Hold on to Love

by Roberta Capizzi

  Her heart swelled.

  Baby.

  He’d never called her baby before; it sounded so good on his lips, it made her tingle all over. She couldn’t wait to be on her way and reach him; this distance between them was killing her.

  “I’m having lunch with my family and guess what my sweet mother did?” She paused for a second for emphasis, but didn’t give him the chance to say anything. “She invited Julian; you know, the guy I went out with before I came to Wind Creek? She’s still trying to set me up. Guess what? He invited me to go on his yacht tomorrow and spend the weekend at his beach house in the Hamptons. Isn’t that just fantastic?”

  Sean cleared his throat. “I can’t believe you’d prefer a weekend on a yacht to one milking cows and brushing horses. It’s quite offensive, you know. I could actually hang up on you, now.”

  “Are you serious?” she asked, not sure by his tone whether he was joking. He couldn’t really mean it though, could he?

  He chuckled and she exhaled. “Of course I’m not, baby.” Her heart thumped; there went that word again. “Listen, put me through to him for a minute, so I can thank him properly.”

  “Thank him?” she asked, a little confused. What would he want to thank Julian for?

  “If he hadn’t been stalking you, you probably wouldn’t have left New York to come to a godforsaken town in Wyoming, and we never would’ve met,” he said, in a matter-of-fact tone. Alyssa grinned like the Cheshire cat; he was so adorable. “So, yeah, I want to thank the guy. And if inviting you on his yacht will cause you to flee again, he definitely deserves another thank you from me.”

  At that, Alyssa laughed. She’d known Sean would cheer her up; he had the uncanny ability to make her happy with only a few words. She loved him for that, especially now.

  “I don’t think he’d be happy to hear that I slapped him when he tried to kiss me and because of that I ended up rolling in the hay with you. I think it might actually deflate his ego.” Sean laughed. “And my mother definitely wouldn’t be pleased. I’ve actually pissed her off quite epically today.”

  “My, my, City Girl. You’re turning into a naughty little thing, aren’t you?”

  Alyssa laughed. “It’s your fault. You brought out the real me that had been asleep for years. There’s no going back now, so if you want to back off from our deal, you should say it now . . .”

  “Or forever hold my peace?” He cut in, with a chuckle. “I love this real you, Alyssa. If that’s what I’m going to get, then I’ll accept it gratefully.”

  His words made her blush, and she found herself dumbfounded for a minute. Today he’d called her baby twice and said he loved her the way she was. At that very moment she knew without any trace of doubt that she had made the right decision. If she’d had even the slightest insecurity before, she knew for sure now that leaving her job and her life behind to be with Sean was the only way things were meant to be. Sean was the one certainty in her life, and she would give up everything just to be with him.

  There was no more point in pretending to be the perfect daughter; she’d go back into the dining room, say goodbye and leave. No more acting just so her mother would be happy. She’d return to her apartment and start planning her new life in Wyoming. She’d have to check out a few websites, look for information on college, apartments and moving companies. She should probably keep her apartment here in New York, but she’d have to move most of her stuff out anyway, and she definitely wasn’t going to carry it all around in a suitcase.

  Determination rushed through her as a smile curled her lips. She was ready for a new life, at last.

  “I’d better let you go back to your munchkins, now. Will we get to Skype tonight, anyway?”

  “Of course we will. I need to see your beautiful face; talking on the phone is never enough,” Sean said in a husky tone that gave her flutters all around her belly.

  “Well, then I guess I’ll say see you later, Cowboy.”

  He laughed. “I love you, City Girl. And yes, I’ll see ya later.”

  “I love you, too. Happy Thanksgiving, Sean.” She hung up with a smile, and brought the phone to her heart for a minute, letting the words sink in.

  Chapter Forty-six

  “So there’s a man behind all this; that’s interesting.”

  Alyssa gave a start and spun around, finding Derek leaning against the doorjamb, his arms crossed over his chest. Her cheeks flushed, more from anger than from embarrassment.

  “Since when have you started sneaking up on people and eavesdropping?”

  He shrugged and pushed off the door, took a step toward her and uncrossed his arms. When he took her hands, Alyssa flinched.

  “You’re turning your life upside-down because of a man? Lissy, I thought you were smarter than that.” He shook his head in disappointment and Alyssa’s blood rushed to her head. She pulled her hands free and hugged her waist as if to protect herself. “Men are usually only after one thing; in your case, he may be even after something else.” Alyssa frowned. “Have you considered the fact that he could be after your money?”

  At that, Alyssa completely lost her temper. He’d been ignoring her for months, and now he was playing the part of the caring brother? He had no right to tell her what to do, and least of all, to judge Sean.

  “Why would you care? Are you afraid I’d be running back to you, begging for a loan?” she asked, her tone venomous. “You’ve been living your happy life in Yale and never bothered checking how I was, and now you worry about me?”

  “Lissy, I’ve been busy studying.” He took a step forward and she moved back. She needed to put as much space as she could between them. “Aw, come on. I’m your brother. Of course I worry about men who could hurt you. It’s normal.”

  “It’s normal for other people, but not for you, Derek. You’ve never cared about me before and I sure as hell don’t need you to start now, especially if you go around spitting out judgments without even knowing the man in question.”

  “And I suppose you know him well, huh?” Derek asked with a smug grin that made Alyssa’s blood boil. What happened to the cute little brother who trotted alongside her, holding her hand and thinking the world revolved around her? This Armani-clad handsome young man standing in front of her was a total stranger; a cynical, male version of their mother, who knew nothing of her sister and now pretended to care.

  “I know him well enough to be sure he’s not after my money,” she said, lifting her chin in defiance. “I love him and he loves me. That’s just as much as you need to know, Derek.”

  He let out an amused chuckle, and shook his head. “You visited him how long: two weeks? Three weeks? And you love him? For a grown woman, you believe too much in fairytales, Lissy.”

  “I’ve known him long enough to know my feelings—our feelings are true.” Alyssa let out a scoff, and turned her back on him; she’d had enough. Holiday or not, she wasn’t going to stay a minute longer just to please her family. It had been the worst Thanksgiving of her life.

  “Your feelings? Come on Alyssa, listen to yourself, now. How can anyone fall in love with a guy in three weeks and leave everything for him?”

  “Well, hear this: I did. I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks. I love him and I’m going to be with him, whether you like it or not.”

  “You what?”

  Their mother’s voice behind them made them both jump. When Alyssa looked at her, she saw she’d gone pale and her eyes were wide-open in shock. She’d never seen her mother like that. Alyssa’s heart started racing wildly in her chest; it was the moment of truth, the one she’d been dreading all of her life. It was time to tell her mother she wouldn’t follow her orders anymore.

  “What’s going on here?”

  Derek shrugged. “Lissy fell for a countryman and that’s why she’s leaving New York.”

  Alyssa glared at her brother, but he gave her a smirk in return. She felt as if she’d been taken back to their childhood when he’d go blabbing to their mother a
nd then smirk when Alyssa got reprimanded.

  “Derek, leave us alone, please.”

  Their mother’s tone was cool and controlled, as if she were in court. This was not good; Alyssa knew that tone all too well—she’d heard it many a time before and it didn’t bode well.

  Derek looked at his mother, then turned to Alyssa, gave her a sympathetic smile and left without arguing. Alyssa was sure he was standing just outside the room, listening to the conversation and enjoying every minute.

  “Is this true?” her mother asked her, getting straight to the point. Alyssa looked away, fumbling with a loose thread on her sweater.

  “Alyssa,” she said, in a commanding tone.

  Shivers ran down Alyssa’s spine and she swallowed the rock in her throat; she was doing this for Sean. She’d be holding on to their love for support.

  “So what?” Alyssa shrugged, as if it wasn’t such a big deal. At the end of the day, it wasn’t—at least not for her. Why couldn’t they just be happy for her and let her be?

  Her mother took a step forward, and Alyssa cringed.

  “Don’t you dare take that tone with me. Answer my question. Now.”

  Alyssa felt as if she was standing in the dock in court; all her mother was missing was her gavel in her hand and she’d be perfect.

  “Mom, I’m not a little girl anymore. Although it may sound unbelievable to your ears, I make my own decisions, and if you don’t agree, then it’s your problem. I quit my job, and I’m leaving New York. Yes, it is because of a man, a wonderful man I love more than anything else.” She’d said it all in one breath, afraid that if she stopped for air her mother would cut in. She took in her mother’s expressions as the words registered: her face had gone from pale to a bright shade of red; deep lines creased her brow and her lips were set in a thin line while she tried to rein in her emotions. Judge Jane O’Riordan couldn’t let her emotions show, not even outside court.

  “You’re throwing your life away for a man?” her mother asked in disbelief, her voice cold as ice. “Don’t ask me not to consider you a little girl, because right now you’re acting like a hormonal teenager, Alyssa. You need someone like Julian in your life: a successful, well-mannered, smart man who’ll take care of you and give you a perfect future. Not some kind of cowboy who’d never be able to offer you a proper life.”

  “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe what you consider ‘a proper life’ is not the life I want?”

  Her mother recoiled as if Alyssa had just slapped her. Alyssa took advantage of her silence to get that giant rock off her chest, while she was still on a roll.

  “I hate Julian; you forced me to go out with him because you like him, but it was the most awful night of my life. I don’t need a man who’ll give me a proper life and show me off at parties. I need a man who’ll love me for who I am, and I’ve found just that guy. He makes me so happy and I love him so much. I never thought it possible to love someone so deeply. Why can’t you be happy for me, for once in my life? Why can’t you just let me be myself, live the life I want to live?”

  “This is where you belong, Alyssa. This is your world, your life. What are you going to do with a countryman in a godforsaken town?”

  “I’m going to be happy, Mom. Carefree, in love, and happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and I know I’ll never have it if I stay here, if I keep being the person you want me to be.” She shook her head and took a step toward her mother. Alyssa wished her mother would just hug her now and tell her she was sorry for not understanding the way she was feeling.

  “I’m not you, Mom. This is my life and I want to be me.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t back you up with this silly idea of yours,” her mother said, putting more physical distance between them in addition to the emotional space that had always been there. “You have a career, a family, not to mention a handsome man here; if you want to turn your back on all this, then you’ll have to do it without our help. I won’t be the one funding the destruction of my daughter’s life.”

  Alyssa’s heart turned into an icicle. Although she’d come to learn how much appearances and wealth meant to her mother, she’d thought that once she’d opened her heart and confessed the way she was feeling, her mother would accept it, even if she couldn’t understand it. She wished she could close her eyes and wake up in Sean’s arms, his strong hands stroking her hair gently and his deep voice whispering soothing words in her ear.

  Tears welled in her eyes, and she was too tired to fight them back now. Her mother wouldn’t understand her emotions, but at this point she didn’t give a damn. She needed to leave.

  “I won’t need your money, and I won’t need your approval, either. I’ve made up my mind and, don’t worry, I’ll accept the consequences of my actions.”

  Her mother opened her mouth but stopped when William O’Riordan walked in, his six-foot frame less intimidating in a casual sweater and a pair of dress pants, instead of the dark suits he always wore at work.

  “Jane, Alyssa, what’s going on in here? I thought I heard you screaming?”

  Alyssa spun on her heels and stomped away from her mother. She’d known all along her revelation wouldn’t make her mother happy, but deep down, the little girl inside her had hoped she’d show at least a little motherly support once she’d come to learn that her daughter was in love.

  “William, I think it’s time you talked to your daughter. She’s about to make the most stupid mistake of her life and I’m not going to stand here and let her ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for.”

  “Alyssa? What’s your mother talking about?” he asked in his low, controlled and very professional Chief-of-Police tone, the one she’d heard him use on TV during press conferences and public announcements.

  Great. Not only was she being court-martialed by Judge O’Riordan, now she’d undergo an interrogation from the chief of the NYPD nonetheless. Couldn’t this day just end already?

  “I’m not going to ruin my life, mother,” Alyssa said, saying that last word through gritted teeth. “You and your stupid ideas about everyone in your family having to follow in your footsteps have ruined my life. You knew all along I never wanted to be a lawyer, yet you forced me to become one. Yes, my life was already ruined before I made the decision to do what I wanted to do, even though I knew it wouldn’t please you.”

  Her hands shook and she hid them underneath her armpits, squeezing tight with the hope that her parents wouldn’t notice. Tears filled her eyes and she blinked a couple of times to fight them back; she wasn’t going to cry like a girl in front of her mother and father and prove their point that she was just a child.

  “You have a good job and a successful career ahead of you, and all thanks to me. You could still be looking for a job, with the recession and everything we’ve been going through. And now you’re throwing it all away. For a man. A countryman, on top of it all.”

  Her mother scrunched up her nose as if she were speaking of rotten food; maybe what hurt the most was the fact that Alyssa had turned Julian down and had fallen for someone outside her mother’s social circle.

  “A man? What are you talking about, Jane?” Her father frowned and looked at his wife for an explanation.

  “Ask your daughter. I’m done with her childish and reckless behavior.”

  With that, she turned around and left the room without looking back. Alyssa felt like screaming but she bit the inside of her cheek instead.

  “Alyssa,” her father said, taking a step closer to her and resting a hand on her shoulder.

  The weight felt almost unbearable. Even though he’d barely touched her, she was so spent she felt like she could collapse. It had been a while since she’d had a serious conversation with her father and, with all the emotions rushing wildly through her mind, she wasn’t sure she was ready for one right now.

  “I’m sorry she thinks I’m being childish, but it looks like she’s the one who doesn’t want to understand. I’ve never felt more mature. All my life I
’ve been the good girl, always doing what you wanted me to, always being the person you wanted me to be. Dad, I just want to be me, now.” A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand. “I went away on that improvised holiday because I’d found myself contemplating jumping off the thirty-fourth floor of a building while I was visiting a client.”

  The grip on her shoulder turned into a softer, soothing squeeze, but her father didn’t say a word so she went on. Since he seemed to be in the mood for listening to her soul-baring monologue, she might as well tell him the whole story.

  “Mom had forced me to go out with Julian, and he . . . he sort of started stalking me after that awful date. I couldn’t see a way out, so after that scary thought crossed my mind I decided I needed some time off, just to find myself again and get over those terrible feelings. I didn’t expect that holiday to change my life, but it did.”

  “But why did your mother say there was a man involved? Was she referring to Julian?”

  Alyssa shook her head. “No. Julian’s one of the reasons why I went away back then, but the reason why I’m leaving everything right now is because I fell in love with someone, and I want to be with him.” She looked up at her father through tear-filled eyes, and she smiled. “He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met, Dad, and I love him so much. He makes me feel special and loved; he loves the person I am and would never ask me to be who I’m not. While I was there, I helped him bring a calf into the world and, God, it was the most wonderful experience of my life. I felt like that was exactly what I was meant to do. I’ve always wanted to be a vet, Dad. I never wanted to study law—that was Mom’s dream, not mine.”

  “Alyssa, dreams don’t always come true, you know; your mother and I were only trying to give you a future. With her being in the business and me being influential in this city, we knew we’d be able to help you find a good job, help you have a good life, and buy nice things without worrying about money.”