by Amanda Munoz
“Come on.” He says and puts his hand out for me to take. I don’t immediately move but finally I grab his hand and he helps me up. “I’m sorry I scared you.” He says.
His eyes are glossy with what looks like unshed tears. I’ve seen him cry before back when he told me he was sick but usually it’s just me and everyone else around him crying as he stands there like a rock.
“Are you feeling any better?” I ask him trying to shake this awful feeling now that I can see and feel that he is okay.
“Yes, muñeca.” He kisses me tenderly. And walks me towards the table.
“I’m really not even hungry anymore.” He moves the chair from across me to sit right next to me. He pulls my hand into his lap and laces his fingers with mine. He looks serious, it’s that look again. And that awful feeling comes back full force.
He looks at me intently seeming to gather his words. He looks deep in thought. Finally he speaks, “I’m not going to lie to you muñeca, I feel like-" he takes a deep breath and a tear falls. It breaks my heart. I want to take away his pain. “Like maybe I’m not going to wake up sometimes. Most days I want to stay in bed and never get up.” His breathing becomes more ragged and he’s struggling with his words.
“But I get up for you.” He wipes his eyes and then mine. Catching the tears that fall rapidly. I’m afraid for him to keep talking. Afraid to hear what he has to say.
“I don’t want to leave you.” His voice breaks as he speaks those words, more tears fall, and his chest shakes with silent sobs. Yet here he is trying to comfort me. I wrap my arms around him and try my best to comfort him like he does me, I sing to him softly. I want to soothe him, to calm him like he does for me so well.
“I wanted to claim you. I was angry. I’m angry that I’m sick, I’m angry that I’m going to lose you. I’m angry that I’m going to hurt you. That I have hurt you. I took out all my frustration on you and I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about baby?” I ask him; he is always so good to me. A little spat here and there but it’s nothing. It’s normal.
“Last night. I got rough with you. I’m sorry.” He looks away from me and his whole body radiates this sense of defeat. His posture, his eyes, everything so defeated. “Another man will have you someday...I’m angry about that too.”
“Javier, no.” I don’t want him talking like that, thinking like that. It’s the furthest thing from my mind. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else.
“Yes, Aby.” He looks back with a seriousness in his features that I can’t ignore. “Promise me.”
“What promise you that I’ll be with another man? What? What are you asking me?" I don’t understand. Promise what?
“Promise me that you will be okay Aby.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead tenderly. “And that you will live, and fall in love. And that someday you will have a family and… And you will let me go.” I don’t answer him. I can’t. I can’t speak through my sobs. He’s letting me go. He is saying good-bye. I’m not ready to say good-bye.
Javier
Hold on
28.
The best and worse decision I have ever made in my life was taking Aby to the meadow that day. I can’t imagine my life without her yet all I can think about is how much my heart hurts because she is in it. I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I’d be gone already if I wasn’t trying so hard to hold on. Maybe she is ready. Or maybe I am. The pain I feel in my heart is so much worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. I hate that I make her feel this type of pain too. I don’t know how much I have helped her. I think maybe all I have done is hurt her. I remember that day on the beach, she spoke those words with such conviction. She will be okay without me. I know she will. I hate to leave her like this. Not here, not now, but I don’t think it’s up to me anymore.
Let you go
29.
He won’t wake up. His eyes flutter open and then close. His breathing sounds so labored and I can hear a rattle in his chest and throat. I’ve tried everything to wake him. I don’t know what to do. A couple times he has moved his mouth and sound comes out but I don’t know what he is saying, I’m not sure he is saying anything at all. In just a matter of hours, from last night to this morning he’s completely deteriorated. His skin is pail, and his body limp.
I call the front desk and the girl I met yesterday answers. I tell her what’s going on and ask them if they can send a doctor. She say it will take about 15 minutes or that they can get him transported to a hospital but it can take just as long or longer. There are only two hospitals on the island. I decide to wait and it’s the longest 15 minutes of my life. He has a fever and I keep exchanging a cool wash cloth for a new one every few minutes to try and cool him down. I don’t know if a fever is normal or not I just want someone to come help him. I try to stay calm. I try to sing to him, but I can barely get the words out. I crawl into bed next to him and hold on to him trying to comfort both him and myself. His hand moves slightly towards me then falls limply on his stomach. I really think he was trying to touch me. Knowing him, he was trying to comfort me. I remember when my dad was sick. All of the emotions and memories from that day are coming back. I’m reliving it all over again. They said he could hear me so I would talk to him knowing he wouldn’t respond. So that’s what I decide to do with Javier. I decide to talk to him, let him know I’m here.
“Hey baby, it’s okay. I’m here, okay.” I struggle to get the words out, my voice breaks with every other word. My throat hurts and my eyes sting, my heart constricts painfully. This is the worse pain ever imaginable.
“It’s so beautiful outside, the weather is perfect…the water so blue…open your eyes…please…please… Javier.” I can’t do this. I can’t watch him like this. I want him to wake up. I want to see his beautiful, brown eyes. I want him to hold me. I want him to say he loves me. I would do anything to hear his voice. Please. Please. Please.
I jump at the sound of a knock on the door and open it to the Dr. on staff. He’s an older man with graying hair, fit and tall. I yank his arm and pull him inside. He leans over Javier and takes his vitals. My heart is pounding out of control. It feels like it will leap right out of my chest. He listens to his heart and his lungs. He takes his pulse and blood pressure. He is taking forever, not saying a word. I’m growing impatient. Please help him already.
“He should be on hospice care not a vacation.” He glances back at me from the corner of his eye as he listens for a second time to Javier’s lungs. He pisses me off how dare he judge.
“Just do your job!” I spit angrily. My voice is laced with venom. How dare he lecture me? That’s not his place.
“There is nothing for me to do. I can make him comfortable with meds but you should get him to the hospital at least. They can monitor him around the clock there. But he can’t travel far like this. You are going to need to stay locally until he passes.”
Until he passes. Until he passes. Until he passes. It’s all I hear. Over and over again. Until he passes. He says it like it’s nothing. He says it like he’s nobody. He says it so casually. I feel the hole in my heart, literally it’s excruciating. I want my Javier. I want him back. Please don’t take him from me. Please, please let him stay. I fall to my knees in agony, my mind clouded and hazy, I can’t think clearly, can’t catch my breath, I feel like I’m dying too. The pain is unbearable.
“Come on. Abigail? Abigail? He’s ready to be transported. You can ride with him.” The light is bright, my head pounds, the distorted voices begin to clear, and the hazy shapes take form. I turn to the voice and it’s her, the girl from the front desk. She is kneeling next to me, concern etched in her features, eyes glossy.
“He is on the stretcher now Abigail. They need to move him. You can go with him.” I look away from her and see the men standing in their pale, blue uniforms standing over the stretcher. Javier lays on it, covered in a white sheet, his head angled my way, his eyes closed, his color
pail and his body frail. It doesn’t even look like him anymore. So quickly. Just like that. I close my eyes. I need to see him, I need to picture him as he was, bright, strong, and happy. That image doesn’t come to my mind, I just keep seeing him like he is right now. I keep my eyes closed. I close them tighter. Please. Please don’t make me remember him like this. Please.
“Abigail. You need to go.” I hear her say again more firmly. I open my eyes but they are gone. They didn’t wait for me. I don’t see Javier.
I jump up disoriented and afraid. “Where is he? Oh my God where is he?”
“Sshh. Calm down. They just got a head start. They are right down the hall. Let’s go. Do you have a purse or something?” I look around at all of our stuff strewn all over the place. What am I going to do? Where is my purse? Where is Javier’s wallet?
I run to the bathroom and find Javier’s wallet on the counter. I find my purse in my suitcase and grab both of our phones.
“I have it.” I tell her.
We catch up to the ambulance and Caro the girl from the front desk exchanges numbers with me so I can get the rest of our stuff later. The ride takes about 20 minutes and it’s bumpy and loud. I sit as close as I can to Javier and hold his hand. The tears won’t stop. I have never been so afraid. Once we arrive and Javier is moved to a room I use his phone to call his mother. She is terrified, I can hear it in her voice, it doesn’t help that I am so hysterical I can’t communicate clearly. Eventually a staff member at the hospital takes the phone from my hand to tell his mother in Spanish where we are. She tells me that she will be on the next flight and will be here in a few hours. The rest of my time waiting is spent in a daze. People come in an out periodically to check his vitals. They have him hooked up to an IV for fluids and another one with morphine for the pain. They have asked me questions I don’t know the answers to.
“Does he have a DNR? How did he feel about artificial nutrition? Are the saline bags against his wishes?” I don’t know the answer. I don’t know anything. We never talked about it. He never wanted to. I wanted to ask a million questions but I never did. I’m overwhelmed and at a loss. I don’t know what to do. So I do nothing. I ignore everyone who comes in and out. I sit there watching his chest rise and fall through the tears that have yet to stop. I hold his hand and rub soft circles with my thumb.
“No, he doesn’t want it. None of it.” I don’t look to see where the voice is coming from but I see the nurse disconnect the IV from Javier’s hand.
“Wait, what are you doing?” I stand up and that’s when I see Javier’s mom standing by the foot of the bed, Javier’s brother beside her. Her eyes are red and swollen. She is holding a folder against her chest. She has ordered them to remove the saline.
“He doesn’t want any fluids?” I ask concerned how long someone can last without any water.
“No, mija. He doesn’t want it. Just the medication for pain. Nothing else.” Silently a few tears slide down her cheeks. She appears so strong, unwavering. She stands watching over him not moving for a long time. I sit back in my seat and we both stare at him lying motionless. The life slipping slowly from his body.
She and I both sit in chairs on either side of Javier and Ivan goes back to the hotel to pick up and get me a few things from the room. He said that we should keep the room as long as we need to so that we can go back to shower and sleep but I’m not leaving here. I can’t leave him.
At some point during the night I fall asleep and I am woken to the feel of Javier squeezing my hand lightly. My eyes fly open. The room is bathed in a soft glow from the open window and the light on in the bathroom. I sit up and wait to feel the squeeze again or figure out if I just imagined it. After a few moments I feel it again. It’s faint, and weak but I feel it. I stand up and peer over the bead to look at Javier. His eyes are still closed, he still lays motionless. I squeeze his hand back and he responds by squeezing mine.
I lean over and whisper in his ear, “Hi, baby.” His eyes flutter open and closed as he struggles to open them, finally he does. He looks at me and I look back trying to ignore the dullness, the twinkle that’s no longer there. I smile at him but he doesn’t smile back.
“Marissa, he is awake.” She startles and gets up quickly. She crosses to the other side of the bed so that she can get a better look at him. His eyes close and open a few times, clearly still struggling. I try to hold back my tears but I can’t. I just want him back. He struggles to say something. His voice so faint, the words inaudible. I can’t understand him.
“Say it again baby.” I plead with him and lean down to put my ear by his mouth.
He tries again, slowly so low, “I'm…so…so…” his eyes close again and he mumbles something else. I don’t know what he is saying. I move back and his mom moves in closely to listen. He speaks again and I look to her expectantly waiting for her to tell me what he said. My palms are clammy and my heart is racing, my breathing is rapid I want to know what he is trying so hard to say.
She nods her head and wipes her eyes and she moves away from him, kissing his forehead before she stands. She lays her hand on top of mine and squeezes gently, “He wants you to let him go. Tell him that it’s okay mija. Tell him…you love him…that you will be okay…that he can go now.”
I shake my head, I can’t tell him that, I won’t. That can’t be what he said. I can’t let him go. I want him to stay. I need him. I love him. I won’t survive without him. I feel it, my heart shattering into a million pieces. I will never be the same again. Life will never be the same. I can’t see through my tears, I can barely breathe.
“You are brave and strong. Let him go mija…please. He says he is so sorry.” She squeezes my hand one more time and leans down to kiss Javier’s temple. “I love you mijo. Goodbye. Dormir con los angeles” She walks out of the room leaving me alone with him.
I slip off my shoes and crawl into the bed with him. I lay on my side facing him. The moon still illuminates the room and I study his face in the soft light. Though his features have changed so much in such a short amount of time he is still my Javier. I watch his chest rise and fall, I can hear the struggle for each breath, the rattle in his chest but I can still feel his soft breaths on my face. I close my eyes and I remember all of the times we laughed, all the fun we had, how much my life has changed since him, how much I have changed since him. I think about how much he has given me, how fiercely he loves me. I lay there for so long, my tears finally stop. I do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I say good-bye.
“I don’t want to let you go, but I will. I love you… with all of my heart…I will be okay Javier….” I hold his hand in mine gently squeezing it hoping he will respond.
He never squeezes my hand back, he never opens his eyes again.
JAVIER
30.
Screw You
31.
The next few days are a blur. I’m so thankful for Javier’s brother because he takes care of everything for me. He cleans out the hotel room and packs up my stuff, I’m assuming he paid for what we owed or maybe Javier already took care of that, I’m not sure. But when I asked him how much everything was he just said it was taken care of. He even purchases my airfare to fly back to fly back with them for the services. I vaguely remember asking what would have happened if Javier and I had made it back to the states before he passed away. But I don’t remember what his answer was, I don’t even know if he answered at all.
Apparently all the details had already been sorted out. I didn’t really have a part in any of it but I doubt I would have been able to contribute much anyway. Javier probably already knew that, he always did do his best to take care of me. I guess even in death he is still trying to protect me.
“Mija, please eat something….please.” Javier’s mom has been trying to feed me every hour on the hour, at least it feels that way. I don’t want to eat, I have no appetite. I hate that she keeps asking me.
She brought me back to her place and keeps trying to include me in the plans
that they are making. She asked me to pick out a picture for his obituary but I couldn’t even bring myself to look at any. Then she tried to get me to go to mass with them yesterday but I don’t want anywhere near a church. They all just remind me if him.
“No, thank you.” I turn away from the bowl of soup she is offering me and lay back down. That’s all I have been doing for the last four days. I just lay here wearing Javier’s shirt because it still smells like him. I don’t know how long the hole in my heart will hurt or if the pain ever goes away, but I’m miserable. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. Awful, terrible, horrible…. Those don't even come close. I feel like part of me has died too. It’s a pain and emptiness I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’d give anything for the pain to go away, much like I’d have given anything to take away Javier’s.
I feel like we didn’t have enough time together, there was so much we didn’t get to do. I guess everyone feels like that when they lose someone they are close to. All the things you should have said, all the times you could have told them you loved them, all the moments you could have spent together, what you actually did do never seems like enough... but I’m trying to hold onto them the best I can, remember each moment for what it was. Never forget the sound of his voice, the shine in his eyes, the way he smiled, the way he smelled. Every moment we spent together is one that I will hold in my heart and mind forever. I miss him so much.
I wonder if he really is watching over me, I wonder if he can hear me or if he knows how much I miss him, or how sad I am. I feel like nothing will ever be the same again. That I will never be the same again. The world continues like nothing happened, everyone continues to live their life just as they always have and I’m stuck here in the middle of this whirlwind and for me, life just doesn’t go on. It’s over. Now, I have to pick up all the scattered pieces and start from scratch. My life has come to an end, yet I’m still living. I don’t know how else to describe it. I can’t formulate how I feel into words, I just feel it in my heart, in my bones and in my soul, and it hurts so much.