Sky's the Limit

by Janie Millman

  Contents

  Title Page

  PART ONE

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  PART TWO

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  CHAPTER FORTY

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

  CHAPTER FIFTY

  CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

  CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO

  CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE

  CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

  CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN

  CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Copyright

  Sky’s the Limit

  Janie Millman

  PART ONE

  CHAPTER ONE

  The earth wobbled a bit as I tried to take in the enormity of what my husband was saying. Everything seemed to tilt slightly on its axis and I grabbed the wine glass which seemed as if it might fall from the table. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. I stared at him. My heart was hammering and cold beads of sweat were trickling down my back.

  ‘Sky?’ His voice was wobbling as much as the earth. I held up my hand. There was no way I could take any more.

  I gulped at my wine and concentrated on a fly making its way across the worktop. There was total silence in the room.

  ‘Sky, for God’s sake say something.’ My husband had stood up and was gripping the back of the chair as if his life depended on it.

  ‘We’re going to Marrakech in two weeks’ time.’ My voice was barely above a whisper. ‘It’s all booked, we’ve paid for it, we’re staying in a riad and we’ve got a room with a roof terrace.’

  He stared at me.

  ‘What the hell has Marrakech got to do with any of this?’ He released his grip on the chair and started pacing the room. ‘Jesus, Sky, have you been listening to a word I’ve said?’

  I’d listened to every single word but I was still unable to take it in. I couldn’t think of anything to say; my mind had gone completely blank.

  ‘This isn’t exactly the reaction I expected.’ He shook his head.

  The fly stopped in front me. I slammed my hand down savagely and flattened it. Hurling my wine glass across the room, I leapt up to face my husband, knocking the chair over.

  ‘Not the reaction you expected?’ I screamed. ‘Not the fucking reaction you expected? What was it you thought I might say, Miles?’ My face was inches away from his. ‘Enlighten me because, I admit, I’m at a complete loss.’ I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. I badly wanted to hurt him. ‘“I’m gay, darling. Our marriage is over. I’m in love with another man.”’ My voice had risen to a pitch I hadn’t known existed. ‘What’s the correct response to that?’

  ‘Sky…’ He hesitated.

  ‘Not that easy to respond to, is it?’ I spat out the words with venom. ‘A betrayal of unprecedented proportions, wouldn’t you say? Given that the other man is my best friend. It’s a bit of a double whammy.’ I let go of his shoulders as the shock hit me once again. He staggered back and I turned to face the window, swallowing the bile that had risen in my throat.

  ‘Sky, Jesus. Sky, we didn’t mean for this to happen, that’s what I’ve been trying to say, please believe me. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world; neither of us would.’

  ‘But you have, haven’t you?’ I leant my brow against the cool window pane, resisting the urge to push my head right through it. ‘You have hurt me. Both of you have hurt me and, if you didn’t mean for it to happen, then why the hell did you let it?’

  ‘I love you, Sky. We both love you.’

  ‘Just not as much as you love each other, apparently.’ An emptiness replaced my fury, a cold, terrible emptiness.

  ‘It’s a different love, Sky.’

  ‘Well, it’s certainly not the love you promised me five years ago. It’s not the love that we swore to each other standing at the altar.’ I swung around to face him. ‘Do you recall that day, Miles? The best day of our lives, or so I thought. Seems I was wrong. Perhaps you were already eyeing Nick up, wondering what sort of tackle he had underneath his kilt.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be stupid, Sky. Of course I bloody wasn’t.’

  ‘I am stupid, you’re absolutely right. That’s exactly how I feel, bloody stupid and totally humiliated.’

  Miles moved towards me but I put my hand up to stop him.

  ‘How long has it been going on?’

  ‘Sky, does that really matter?’

  ‘Yes, it really matters,’ I said slowly. ‘I think I have a right to know when you suddenly decided to let yourself out of the closet. Is Nick your first or have there been others?’ I could hear my voice begin to rise again.

  ‘No, there haven’t been any –’ But I cut him off as another thought came to me.

  ‘Who else knows? Jesus, does anyone else know?’ I was filled with horror. ‘Has the whole damn world been laughing at me?’

  ‘Sky, no one else knows.’ He gripped my shoulders firmly, forcing me to look at him. ‘No one is laughing at you and no one ever will. It started a few months ago.’ He paused and took a deep breath. ‘I don’t know how to explain it, I really don’t. It was like the final piece of a jigsaw falling into place.’

  ‘I didn’t know that a piece was missing.’

  ‘Neither did I, Sky, trust me.’ His handsome face was creased with pain but I didn’t care. ‘I love you very much and I always will, but, and I can’t say this without hurting you even more, being with Nick simply makes me feel complete in a way I have never felt before.’

  ‘But how could you never know you were gay?’ I was genuinely struggling. ‘I mean people are born homosexual, aren’t they? They don’t suddenly choose it? Well, obviously some do; you clearly have.’

  ‘It’s not really a question of being gay, Sky. It’s about the person, the person you want to be with, the person you want to share your life with.’

  ‘And the person who you choose to share your life with is Nick. Not me, but your wife’s best friend.’

  ‘It wasn’t a choice, Sky. I didn’t have a choice.’

  ‘Didn’t you?’ I snarled. God, he was making me so angry. ‘Didn’t you really? I think you did. I think we all make choices. You had a choice, you just didn’t choose me.’

  ‘Sky, please, this isn’t easy for me.’


  ‘Oh shut up, Miles.’ I slapped him then. I slapped him very hard across the face. I could see the imprint of my hand on his cheek. He gasped. There was a moment of silence. We were both shocked, neither of us liked violence, but I was certainly not repentant.

  ‘You’re going off with Nick, “the person who makes you feel complete”. While I’m left with my world crumbling around me.’ My breathing was ragged and I felt as if I was drowning. ‘You know what really hurts the most? The fact that you didn’t even talk to me about it.’

  ‘I had no idea what the hell was happening to me! One moment I was a happily married man and the next moment I was having feelings for your closest friend, the nearest thing you have to a brother, what the hell could I have said?’

  ‘I don’t know, but you could have tried. We always said we would try to be honest with each other.’

  ‘It wouldn’t have made a difference.’

  ‘You don’t know that, do you?’ I couldn’t bear his calm certainty. ‘You don’t know that because you didn’t try, you were too bloody scared. You didn’t trust me. We could have tried to work things out.’

  ‘You’re right. I was scared.’ He threw up his hands in defeat. His left cheek was still bright red. ‘I was absolutely terrified and I still am.’

  There was another silence. A deafening silence. We glared at each other, like boxers in a ring. I was waiting for the next punch.

  ‘What hurts most, Sky?’ he finally asked me. ‘The fact that I am leaving you, or the fact that I am leaving you for another man?’

  ‘I honestly don’t know.’ I really didn’t know, my head was spinning. ‘Maybe I should be grateful that you aren’t leaving me for a young blonde with big tits, but then again maybe I should have cut my hair short, left off the facial waxing and grown a moustache.’

  ‘Oh, Sky.’ Miles grinned ruefully.

  ‘What really hurts is that the two men I love most in the world have been suddenly taken away from me.’

  ‘We are still here for you. We both love you so very much.’

  ‘How can you be here for me?’ I was incensed by his insensitivity. ‘How can you possibly be here for me when you’re there for each other?’

  ‘Sky, please, we can work this out. Think of everything we’ve been through together, think of everything we’ve shared.’

  ‘And now you’re sharing each other.’ I couldn’t face hearing another word. ‘I want you to go now.’

  ‘But…’ He reached out to touch me.

  I couldn’t bear to look at him. I turned around and stood still. ‘Now, Miles.’

  After the door had closed I sank to the ground. My legs simply couldn’t support me anymore. I couldn’t move a muscle. I stared at the floor tiles, willing the tears to come, but my eyes stayed resolutely dry. I have no idea how long I sat slumped and motionless on the floor. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. I think I wanted to die then, I think if an angel had come offering me oblivion I would have accepted. But no angel appeared. Instead the telephone began to ring, bringing me slowly out of my trance. I heard the answering machine kick in. I knew exactly who it would be.

  ‘Sky, it’s me. I know you’re there.’ I heard the intake of breath as Nick inhaled his cigarette.

  ‘Skylark, I love you.’ I winced at the use of his pet name for me. ‘Jesus, I don’t know how the hell this happened, but it has and we’ve got to get through it. I’m not losing you, Sky. You mean too much to me.’ He paused. ‘We have to talk whether you want to or not…’

  ‘No, we don’t!’ I yelled. I staggered to my feet and the room swayed dangerously. I grabbed the phone. ‘I never ever want to speak to you ever again, never.’ Flinging the phone to the floor I ground it beneath my feet. ‘Never, never, ever again, never ever…’

  I collapsed onto the floor as, from deep within, a keening noise erupted, a sound I didn’t recognise as being my own. And then the tears started. Oh boy, did they start. They seemed to flood from every orifice: they poured from my eyes, my nose was streaming, and bubbles were coming out of my mouth. I wondered briefly if it were possible to drown in your own tears.

  Nick stared helplessly at his phone. It was, of course, the reaction he had expected. He could hardly blame her. It was all his fault. Christ, what a mess. What a bloody awful mess. He stubbed out his cigarette and immediately lit another.

  He could picture her now, her lovely face white and bloodless, the freckles standing out on the bridge of her nose and her dark blue eyes wide with shock. She would be hugging her arms to her chest with her face turned to the wall as if to shut out the world. He wanted nothing more than to rush over, pull her into his arms and comfort her as he had so many times before.

  They had met on their first day at primary school and he could remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, this tiny young creature standing alone, shy and uncertain. He had thought she looked like a fairy. He had walked towards her, held out his hand and said, ‘Let’s go in together.’

  She had placed her small hand trustingly in his and smiled, her whole face lighting up with joy.

  And now he had hurt her, his precious Sky, his soul mate, his fairy queen. He put his hands to his head and screamed.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Gail came back from the kitchen carrying the birthday cake. She paused at the lounge door just long enough to overhear her younger sister say, ‘Gail would never come skiing. Gail doesn’t do exciting, the only exciting thing she’s ever done in her whole life is to have a bloody baby.’

  Gail stood rooted to the spot on the threshold of the door.

  ‘She might like to be asked.’ Gail recognised the voice of Holly, her favourite out of her sister’s friends.

  ‘Gail works in a bank, Holly, has done for the last twenty years, enough said.’ Dee sniggered and the others dutifully joined in.

  The candles were dripping wax onto the cake but Gail was paralysed.

  ‘Dee, why are you always so mean?’ Holly sounded irritated. ‘She’s giving you this party today.’

  ‘I’m doing her a favour,’ Dee said dismissively. ‘Let’s face it, what else would she be doing on a Sunday afternoon?’

  Gail thought of the precious Sunday afternoons spent with her son. The beautiful walks in Epping Forest, the cinema trips, the go-karting he adored and the lazy Sunday roasts or the occasional treat at Pizza Express. She thought of Sonny today, lying quietly and uncomplaining in front of endless DVDs while she entertained her sister’s friends. Dee had hugged him briefly when she’d first arrived and then ignored him. Gail looked down at the birthday cake which she had baked last night at the end of a very long and very tiring day and felt a surge of pure white anger such as she had never felt before.

  Vehemently kicking the door wide open, she marched into the lounge tunelessly screeching ‘Happy Birthday’. Startled, the girls leapt to their feet to sing with her.

  ‘Blow the candles out quickly, Dawn.’ Gail slammed the cake on the table. ‘They’re ruining the icing.’

  ‘I never realised that Dee stood for Dawn,’ Holly said.

  Dee glared at her sister. Gail shrugged, the name had slipped out in the heat of the moment, it hadn’t been intentional, but she’d always thought the nickname ridiculous, to her it sounded like a one-hit wonder pop star from the eighties.

  ‘I think Dawn is a lovely name,’ Holly said. ‘The start of the day, the start of something new.’

  ‘Just give it a bloody rest, Holly,’ Dee snarled at her. Holly stared at her for a moment before deliberately turning to Gail. ‘We’re planning a skiing trip, Gail, do you fancy coming?’

  ‘Sounds lovely,’ Gail replied without a moment’s hesitation. ‘When are you going?’ Holly glanced triumphantly at Dee who stared back in astonishment.

  ‘End of March, beginning of April, there’s been plenty of snow so we should be fine.’

  ‘Damn,’ Gail said, handing out the cake. ‘In that case I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check. I’m going to
Morocco.’

  ‘Morocco?’ Dee choked on her cake. ‘Morocco?’ She screeched. ‘Why the hell are you going to Morocco?’

  ‘Well, it’s somewhere I’ve always fancied and I think it’s about time Sonny met his father.’ Nothing in Gail’s voice or face betrayed the fact that this was a spur of the moment decision. She didn’t miss a beat.

  ‘I didn’t know Sonny’s dad was Moroccan,’ Holly said.

  ‘Well, he certainly doesn’t get that olive complexion from me,’ Gail laughed, indicating her fair skin.

  ‘When did you decide to go to Morocco?’ Dee was stunned. ‘Where in Morocco? You never told me. Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘Heavens, I didn’t think I had to run it past you first, Dee.’ Gail’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. ‘I’m going to Marrakech, I’ll show you all the arrangements if you’re interested.’

  Dee stared sullenly back at her.

  ‘Well, folks, if you don’t mind I’m going to love you and leave you.’ Gail glanced around at the girls. ‘I’ve promised Sonny some cake and then I have some bits and pieces I need to do before work tomorrow.’

  Dee frowned and looked at her watch. She opened her mouth to speak but Gail turned to her first.

  ‘Dee, could you make sure you lock the front door when you leave.’ She walked to the door. ‘It’s been so lovely seeing you all, enjoy the rest of the evening, I imagine you’re off clubbing or pubbing, the night is yet young, but sadly I’m not.’ She laughed brightly. She knew that she was breaking up the party and she knew that Dawn had probably been planning on staying the night but she was certainly in no mood for that.