Christmas Cowboy

by Claire Adams

  Lino looked taken aback at my abruptness, and when I glanced over, Christian did as well. But fortunately, Lino took the hint and finally walked off, back to his surf buddies.

  “Well, that was interesting,” Christian commented as the other man walked away. “You want to explain that one to me?”

  I sighed and buried my face in my hands, trying to press away the migraine that I could already feel coming on after that whole meeting. “Like I said, Lino is my ex,” I told Christian, trying to shrug it off.

  “There was clearly something more to it than that, or you're more of a bitch than I realized,” Christian said. “I guess it's not the latter, so I'm wondering about the former.”

  “He got me pregnant,” I finally cried. “We'd been together for a while at that point, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I was so happy, Christian. I was sure that we were going to get married and be one happy family, I guess. Him and me, and our unborn daughter.”

  “I take it Lino didn't see things that way?” Christian asked, his expression already darkening.

  I shook my head miserably. “Not at all,” I told him. “He wanted me to have an abortion. I refused. I told him he could leave us if that's what he wanted, but I wasn't going to get an abortion. He told me that I was being selfish, but it was my child as much as his. I had every right to decide if I wanted to keep her. Especially since it was my body that she was going to be popping out of.”

  Christian sighed and began to rub my back, the touch soothing. It gave me the strength to continue.

  “I refused to have an abortion, but still, I had a miscarriage. I know that those things happen, I know that now, anyway. I didn't know that before, I guess. It was surprising to me, afterward, to learn just how many women miscarry.” I took a deep breath. “And Lino was happy about it. He was glad that I had miscarried the baby because it meant that he never had to worry about taking responsibility for it. For us.”

  “That's horrible,” Christian said, his shock clear in his voice. He didn't even sound particularly angry like I might have expected from him. Instead, he just sounded upset. On my behalf.

  “Yeah, it was pretty rough,” I said, dashing away a few tears that had fallen. “Lino and I fought over it. Finally, he told me that he just couldn't stand to be around me anymore. Said that I was too emotional and that he should never have slept with me to begin with. Said that it was my fault that I had gotten pregnant, that I must not have taken my birth control pills properly or something like that. He said a lot of horrible things. That's neither here nor there now, though.”

  I looked up at him, needing him to see the truth of things in my eyes. “I was devastated for a long time,” I told him. “And that's part of why Mina was so uncertain about letting me get into things with you; she's just worried about me, as a good friend should be. And I love her for that.” I glanced down. I didn't want to admit to him that what I felt for him was ten times what I had ever felt for Lino. He would be leaving soon enough, and it wasn't fair to either of us to start professing our love or anything like that.

  “Come here, you,” Christian said, pulling me even closer and resting his cheek on top of my head. “I can't even imagine what you've gone through,” he told me. “That must have been so difficult, and you're so brave to have gotten through that and stuck to your beliefs the whole time. That's amazing.”

  “Thanks,” I said softly.

  “So, this luau,” he said, thankfully changing the subject. “You want me to come with you?”

  “Absolutely,” I told him. “The way you start off the New Year is key in determining your fortune for the rest of the year, right?” I wished I could take back the words as soon as I'd said them. I wasn't insinuating that he should stay there with me in Hawaii for the rest of the year, just that…

  But he kissed me on the top of the head, fingers still stroking down my arm. “Sounds like a plan,” he told me easily.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Christian

  I stared at the computer screen as I received confirmation of my flight.

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, wondering how I was going to break the news to Gretchen. I didn't want to leave so soon, but George had scheduled the annual New Year's press conference so that we could beat out some of our competitors who would be holding theirs a few days later. The idea was, if we could get into people's heads first in the new year, then we could drum up some additional business.

  I understood all of that, from a business perspective. But it meant that if I was to be part of the press conference, and part of the future of the business, I supposed, then I needed to be back in New York beginning on January 2nd at the latest.

  There was a knock on the door, and I grimaced, knowing that it was Gretchen, come to take me down to the luau. I wished that we could just have one last, special night together without this hanging over our heads, but I knew that that wasn't possible. I owed it to her to let her know that I was leaving the next morning.

  “Come on, come on,” Gretchen said, grabbing my arm and dragging me immediately out the door. “I'm sorry, I'm running late, and we're about to miss the big town fireworks show. Trust me, that's going to be great, and we don't want to miss it!”

  I laughed a little and let her drag me along, glad that I had a bit of a reprieve, no matter how short it might be. We made it down to the beach just in time to watch the town's fireworks show, which was mirrored on a few of the beaches by locals and tourists alike, who were already getting the merriment going.

  Gretchen leaned close to me, her presence a warm weight at my side, and I couldn't help feeling better than I had in a while.

  But in the back of my head, I was still trying to figure out how to tell her that I was leaving early the next morning.

  When the fireworks ended, we got into Gretchen's car and drove over to the beach for the luau. The place was even busier than it had been the previous time, and there were a few different fires lit, with people clustering around each of them. Gretchen laughed a little, shaking her head. “Every year, it seems like there are more of us down here,” she said, “but it's still just always locals! I don't know where they all come from.”

  I laughed and followed her down onto the beach, wishing I'd had a moment to tell her about my departure when we'd been in the car. I couldn't tell her about it here when we were surrounded by so many people, and the later it got, the drunker everyone was probably going to get.

  I'd need to find some way to pull her aside, at some point.

  “Hey guys,” Mina said, detaching herself from the group and coming up to us, giving Gretchen a big hug.

  Gretchen giggled and nearly fell as Mina went into it with a bit too much force. “Hey, girl,” she said. “How's the luau?”

  “Always a good time,” Mina said, beaming at her. “I'm glad you could come too, Christian.”

  “Me too,” I said, forcing myself to smile, to stop thinking about what I needed to tell Gretchen. I would just have to wait for the right opportunity.

  Of course, setting aside those thoughts was easier said than done.

  “You seem a little bit off,” Gretchen whispered to me a little while later.

  I frowned over at her. “What do you mean?” I asked, even though I knew she was right. “I've been talking to people and everything else, same as you.”

  “Yeah, I know,” she said, sounding hurt at my tone. She shook her head. “Just, if you want to go, we can go.”

  “Why would I want to go?” I asked, rolling my eyes so that she would think I wasn't even considering it. The truth was, leaving was probably the best idea. I wanted to enjoy the luau, but at the same time, I couldn't seem to put aside my thoughts. If I could just get a quiet moment alone with her, it would be great.

  “I'm going to get another drink,” Gretchen told me, still looking doubtful and concerned. “Do you want anything?”

  I held up the beer in my hand, which I had barely touched despite the fact that we must ha
ve been there for at least an hour. “I'm still good,” I told her. I was afraid that if I drank too much, I'd do something that I regretted. This night was going to be long enough already without that.

  And getting longer, it seemed.

  As soon as Gretchen walked off to get another drink, Lino came up to me. “You're lucky, you know,” the man said, watching Gretchen move through the crowd, pausing every now and then to laugh with some of her friends.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, even though I knew I shouldn't engage the man, especially not after hearing the whole backstory between him and Gretchen. I wasn't the kind of guy to start fights usually, but if anyone deserved a good kick in the balls, this was the guy.

  “You got to have her, and now you get to leave,” Lino said. “No strings attached. You just got to have all the fun parts of a relationship with Gretchen without all the bullshit that comes with it if you're with her long-term.”

  I gaped at him, wondering if these words were coming out of his mouth. “You're an asshole,” I told him, shaking my head. “Gretchen is an amazing girl. She is one of the kindest, most giving people that I've ever met, and if you weren't able to support her, if you weren't able to work through a rough patch with her, then you never deserved her.”

  “You don't know the whole story,” Lino said, shaking his head.

  “Oh, I'm pretty sure I do,” I said. “And guess what? You were wrong. And I can tell that you're starting to realize how wrong you were, that's why you're coming up to talk to her every time you get the chance. That's why you're always following her with your eyes here at these luaus. You're realizing what you lost, and you're desperate to get that back. But guess what? You are never going to get her back. Move along.”

  Lino laughed. “Oh, really? Because, what, you're going to stay with her forever? We all know you're leaving soon. And when it comes down to it anyway, Gretchen belongs with someone from the island. We share the same background, the same way of living, the same goals in life. You're just some dude from New York that, sure, was probably a decent fuck for a while. But she's not going to miss you. And she definitely would never end up with you, even if you stayed here.”

  “Yeah, whatever, buddy,” I said, already searching the crowd for Gretchen's return. As if she sensed my need for her presence, she suddenly materialized at my side, looking between Lino and me.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked slowly.

  “Yeah, yeah, just chatting a little with your beau,” Lino said, giving her a charming smile. “But I have to go bother Madge for her pineapple cake recipe; you know, she still hasn't given it to me, after all these years!”

  Gretchen laughed, but the second Lino walked off, she turned concerned eyes on me. “Is everything okay?” she asked. “Things seemed a little tense.”

  “It's fine,” I snapped, wishing she would quit asking me that. Something about being around Gretchen and her ex had me on edge. I was working on being less volatile, but I still had a tiger inside of me. It was insecurity. The need to be front and center, and Lino being there left me feeling a little less than. It was fucking with me. Badly. “He just wanted to chat. It wasn't anything important.” As much as I wanted to play it off, it was important.

  Maybe I’d made a mistake by being with her, starting to fall for her. My fight or flight kicked into gear and I knew I was in trouble. Fuck me.

  “Maybe we should go,” Gretchen said slowly, putting a hand on my arm. “Seriously, Christian, I don't care about the luau; it's just any other luau. At the end of the night, I'm just happy to have you.”

  I shook her hand off my arm. “You don't have me,” I snarled. “We were never doing anything more than just having fun, Gretchen, you know that. It could never be anything more. You wouldn't survive a day in New York, and me? I could never do this.” I gave a sharp gesture around to the people at the luau. “You all spend your days not doing anything; I could never do that. You don't have me, Gretchen. I'm going back to New York.”

  Gretchen looked shocked, with one of her hands up over her mouth, and there were tears in her eyes as well. I knew we had to be making a bit of a scene, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Better that this whole thing ended in flames, that there was nothing to come back to, because if I left myself something to come back to, who knew what I might do once I reached New York.

  I needed to get my head back into things, to be the cool and uncaring real estate exec. My vacation was over.

  “You're leaving already?” Gretchen asked, her voice barely a whisper.

  “Yeah,” I snapped. “I've got my tickets booked and everything.” I glanced around, definitely not in the mood for more drinking and socializing and fireworks. There was no magic left in this luau, not for me. “I should go.”

  “I drove you,” Gretchen said, even though it must have pained her to even offer to take me back.

  “I'll call a cab,” I said shortly. “Has to be someone working tonight, despite the fact that most of you seem to lack any sort of work ethic.”

  I was being needlessly cruel to her, and I knew that. Maybe she didn't work in a white-collar profession, but I knew how hard she worked. And Mina as well, and so many other people who I had met around the island.

  But if I was going to burn bridges, I needed to do it spectacularly. Gretchen was too nice, and I knew that if I only did things halfway, she'd still find it in herself to take me back.

  Even now, she reached for my arm, trying to plead with me, but I brushed her away and stalked off, refusing to look back. I was all the way on the road before I was able to draw in a deep breath, and I realized that I was shaking all over. It felt like I'd just run a marathon or something, and I couldn't remember the last time I had had this depth of feeling for anything. Even George had never been able to incite this much passion in me.

  It took everything I had not to look back, even though I knew that by now, Gretchen would have melted into the crowd to be comforted by Mina, her friends.

  Lino. Fuck.

  I swallowed hard against a flash of jealousy. But there was nothing I could do about that. If Lino won her back, then he won her back. It wasn't like I'd ever know, one way or the other. I was never going to be able to come back here, and I definitely wasn't going to be able to keep in contact with any of them. Even Mark would hate me if he knew what I had just done.

  I sat down on the curb to wait for my taxi, putting my head down in my hands. I had done exactly what I had to do. But God did it hurt.

  Chapter Thirty

  Gretchen

  I woke up early on January 1st, after a night of fitful sleep interspersed with bouts of tears. Fortunately, I didn't have any appointments for that day, although maybe it would have been better to have appointments and to keep myself busy.

  I made a pot of strong coffee and just stood there while it brewed, staring pensively into the liquid, hardly able to believe what had happened the night before. I'd been so excited to bring him to another luau. I'd been so excited to kiss him at midnight. I'd been so excited to start my year with him, surrounded by all of my friends.

  I hadn't expected him to act like the Christian who everyone else seemed to know. The guy who just fucked girls and then broke their hearts. God, I was so stupid. All the signs had been there all along. I should have listened to Mina and quit the whole thing before I'd gotten my feelings tied up in it.

  I brought my coffee out to the porch, and for a moment, I stared down at the romance novel that I'd been reading lately. I carefully set my coffee down on the table and picked up the book, thumbing through it for a moment. Then, I brought it out to the trashcan and dumped it inside.

  Mina was right all along. There's no such thing as true love.

  I'd thought I'd had it, that was the thing. I hadn't even labeled it as love inside my head, but I still had been in love. It didn't matter now.

  Mina was almost hesitant as she walked up onto my porch that morning. “Hey, girl,” she said. “How are you doing?”

  I
shook my head. “I'm fine,” I told her, lazily swinging back and forth and trying to pretend that it was normal for me to be lying out here without a book in hand.

  Mina sighed. “I brought breakfast. Come on. It's parfaits from that great place over on the other side of the island. I got up early to get them.”

  I grimaced. “I'm not hungry,” I told her. “I appreciate the effort, but-”

  “I'm not taking no for an answer,” Mina said, shaking her head. “Come on, get up.”

  I sighed and allowed myself to be directed out toward the back porch, stopping on the way for more coffee for myself, as well as a mug for Mina.

  “So, what happened last night?” she asked as we sat down at the table.

  I shrugged. “You probably saw all of it.”

  “Yeah, we saw you guys fighting, but we moved away from you guys, so nobody heard what you were fighting about.”

  “He's going back to New York,” I said. That was all that mattered about it anyway.

  “You've known for weeks that he was going to eventually go bak to New York,” Mina said, sounding confused. “What was there to argue about? Unless he was trying to get you to go to New York with him? Or you were trying to get him to stay here?”

  “Oh no,” I said with a bitter laugh. “No, that is definitely not what happened.”

  “What happened, then?” Mina asked gently.

  I sighed. “He was just being a jerk, okay? He said that there was never anything between us, that we were just fucking. Which, of course, we were; he's Christian Wall. He's done this all over the world. If you want to say, 'I told you so,' go right ahead.”

  Mina blinked over at me. “Oh, honey,” she said sympathetically. “But the thing is, he hasn't done this all over the world. There are probably a few other girls who he has taken home more than once. As far as anyone knows, though, he's never been monogamous with someone, and not for a whole month. He doesn't even really date people the way that he dated you. Besides, I've seen the two of you together. If you're trying to tell me that he didn't have any feelings for you, you're either blind or seriously deluded.”