Christmas Cowboy

by Claire Adams

  “Jesus, what the hell kind of world is that?” he asked.

  “It’s a brutal world,” I admitted. “It’s being raised to understand that you are competing with other kids at all times and that the weak will lose. It’s always about winning. And in order to win, you can never, ever let your guard down.”

  We sat in silence as my words sunk in, and then Brian said, “I grew up in a neighborhood where we kicked each other’s asses, but we also had each other’s backs when the shit hit the fan.”

  “I’ve always wondered what that would feel like,” I admitted. “What it would be like to know that someone always had your back, no matter what. I’ve always felt the opposite of that. Like I’d be torn down and destroyed if I ever let my guard down for even a second, so I developed a really mean outer persona.”

  “You, mean?” he said incredulously. “I can’t even imagine it.”

  “Oh, believe it,” I said. “I was the ultimate mean girl, but it was totally based on fear and the need to keep everyone at a safe distance.”

  “What changed it?” he asked.

  “You don’t want to know,” I said.

  “Yeah, actually, I do,” he whispered into my hair.

  “You won’t like me if I tell you,” I replied.

  “I promise that I’ll still like you,” he said. “We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t. But those of us who’ve learned from the experience never forget it.”

  I tipped my chin up to look at him as he said this, but his face gave nothing away.

  “I was in high school, at an East Coast boarding school, and there was a girl who had a nervous breakdown because we bullied her relentlessly,” I took a deep breath. “It was my fault, I think. I was so mean to her and told her that no one liked her.”

  “Why did you do that?” he asked, without moving away.

  “I…I…I…was jealous,” I stammered.

  “Of what?”

  I looked down at the floor and thought about how to explain myself, and then decided that the truth was the best choice. I took a deep breath and said, “The fact that her parents obviously loved her because they were always sending her care packages and came to visit her every few weeks. I was so envious and I hated her for making me feel so unloved, so I tortured her.”

  “Like I said, we all do things that we later regret,” Brian said gently. “The question is whether we learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them.”

  “Oh, I learned alright,” I whispered. “I will never forget the lesson I learned.”

  “What happened?”

  “We bullied her so relentlessly that she tried to kill herself in order to escape,” I said in a small voice. “She didn’t succeed, but she never came back to school. I don’t know what happened to her, but I’ve always hoped that her life got much better after her parents took her out of our nest of vipers.”

  “Stop beating yourself up,” he said. “Kids do cruel things because they learn their behavior from the adults around them. Do you still treat people that badly?”

  “No! I’ll never be that cruel again!” I cried.

  “Then let it go,” he said. “You’re not that person anymore, so stop torturing yourself as if you were.”

  “You sound like you know a lot about this kind of thing,” I observed as I looked up at him. Brian shrugged and looked out the window on the other side of the room; his eyes focused on some point far off in the distance.

  “Yeah, well, the military is kind of similar to your boarding school,” he said. “Only more brutal, I think.”

  “You’ve obviously never lived with high school girls,” I said with a grim grin.

  “No, that’s true, I never have,” he smiled a bit. “Maybe we should recruit them into the military as stealth fighters?”

  I laughed out loud at the thought of the privileged girls from my boarding school having to rough it in the Iraqi desert. The image of spoiled girls knee-deep in sand and denied their luxuries pushed my laughter into high gear, and soon I was shaking in Brian’s arms as I imagined the way they would respond to being told what to do or how to do it. Brian looked down at me with concern as my laughter morphed into tears, and then pulled me close and held me tightly as the pain leaked from my eyes.

  “You’re okay, Ava,” he whispered. “You’re going to be okay.”

  “You don’t know that,” I wept. “You really have no idea what Dominic is capable of. He’s evil, Brian. He’s really, truly evil.”

  Brian reached down and placed his fingers under my chin so he could tip my face up. With his thumb, he wiped the tears from my cheek and then bent down and lightly kissed the tip of my nose.

  “I promise that I will not let him ever hurt you,” he vowed in a solemn voice. “No one will ever hurt you again, Ava.”

  “Don’t make promises that you can’t keep,” I fiercely whispered.

  “I don’t ever make promises I can’t keep,” was his equally fierce reply.

  *****

  I stared up at him as I considered his promise. No one had ever promised anything like that, and I was torn between wanting to believe him and wanting to ensure that I wouldn’t be disappointed when he ultimately broke his promise. Despite his willingness to give me all the space I needed and to also be there when the space turned into a dangerous situation, I still didn’t fully trust him. If I was honest, I didn’t trust anyone; not even myself. I wanted to believe Brian when he said he’d keep me safe. I wanted to believe that he’d figure out a way to keep Dominic at bay. But most of all I wanted to believe that what we felt right here and now was real, and that I wasn’t the only one who felt it.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as he continued to stroke my cheek with his fingertips. “I can’t look away.”

  I closed my eyes and sighed as he spoke. I wanted to believe him, but good sense told me that it wasn’t possible for him to be that invested this quickly. I shook my head to clear out the negative thoughts as I felt Brian slipping his fingers into my hair and gently comb through my thick tresses as he bent forward to lightly kiss my forehead. There was something so soft and simple in his actions, and I melted a little as he slipped his hand around the back of my head and pulled me up toward him so that he could brush his lips across mine. He lightly flicked his tongue against my lower lip as he wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me tightly against his broad chest.

  “I can’t…” I whispered.

  “Can’t what?” he breathed into my lips as his fingers played with the loose strands of hair framing my face.

  “I can’t do this, Brian,” I almost moaned as he bent his head and left a trail of kisses across my neck before heading farther south.

  “Yes, you can, Ava,” he encouraged as he flicked the tops of my breasts with his tongue before slipping a hand under my T-shirt and running it up the side of my body. I shivered as I felt his fingers dipping into my bra and pinching my nipples into erect points that radiated electrical impulses straight to my clit. With one hand he reached around and unhooked my bra, and I moaned softly as he quickly pulled both it and my T-shirt up over my head before bending forward to capture one nipple between his lips.

  There was nothing hurried about the way he focused on licking and sucking first one nipple and then the other, and I tried to relax and enjoy the sensual collision of his desire and my need. I reached down and pulled up on the hem of his T-shirt, and he quickly pulled it off, exposing his broad, hairless chest, and I leaned forward to taste his skin. It was smooth and salty and I heard a low groan escape his lips as I left a reciprocal path of fire from one shoulder to the other.

  Brian grasped a fistful of my hair and pulled down so that I was forced to look up into his deep blue eyes before he crushed his lips against mine as we tried to release our desire into each other’s mouths. Our tongues probed between each other’s lips as they touched and tangled in a passionate dance that only served to heighten our need. I moaned as I forced my tongue between his lips, and
I grabbed one of his hands and tried to force it between my legs. He chuckled into my lips as he pulled his hand back and continued stroking my breasts.

  “Why not?” I asked in a raspy voice, full of desire.

  “Because I don’t think you want it enough,” he whispered into my chest before he returned to sucking one of my engorged nipples.

  “What in the hell does that mean?” I moaned. “How much more do I have to want it?”

  “A whole lot more,” he replied quietly. “I want you to beg for what you want. I want it to be the only thing you can think of; the only thing your mind can focus on.”

  “How do you know it isn’t already?” I asked in desperate voice.

  “Because you’re still talking to me,” he smiled as he returned to the task of torturing my breasts. I groaned as he sucked harder, and then let out a small scream as he lightly bit down on the skin surrounding my swollen nipple. It hurt, and yet the pain coursed through my body in waves of pleasure that I’d never felt before. I felt weak, so when Brian stood up and scooped me off of the couch and carried me to the bed, I was powerless to resist.

  He laid me gently on the mattress and set about removing the rest of my clothing before he sat back and let his eyes wander over my exposed body. He’d heightened my desire to such a level that I didn’t feel any shame or embarrassment as he sat staring at me before reaching out and touching my skin. He ran his fingers lightly down my body from my head to my toes and then back up again. The featherlike touch sent shivers up my spine, causing me to raise my hips to try and direct his fingers to touch the aching place between my thighs. What I wanted most was to feel him sink into the wet, velvety folds and stroke my inner walls with his strong, thick cock, but he resisted all of my attempts to find relief.

  Instead, he bent over me and lightly kissed my lips before he began to trail his tongue across the tops of my shoulders.

  It was agonizing the way he teased and then stopped to watch my face, and although I cried and begged him to take me, he made it clear that the rhythm and timing of his slow descent was his and his alone. He had lost himself in the pleasure of exploring my body and I was helpless to stop him. The stroking fingers, the light caress of his lips, the pain followed by pleasure all combined to drive me to the outer edges of my own desire, and by the time he’d descended to the cleft between my legs, I’d ceased to notice exactly where he was giving me pleasure, and when he slipped his fingers between my engorged lower lips and splayed them open so that he could dip his tongue into my wetness, I thought I would lose consciousness.

  “Oh God,” I groaned as my hips bucked upward of their own volition. “Oh God! Oh God, yes!”

  Brian moved his hands to the sides of my hips so that he could hold me down against the mattress, but his mouth stayed glued to the mound between my legs and his tongue never ceased its firm probing of the folds that were now so wet and engorged that I cried out for relief. He ran his tongue from top to bottom, stopping only to tease my swollen clit with firm, sweeping strokes before moving lower and probing the tight opening that was now dripping moisture onto the bed. There was no stopping him, so I buried my fingers in his hair and begged him not to stop as I drove my hips upward to meet his mouth.

  Soon he let go of one of my hips, and knitting three fingers of his right hand together, he began to work the knobby knot into my slick wet opening. I could feel his thick fingers pushing up inside me as he continued to bathe my clit with his tongue, and the sensation forced moan after moan from my lips. I heard myself saying things I’d never said to anyone before; begging and bargaining as I arched my back and thrust my hips up to meet his fingers, but he would withdraw and continue to keep me hanging on the edge of orgasm.

  “Brian! Brian! Please!” I pleaded in a voice hoarse from what felt like hours of begging. “I need to cum! I need it! I need it!”

  “You need it, do you?” he asked with a smile as he lifted his head and looked up at me. I was wild-eyed and desperate as I nodded frantically, my hips pulsing against his hand, my fingers still buried in his hair, and as he watched me desperately trying to satisfy the overwhelming need he’d created, he smiled. “I can see that you want it, but do you really need it?”

  His question pushed me over the edge, and I burst into frustrated tears as I cried, “Yes! Yes! Yes! I need it!” and as he watched me crying and begging for what I needed, Brian pressed down on my clit with the thumb of the hand he had nearly buried in my pussy, and I rocked against it.

  I didn’t even notice that he’d used his free hand to undo his jeans and pull out his completely swollen cock until he had pulled his fingers from me and positioned his shaft between my legs as he began pressing the tip into my opening. I was so wet that it didn’t take much for him to slide inside, and when I felt his cock filling me, I wrapped my arms tightly around him and arched my back to push my hips against his as I tried to drive him deeper.

  Brian reached underneath me and grabbed my ass as he slowly pulled his cock back so that only the tip was still inside me before he plunged back in, filling me with his rigid shaft. He did this a few times before he began to stroke my G-spot with the tip of his cock. I could feel him pulling back just enough to be able to quickly push back in over and over, making me moan and beg him for release. He smiled as he bent down and kissed my lips softly before thrusting up into me again.

  My arousal was so intense that I couldn’t catch my breath, and I gripped Brian’s upper arms as I tried to force him deeper and deeper. He smiled as he reached up and brushed stray tendrils of hair from my face before he covered my cheeks in soft kisses. I couldn’t stand the agony of waiting, and I heard myself begging him over and over to take me; to make me cum. For a moment, he stopped and looked deep into my eyes and waited for me to reach the edge with him. He watched me as I writhed beneath him, looking for relief in the pressure I felt as our bodies moved together.

  Brian slipped a hand between us, and as he began to increase the tempo of his thrusts, he also strummed out a beat on my engorged clit that dragged a low moan from my lips. I felt myself falling over the edge of orgasm only seconds before he groaned as he began to pulse deep inside me and fill me with his warm, thick cum. He collapsed on top of me, pressing his lips to mine as I bore the full weight of his body. It felt safe and warm, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him against me as we lay in silence.

  *****

  Before long, Brian rolled to one side and pulled me against him wrapping one arm across my body. He was warm and strong, and as I lay pressed against his chest, I could hear his heart beating steadily. There was something comforting and familiar about him, and as I lay in his arms, I drowsily drifted toward sleep.

  I didn’t know how much time had passed when I heard the ding of my phone letting me know that an email had been deposited in my inbox. I rolled over and peeked at the lighted screen to see that the message was a reminder that I was supposed to be at a meeting of the Campus Peace Activists the next morning. I was excited about the meeting because I’d been elected president the week before, after a long and contentious campaign. I wanted to share my excitement, so I rolled back over and looked up at Brian, who looked like he was napping.

  “What’s going on?” he asked without opening his eyes.

  “I’ve got a meeting I need to be at in the morning,” I replied.

  “Not another fraternity-related event, I hope,” he smiled, still not opening his eyes.

  “No, this is an early morning meeting and those don’t get going until well after sundown,” I deadpanned, then said, “I need to go to my CPA meeting across campus.”

  “I did not know you were an accountant,” he said.

  “I’m not, silly! It’s the Campus Peace Activist group, I’m the president and I need to be there,” I replied.

  “Campus Peace Activists?” he repeated as he opened one eye and looked at me.

  “Yes, we protest unjust wars, lobby our representatives, and basically oppose all acts of u
nprovoked violence against citizens of the world.” I proudly recited the mission statement that we’d spent weeks hammering out. We had come together with a common purpose, but it had taken a long time for us to develop a common vision for the organization, and the mission statement was representative of our willingness to work together toward a common goal.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Brian blurted as he pushed himself into a sitting position and gave me a hard stare.

  “I’m not,” I said. “Why? Do you have a problem with it?”

  “A problem with it?” he repeated, before a bitter laugh escaped his lips. “Do I have a problem with it? Oh good one, lady!”

  “Brian, what’s wrong?”

  “Not a thing,” he replied in a sullen tone as he climbed out of bed and turned to look at me. “There is absolutely nothing wrong.”

  “Brian!” I protested. “Why are you being so difficult?”

  “I don’t believe I’m the one who is so damn difficult, Ava,” he was obviously angry with me, but I had no idea why.

  “Brian, please tell me what’s going on,” I begged. “Why are you so upset?”

  He grabbed his clothing off of the floor and began pulling on his pants as he watched me in his peripheral vision. He said nothing, but I could tell that he was holding something back just by the jerky way he pulled on his shirt and then stood staring at me through narrowed eyes. After a long silence, he took a deep breath and said, “Look, I’m going to sleep over on the couch, so unless you need me to do something to physically protect you from harm, I’d prefer that you leave me the hell alone. Got it?”

  I was angry and confused by his sudden shift in tone, and I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes as I nodded and then watched him walk across the room toward the sofa. I stifled the urge to offer him a blanket. If he was going to be an ass to me, then he could figure out how to stay warm all by his own big self.