Christmas Cowboy

by Claire Adams

  “They're not just difficult,” I snapped. “I've totally ruined things.”

  Jeff was silent for a long moment, and then he shook his head. “You probably thought the same with me, didn't you?” he finally said, his voice quiet and reflective. “But look at us now.”

  I stared blankly at him. “You're saying you think I should, what, fly back to Hawaii and just tell Gretchen I'm sorry? Even if I did that, we wouldn't be able to stay together. Her life is there, and mine here.”

  “Yours doesn't seem to be giving you a lot of satisfaction here in New York,” Jeff said, shrugging a little. “Obviously, I'm no shrink, but I can't help but wonder if that lack of fulfillment is exactly what's been causing you to go totally off the rails for the past few years.”

  I scowled at him. “Yeah, yeah. Come on. I don't want you sitting in my kitchen giving me a lecture about it.”

  “I'm not trying to give you a lecture,” Jeff said soothingly. “I'm just trying to tell you that you'll never know if you've totally ruined things unless you ask.”

  I frowned and then took a big bite out of my sandwich, hoping he would realize that I was done with this conversation. “So, what's up with you anyway?” I asked once I had chewed and swallowed. Fortunately, Jeff let me change the subject, telling me all about the conference he was going to be taking part in that weekend.

  I half-listened. I couldn't help thinking about what he'd said before, about how I wouldn't know unless I asked.

  He was right.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Gretchen

  “Ooh,” Mina said when I came to work on Wednesday morning. “That's a cute dress, is that new?”

  I blushed a little and ran my hands down the purple material. “Yeah,” I admitted. “I did a little retail therapy on my day off.”

  Mina laughed. “Not something that I ever really thought I'd hear from you, but I'm glad,” she said. “Even though I'm pretty bummed that I was working and couldn't join you.”

  I smiled at her. “Some other time, maybe. But I'm feeling better now, anyway.”

  “You look better,” Mina said, eyeing me closely. “You either got a new foundation that works well, or you've gone back to sleeping like a normal person.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I slept well last night,” I admitted. I shrugged. “Slowly but surely, I'm getting over him.”

  “Good,” Mina said, nodding at me. “I hate seeing you so sad.”

  “Yeah. I think I might even start dating again.”

  Mina blinked. “Oh, really?” she asked, sounding surprised. “You have your eye on someone, or is that an invitation to a wild night out next weekend?”

  I shook my head. “Have my eye on someone,” I told her. I paused. “I'm thinking of asking Lino out on a date this weekend.”

  If it was possible, Mina looked even more shocked. “Do you think that's a good idea?” she asked slowly.

  I shrugged. “He came by the shop to see me the other day,” I told her. “He said that he's starting to realize exactly what he missed out on. He said that he's grown up a little. And he reminded me that the miscarriage was just as hard on him as it was on me. I don't know why I've never really thought about that before, but-”

  “Hmm, maybe because he didn't act like he cared one way or another about the miscarriage?” Mina asked sarcastically. “Oh wait, no, that's not true. He was relieved that you had miscarried the baby. He never wanted that kid, and you know it.”

  I sighed. “Look, Lino and I could have a great life together, I think. He loves me, and I love him. Maybe not in that perfect, Hollywood-style love, maybe not like the characters of those stupid romance novels that I always read. But all relationships have their ups and downs, and there's no reason just to get rid of a relationship because you had a little difficulty once. Lino and I have both moved on, and I think that he's matured, just like he said.”

  “And did he come right out and say that he was sorry?” Mina asked, still sounding angry. She rolled her eyes at my guilty expression. “Of course, he didn't,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “Look, I want to be happy for you, Gretchen, and I'm glad that you think you're already ready to move on after Christian. But this seems like a total rebound move, and I don't want Lino to end up hurting you again. I remember what it was like last time, and-”

  “If I want to date Lino, that's my choice,” I interrupted.

  “Of course, it is,” Mina said, her voice going soft. “You know I would never try to tell you not to date a guy. I'm just trying to remind you that despite what Lino says about how mature he's gotten, he still has yet to apologize to you for the way he handled the news that you were pregnant and the way that he handled the miscarriage.”

  “We all handle grief in different ways,” I said. “I can't blame him for that.”

  Mina sighed. “You have too big of a heart,” she said, shaking her head. “Of course, you don't blame him for that. I just want you to be careful, okay? Don't go getting in over your head.”

  “I won't,” I promised, even though I knew, somewhere deep down, that whenever Lino was concerned, I was already in too deep, given our history. But still, he might be my only remaining chance to have a husband. I'd just have to be careful and make sure I didn't get pregnant this time.

  I felt a pang inside me at that thought. I'd always imagined having kids and teaching them to surf, taking them for walks along the beach, teaching them all the secrets of this beautiful island, having them grow up loving it as much as I did. I knew that Lino didn't want kids, and I knew that if I married him, I was never going to have kids. That wasn't even up for discussion. I didn't even know if I could bring myself to want to conceive with him after the way that he'd reacted to the news of my pregnancy before.

  But still, a life with Lino was better than a life spent alone. And I knew that there was no way I was ever going to see Christian again. If the one guy I could ever love refused to be in my life, then I'd just have to make do.

  My appointment that day was younger, a girl in her twenties who was just there on a weeklong trip with some of her friends. “Jessica's dad booked it for us, as a Christmas gift for her,” she told me, laughing a little. “My parents don't have that kind of money, so I feel kind of weird being here, but it wasn't like I was going to say no!”

  “That's a pretty special friend,” I said, smiling. “Hawaii's a beautiful place, especially at this time of year when it's not too hot and humid!”

  “Oh, it's so beautiful,” Andrea agreed. She shook her head. “You're so lucky that you live here. I can't even imagine. Going to the beaches every day, gorging on fresh fruit shakes, doing yoga, and just relaxing. It's so incredible here.”

  I grimaced a little, glad that she couldn't see me from her face-down position on the mat. “Yeah, it's pretty great,” I said. “But it has its drawbacks too. My life isn't like what yours is like when you're on your vacation, remember. I have to come in here to work and everything. I have to pay the bills. I cook a lot of my meals rather than eating out at restaurants.”

  “True,” Andrea said. “But this is your job. You're not stuck in an office, and you're not stuck with a bunch of obnoxious coworkers. This one girl who I work with is getting married in a few weeks, and she's been so ridiculous for months now. It's her fiancé this and her fiancé that. It’s all she talks about, and then there's the actual work.”

  I shook my head, listening to her ramble on, letting her get it out of her system. The thing was, I had always loved Hawaii, and I always would. But the thing about it was, the grass was always greener on the other side. She had a selection of thousands of guys who she could marry. I knew everyone on the island. I'd grown up with them all. Unless they were tourists, who were just there for a few weeks, if that, and then went back home again.

  Plus, there was this whole business thing with Mina. She'd been careful not to hint at it again since she had brought up the idea of merging our businesses, but I couldn't help feeling the weight of that id
ea every morning when she came by to see me. I still hadn't made a decision on it, except that I wasn't sure about it and didn't know how to approach any of the issues with her.

  Finally, it was time for the massage to be over, and since it was my last massage of the day, I suppressed a sigh of relief at that. All I wanted was to go home, take a dip in the hot tub, and drink a glass of wine. Then, maybe I'd give Lino a call and see what he was up to that weekend.

  My plans were derailed as I walked out of the massage room and saw Christian standing there, waiting for me.

  “Oh my god, Christian Wall!” my client said, her voice unnaturally shrill. She immediately threw her arms around him. “I thought you were back in New York already? Can we take a picture? My friends aren't going to believe this. It's you! Oh, my God. You look even more handsome in person. Do you need someone to show you around Hawaii? I haven't been here that long, but I know some great places.”

  Christian grimaced but went through the motions, allowing the girl to take a selfie with him and chat his ear off. Finally, she seemed to notice the way he was looking at me, and she paused, glancing between the two of us. “Oh,” she said. “Oh. Sorry, I'll leave you to it.” She coughed lightly, gave him one last hug, and then, mercifully, left us in peace.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Christian

  Gretchen didn't look happy to see me, standing there in the lobby of her shop, and I couldn't blame her. And then there was all the awkwardness with her customer recognizing me. If there was ever a time that I wished I could be totally unrecognizable, it was then. Still, it wasn't like I could tell the girl to get lost so that I could talk to Gretchen. I tried to convey to Gretchen with my eyes just how uncomfortable I was.

  Finally, the woman left, and Gretchen and I were alone.

  “Get out,” she whispered, her hands clenching into fists.

  “Gretchen, please,” I said, desperate to just talk to her, to explain. I had a feeling if anyone was going to make sense of what was going on in my head right now, it was her. She had always seemed to understand me so well. So much better than I even understood myself. But she showed no signs of wanting to hear me say anything.

  “Get out,” she repeated, louder this time. She pointed a finger at me. “You don't get to just disappear and then show up two weeks later like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's the way things work with your other fuck-buddies, but-”

  “Gretchen, you were never just a fuck-buddy, and you know that. I would hope so, anyway,” I said pleadingly.

  “Oh, really?” she asked sarcastically. “I thought that's what we were. Since, you know, we never were in a relationship or anything. Like you said, I knew you were going back to New York, and you knew I was going to stay here in Hawaii. We were just fucking. That's what fuck-buddies do, isn't it? No strings attached.”

  “Gretchen,” I sighed, running a hand back through my hair.

  “No,” she said, shaking her head. She caught my arm and began pushing me out her shop.

  “I knew I'd ruined things,” I muttered, hating the raw feeling the crept into my voice.

  Gretchen laughed bitterly. “What, was there any question of that?” she asked. “You were an ass to me, Christian. You-”

  “Jeff said I wouldn't know if I'd ruined things unless I actually asked you,” I admitted. “God, I know it was stupid of me to fly all the way down here. I just...”

  “As a matter of fact, I'm planning on going on a date with Lino this weekend,” she said, tossing her hair a little. “So, as you can see, whatever we had, I'm over it now.”

  I grimaced. “Gretchen-” I started. Then, I shook my head. “I'm sorry. I know that that probably doesn't mean anything, but I'm sorry for the way I treated you on New Year's Eve and for the fact that I just skipped town without even telling you I was going. It was stupid. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I need to make sure you know how sorry I am. You're such an amazing woman, one of the only women who I've ever felt compelled to be close to.” I took a deep breath. “But I suppose that doesn't matter now. I fucked things up. I just hope that you're happy in the future, Gretchen, whoever you end up with, whether it's Lino or, or someone else. You deserve the best.”

  Gretchen stared at me for a long moment, looking as though she was warring with herself internally. “You're sorry?” she said finally.

  I took that as encouragement to continue. “I haven't been fair to you,” I said. “Like I said, you deserve the best, and I've been…”

  “An ass,” Gretchen said succinctly.

  “Worse than that,” I told her, shaking my head. “It's not just New Year's. We've been dating the whole time I've been here, but I refused to even try to commit to anything more than that. That wasn't fair to you. I knew that you were looking for a relationship, and I knew that I was acting as though we were in a relationship, without bothering to try to figure out any sorts of long-term details. But the truth is, Gretchen, I didn't know what I was doing.”

  “What, you didn't realize you were stringing me along?” she asked harshly.

  “It's not that,” I said softly. I shrugged awkwardly. “The thing is, I've never been in a relationship before. I knew I was getting in over my head, but I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to be doing or not doing. And by the time I realized we were basically in a relationship, it was too late to go back and forget about it all. I like you, Gretchen. I’m falling in love with you.”

  She frowned, chewing on her lower lip. “But you're going back to New York,” she said finally. “And I'm staying here in Hawaii. You wouldn't compromise even to move to, like, California, would you? That's what relationships are about, though: compromise. And I understand that you don't know what you're doing and that-”

  “Why California?” I interrupted, confused.

  She made an impatient noise. “Because you could probably do your real estate stuff out of Los Angeles or San Francisco or somewhere, and I wouldn't be too upset to start up a massage studio by the beach there.”

  I blinked, shocked by that. “You've been thinking about this, haven't you?” I asked weakly, feeling like the biggest heel in the world.

  To my surprise, though, she looked a bit embarrassed. “Mina mentioned that one,” she admitted. “And it was only after you left.”

  I frowned. “So, before I left, were you thinking...”

  “No!” Gretchen cried. “I was carefully not thinking about any of that because I knew that we were never going to actually end up together. Like you said on New Year's Eve, we both knew that from the start. No matter how much I wanted…” She broke off, shaking her head and brushing away tears.

  “Gretchen,” I said, feeling wrecked at the emotions and sexual tension between us. I took a step forward, but she laughed bitterly and took a step back.

  “Don't,” she said, shaking her head. “I can't just have sex with you again. And I know you're going back to New York, when, tomorrow morning? Tonight?”

  “I haven't booked my flight yet,” I told her slowly. “I called Paul from the airport and told him that I wasn't sure about my future in the business and…” I took a deep breath. “If you don't want to try this, then yeah, I'll probably hop on a flight tomorrow. It's too difficult to stay here otherwise, thinking about everything that I fucked up.”

  Gretchen looked confused. “You're not sure about your future in the business?” she said. “Did something happen when you went back? Did they-”

  “Everyone's been fine with my return,” I told her. “Except for me. I'm not sure that I want to be back there. I kept expecting things to get easier, to start to feel normal again. But instead, I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I'm not interested in any of it anymore. And I was talking to Paul about it, I told him about you, and he pointed out that if I wanted to, I have more than enough money saved up that I could retire now and live comfortably for the rest of my life.”

  Gretchen narrowed her eyes at me, as though expecting some sort of trick. “That's not ju
st another line to get me in bed with you, is it?” she asked. “It's not like an 'I'm leaving my wife, oh wait, no I'm not!' situation, is it?”

  I laughed half-heartedly. “Gretchen, if you don't know me well enough to trust me by now…” Then, I grimaced. “I suppose I haven't done anything to earn that trust lately, though, have I?”

  Gretchen stared at me for a long moment. “You're serious, though, aren't you?” she asked, her voice barely audible.

  “Totally serious,” I said, nodding at her. “I've never been more serious about anything or anyone in my life.” We stood there for a long moment staring at one another. Finally, I laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck. Something about her brought me down a few pegs from the suave, confident guy that I'd always been. I supposed that was what happened when your feelings got tied up into it.

  I supposed that was what happened when you fell in love.

  “I guess I should give you time to think things over, huh?” I said when it became clear that she wasn't sure what to say in response. “Sorry to spring this on you too. I probably should have called first, before just showing up here, but I didn't think you would answer. And even if you did answer, I was afraid you'd hang up on me or something. I thought it would be better to do this in person. Anyway, I just kind of wanted to see you. I've missed you, and-”

  Gretchen cut off my babbling by surging forward and kissing me. She caught me off guard, flat-footed, and I stumbled backward, nearly toppling both of us. But I managed to get my feet back under myself quickly, and I pulled her close, gentling the kiss from one of frantic desperation to one that I hoped conveyed all the feelings I was having a hard time saying to her.

  “We should talk things over more,” Gretchen said regretfully as she pulled away from the kiss. “Responsible adults wouldn't just have sex again, without-”

  I groaned and rested my forehead against hers, barely able to keep myself from consuming her. “I haven't had sex since the last time you and I did,” I told her. “I've barely even had the will to masturbate. I need this.”