by Amanda Munoz
I look up as Ivan enters the room and then I look away and back out the window just as I have been doing for days.
“Get up and take a shower.” He says it so gruffly like a command and I’m just not in the mood.
“I don’t feel like it. And don’t tell me what to do.” I tell him just as curtly as he had spoken to me.
He lifts my feet from the bed and throws them off then reaches for my arm yanking me up. He pulls my arm…hard…and I yank it back and jump of the bed.
“Don’t you touch me!” I scream in his face. Javier’s mom comes into view in the door way but I don’t bother to look at her. I stand arms crossed over my chest defiantly and pissed off that he would talk to me that way let alone put his hands on me.
“You think you are the only one hurting? Life goes on Aby. Get in the shower and come out to eat and help do something. Everyone is helping and you just sit on your ass all day.”
“Screw you!” I don’t know why I did it but I slap him across the face as hard as I can. And then shove him and shove him again. And before I know it I’m hitting him and pushing him and screaming and crying and I can’t even see him through my tears anymore. My hairs in my face, wild and a mess. I scream at the top of my lungs, I want to yank my hair out and punch a wall. Anything to just feel better. And I keep pounding on him and screaming until I can’t lift my arms anymore, until my legs can’t hold my weight anymore and I fall to the ground and sob hysterically. “Please…please...please… I need him. Oh God….please…. I need him.”
I don’t know when Ivan left the room or when Marissa sits on the floor next to me, but I lay there for what feels like forever and cry and she sits with me and rubs my head and sings softly, just like Javier used to do.
The house was full of people earlier and I wonder how many of them witnessed me lose my mind. I wonder if they are still here. And then I realize I don’t really care very much right now anyway. After a while Javier’s moms gets up and leaves the room for a while. She comes back in and then exists again I watch her come and go but never bother to ask what she is doing.
“I filled the tub for you. Please, it will relax you. I want to show you something.” I don’t want to fight with her and I don’t want to get up either, but I guess I could use a bath. I haven’t left the room for anything other than to pee in four days.
I follow her into the bathroom and see the tub filled with steaming water. A fresh towel is hung up for me and a pair of my pajamas sit on the counter. That must be what she came into the room for. On the edge of the tub sits a couple bottles and a small jar. Bubble bath, shower gel and bath salts. Lilac scented. Javier….
“A lady in town makes these, Javier said he had to get you some. He forgot while you both were here but he called me. I was going to send them to you.”
I sit on the edge of the tub and open the bottle. The soft, floral scent is comforting and smells so good.
“You will feel better.” She says as she walks out of the room and shuts the door behind her.
I’m in the bath until the water runs cold and she is right, it does make me feel better. I think about Javier and all of the showers we shared, how he laughed at me when I told him how much I loved bath salts. We have so many great memories I never want to forget any of them and I pray that I won’t.
The house is still full of people when I leave the bathroom and I’m instantly embarrassed for my behavior earlier. I guess I do care after all. I came out to the kitchen to apologize to both Marissa and Ivan but now that all of these people are staring at me I just want to crawl back in bed. But I realize, I probably owe all of them an apology too.
My eyes well with tears before I even open my mouth, “I’m sorry.” I address everyone and turn to Javier’s mom, “Marissa, I’m sorry.” she nods and smiles sweetly at me. She doesn’t seem the type to ever stay angry long. Ivan is at the dining table eating a bowl of soup and totally ignoring me.
“Ivan?” He finally looks up. “I’m so sorry.” I sum up all my courage to look him in the eyes when I apologize. It’s not so much saying sorry that’s hard for me, its dealing with the shame of my behavior that I struggle with.
He scoots the chair back and it makes this loud scraping noise against the floor that startles me, he throws his napkin down on the table and stands I prepare for him to be angry, “Javier told me you would attack me.” He says laughing. Everyone laughs with him. But I look at him confused.
“What?” I ask him not understanding.
“He said you were probably going to be a mess. Well, he didn’t use the word mess but anyway, that we would have to push you to get up. I said I can do that, no problem. And he said, 'I can see that already, she’s going to attack you. Tread lightly brother' damn was he was right. You’re a feisty one.”
“You guys talked about this?” It seems he talked to everyone but me and that hurts me.
"We talked about you. He always talked about you." he said as he took his chair and sat back down.
“He was protecting you. He loved you very much.” Javier’s mom said from behind me. “And he would want you to eat.” I guess Javier was right...as always and what Ivan did worked. Because Marissa held out a bowl of soup for me for probably the tenth time that day, but this time I took it.
~*~*~*~*~
The services were beautiful and even repeated in English specifically for me. Apparently Javier said they had to do that since he didn’t have the chance to teach me Spanish. I decided that I’m going to learn anyway and someday I’m going to come back here and finish our trip.
There were so many people there and I loved that they came out to show their support, to show their love for this amazing man. I feel blessed having had him in my life no matter how brief. He was an incredible person and had an impact on so many people’s lives as evident in the sheer amount of people in attendance. His legacy will live on forever. He made his mark and what an incredible journey he had.
I want to speak at his services but I just can’t do it. I won’t be able to get through it. I wrote him a letter and got the chance to put it inside his casket. I read it out loud when I wrote it and I hope he got to hear it. I meant every word… from the bottom of my heart.
I leave Ecuador a couple days after the service which turned out to be just a couple days after our original departure date. The flight is even longer then I remembered and it’s because this time I’m alone. I hate being by myself, it gives me all this free time to think and there is really only one thing I ever think about these days. When I get back it's going to be ten times harder. I tell myself that I'm going to have to try and stay busy. Maybe I will try to resurrect my garden or put some extra volunteer hours at the shelter or hospital. Then again, the library at the hospital is going to be hard for me. Javier went with me a lot I don't know if I can go back without him. I cry for most of the flight thinking about him. I can’t believe I still have tears left. They are never-ending, much like the pain in my heart.
Ivan said he contacted a friend of Javier’s to clean out his apartment. It surprised me how quickly he did that but apparently this friend already knew what he had to do because, much like everyone else, Javier had already talked to him about this stuff. I was once again left out of the loop. I didn’t say anything to Ivan, but I was really disappointed that he had done this. Or rather, disappointed in Javier, I wouldn’t get the chance to see his place one last time, to take something, anything to remind me of him. I was left with nothing. I wish I could have just walked through one last time.
I finally arrive at home and my apartment feels cold and lonely and I don’t want to be here. The last few weeks I had spent the night at Javier’s just about every single night. It feels weird to be here and even worse to be here alone. I’m scheduled to go back to work tomorrow. Based on our original plan, I gave myself a couple days to rest and get back in the swing of things before returning but since I came back later than originally scheduled I’m already supposed to go back. With everything I have
been through in the last couple of weeks there is no way I can go back tomorrow. I just can’t and more than that, I just don’t want to.
I’m restless and pace back and forth and then alternate between laying on my couch and pacing again and the time feels like it’s hardly moving. I walk to my back door and pull back the curtains. The sad little garden I worked so hard on is a poor excuse for a garden. Over three weeks without being watered I guess, that’s bound to happen. I literally have nothing left to remind me of Javier except for the bath set his mom gave me, but even then he wasn’t the one who bought it. I close my curtains and go back to the couch to wallow and cry and lay there thinking crazy things.
~*~*~*~*~
I’m startled when there is a knock at my door. No one ever comes over... except Javier. I don’t recognize the guy on the other side of my door and I watch him through the peephole for a while without saying anything.
“Can I help you?” I ask alarmed.
“Yeah, Aby, I’m Chris, Javier’s friend. I cleaned his apartment. Ivan said you should be-” I don’t let him finish I open the door quickly scaring him.
“Hey.” I say and immediately notice the box in his hand and a bag near his feet.
“Hi.” He lifts the box up slightly, “I have some stuff for you.” I’m ecstatic.
“Come in.” I say enthusiastically. I hold the door open for him and he grabs the bag at his feet and steps inside. He goes straight to my dining room table and sets down the box. He puts his hand out for me to shake in greeting.
“Nice to meet you.” I tell him shaking his hand and smiling at him.
“I wish I could have met you before but he didn’t want to share you.” He jokes. “So…” he opens the box and I’m so anxious to see what’s inside. It could be one of his socks, I don’t care I just need something.
“This looks like some pretty random stuff but he wanted you to have it. This is for you too.” He hands me a folded piece of paper with Javier’s handwriting scrawled on it. I can’t wait to read it.
“And there’s a bunch of envelopes in there with your name on it. He didn’t tell me about those, I don’t think they were there before but I figured they are sealed and addressed to you so…yeah.”
“Thank you so much.” I want him to leave now. I want to look at the box and read this letter and look in the envelopes.
“Okay, well I’m out of here then." He lowers his head in a curt nod and starts walking towards the door.
"Hey, Aby, I hope you know how much he loved you. I have never seen him like that. You made him really happy." I smile weakly at him and shut and lock the door behind him.
Muñeca,
I put some stuff in the box I thought you might like. If you don’t want it that's ok, toss it or give it away, doesn’t matter. It’s just some stuff I picked up or kept along the way. Whatever you decide you want, keep it until you don’t need it anymore and then promise me you will get rid of it. Don’t hold on to it for too long.
I’m sorry I'm not here for you. I wish I could stay with you forever. Forever probably isn’t even long enough. You are such an amazing woman and by far the best thing that's ever happened to me. Be strong and brave and live life to the fullest. You only get one.
I love you with all of my heart, more then you will ever know, more than I could ever tell you. I hope I showed you. Remember you made a promise to me. Please keep your promise.
I will love you always,
Javier
Charm
32.
The promise I made to Javier was long after this letter could have been written and I wonder why he waited so long to make me promise it. I wonder how he knew when the timing would be right. Or whether or not I'd even make the promise. I wonder if he knew he would never make it home. I have so many questions and no answers and it kills me.
Inside the box was a drone with led lights on it, a couple of his favorite books. A shirt of his I slept in all of the time, a hand written recipe for that famous Ecuadorian meal I loved so much, and two small boxes I haven’t opened yet. Each of these things have special meaning to me and I love that he left them for me.
I sit at the table looking down at the boxes wondering what could possibly be in them. Without any further hesitation I open the first box. Inside sits a shiny, metal key with a small purple bow. I take the key out of the box to study it as I have no clue what this could possibly open. Under the key sits a small folded piece of paper.
County hospital. Ask for Rita. I love you.
First thing in the morning I’m going straight over there and asking for Rita. I’m anxious and excited and for the first time in a couple weeks I’m happy. I’m happy he thought of me…I should have known better, of course he thought of me. He always did.
I grab the next box and quickly open it too. Inside sits a beautiful charm bracelet…the same one we seen the very first day we met…on it, is one single charm. A small, delicate red heart. My eyes water when I see it; touched that he remembered from that day so long ago. I put it on right away. After a few moments playing with the lonely charm I reach for the small paper bag that Chris said was filled with envelopes. There’s a stack of about 7 envelopes all sealed with a different message written on each.
I look at each of the envelopes and the first one on the stack reads, “OPEN NOW.” I tear it open and find a handmade card inside. The cover is a drawing of me…asleep. The details in my features are incredible, Javier drew this. I try to think of when he must have done this but there were so many nights I slept over that it could be any of them. I trace the details with my fingertips. I open the card and a small black and white infinity charm falls out onto the table.
I found my muse. I watched you sleep so many nights, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in all my life.
I thought about writing you a million letters so you would have one to open up every day of your life but eventually, you will have to let me go. I know you are hurting and I’m sorry I caused you that pain. You will heal, and you will live an extraordinary life because you are an extraordinary person.
You loved the bracelet, I saw it in your eyes. I bought it for you just a few days later and held onto it for the perfect time. I guess now is as good a time as ever. The charm with the heart is self-explanatory, you own mine. The infinity symbol represents forever, because that’s how long you will have it.
Now, let’s play a little game…
The rules are simple, each envelope presents a challenge I wrote it on the front. You complete the challenge and you get to open the envelope. No cheating. I’m watching you.
I love you. You own my heart Aby. Always and forever and even after that.
Javier
I smile as I read his words and swipe at the few tears that fall. He owns my heart too, I hope he knew that. The next envelope in the stack reads, “STAND UP FOR YOURSELF”. I’m not sure if they are supposed to be completed in order so I skip ahead to the last one; it’s bulkier than the others. I read the front, “FALL IN LOVE”. Suddenly, I don’t really like this game. I know he’s watching but I tear it open anyway. A small, black velvet bag is stuffed inside. The drawing on the front is just a simple heart and inside the message is short.
Aby, I’m so happy for you. You deserve someone to worship the ground you walk on. You deserve love, unconditional and unwavering. I’m glad that you found it. Put the bracelet away, you don’t need it anymore. Maybe you can start a new one and share it with the man you love.
Always and forever and even after that,
Javier.
I lay the envelope back down and walk away from the table. I think about just opening them all up and seeing what’s inside. I sit on the couch and look out at my small, sorry excuse for a garden and think about Javier’s intention with the envelopes. He has never done anything to hurt me and I know that all he was trying to do was help me to get through his loss. I don’t know why I can’t follow directions. I should have played the game like he wanted. I want to see
what’s inside, I want to admire his drawings and I want to hear his voice in my mind as I read his words. It’s late and I’m tired so I decide to go to sleep. Tomorrow when I wake up I will think about his first challenge; I want to open that envelope and play by his rules. I don’t feel so sad right now. I feel him here... with me.
Library
33.
My alarm is ridiculously loud and I think about how nice it was to not have to hear it every morning. I'm supposed to go back to work today and although last night I refused to go I set my alarm anyway just in case I lost my nerve this morning. But today, my disdain for work is greater than yesterday.
Challenge 1: Stand up for yourself. So that's what I’m going to do. I reach for my phone and dial my work number. My heart starts racing and I'm filled with anxiety as soon as I hear the first ring.
"Hey, it's Aby." I tell my boss as soon as he picks up.
"Who?" he asks sounding confused.
"Abigail." I say already irritated. "Look, I can’t come in today. My vacation-"
"Is over. And you are scheduled to come in today." he interrupts.
I was about to tell him about Javier, about how our vacation was cut short and wasn’t really a vacation after all but he rudely dismisses me and cuts me off. I wanted to tell him I was going to take the week off and come in on Monday and that I wanted to discuss a change in my work flow or possibly an interoffice position change but I’m irate that he would be so disrespectful.