by Megan Smith
I get up off the couch and go squeeze on the recliner with Hailey. She puts her small arm around my shoulders and hugs me to her and it’s then that the tears start to fall.
“Shh, it’s alright sweetie.” Hailey croons to me, running her hand through my hair like my mom used to do when I was younger. It’s such a simple gesture but so comforting too.
“I don’t understand, Hailey.” I say between shuddering breaths, feeling hopeless. “He’s holding back with me and I hate it but I don’t know how to get through to him.”
Hailey continues to run her hand through my hair and just lets me cry. It feels good to let it out but I’m still holding on to that one piece that I don’t want to share with anyone. Deep down inside I think that’s what is holding Cooper back.
How can I talk to Hailey about this if I don’t want to relive that night again? No one knows but Cooper, me and that piece of shit, Kevin.
“One day at a time, Jay. He’ll come around.” Hailey gives me a warm smile, trying to convince me that her words are true and I want to believe her, I do. I would give anything for that to be true, but it seems it might never be. “I know that’s not what you want to hear but trust me; I see it in his eyes. He has the same look Mason gets when he sees me. He’s falling for you Jay, and doesn’t know what to do about it. Mason and Cooper are cut from the same leather; they love hard but fight harder against it. They are their own worst enemies.”
I sniffle, wondering how she did it and how she convinced Mason. “How did you finally get through to him Hails?”
Hailey stops running her hand in my hair, “I didn’t. He finally opened his eyes and saw what was right in front of him. Cooper will see it too, you just wait. The Cahills are all hard headed.”
I laugh through the tears, she’s right. Even MacKenzie is hard headed.
I eventually dry my tears and store all this information away for later. Hailey and I watch some movie on Lifetime and we both drift off asleep.
Mason and Cooper come home around dinner time. The rest of the gang is coming over to hang out with us too and we are all going to figure out what we’re doing for New Year’s. I’m sure it will probably be something low key with MacKenzie’s due date next month.
I’m still sitting on the recliner with Hailey’s head resting on my shoulder when Cooper comes in. He kisses the side of my head and I shift slightly towards him, careful not to wake the pregnant princess.
“You okay, Twinkle Toes?” Cooper whispers in my ear.
I nod as I try to inch a little closer to him.
Mason walks into the living room and frowns down at Hailey. “How long has she been asleep like that?”
I look over to the clock, “About three hours.”
Mason swears under his breath. He stalks over to us and lifts her with ease into his arms and lays her down on the couch and covers her with a blanket. Hailey barely even stirs.
“Let’s go talk.” Cooper says as he extends his hand to me.
I stretch out my body and yawn. Sitting like that for as long as I have has my back aching. I grab Cooper’s hand and he leads us to the spare bedroom upstairs where Cooper and I normally stay when we spend the night. Cooper shuts and locks the door behind us.
My eyebrows shoot up.
“Strip.”
My eyes go wide in surprise. It’s not uncommon for Cooper to say this to me but he only does it when I’m having a melt down and he can’t get through to me any other way, or when he wants the bare and exposed me, the one where I can’t hide my emotions or run.
“Strip.” Cooper repeats, his eyes never break from mine and I fight the urge to shiver at the intensity.
There’s something about the way he’s looking at me, or maybe it’s that intensity, but I do as he says. Pulling my socks off first, I slowly reach for the hem of my shirt and pull it up over my head. I glance over at Cooper who is looking at me with fire in his eyes. My body breaks out in goose bumps from the cold air hitting my skin and from the ferocious passion of Coopers stare. I toss my shirt somewhere behind me then unbutton my jeans and slowly, so slowly, start shimmying them down my thighs. I step out of them and gaze over at Cooper, he’s staring at my discarded jeans and then he rakes his eyes up my legs and they stop at the fancy script tattoo on my hip; Inhale the future, exhale the past.
I got it a few months after that night. I remember the night Cooper saw it clear as day.
When I went to Cooper’s apartment after my tattoo appointment he was pissed. He paced back and forth bitching. “Why weren’t you answering your phone? I had no idea where you were.”
Honestly, I didn’t think about any of that until I saw the murderous look on Cooper’s face when I walked in. He kept going on and on so instead of trying to talk over him I thought I would just show him what I had been up to. My jeans were already unbuttoned because I didn’t want them rubbing against my raw skin. I pushed my pants down a little further than what was probably necessary to show him the tattoo, but I wanted his attention. Cooper stopped mid-sentence and watched me closely. I lifted my shirt up to just under my bra and watched as his eyes landed on my fresh ink.
Understanding washed over Cooper as he dropped to his knees in front of me. He kissed just above my tattoo and then kissed all around it. My body was shaking from the butterflies that had taken up inside my stomach. Cooper couldn’t stop kissing me, it was like he was trying to kiss everything and make it all better. Only that would never happen.
Later that night a nightmare rocked my body. I woke up gasping for air, sweat was pouring down my face and my entire body was shaking. Cooper tried to calm me down but nothing was working. He was trying to talk to me, he tried to get me to drink some water, and then to call Hailey or MacKenzie. When none of that worked he tried to lift me from the bed but I flinched away.
Cooper held up his hands and backed up a few steps. “Come into the bathroom with me.” he pleaded.
I knew I needed to get up. I needed to wake up from this nightmare. I just couldn’t pull myself back to reality. I eventually gave in and went into the bathroom with Cooper following behind me. When we were both inside he shut and locked the door. I started to panic, feeling suffocated all over again.
“Strip.” Cooper demanded. His voice had a bit of an edge to it.
I didn’t listen at first; I just stood there and gawked at him, not understanding what it was he was asking me to do.
Cooper stepped around me, being careful not to touch me, and turned the shower on. When he was satisfied with the temperature of the water he turned around to me again. “I’m not telling you again. Strip or I’ll do it for you.”
I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. I just had a nightmare and he wanted me to strip out of my clothes? Knowing he wasn’t going to let me go, I did what he asked. With my body still trembling I was fumbling with the hem of my shirt. I couldn’t get my arms to work; it felt like there were weights tied to my hands, holding them down.
That’s when Cooper leveled me with a look. I knew he wasn’t kidding and I couldn’t have his hands on me, not right now, not on my bare skin. I kept repeating the words in my head, ‘Cooper would never hurt me’.
I took a quick glance at him to see if he was watching me, his nostrils flared and he was breathing heavy. Most of the time he was cool, calm and level headed and it took a lot to piss him off, so when I saw he was on the verge of losing his shit, I stripped out of my clothes quickly.
When I was completely naked Cooper pulled the shower curtain open and nodded his head towards the water. Not wanting to piss him off anymore I stepped under the spray, letting the water wash over me. Then like a dam I broke, I lost it. I leaned my head against the shower wall and just let it all out. All the guilt I held, all the shame I felt, all the feelings of being dirty.
Seconds, minutes, hours seemed to pass before I even realized I was no longer leaning against the wall but I had wrapped myself around Cooper who had slipped in the shower with me.
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br /> “I’m so sorry, Jay.” He said, running his hands up and down my back, soothing me with the sturdy hands I needed. There was nothing sexual in any way with the way that he held me and loved me that night. Cooper was being my backbone when all I wanted to do was crumble. He wouldn’t let me crumble alone.
When the water turned cold we dried off and both went back into Cooper’s room. I looked around for a shirt of his to sleep in but he tugged on my hand and pulled me to his bed. I sat there as he walked over to his dresser and pulled out an old baseball t-shirt of his and two pairs of boxers. He dropped his towel in front of me and I had to turn my head. I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to make me his, to claim me but he wouldn’t, couldn’t. Maybe he thought I was dirty, tainted. When he finished pulling on his boxers he dropped to his knees in front of me and helped me get dressed in his clothes. We both climbed into bed. No words were exchanged since he’d apologized for the hundredth time. I hated that he blamed himself for something he had no control over. He had nothing to do with that night.
I faced the bathroom door, needing the light to calm me. I hated sleeping in the dark anymore for what the darkness brought with it, fear and anxiety, confusion, and most of all, helplessness. I was at my mind’s mercy, free to fear the past.
As if he knew my thoughts, Cooper wrapped his body around mine and then some time later the darkness pulled me under. It was in his arms, the ones that wouldn’t let me fall alone, that I slept safe and sound for the rest of the night.
As I turn around to face Cooper he reaches behind him and pulls his shirt over his head. Wanting to feel him near me, I take a few steps toward him, my hands reaching for the button of his jeans. As I get the button undone, he does nothing to stop me. He’s watching me, eyes dark and dangerous and I lose myself in them for a moment, wanting to feel what he’s thinking.
I tug his jeans down over his hips and watch them fall to the floor. Cooper wraps his arms around my shoulders and I hold him around his stomach. My head rests on his chest and I listen to his erratic heartbeat. Cooper inhales and the next thing I know we fall to the bed and I’m pinned under him.
He kisses my neck, my jaw, behind my ear and then starts all over again. His kisses are slow, meaningful, and even convincing. I moan as his hips grind into mine, an intense feeling building quickly.
Then Cooper stops suddenly and looks into my eyes. I know that look; he thinks he’s gone too far, only he hasn’t even started to scratch my itch.
Cooper starts to roll off me but I stop him. “Stop, let it go.” I beg. “Please, for me.”
I know he’s not going to, he’s not ready. Or he doesn’t think I am. I know this deep down inside and I hate it. Our relationship to me is like hitting foul balls. He’s the umpire calling the shots, keeping the game in control, telling me when I’m out.
Cooper kisses me sweetly and then starts singing, “Let it go, let it go.”
“You really need to stop watching Frozen with Ryder and Alex.” I push him off me and straddle him.
Cooper stops singing then, his eyes anywhere but mine. I think he knows he’ll give in if he looks at me.
“Jay,” Cooper warns as I grind myself against his hardness.
This time it’s my turn to smirk, I know he feels that.
Cooper pulls the cups of my bra down, freeing my breasts, and then rolls his fingers over my aching nipples. I arch into his hands and grind against him again, this time harder.
He lets me and we go on like this for some time, he tells me how beautiful and fearless I am. My heart squeezes tight from his words, feeling them with every beat. Cooper tells me how he’s so thankful I’ve let him in to help me. He says this, but he has no idea that he is the only thing that saved me. With all his words and touch, I fall more and more in love with this man in my arms.
After a while we lay under the blankets facing each other, our legs tangled together, skin to skin, heart to heart. Cooper has a hand on my hips, right where my tattoo is, and he’s drawing hearts with his thumb. I don’t think he realizes that I know he’s doing it since they are messy hearts, but hearts nonetheless.
As we lay tangled together we don’t really need to talk - everything that we need to say is conveyed in our looks and touches, as if our bodies are saying what needs to be said.
Cooper and I have been messing around for months now, going a little further each time, but something holds him back. He hasn’t been with anyone else since all that shit went down back at Boston University. He used to have girls at his beck and call but not anymore, not since that night. He’s changed just as much as I have. We’ve got a connection we never had before, but there is also line that keeps us from crossing paths.
“So are you really ok about the whole Brittany situation?” Cooper asks, still drawing hearts on my hip.
I rest my forehead against his, not knowing if he wants the truth or not. “Honestly?”
“Always.”
I kiss his lips. “Yes and no. I hate that it was her. If it was some random girl that I didn’t know then it would be a lot easier to deal with. I know it happened a few years ago and you had no idea who she was and that’s the part I’m ok with.”
Cooper lets out a breath, his annoyance displays in the heaviness. “I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry but I was afraid of what it would do to us. You’ve been through so much shit and I didn’t want to add to it.”
I rub the back of my index finger over his cheek, “I know and I understand but I can handle shit Cooper. Look at how much I’ve handled and I’m still going. It’s going to take a lot more than that to knock me down.”
Cooper’s eyes crinkle as he smiles. “My fearless girl.”
I laugh, “Fearless, I’m not so sure about.”
Cooper stops rubbing his thumb on my hip, “You’re fearless to me. You fought when you could have been tucked away in a corner. You kicked, screamed and fought your way to the top.”
“Hey asshole! Get your fucking hands off my sister!” Hunter yells behind the closed door, smacking it with his fist.
My eyes go wide in surprise and Cooper chuckles.
“Oh Cooper… harder.” I yell, giving my voice that seductive tone it needs. “Yes…yes just like that.
Cooper covers his face with a pillow to stifle his laugh and I pulled the blankets up over my head preparing for the door to be broken down.
“Fuck! Jay, get your ass out here now.” Hunter yells back before I hear him stomping down the steps.
Cooper and I laugh as we untangle our bodies from each other and get dressed.
As soon as we walk downstairs Hunter is on me. I laugh as he wraps his arm around my neck and tries to choke me while jabbing me in my side.
“Hunter!” Jaylinn yells. “We were just screwing around with you.”
Of course I have to add fuel to the fire. “Yeah, we were just screwing around.”
I flip around and Hunter and I wrestle around on the floor. I know he isn’t trying to hurt me because his hits aren’t hard like they would be if he really thought I was upstairs screwing his sister. After a few minutes we’re both panting and sweating as my little nephew, Ryder, climbs on his dad’s back.
He starts pounding on Hunter, “You want me to get off Uncle Coop?” he asks Ryder.
Hunter lets go of me and rolls his son off him, tackling him on the floor and tickling him.
Climbing to my feet, I pull my shirt back down, noticing the rip in it now.
MacKenzie leans against the doorway to the foyer and shakes her head, “Boys will be boys. You know you two are getting pretty old now, you might hurt yourselves.”
Hunter covers Ryder’s ears and smiles up at her. “You weren’t saying that this morning, were you?”
I level Hunter with a glare and hear someone growl behind me. “Keep your fucking hands off my sister. You already knocked her up twice.”
Hailey waddles up, almost the same size as MacKenzie who is almost due and poor Hailey is only a few months, “Keep it
in your pants Mase, if I remember correctly you weren’t complaining this morning either.”
Jaylinn comes from somewhere behind me and jumps on my back, “Aren’t you glad we don’t have to worry about this shit.”
Hunter smiles up at his sister, his eyes bright with amusement. “At least someone around here listens to me.”
Jaylinn starts laughing, barely able to control her laughter. “It’s not that I’m listening to you, big brother. It’s that this guy here is waiting until I’m old, grey and living with a hundred cats before he decides that I’m ready.”
Her confession stings a little because I want nothing more than to take her virginity but neither of us are ready. She may think she is but I’m not. I can’t take something like that from her without her being one hundred percent sure she’s ready. And she’s far from that.
Hunter ignores Jaylinn’s comment and continues on with tickling Ryder.
We all pile into the living room and kitchen when my other little nephew, Alex, comes running down the hallway followed by Jackson and Chloe. Alex runs into the living room and starts playing with Ryder before he even takes his coat off.
Jackson walks into kitchen, shaking the snow from his hair, “What’s up?”
“I’m going to turn into a cat lady.” Jaylinn responds dramatically, her eyes are trained on mine as she talks. I want to take her right then and prove to her that’s not it, but I don’t.
Chloe laughs and part of me knew what was coming. “You’re still not putting out, Coop? I’m starting to think you caught something from one of your cleat chasers; either that or you’ve switched teams,” her eyebrows rise at the end giving me a questioning once over.
I glare at my sister in law, “And to think you were my favorite sister in law.”
“Hey!” Hailey pipes up. “I thought I was your favorite.”
I wink at Hailey, “You are.”
Hailey blushes as I knew she would. She’s a sucker for a wink and even a bigger sucker for my looks. Mason hates it because he thinks he’s the only one that should be making her blush.