First There Was Forever

by Juliana Romano

  “Hey.”

  I slammed the book shut, embarrassed to be caught and twisted myself around to a sitting position.

  Nate was standing in the doorway. My stomach leaped into my chest with joy at the sight of him.

  “Hey,” I said back, trying not to act too excited. The house sounded quiet. I had no idea how long I had been up here. “You came.”

  He crossed over to the bed and sat down next to me. He was wearing a baby blue T-shirt and beat-up jeans. He looked super-cute.

  “We just got here a few minutes ago,” he said, taking my hand in his, winding his fingers through mine so they were knotted together like rope.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I said, my heart fluttering in my chest.

  “They’re all passed out down there,” Nate told me. “Did they take horse tranquilizers or something? They look wasted.”

  Nate and I went downstairs together.

  Meredith was draped across the couch, still wearing nothing but underwear. Her feet were in Henry’s lap, and Henry’s head was drooping onto Lily’s shoulder. They were breathing slow, synchronized breaths.

  Ryan emerged from the bathroom.

  “I’m ready to leave,” he said to Nate. “So I’m just gonna go wait for you outside.”

  “I want to leave, too,” Nate said. And then he turned to me as if it was the most natural question in the world and said, “Are you coming?”

  It’s funny. I always thought the most important decisions I’d make in my life would be ones where I’d have lots of time to deliberate. To weigh the costs and benefits, and play out different possible outcomes, even to make a pro-con list. But I was learning that really significant changes can be created in an instant. I just hoped my instincts were good.

  • • •

  The walk down to Ryan’s house was dark. There was a steady buzz in the air, a combination of electricity and insects and faraway cars. I wasn’t sure what our plan was but when we reached Ryan’s house, we stopped.

  “I’m so beat, I’m gonna go pass out,” Ryan said to Nate, not looking at me.

  Nate’s face remained completely calm. “Yeah, okay. Talk tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, sure,” Ryan said. And then he looked down at me and the faintest flicker of understanding passed behind his eyes. “See you, Lima.”

  I felt so close to Ryan at that moment, I wished I could throw my arms around his neck and squeeze him tight. He had helped me escape from the twins’ house and let me and Nate go off together without making anything awkward or weird. I wanted to thank him but instead, all I said was, “Okay, see you.”

  I turned to Nate after Ryan had gone inside, unsure what to do.

  “Wanna go back to my house?” Nate asked mildly.

  A yellow light turned on in one of the upstairs rooms in Ryan’s house.

  “Okay,” I said, biting my lip. “Sounds good.”

  • • •

  We didn’t talk on the way to Nate’s. The radio was on low and scratchy. While he drove, Nate rested his right hand on the gearshift and his left hand on the wheel. He had such an amazing way of seeming relaxed and alert at the same time. I sank back into the seat and closed my eyes, letting myself feel the bumpy road beneath the car.

  Growing up isn’t a steady process, I thought. There are actually specific moments, nights, or long strange days when you can almost feel yourself change. This car ride to Nate’s house felt like one of those times.

  I opened my eyes and looked out the window so I could watch the city go by. It was late. The streets looked foreign, wider, more anonymous than ever.

  I couldn’t believe how easy it was to break the rules. I had always imagined it would take planning and lying and scheming to get around them. But in reality, it was the opposite. Here I was: I just walked right out of Meredith’s house. My parents had no idea. I wasn’t allowed to get into the car with a driver they didn’t know. But what would they think if they knew what was going on at Meredith’s? I had slipped into a life where every choice I made was simply the lesser of two evils. There seemed to be no option that they would approve of. I would never in a million years be allowed to go over to Nate’s house this late on a Friday night. And still, it was all so easy.

  My mind flashed on the first time I swam in the ocean. I had been afraid of it for so long that it started to seem impossible to actually do it. But really, the other side is right there. You can just take a deep breath and walk into it.

  “Do you want anything?” Nate asked as we drove past a gas station. “A soda or anything?”

  “I’m good,” I said. “Thanks.”

  I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It was 9:46 p.m. What was Hailey doing right now? Maybe she was out with Skyler, dressed in sky-high heels and surrounded by thumping music. Or maybe she was getting ready for bed in her dim apartment in Mar Vista. I pictured her in frumpy flannel pajamas, her favorite teddy bear waiting for her on her pillow. Maybe she was doing a face mask and looking at pictures of people on the computer.

  And suddenly—almost violently—I saw our love triangle clearly for the first time. It was simple. I was going after the boy that my best friend was in love with. I was greedy and selfish. My insides must have been made of something black and ugly and mean. I felt a wave of nausea.

  “Hey,” Nate said, bringing me back to the present. We had come to a red light so he turned to face me. For a moment he was still, but then he smiled a little and shook his head, almost like he was in disbelief about something. When he spoke, his voice was so soft that it seemed as if he was talking to himself more than to me. “Lima.”

  “Yeah?” I whispered.

  “Nothing,” he said quietly. “Just this.”

  I chose this, I thought. I chose Nate and secrets and lying to my parents. I chose Nate over Hailey. I chose Nate over my perfect, unblemished life. I chose Nate over everything everyone has ever wanted me to be.

  chapter

  fifty-one

  Nate lived on one of those hilly LA streets with no sidewalks, where you enter each house from the back.

  Before we got out of the car, I turned to Nate.

  “Wait,” I said.

  “What’s up?” he asked.

  “This is really random, but do you think Ryan is going to tell anyone that I came over here tonight?” I asked.

  “Ryan is a steel trap,” Nate said. “He won’t say anything.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Because, I haven’t told anyone anything yet. And it might be weird if it gets around or whatever.”

  “I respect that,” Nate said. “That’s fine. I won’t. And Ryan never would.”

  For a moment, it hurt to think about Nate and Ryan, to remember what it was like to have a real, true best friend. I was wrecking my most important friendship to be here with Nate right now and he wasn’t risking anything. I was hit by a fresh wave of guilt.

  “Is something bothering you?” he asked, as if he could read my mind. He reached across the center console and touched my hair. I stayed still as he gently took a piece between his thumb and forefinger and ran his fingers slowly down to the tip.

  “No,” I said, letting out a deep breath. “I’m good.”

  “My parents are in their room,” Nate whispered when we had stepped into his front hallway.

  Everything about Nate’s house seemed amazingly regular. There were pictures of the family on the walls, dog toys scattered on the floor, lamps and ornaments and flowers on the tables.

  “Should we watch a movie? Or just go to my room and talk?” he asked.

  I dropped my gaze, feeling gripped with an unexpected, crippling awkwardness. “Maybe just talk?”

  His room was simple. A narrow bed with gray sheets. Two posters on his wall. One of a Brazilian soccer player and one of a band I hadn’t heard of. There were textbooks and pens scattered all over h
is desk.

  He walked over to his bed and turned on his bedside lamp. It cast long yellow leaves of light around the room. He sat on the edge of the bed, and I sat beside him. I tucked my hands underneath my legs.

  “You sure you’re okay?” he asked.

  I nodded, and then he leaned in and kissed me. It was a more innocent kiss than the ones that we had had before. Then he stopped, pulled off his shoes, and lay back on his bed silently, not touching me.

  I watched all of his actions, unsure what to do next. In some ways, I just wanted to sit there and be invisible and watch Nate do everything he would do if he was alone. This was what I had been fantasizing about all year: to see the real Nate. To just know him.

  “Lie down,” he said.

  I untied my shoes and lay down next to him. He rolled onto his side so we were face-to-face. I wondered how often he had been in this position with other girls. Was this a regular thing for him? For me it was all so new it practically hurt.

  “Are you really okay?” he said. “You seem quiet.”

  My heart was pounding. Words got stuck in my throat.

  “Can I ask you something?” I asked, my voice sounding tiny. I could barely stand to look at him.

  He nodded.

  “Have you,” I started, “you know, have you, like, ever had sex?”

  I couldn’t believe I’d said it. I squeezed my eyes shut out of shame. When I opened them, he was looking at me in this really inquisitive way.

  “Yeah,” he said. “I have.”

  My heart sank.

  “But never, like, with someone like you,” he said.

  It’s weird, but all of a sudden I felt like I was going to cry. I don’t know why. It’s like I was getting pummeled with a million emotions at once.

  “What do you mean?” I asked. “Like me?”

  “Like, with a friend,” he said. “Someone I really like as a person.”

  “I’m, like, a friend?” I asked.

  He laughed. “Not like that.”

  “I’ve never,” I started, “I’ve never done it.”

  “I kind of figured.”

  “Why?” I asked, feeling self-conscious. “How can you tell?”

  “You just seem like someone who doesn’t do stuff just ’cause everyone else is doing it,” he said. “You’re different than that.”

  I didn’t say anything, and then neither did he. We just looked at each other. Neither one of us squirmed or said something stupid or teasing or anything. We just really held each other’s gazes for longer than I’ve ever stared at another person.

  “I think about you a lot, Lima,” he said. “A lot.”

  “Have you thought about doing, about having it with me?” I asked.

  He rolled onto his back so he wasn’t facing me and took a deep breath in and out.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  He had thought about it. His imagination would be so much more vivid than mine, because he had actually done it before. The thought made me scared and excited at the same time.

  “I think about you, too,” I said.

  He glanced down his nose at me.

  “C’mere,” he said softly.

  I climbed up onto his body. I liked lying on top of Nate, feeling every shape of his chest and hips underneath me. We started kissing and our mouths and bodies just started moving together. I thought I wouldn’t know what to do, but making out with Nate was easy. I didn’t have to plan my moves. I just did what felt right.

  Nate rolled toward me and kind of gently pushed me onto my back. He lay on top of me, letting his weight press into me. He moved his hand slowly over my chest, slowly over my stomach, slowly over the bony part of my hip and then to my leg.

  “Can I take off my jeans?” he asked. “They’re kind of bothering me.”

  I nodded.

  Nate stood up and unbuttoned his jeans, and I watched as he pushed them to the ground. And then once he had stepped out of his jeans, he took off his shirt, too.

  “Sit up,” he said.

  I sat up.

  “Put your arms over your head,” he said.

  I stuck my arms straight up like a little kid, and he pulled my T-shirt up over my head so I was just wearing a white cotton bra that I’d gotten with Mom at the Gap last summer.

  Nate’s body wasn’t surprising, and I was relieved about that. His chest and stomach were smooth and hairless. If anything, the most foreign thing about his body was his legs. They were just such boy legs. All that hair, and the way they stayed so straight and bony all the way to the top. They were practically skinnier at the spot where they disappeared into his boxers than right above his knee.

  Nate sat down next to me, and we started kissing again. There was a new carefulness now that we were only partly clothed. The sensation of his hands on my skin took getting used to. It was like getting into a too cold pool: You know you’ll adjust, but at first it just feels like tugging.

  Nate’s hands moved all over my body. He was slow and careful. When his hand slid under my bra, I felt him tense up, and he almost made a sound. But he didn’t, and I was glad. I was sort of scared of all that heavy breathing and groaning you hear in the movies.

  I let my hand move down to his boxers. Hailey always said penises were really scary, really gross and rubbery and weird. Through the fabric of his shorts, I couldn’t tell what I was touching. It was a mystery—parts were super soft and other parts were hard as bone.

  He took my right hand in his left hand and brought it inside his shorts. When I felt the strange soft skin of his penis, I made a gasping sound. It did feel weird. Nate’s hand stayed on the back of my hand and he guided me. I tried to relax and breathe and even enjoy it, but it just felt overwhelmingly foreign. Even scientific. I felt myself clamming up, as if I was disappearing inside of myself.

  “Wait,” he said. He took my hand and brought it out of his shorts. He squeezed my hand really tight, and then he put it on his chest.

  I was too ashamed to look at him. The shame of knowing I had failed was coupled by the bigger, darker shame of our bodies all together.

  “Hey,” he said.

  I let myself look at him, in his face, and I felt immediately better. He looked really content, really mild. His cheeks were glowing pink. A lock of his hair had fallen across his forehead in this adorable way that made him look like a little boy.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  He smiled. “Are you kidding? That was so nice.”

  “No,” I said, biting my lip and turning red.

  “Lima,” he said, “you are so hot. You drive me crazy. You have no idea.”

  I let out a little sigh of relief and let my head collapse onto his chest. He stroked my hair and ran his fingers along the edge of my ear.

  chapter

  fifty-two

  I woke up when the light started creeping into Nate’s bedroom. Everything in his room looked slightly dingier in the daylight. The light revealed the few cracks in the paint and the sort of cheap plastic of his swivel chair.

  I was suddenly uncomfortably aware of how dirty I was, having not brushed my teeth or washed my face, and struck by a fear that Nate’s mom would wake up at any moment.

  I peeled my cheek off Nate’s chest and crawled over him, reaching over the side of the bed to find my cell phone in the pocket of my jeans.

  “What’s up?” Nate grumbled softly.

  “I should go before your parents get up. And I need to be back to the twins’ house before my mom comes for me,” I whispered. “I’m gonna call a taxi.”

  “No,” he mumbled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’ll take you.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “You really don’t have to.”

  He nodded groggily. “Yeah, yeah, no problem.”

  I pulled on my jeans and T-shirt and w
atched him as he did the same. I had the same feeling I’d had the night before: that I could just observe him doing regular things forever and not get bored.

  He was barely looking at me. I got a wave of fear that I had screwed something up.

  It’s almost as if he read my mind, because he looked up at me before he tied his shoes. I was standing awkwardly, two feet away from the bed.

  “What are you doing all the way over there?” he asked.

  I sat at the edge of the bed next to him. He wrapped his arm tightly around my shoulders and pulled me toward him in a kind of headlock, and I knew everything was still okay.

  • • •

  It was really different to be alone in the car with Nate in broad daylight. It was the first time I felt like we were boyfriend-girlfriend.

  “My mom hates McDonald’s,” I said as we drove past one. “She’s all into, like, natural food and stuff.”

  “That rules,” Nate said. “McDonald’s is, like, the most fucked-up corporation in the world.”

  I wondered for a second if Mom and Nate would get along, and I felt a pang of longing to have everything be out in the open. She would like him if she met him. I just knew it.

  Being around Nate, I felt that I was exactly where I needed to be. It didn’t matter if we were talking or not talking, if I had or hadn’t brushed my teeth. Right here, in this beat-up old Honda, at the corner of La Cienega and Wilshire, was the center of the universe because Nate was there.

  • • •

  The front door was unlocked and I let myself into the twins’ house. I walked into the living room and froze in the entrance. Meredith and Henry were making out on the couch. They were clothed, but their bodies were intricately locked together, churning rhythmically like gears in a machine.

  Meredith paused when she heard me come in, and she looked as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She pushed Henry off of her.