Hold on to Love

by Roberta Capizzi

“I doubt it could ever happen. No one would ever make me feel the way you do, City Girl. You drive me crazy at times, but not always in a bad way.” He chuckled when she pinched his hip. “I should be the one worrying about you finding somebody else, someone who could offer you all the things I could never offer you,” he said against the crown of her head, his warm breath soothing her troubled heart.

  “Nobody could ever offer me the kind of love you’ve offered me, and this is all I care about. I love you so much, Sean; not even all the diamonds in the world could change this.”

  He stroked her back gently and she relaxed against his body, hoping it would be enough to remember the feeling even when she’d be gone.

  A few moments passed and they lay in each other’s arms in silence, their fingers tracing careless patterns, their lips brushing cheeks, hair, temples—any surface they could reach without the need to move from their embrace. They were lost in a world of their own and it wasn’t until Alyssa heard Sean’s breathing grow shallower that she realized it was time for them to return to reality.

  “I think it’s time we went to bed now,” Alyssa whispered against his ear. His eyes fluttered open and in the dim light she caught a smirk on his face. “To our separate beds,” she emphasized.

  He kissed the tip of her nose and her heart danced in her chest at the sweet gesture. She felt like a dreamy teenager all over again.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you to the airport?” he asked. Alyssa shook her head.

  “I hate goodbyes, and airports make things even harder. I’d rather say goodbye from a taxi.”

  “But it would mean we’d have a few hours to ourselves . . .” He tried to object, but she shook her head again.

  “I wouldn’t be able to walk through the gate if I saw you there. It would be heartbreaking.”

  She placed a soft kiss on his cheek, loving the way his stubble tickled her lips every time she kissed his face. She sat up, handing Sean his clothes. She didn’t want to talk about saying goodbye. She wanted her last memories of their time together to be happy ones, not tears and heart-shattering farewells.

  Sean got dressed, and when he stood up and offered her his hand she smiled and took it, letting him pull her to his chest once more. They’d been apart for two minutes at the most, the time it had taken Sean to put on his clothes, and already she’d lamented the heat of his arms around her.

  The thought that by this time tomorrow there would be two thousand miles between them made her heart sink to the darkest pits of hell. He was a part of her already, the happiest and most careless part of her soul. How could anyone live if their soul had been torn apart?

  A soft kiss on her lips brought her back, and as he spun her around and pushed her toward the door, she knew this was love.

  ***

  Tammy woke up with a start after dreaming she’d gone to visit Alyssa in New York and had fallen off a skyscraper. Her brow was covered in sweat, and her mouth was parched. She kicked off her blanket and padded in the dark toward the kitchen to get some water.

  She gulped down two glasses of water, and as she closed the tap some movement outside in the backyard caught her eye. She looked out the window above the sink, and blinked twice when she saw Sean and Alyssa coming out of the barn. Maybe she was still asleep?

  She hated spying on her brother but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. Sean had an arm wrapped around Alyssa’s shoulder, and she was leaning into him against his chest. He said something in her ear and she smacked his arm, laughed and pulled away. Sean grabbed her hand and pulled her back into him, stroked her cheek and dipped his head to kiss her.

  Oh. My. God. He kissed her.

  Tammy let out a gasp as she stared at Alyssa looping her arms around his neck while Sean pulled her up to be level with her.

  When had things changed so drastically? Tammy had noticed Sean had softened his attitude toward Alyssa, that they’d even become friends at some point, and she’d been happy about this. She had always been sure they’d get on well, if only they stopped fighting over silly things and if only her brother would stop acting like a rough cowboy; she had been right after all. Once Sean had gotten over his prejudices and had given Alyssa a chance, he had found what Tammy had known all along: Alyssa wasn’t like Bethany at all.

  But she’d missed the point when they’d gone from friendly to intimate.

  What would this mean?

  Although she was happy to see Sean so happy, and she really liked Alyssa like she was the big sister she’d never had, she knew they could never be together living so far away from each other. One of them would have to move—what if it were Sean who decided to leave? What would she do without her brother?

  She had always been very jealous of Sean, and she had always worried about who he would end up marrying; she had never cared about whom Andy or Nick dated, as long as they left her alone, but with Sean it had always been different. He had always been her favorite and she was scared that he would marry a girl who would take him away from her, who would want exclusive rights on him and she would lose her beloved brother.

  Next year Nick would be finished with college, and unless he went on to get his masters, he’d come back to live at home with them. He was fun at times, but he wasn’t Sean.

  What would her life be without Sean? Nick could be such an idiot when he wanted to annoy her, and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to endure him without Sean protecting her.

  She stared at her brother from the dark kitchen, sure he wouldn’t see her even if he looked—although he didn’t seem to want to look anywhere else but at Alyssa.

  She’d never seen that look on Sean’s face. The smile that split his cheeks shone brighter than the full moon up in the sky. Alyssa made him happier than he’d been in years. Even so, she didn’t want Sean to leave them because of Alyssa. She really liked her, but Tammy needed her brother to stay where he was, where he belonged. There had to be a way for her brother to be happy with Alyssa without leaving Wind Creek.

  She shook her head, shaking away the thoughts, and put the glass upside-down by the sink. She’d better run back to bed before Sean and Alyssa found her in the kitchen and realized they’d been caught. She’d deal with this in the morning with a clear mind.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Sean had gotten out of bed earlier than usual. He’d slept for barely three hours, but he wanted to finish the top-priority duties early so he would be free to spend a little time with Alyssa before she had to leave.

  He couldn’t believe she’d be gone today; even after talking long into the night they hadn’t come up with a solution on how to keep seeing each other, but he knew he would find a way somehow. He didn’t want it to be a summer fling; nobody had ever made him feel like she had.

  When Alyssa was around, his heart felt light and he felt like a silly teenager during his first love. It was close to unbelievable to think that he’d been able to live twenty-nine years of his life without her, and now in only three weeks she’d not only carved her imprint into his heart but had made it impossible for him to even consider living without her.

  He filled the last of the feeding troughs in the stables, then moved out and into the cows’ shed. He smiled like an idiot remembering the first time he’d taught Alyssa how to milk a cow; he could still hear the squeals of delight she’d let out, as if she’d just done something incredible. He’d wanted to kiss her right then and there.

  Things had changed so quickly after that day, and here he was now, racking his brains for a way to be with her and turn these three weeks together into something serious, something everlasting.

  The hinges on the shed door creaked, jolting him out of his thoughts. He looked over his shoulder, hoping to see Alyssa sneaking out to steal one last kiss before she had to leave, but his face fell when he saw Tammy walk in with drooped shoulders and her lips curved downward in a grimace of pain.

  “What’s up, Tammy?” he asked, trying to hide his disappointment. He could finish this really
quickly and sneak into Alyssa’s room before she checked out.

  Tammy shrugged, her hands in the pockets of her skinny jeans, and kicked at an imaginary pebble on the floor.

  “Alyssa’s gone,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. Sean’s heart plummeted to his feet. “I know it’s silly, but I’m really going to miss her. She was like . . . like the sister I’ve always wanted.”

  “What do you mean she’s gone? She left without even saying goodbye?” Sean asked, his tone a mixture of hurt, disbelief and sadness. “I mean . . . that was kinda rude of her.” He added when he realized that his reaction might give him away. Tammy knowing his feelings for Alyssa was the last thing he wanted right now.

  “She said she was running late, and Aaron was already here to pick her up, so she didn’t want to keep him waiting. She asked me to say goodbye to you, and to thank you for everything.”

  Sean felt something burst open inside his chest, and he was pretty sure it was his heart that had shattered into a million microscopic pieces. So much for saying she loved him; she’d left without even saying goodbye, and had given him a stupid, formal message via his sister.

  He couldn’t believe she’d left like that.

  Tammy took a step closer, pulled a three-legged stool next to Sean, and plopped down on it.

  “She left me her Prada bag, said I could have it just because I loved it so much. I mean, who would give away such an amazing bag to a girl she barely knows? She’s a wonderful person, and I’m really going to miss her.” She let out a long sigh, and turned to look at Sean. “She gave me her phone number and email address so we can keep in touch. She said whenever I want to go visit her, she’d be happy to let me stay at her place. Wouldn’t it be great if I could go to New York?”

  Sean shrugged and went back to milking the cow, anger mixed with sadness twisting his insides.

  He didn’t want to talk about Alyssa now.

  He actually didn’t want to talk about anything; he just wanted to be left alone with his broken heart and shattered dreams. He’d been a fool to think, once again, that a girl like that could really love someone like him, a cowboy who’d never be able to offer her more than a life on a ranch.

  “Say, maybe we could go together during the Christmas holidays. We could spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square and watch the ball drop. Mom and Dad would never let me go by myself but if you went with me . . .”

  “Tammy, leave me alone, okay? I’ve got tons of things to do today; just go find yourself something to do,” Sean said in a bitter tone. He knew his sister had nothing to do with his love troubles, but he wanted to lick his wounds in peace. With Tammy around, he knew it would be an impossible task.

  Tammy didn’t say anything, which was slightly unlike her, but he didn’t question it. He felt awful for being so mean to his little sister, but her bubbly attitude was the last thing he needed right now.

  She stood up and moved the stool back to the spot where she’d found it. He heard her open the door and waited for it to slam shut, but it didn’t.

  “Sean?” she asked, her tone tentative. He felt a knot of guilt twist his stomach.

  “Yeah?”

  “I . . . um . . . nothing,” she said and walked out. When the door finally closed Sean stood up, emptied the bucket into the steel milk container, and went back into the stables. He needed to get away for a while, and he knew exactly where he would go. He pinned a note on the door of the barn, knowing his father would see it later, saddled Alyssa’s favorite horse and in record time he reached the log cabin.

  He slumped down on the couch, buried his face into his tracksuit top and inhaled the delicious scent of her that still clung to the fabric. It reminded him of berries, of summer rain, of green fields, and as the memory of her peach-soft skin invaded his mind, tears stung the back of his eyes.

  Damn, he couldn’t cry over a woman.

  Ever since Alyssa had pushed her way into his heart it seemed like he had no more control over his mind and body, though. And now she was gone, two thousand miles away.

  He curled up in a ball on the couch and just wished he would die.

  ***

  He spent the rest of the day in a foul mood, avoiding his father and keeping himself busy with whatever work required no great concentration. He couldn’t believe she’d left him like that; he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Only the night before she’d said she loved him and had proven it with her kisses and her whole body language.

  What had changed during the night?

  When his working day was finally over and he walked back to his room, he saw something on the floor out of the corner of his eye. He bent to pick it up and saw his name on the white paper.

  He opened the folded sheet and let himself slide to the floor, resting his head against the wall. Was he ready for this? After a whole day of torturing himself, wondering why she’d left without a single explanation, would he have enough strength to take the blow?

  He folded the letter and threw it on the bed, went to his wardrobe and picked up clean clothes, all the time his heart pounding fast in his chest. When he turned back, the white sheet of paper was beckoning him, calling him like an intoxicating siren’s song, but he shook his head.

  Not yet.

  He walked down the corridor to the bathroom as if the hounds of hell were on his heels, and while he was getting pruned under the hot spray, he kept repeating in his mind that she hadn’t dumped him with a letter, that there was no way she would ever do something like this.

  As much as he wished, though, his positive thinking wouldn’t change the contents of that letter and he decided to leave it till after dinner. If it was bad news, there was no way he’d be able to keep his cool in front of his family, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to break down in front of them again, not after the whole Bethany incident. He’d be damned if they ever saw him get so upset about another girl again.

  Dinner dragged by and Sean tried to act as if there wasn’t a woodpecker hammering in his head, reminding him Alyssa’s letter was waiting for him in his room. Once Tammy was done and finally stood up, Sean knew it was safe to leave without anyone thinking he was acting funny.

  He dragged his sorry ass back to his room, opened the door slowly, almost as if he was afraid the letter would ambush him, jump at his neck and strangle him. When he saw it was still in the same spot where he’d dropped it, he closed the door and plopped down on his bed, staring at the ceiling for a few seconds while he decided whether he should or should not read it.

  Then, in an outburst of rage, he snatched the letter off the duvet cover and opened it.

  Suck it up, Sean, he prompted himself, squeezing his eyes shut. When he reopened them, the neat writing on the pages threatened to take his breath away.

  Dear Sean,

  I know by the time you’ll be reading this you’ll be mad at me. I know I promised I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, but technically I’m not breaking my promise. I am saying goodbye, just not exactly in the way you wanted me to.

  Sean groaned, thinking that falling in love with a lawyer was going to trouble his mind. He went back to the letter and smiled when he read the next line—she already knew him better than he had thought.

  Okay, stop groaning now—yes, I know you are.

  I’m sorry I sneaked out of your life like that but the thing is, if I’d come to say goodbye and had looked one more time in your eyes, I would have never been able to bring myself to leave you. If you haven’t figured out yet how much you mean to me, I hope this can give you a clue.

  I came to Wind Creek to run away from a stalker and from a life I didn’t like, and I thought that putting my life on hold for three weeks would help me get sorted. The last thing I expected was to find my real self in a ranch in the middle of nowhere, and end up leaving my heart in the hands of a gruff cowboy who’d turned my life upside-down and made me feel more alive than I had in twenty-six years.

  He smiled again, thinking how he loved it when s
he called him a cowboy, and teased him for always being gruff to her. Deep down he wasn’t gruff—he’d always considered himself a kind, polite person and had always been pleasant toward their guests—but acting like a gruff cowboy had always been part of the game he played with her. It drove her crazy and made him laugh, so he had never totally stopped playing his part.

  He scratched his chin, lost in thought, and feeling uneasy, empty, and lonely. Heartbroken—that was the right word. He missed her so badly and she had only been gone a few hours. How would he ever cope without her?

  He shook away the thought and went back to the letter.

  We both knew from the start it wouldn’t be easy. We both tried to resist the feeling, but we didn’t manage, did we? Like you said, though, we need time to think this through, to find a way to overcome the distance and the obstacles, and maybe in the end we’ll find out life isn’t a fairytale and there can’t always be a happy ending.

  But until then, I’m willing to try, if you are too. I want this to work, Sean, I want it with all my heart—please don’t give up on us now, not just yet.

  He put the letter down for a moment, feeling a pain in his chest. Not a physical pain, not like he guessed a heart attack would feel. It was worse, much worse. It was as if somebody had made a voodoo doll of him and was piercing it with thousands of needles, right where his heart was.

  He didn’t want to give up, although he doubted they would ever find a way to make it work with so many miles between them and their worlds being so different. Nevertheless, for once in his life he wanted to hope—she had made him want to with all the things she had said last night and he wanted to believe that, no matter the differences, they could overcome all the obstacles and be happy together. It was a dream maybe, and he was too old to believe in dreams, but Alyssa was worth the effort, and he wasn’t going to disappoint her.

  You’ll find my e-mail address and my cell phone number at the foot of the letter. Be sure to send me your address and check your mail more often than you have done recently.