by Amanda Munoz
JAVIER: You will be
I don’t know what to text him back with so I don’t text back at all but that doesn’t stop me from staring at my phone practically all day hoping to see his name pop up on my screen again. I have a hard time concentrating at work but it’s not just because I’m thinking of Javier. It’s because I really, truly can’t stand my job. I look around to see if anyone is lurking about and when I don’t see anyone I type “JOBS” into the search engine. I spend the next hour looking at open positions in my area and I see some that interest me but are so different than what I do now, I immediately dismiss them. I doubt that someone with no experience would even be a qualified candidate and I don’t want to waste my time. After a while I grow restless. I don’t want to be here. I contemplate saying I’m sick and going home but in the 7 years I’ve worked here I have NEVER left work sick. I click on my HR page and see the amount of hours of sick time I have just sitting there. I have a ton of vacation hours too. I’ve already maxed out on that and stopped accruing vacation time. Use it or lose they say.
I think about how Javier said I should take a vacation. I’m thinking he’s probably right. I have more than enough time available at work to take one. I live frugally and save every extra penny I make so money wouldn’t be a problem. But I also can’t see dipping into my savings unless it’s really important and a vacation really isn’t that important. There are so many unexpected things that come up in life. Plus, whatever I put away can supplement my income when I retire. Oh my God, I’m boring myself. This is why I’m so unhappy all the time. This is what I do. Try to be logical, try to think things through. I only get one life.
I let out an exasperated sigh and then search “VACATIONS”. I spend a half hour or so looking at tourist destinations across the world and the more I look the more I’m talking myself into actually doing it. Greece looks incredible, or I could go somewhere tropical like the Bahamas or Hawaii. Or Venice. Oh Venice looks amazing it’s not tropical but it’s so beautiful. I decide that will be my homework over the next few days. Without another thought I close all my programs and shut down my computer. I grab my stuff and head to my boss’s office. He looks up surprised to see me and instantly his face becomes worrisome.
“Abigail, are you ok?” His voice is laced with concern and I feel kind of bad that I’m going to lie to him. I mean not bad enough to not do it though. My mind is made up.
“I’m not feeling so well. If it’s ok with you I’m going to head home and try to sleep this off.” I lay my head against the door frame to his office and put a hand on my stomach, I realize I’ve gotten really into this performance.
“Of course Abigail. Take as much time as you need. I hope you feel better.” He really is a nice guy.
“Thanks.” I say and then walk out of my office building.
Now that I’m out of there I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to go home. I drive back to the plaza where my favorite coffee shop is and decide I’m going to stroll around. I enjoyed walking here yesterday and it really is a lovely area to explore. I stop at the little shop that sells handmade soap and splurge a little on bath salts, soaps and bubble baths. Lilac, freesia, cucumber, wild berries scents and a few more that smelled divine. Lilac is by far my favorite scent and my favorite flower. I buy more than I need and realize I probably don’t have to return for another year. I walk past a shop that has scarves, and purses and jewelry in the window and decide to take a look. I never wear bright colors, I’m more of a bohemian, neutral type but I’m drawn to the bright beautiful colors here. The purples, pinks, yellows and blues are beautiful and to my surprise I find two colorful scarves that the sales lady said made my eyes “pop”. I’m sure she says that to everyone but it made me feel good none the less. I also find these beautiful hoop earrings encrusted with bright gem stones. I look at them for a long while and contemplate if I could even wear them. I have small studs in my ears now but these hoops are big and probably heavy. I finally decide to try something new and I buy them and the scarves.
I see the book store Javier said he likes and decide to take a look. The old lady that works there is sweet and she tells me about all the new best sellers. I love to read and this store is amazing, I can’t believe I’ve never been in here before. I decide on a book and as I go to pay I notice a box that says donations on it. It’s filled with a bunch of books some new, some used and I wonder if she actually sells books that are donated to her. She must see the question in my eyes and she explains to me what they are.
“Some people have a hard time getting rid of books. I know I do. Any who, when people finally decide their collections needs to be downsized they bring them here. Once the box is full I donate them to the hospital. They have a library there. For patients, for family waiting for patients. A great book can be a great escape. Sometimes, we all need to escape for a while.” I nod completely understanding what she means. “I’ve been meaning to drop it off but that box is just too heavy for an old lady. I got to get someone to help me.”
“I can take it.” I offer. I didn’t realize the hospital had a library and I have a tons of books I can add to the donation box too. “I have some books at home I can donate too.” I have nothing else to do today and I wouldn’t mind doing something nice for others. It feels good.
“Oh honey! Would you?” She claps her hands together enthusiastically and smiles graciously at me.
“Sure. I’d love to” I smile back. I leave the shop to bring my car back here because it’s far too heavy to walk back holding it. I pull out back of the little shop and I put the box in the back of my car. She tells me where to go on the 1st floor of the hospital building and I leave the book store and make a pit stop at home.
I find about a dozen more books that I’m willing to part with and add them to the box of donations. The hospital is only a few minutes from my home and I’m lucky to find a close parking. The box is ridiculously heavy and I make it to the volunteer and administration office just before I’m about to drop it.
The woman brings a cart around and we load up the books. I notice that there’s a sign posted with volunteer opportunities being available and I have more than enough spare time to donate to volunteer. I remember my dad volunteered as a teenager and that’s how he developed his passion for medicine. I ask the woman for a form to complete and she tells me that they have volunteers that actually read to the patients. I think that’s the perfect job for me so I complete the form right there and then. I have nowhere else to be and I ask her how soon I can start. She asks for a copy of my driver’s license and says that they have to do a background check first, the usual turnaround time is about 48 hours but she would call me back as soon as possible. She could see that I was little disappointed to have to wait and so she tells me that if I really want to give my time that the animal shelter is in desperate need of volunteers and I wouldn’t have to wait for a background check.
I leave the hospital feeling a sense of pride. A feeling of accomplishment. It’s amazing how doing something for someone else can make you feel so much better about yourself. I run home and grab a sandwich and then change my clothes. I decide I’m going to head to the animal shelter and see if there is anything I can do to help. The day is still so early and I feel like this is the best way to spend it.
The guy at the animal shelter looks totally excited to show me around. He talks so fast I’m having a hard time keeping up. He tells me they are a no-kill shelter and that makes me really happy to hear. He said the staff maintains the cleanliness of the kennels, food and water, and vets on site keep the animals healthy but they have so many animals and not nearly enough staff to spend time with the animals and walk them every day like they would like. I spend the next three hours playing and petting them. Some of them seem so starved for attention it breaks my heart. I wish I could take them all but I know that’s not possible. I sit on the floor with three puppies in my lap and an older lab laying his head on my leg that that will probably never get adopted because of his age and I see h
ow just a little attention means so much to them. I give them each another round of love before I head out. I make a vow to come back as often as I can. Not just people have feelings, animals do to and they deserve love and affection just like anyone else.
It’s getting later and I’m a little wiped out from running around with the dogs at the shelter, but before I head home there’s one more thing I want to do.
~·~·~·~·~
I stand at the edge of the embankment and look down. It looks so steep but I did it once and I’m sure I can do it again. I’m hesitant and begin to wonder if this was a bad idea. It was easier when I had Javier to hold on to. What if I fall and get injured? No one knows where I am, they will never find me out here. I think I remember where the meadow is but if I get lost out there it will be dark in just a couple hours and I might not be able to find my way back. There’s a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t do this right now and I’m trying hard to talk myself out of it. But there are so many reasons why I should do it.
I make up my mind to at least try. If I can make down and over those rocks it would be such a huge accomplishment for me. And to be able to do it by myself would be so great for my self-confidence. I take another tentative step and my foot slightly slips on the loose dirt. I steady myself and take a deep breath. I take another step at a slightly different angel and it feels much steadier. I take another, and then another and eventually make my way down to the bottom. I take a deep breath and look back behind me. It was steep but I did it. The hardest part is in front of me. The water seems slightly higher than it was yesterday. It’s flowing quickly and it’s noticeably stronger. I look at the rocks and tell myself that it’s just a few feet. It’s not very far. The water isn’t that deep and if anything I could technically just wade through it. The current isn’t strong enough to pull me out when I’m only into it to about my knees. I take a long deep breath and then step onto the first rock. It’s slippery and the rock wobbles a little. I don’t remember it doing that before but I think its sturdy enough to hold my weight. I take two more steps and I’m about halfway when I start thinking this was a really stupid idea. I look back and see that I am literally half way there. Going back would be no difference in distance then going forward. I take another step and then another and then I leap onto the other side. I made it.
I find the meadow easily and spend about an hour there. It’s alluring and beautiful. It’s filled with wildflowers and lilacs my favorite. I feel so much peace here and I really do think this place is magical. I’m grateful he decided to share his favorite place with me. It’s just become my favorite place too.
Once home I eat dinner and take hot bath with my new bath salts and soap and then after about an hour of reading I crawl in bed. I have had an amazing day. I feel good. I want to feel like this every day. Javier was right, I do control my own happiness.
I grab my phone and send out a quick message.
ME: I took control of my own happiness today. Can’t wait to tell you all about it.
JAVIER: J Can’t wait to hear about it. Sweet dreams Aby
ME: Good night Javier
JAVIER
LIPS
8.
I think about her all damn day. I can’t stop. I can’t get her out of my head. I close my eyes and see her beautiful, gray ones. I still feel her lips. Shit. I think I’m already in too deep. What was I thinking? Oh, that’s right, I wasn’t.
Breaking and Entering
9.
Wednesday comes quickly and I’m so glad it did. I really wanted to call in yesterday and ditch work again but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. That is so incredibly irresponsible and as much as I wanted to I didn’t. Surprisingly the day went quickly mostly because I had to play catch up from the day before. I didn’t hear from Javier at all yesterday and now I’m beginning to wonder if we are still on for sushi tonight or not. I keep looking at my phone but I’m just disappointed every time. I think about calling him or texting him but I don’t. If he wants to talk to me or see me he has my number. I don’t want to come off as desperate. Now that it’s Wednesday it feels like time has just come to a standstill. I’ve been watching the clock all morning. I’m only halfway through my work day but I already feel like I’ve worked a 12 hour shift. My stomach is in knots I’m nervous and I can’t help but think it’s because I haven’t spoken to Javier. Part of my thinks that I may never talk to him again.
The rest of the afternoon goes just ask slowly as my morning did. I leave the office a little after five and I still haven’t heard a peep from Javier. I feel a pang of sadness. I’m so disappointed, I was really excited about tonight. I get in my car and start heading home but halfway there I decide to go to the shelter instead. They close at seven and maybe I can distract myself for the next hour or so that way I don’t have to be home alone. I already know I’ll think about a million different reasons why I haven’t heard from him. Why I’m not good enough. Why he doesn’t want me. It was too good to be true anyway. I’m so glad he didn’t come up to my room.
The same guy is working at the shelter that I met on Monday. He tells me to go on a head and so I decide to take a few of the dogs out for a walk around the shelter. A few minutes into my walk my phone rings. My heart starts beating erratically before I even check to see who it is. As soon as I pull my phone out of my pocket I see his name flash on the screen.
“Hello.” I’m nervous, I can hear it in my own voice I just hope he doesn’t hear it.
“Hey Aby. Um, I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier. Listen, I’m really tired and-“
I don’t let him finish. I don’t want to hear it. Tears sting the back of my eyes. I won’t let them fall. I will not cry over him. One day. That’s all we spent together, one day. But why does it hurt so much.
“Hey, I’m pretty busy right now. So-” One of the dogs starts barking uncontrollably and I can’t even hear myself think anymore.
“Where are you?” he asks just as the dog finally quiets down.
I’m not sure why I even answer him, but I tell him, “I’m at the shelter. I’m volunteering. The dogs are starving for affection, I’m just sharing a little bit of my time with them.”
The other end of the line is quiet. I pull my phone away to look at the screen. He’s still on the line, call didn’t drop but he hasn’t said anything.
“Hello?” I ask.
“Yeah, yeah sorry. So anyway, I was just going to say I’m tired and I don’t really want to go out but maybe we can order in?” He surprises me. I was so sure he was about to cancel on me. Maybe I jumped to conclusions too quickly.
“Oh. Okay. Yeah. Sure, we can do that.” I’m so nervous again. He says he will send me a text with his address and asks what I would like to eat. I tell him to surprise me. Last time I took his advice my dinner was delicious. I tell him that I’m going to be at the shelter for another 45 minutes and then I will go home to shower real quickly. I plan to meet him at 8:00pm.
“Great. Can’t wait to see you.” I smile into the phone and then disconnect the line.
~*~*~*~*~
I arrive at Javier’s house early. Too early. Women are supposed to arrive fashionably late and it’s only a quarter ‘til 8. I can’t go up yet. I can’t park either because I’m afraid he will look out his window and see me sitting here like a stalker. I decide to keep driving. I circle his block like a thousand time and finally decide to just park down the street and wait until a little after eight before I knock on his door. I’m tense and on edge. I don’t know what to expect tonight. I spent my entire time at the shelter walking the dogs in circles as I fussed over what I should wear tonight and how I should do my hair. I decide not to make such a big deal out of it I didn’t expect to meet him Sunday and I didn’t scare him off with my looks then. Whatever I decide on it can’t be worse than that.
When I got home I threw my hair up and hopped in the shower. I finally decided on an off-white long sleeve sweater, black, skinny jeans and brown boots. I let my hair down and
try to tame it a bit but it was a mess. I should have washed it and started fresh, but it was too late so I pulled it back in to a high, messy bun. I don’t usually wear it like that but I see other girls pull it off all the time, so why can’t I. I looked myself over in the mirror and decided I could use a little color so I put on a light layer of blush and some mascara and of course my favorite lip gloss and got ready to head out the door. As I turned around the new scarves I hung by my closet caught my eye so I decide to put one on. It’s got swirls of turquoise, corals and pinks and it looks really good with this outfit. I remembered the earrings I bought and put them on too. The girl in the mirror doesn’t even look like me. It’s crazy how such simple accents and a pop of color make a difference. I still look pretty causal and I hope I don’t look like I’m trying too hard.
Its 8:11 and I finally decide it’s time. I drive up the block and park in front of Javier’s building. I get out and immediately get hit with a wave of nerves. I’m so nervous my stomach hurts and I seriously think about bailing. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. I barely know him, yet I agreed to meet him at his home already. I didn’t even think about the fact that he really could be a psycho and I’m about to willing go into his house. Oh, I think I’m going to be sick. I take a step back and lean against the hood of my car. I’m trying to work up the nerve to keep walking but now I’m rethinking this whole thing through. I should have rescheduled until he felt good enough to go out again. We should have met in a public place. I need to go home. I move off the hood of my car and am about to run around to the driver side when I look up and see Javier standing in the doorway of the building.
He’s standing against the door frame with his arms crossed. He’s wearing a black tee-shirt and dark jeans. He’s barefoot and I have never thought bare feet were sexy before but he looks incredible.