by Megan Smith
Table of Contents
Title Page
Legal Information
Quote
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Epilogue
Coming Soon
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Copyright © 2014 by Megan Smith Production LLC.
All Rights Reserved.
This book may not be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author's rights. All characters and storylines are the property of the author and your support and respect is appreciated. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.
The following story contains mature themes, strong language and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.
Warning:
Warning: Some scenes in this book contain difficult subject matter. Please note that it is not depicted in detail, but it may be a trigger for some readers. If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE.
Printed Version:
ISBN-13: 978-1500454906
ISBN-10: 1500454907
Cover Design: Sommer Stein, Perfect Pear Creative
Photography: Toski Covey, Toski Covey Photography
Models: Patrick and Julia Boyd
Edited by: Sarah Jones
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“Inhale your future.
Exhale your past.”
This book is dedicated to Chelsea.
I couldn’t have done it without you!
I can’t breathe.
I can’t speak.
I can’t see.
I can’t move.
“Don’t fight me, baby.”
I try to turn my head away from the voice. It’s no use.
What is happening to me? Why can’t I move?
I feel movement against my body and my shirt being pulled. This is wrong, all wrong.
“I’m going to make you feel so good.”
This can’t be happening. I have to do something.
“Play nice and I’ll make this real good for you.”
I’m disgusted. The sound of his voice makes my skin crawl and I want to escape the moment; retreat, go numb, be anything but here. I can’t. I’m stuck, feeling and being in this moment again, trapped against my will.
My mouth opens and at first nothing comes out, but then, off in the distance I hear my name being called. Something inside me comes alive and I find my voice.
“Cooper!” I scream, my body and voice shaking with the sound. I give that scream everything I can, more than I ever have before, begging for him to rescue me from this.
“Jaylinn, baby wake up.”
“Fuck!” The guy says before slapping me across the face. I can’t feel it, I just see it. A nightmare I’ll never wake up from.
“Jay, wake up. You’re dreaming.”
“Don’t do this, please.” I beg; a plea that goes unheard, a plea that holds nothing against the strains of this.
“Shut the fuck up!” He roars, vibrating my bones with the sound.
I shake and then I open my eyes and blink a few times, still in a confused haze of reality and this fucked up nightmare. I want to wake up but I can’t, I can’t make myself.
“Jay, come on, wake up. It’s just a dream.”
“Please don’t do this. Please.” I’m begging until I have nothing left and then I’m moving, my body being jostled.
My eyes snap open and I gasp for air, but it’s not enough, I can’t breathe.
“Jay,” Cooper says. “You’re alright, just breathe.”
I look over to Cooper and see that it is indeed him. I take in my surroundings, trying to get my bearings and my breathing under control.
It was just a dream.
I’m okay.
I’m really not okay and I may never be.
I may never breathe right again.
I may never speak what needs to be said.
I may never see what I really need to see.
I may never move the way I should.
What the hell did I just walk into?
My heart is beating so hard and fast, I feel like I can’t breathe. I came over to Hailey and Mason’s to keep her company so that the boys could go out Christmas shopping, I didn’t come here for some kind of confession. As I look around, it seems that’s exactly what I’m getting.
“Come over here.” Cooper says to me, his voice gentle and slow, drawing me in to his words.
My problem is that I can’t walk. My feet have grown roots and are trapping me in place. Shaking my head, I stay exactly where I am. Trying to release the pressure building inside me, I raise my hand to rub at my chest. I know that if I do go to him I’ll be weak and vulnerable.
“Jay,” Hailey twists her body so she can see me. “It’s alright, come in here please.”
I look over to Cooper, his blue grey eyes are pleading with me to just listen, to understand, to give him a chance. I take one step forward and in the corner of my eye I see Mason shift on the couch. Every step that I take feels like I’m pounding a nail in my coffin. I think the worst, I always have. It’s in my nature to automatically assume this conversation isn’t going to end the way I want it.
Cooper reaches for my hand as I get closer, his big mitten of a hand envelopes mine and I let him guide me to his lap. I don’t want to be in his lap right now but I need his shield, even if he’s the one causing this uneasy feeling. Cooper would never hurt me, not on purpose anyway.
“Jay, I need to tell you something but I want you to listen to everything I have to say first. Don’t tune me out like you do when you don’t want to hear something, okay?” Cooper says firmly to me, watching my reaction to his words.
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “Just tell me already.” My stomach is in knots and I summon all my strength to fight the shaking of my body. I keep my breathing nice and steady so he won’t see how I really feel right now.
Cooper looks over to Hailey and Mason, both smiling, giving him the courage that he’s looking for. “A few years ago I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I didn’t know it back then but I know it now.”
My stomach drops. My strength is ripped away. I start to shake from what he’s about to drop on me. I don’t want to know what he has to say but I need to.
“Mason and I went to Hunter’s house in Virginia Beach for spring break the first year we were a
ll away at school. There was a party if you remember.” I nod, recalling that I got upset because he wasn’t coming home when he promised me that he would. “Everyone was pretty smashed. Logan was there.” Cooper looks over to Mason again, and then back to me. He looks nervous, an emotion I barely recognize on his so-familiar face; this must be big, Cooper doesn’t get nervous about anything. Along with Mason and my brother, he’s the most the laid back and confident guy I know. “Logan brought his cousin, Brittany,” he said, snapping me back into the room, “I didn’t have a clue who she was back then.”
I see everything so clearly and do exactly what Cooper said not to. I tune him out. He’s talking, I can hear him mumbling but I can’t hear the words coming out of his mouth, all I see are his lips moving. It sounds like I’m under water; a suffocating silence is taking over. Cooper slept with Brittany at that party, my fucking trashy tramp of a half-sister. He didn’t need to say the words to convey his message. Part of me doesn’t want him to say those words.
Cooper lifts a hand to my face, guiding my eyes back to his. “I didn’t know who she was, Jay.”
I swallow the lump down in my throat. “I know you didn’t.” I whisper.
Cooper’s face twists in disgust. “It meant nothing. You know I would never do anything like that to you Jay. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.”
“When did you figure this out?” I hope that Cooper has learned a lesson or two from my brother and his. Keeping secrets to protect one another in this family doesn’t work.
Cooper’s eyes darken and he shifts me a little so he has a better grip on me, probably thinking I’m about to run away. “Not right away. After all that shit went down with her running MacKenzie off the road I was keeping an eye on her Facebook account. One night I was going through her pictures and I stumbled across one. You can’t tell from looking at the picture because her body was blocking my face but I know it’s me. I can’t remember all of that night but I remember bits and pieces, and there is no denying it was me in that photo.”
I look down to my lap and fiddle with my fingers, not knowing what to say.
“Jay,” Cooper whispers.
I glance up at him with unshed tears in my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me when you first found out?”
Cooper looks to Hailey and Mason again, and then back to me. “I was planning on telling you but I just didn’t know how. I didn’t want to lose you.”
I could never imagine not having Cooper in my life, not after everything. “I’m not going anywhere, Coop. I’ve told you this before.” He knows this. We’ve talked about it so many times that I can’t even keep count anymore. I can’t function without him in my life. It’s pathetic but it is what it is.
Mason stands and helps pull Hailey off the couch, “Just come get me when you’re ready,” Mason says to Cooper. I glance up to Hailey and she’s smiling apologetically.
“How long have they known?” I ask Cooper after they leave the room.
Cooper kisses my neck, “Hailey hasn’t known that long,” sighing loudly, he continues. “Mason on the other hand has known for a little while. It’s actually the reason why Hailey and Mason split. He was trying to protect me.”
That I’m not surprised about, Mason protecting his brother, that’s just Mason. I never would have thought he’d put anything before Hailey though.
“The night that Hailey thought she saw Lily and Mason kissing in the hallway at the bar was the same night Mason found out. Lily is, or was, apparently friends with Brittany and that’s how she found out. Mason didn’t want her causing shit before the wedding so he took the heat for it all.”
“Oh Mason.” I whisper.
Cooper hugs me closer to him and I enjoy the feeling more than he knows. “I know,” he says. “The stupid ass is lucky he didn’t lose Hailey for good. I was pissed when he told me what he’d done.”
I rest my head on Cooper’s shoulder and snuggle in closer, “Yeah well, I should be pissed off at you, Coop. You should have told me, no secrets ever between us, remember?”
Cooper kisses the top of my head and takes a deep breath, “I know but I was worried about you and the way you were going to handle it.”
I reach over for Cooper’s hand and entwine our fingers, “I’m not going to break. I’m pretty sure if I was it would have happened already. And Cooper,” I lift my head and look into his eyes. “Don’t feel like you can’t tell me things. You’ve helped me so much in the past, let me help you.”
Cooper looks intently into my eyes and then slowly brings his full pink lips to mine. “I’m sorry.”
I place a little kiss on his lips and melt just like I always do with him. All the worry, nervousness, heart-stopping feelings just wash away. Cooper is my rock and I need him more than he’ll ever know. He saved me and now I just need him to let me love him in all the ways I can.
Jaylinn handled the news a lot better than I had thought. A lot better than I did. I don’t know why I didn’t think she couldn’t, I should have known better. As soon as her lips met mine I knew everything would be ok with us. Now just to tell Hunter and all will be put in the past and buried there.
I place another sweet and gentle kiss on Jaylinn’s lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away.”
She rests her forehead on mine. “I know you are, but Cooper I need you to let me in.”
Jaylinn wants me to open up and be with her but she doesn’t know what I’m dealing with inside my head. I can’t let her in. I’d feel like I would just be adding more shit into her life, complicating her in ways she didn’t need. Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like an asshole for sleeping with Brittany, and for that one night that the both of us will never forget. Most of all, she’s still holding onto the one thing I don’t think I deserve. Her virginity.
I don’t deserve it. In my mind, no one does.
I close my eyes, wishing she could see why I can’t take this. “I’m trying Jay.” I lie, hating that I do it to her.
She reaches up and cups my face, her eyes holding mine. “I know you are but try a little harder.” She smiles and it touches my heart like it’s meant to. “I’m not getting any younger here.”
I chuckle and it hits me in the gut. Leave it to Jaylinn to make light of the situation. “You’re not, but the older you get the more beautiful you become.”
Jaylinn gently rubs her nose against mine. It feels so good to have her this close and I keep her wrapped in my arms for a few more minutes before I hear people clearing their throats. “I guess that’s our signal to wrap it up.” I tell Jaylinn who starts to giggle.
“Sorry to break this up but Hails is sending me on a wild goose chase again. We’ve got to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts to pick her up a banana nut muffin.” Mason says with a straight face.
I feel Jaylinn’s body start to shake from laughter and soon the both of us are cracking up. Mason, my cocky ass brother, has done a complete 360 since he found out that Hailey was pregnant. If Hailey asks him to jump, Mason is asking how high. Just last week after the gym he made me go thirty minutes out of the way just to get Hailey a salad from this little shop down-town.
“Alright.” I kiss Jaylinn again and then lift her off my lap.
Jaylinn sits back in the seat that I just vacated. Mason and Hailey are standing in the kitchen and I smile at them as I swipe my jacket off the back of the chair. I turn towards Hailey and place a hand on her stomach. “Let’s go, we’ve got to keep my nieces happy.”
Hailey and Mason both glare at me, “Nephews!”
I remove my hand and walk towards the front door, laughing the whole way.
On the way to Dunkin’ Donuts, Mason is tapping his hand against the steering wheel. I know he’s waiting for me to bring up what went on with Jaylinn after they left the room. He knows when I’m ready to talk about something with him I will.
“Things are good with us, Mason.” I finally say, willing myself to look over at him. “Although Jaylinn is a little pissed that you d
idn’t say anything before.”
He winces because he knows it’s true. Keeping his mouth quiet almost caused him to lose the love of his life. He gets it, I know he does.
“That’s good.” Mason turns the radio down a little bit. “So the only one left to tell is Hunter then?”
“Yeah,” I nod in agreement with a sarcastic edge to my tone. “That’s going to go over well.” “Bro, you didn’t know.” Mason defends, trying to help me out. I wish it made me feel better, but it didn’t.
Just the thought of Brittany now makes me feel sick. She’s a vile person, nothing like Hunter and Jaylinn. Thankfully it was just a one night stand and meant absolutely nothing - just a drunken moment of stupidity.
“I know.” I say, ending the conversation.
I turn my head towards the window and watch as the cars pass on the other side of the highway.
I know what Jaylinn wants. She wants to let me love her. The thing is I already do, so much. I just can’t love her in the ways she needs me to. And that is harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Hailey waddles her little basketball of a belly into the living room and sits in the brown oversized recliner, “So.”
I look over at her and smile, “So.”
She’s got that pregnancy glow going for her and looks beautiful for being four months pregnant. She bitches and complains but I know deep down inside she loves it. “Are you really ok with Cooper?” She narrows her eyes at me, “Don’t bullshit me either, Jay.”
I look down to my hands and nod. “How can I not be? He didn’t know.”
“Look at me,” Hailey says sharply. I snap my eyes up to hers, “I’m serious Jay. Are you okay?”
I hold her stare for just a minute and then blink a few times trying to hold back the tears, knowing that deep down I’m really not okay with it. “It’s in the past; I have to be okay with him sleeping with my half-sister but not with me.” It came out more bitter than I wanted it to but if I’m being real to myself I’m hurt. I’m beyond hurt.
“Jay,” Hailey whines. “Come over here.”