feel alive.” I’d never felt more alive than I did with her, and I’d taken some crazy risks over the years: skydiving, mountain climbing, race car driving, and zip-lining to name a few. But she was the only thing in the world that made my heart feel like it could explode.
She gripped my wrists, her eyes pleading with me to understand. “That’s easy to say when the only risks you’ve ever taken have been chasing the next thrill. My risks revolved around survival and maintaining my sanity.”
“I know, sweetheart.”
She shook her head sadly. “No, you don’t know. I took a risk when I left the only home I’d ever known to pursue my dream at fifteen because life at home was so unbearable.”
“I’m sorry.” I’d have given anything to erase the sadness in her eyes, but no amount of time or love would make her feel whole again. My words must have sounded hollow to her, but she would never know how sorry I was for the pain she’d endured. I’d have given everything I owned, everything I’d ever thought I’d loved, to heal her.
“I took risks because I had to. I trusted the wrong people, and they used and abused me. This business strips you of your self-esteem. If you thought you were good, there’re a dozen people to tell you that you’re not good enough.”
I’d have loved to pummel every one of those people who’d told her she wasn’t good enough. I wished she could see herself through my eyes… just once. “They were wrong. You’re perfect.”
“No, I’m not.” The tears fell, and she broke away and ran up the steps to the front door of her building.
I followed her silently, and we made our way up the stairs. When we were in the elevator, I drew her close. “You are perfect. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“You have no idea.” She sniffled. “I’m ruined, Damon, and your love can’t fix me.”
I’d never heard her sound so despondent. It killed me to hear her giving up not only on us but on herself. “You promised you’d give us a chance. I intend to hold you to that.” My stomach clenched painfully as the reality of losing her bled through me.
“I thought I could.” She was sobbing, her misery tearing my heart out. “I wanted to. But I can’t.”
I wasn’t leaving until I’d changed her mind and made her believe we were worth the risk. I couldn’t fix all of her problems, but at least I could convince her to let me help her heal, to support her while she slayed her demons and regained her strength.
As we stepped off the elevator, I held her hand and thought about the façade that had defined her her entire adult life. She pretended to be strong no matter how weak she felt. She pretended to be invincible, even though she felt like a lost and broken little girl who just wanted someone to love her. Thinking about my own child, I vowed then and there to make sure Dalia always knew she could count on me.
As soon as we stepped inside, Eleni kicked off her boots and turned to me, looking ravaged and more beautiful than I’d ever seen her because her vulnerability was so painfully obvious. She was raw, giving me a glimpse inside her heart.
Fisting my jacket, she said, “I thought something shifted in me tonight. When I was having dinner with Chad, I thought I’d be crazy to let you go, to let you find happiness with someone else, but one look at you when you stepped out of that car, and I knew what I had to do.”
I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to hear about her epiphany, because I knew it meant the end of the road for us. “I know what you have to do too. You have to fight harder than you’ve ever fought for anything.” I held her face, thinking about the airbrushing they used to make her look flawless. She was flawed. Beautifully, perfectly, humanly flawed. “Because that’s what I intend to do—fight. I don’t care if you send me away today, because I’ll be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that until I believe you really don’t want me anymore.” I prayed that day would never come. I wanted to believe I’d break through her walls long before she could push me away for good.
“Why?” The word was broken, her voice ringing with torment. “Why would you want to waste your life on me?”
I crushed her to me, holding on tightly enough to make her uncomfortable, to make her realize that she couldn’t get away from me. She couldn’t run from what we had. “I want to spend my life with you. The good days, the bad days, and every goddamn day in between. No matter how bad it gets, I want to be by your side, holding your hand, loving you more than I love myself, and proving to you that you’re worth it.”
She shook her head but held on to me as though I were her lifeline, the only thing still anchoring her to the physical world. “That’s not fair to you. You deserve better. You deserve a woman who doesn’t have the issues I have.”
“I don’t care about your issues.” I kissed her head. “Your past is just that, Eleni. It doesn’t have to define you. You don’t have to make decisions based on that anymore. It’s okay to love someone. It’s okay to think about forever.” I knew I was taking a risk, but I whispered, “It’s even okay to think about the possibility of being a mom someday.”
“No!” Her entire body tensed while her single, emphatic word bounced around the room. “I don’t want that. Not ever.”
The fight almost drained from me as my two worlds collided. The woman I loved was telling me she never wanted to be a mother while the only thing I wanted was to be a dad to the little girl who’d captured my heart. I had to know why she felt she couldn’t love a child. She crossed the small room, her arms wrapped tightly around her midsection, her long, dark hair shielding her face as she hung her head. It killed me to admit we were at an impasse. I couldn’t force her to want something she didn’t any more than I could stop myself from wanting something I did.
I walked up behind her because even though I knew I should, I couldn’t leave her like this, unable to stop the emotional bleeding from wounds I’d reopened. Closing my hands around her shoulders, I encouraged her to lean against me, to allow me to support her. I prayed she could give me reason to hope. “You may feel that way now, but you’re still so young, sweetheart. You could change your mind someday.”
She leaned her head against my s
houlder, closing her eyes while tears streamed down her cheeks. “I won’t.”
It was the time to tell her about Dalia, to demand to know whether she could see herself as a stepmother if not a mother. But I couldn’t find the words. I wanted to believe when she spent time with Dalia, she’d fall in love with her, as I had.
“It’s not that I don’t like kids,” she whispered. “I’m not a monster.”
“I know you’re not.” I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes, looking for a solution to a problem that felt insurmountable.
Logically, I knew not everyone was cut out to be a parent. A couple of years ago, I would have placed myself in the same camp as Eleni, content to live the rest of my life without the burden of parentage, but everything had changed. I’d changed. I now believed children weren’t a burden but a blessing, and more than anything, I wanted Eleni to experience that too. With me. With our children.
She closed her hand over mine. “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it isn’t fair to let you believe there’s a possibility when there isn’t.”
I appreciated her honesty, but at the same time, I hated that she was closing the door on our future.
She turned toward me and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you, Damon. I never thought I could love like this.”
Her words opened a floodgate of emotion I felt helpless to contain. When I hadn’t been looking, this woman had become my world. She was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last person I wanted to speak to before my head hit the pillow. Her husky laugh rang in my ears throughout the day, and the memory of her smile made me smile.
“My life is empty without you.” Despite her stance on motherhood, I still found myself telling her what was in my heart, as though the words escaped of their own volition. “I don’t know how to build a life with a woman who doesn’t want the same things I do, but I also don’t know how to let you go.”
“I don’t know how to let you go either,” she said, touching my cheeks as tears fell on her lips. “Lord knows I’ve tried.”
Damon (Starkis Family #2) Page 19