She hugs everyone before we take a seat in the waiting room. The room is noisy, but none of the noise is coming from any of us. We sit quietly, in our own thoughts, and me in my own personal hell. Did I push Xander to have the surgery? Did I tell him it would prolong his life? If this doesn’t work out, am I to blame?
The doctor comes out and calls us back. He says, “We have Xander stabilized, but he’s still unconscious. The x-rays are showing there’s another tumor, and it’s pressing against his brain stem.”
Rachael stumbles.
“What does this mean?” Daniel asks.
“It means we need to operate now.”
“We can see him first, right?”
“Of course. The surgery will be in about another hour.”
We follow the doctor to Xander’s hospital room. His room isn’t just an emergency treatment room; this room reminds me of an intensive care room. He’s hooked up to more needles and machines than I could have imagined. Rachael cries. Either Xander will live, possibly with his brain and body no longer working correctly, or he’ll die. I don’t need to be reminded of the seriousness of this. These last few weeks have been tough on him; they’ve been tough on all of us. The nurses graciously provide enough chairs for everyone.
The mood is somber in the room. I knew Xander was having surgery tomorrow, but we would still have tonight together. I wasn’t counting on our time being cut short. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, to tell him. I’ll never be able to tell him with so people in the room.
Although Xander is unconscious, we all talk to him as if he’s sitting up in the bed listening to us. Rachael tells him about their plans for Christmas, and about their next summer family vacation. Drew tells him as soon as he’s up to it, they’ll have to plan a boating/ fishing trip together. Daniel tells him that as soon as he’s better, they’re going to finish building that sailboat they started when he was in high school. I remind him that he still owes me a date and I’m waiting for it. It’s not what I wanted to tell him, but there’s a room full of people and I don’t want to share my personal thoughts with anyone other than Xander.
When they come in to take Xander to surgery, we cry. We say our goodbyes, without making it sound like it’s a forever goodbye. I kiss him and hold my cheek next to his. He’s cold. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want him to have cancer. I wish this was just another one of my nightmares.
We’re escorted into the surgery waiting room where the waiting nightmare begins. We make coffee, we cry, we pace, and we wait. I don’t think anyone sleeps or rests. Rachael taps her foot quickly and continuously. A nurse comes out and updates us several times throughout the surgery. So far, so good. As long as we get good news, I can wait.
When we haven’t heard anything for a while, we all become concerned. A nurse enters the room and calls us back. He must be out of surgery. Thank God. We follow the nurse down a hall past the recovery rooms. This isn’t good. Rachael holds on to the wall for support. The doctor is waiting for us when we walk into the room. Any hope I had leaves my body and I begin to cry. The doctor doesn’t say anything right away; he doesn’t need to. Xander’s gone. He lost his battle with cancer. He didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
“I’m sorry, but we did everything we could to save him.”
It’s the sound of Rachael’s cries that force me to cover my own ears. My heart hurts for my own loss, but also for Rachael, Drew, and for Daniel’s loss. They lost a son and a brother.
“He had a seizure during the operation and we weren’t able to control it.” The doctor clears his throat and says, “In a few minutes, you can go in and say your goodbyes.” The doctor pauses again. “We’ll need to know what the arrangements are for him.”
Daniel wipes away his tears, “His wishes were to be cremated. Gallop Funeral Services will be in charge of the arrangements.”
“Thank you. We’ll make the call to their office.”
We cry and try to console each other. Even Nichole cries. I’m not sure if she’s crying for Xander, for his family, or for her own loss of her own son not long ago. Xander was taken too soon. It’s not fair. He had so much talent and love. It’s not right when a young person loses their life. It’s not supposed to be like that. You’re supposed to live to be old and die an old crabby person. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their child. I wipe away the steady flow of tears as I remember happier times with Xander.
“I’ll miss him. Xander brought happiness into my life during the short time I knew him.” I cry some more. “He was always such a gentleman,” I add.
The nurse lets Drew, Rachael, and Daniel go back and see Xander. Nichole and I wait in the private room. “I’m sorry I don’t remember Connor. I know his death was extremely hard on you.”
Nichole takes my hand. “Thank you, Ava. I’m sorry that Connor wasn’t as good to you as he should have been, but I’m glad that you have Chase and had Xander in your life.”
I smile at the thought of both of them. Even though Xander is gone, I’m very blessed to have known him. And Chase… he’s just amazing.
“Me, too.”
When it’s my turn to see Xander, I walk slowly into the room. His lifeless body lies on the bed covered only with a thin sheet. Through blurred vision I force myself to take each step as I near him. The steady stream of tears races down my cheeks, staining my face. When I finally reach Xander, I realize the truth. This isn’t a dream. Xander’s gone and he’s not ever coming back. I cry, I beg him to come back. I beg God to let him live. I promise to be better, to be nicer, to be kinder. I promise to go to church, to give weekly to the offerings, and to be a positive role model in every way. I promise to be and do all of these things if Xander can live. I know you’re not supposed to barter with God, but people don’t always think rationally at times like these. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I have so much I need to say to him. There’s so much for us to do. It wasn’t his time.
I don’t curse God for taking him too soon. I don’t question God and ask why. I sit beside Xander and kiss his cold hand. I tell him how much he meant to me, and how much I learned from him. I tell him that God brought him into my life at a perfect time, and I will be forever thankful for that. I tell him I don’t know what I’ll do without him. My days at the inn won’t be the same without him. I won’t have a good-looking man walk through the doors on a daily basis. I won’t have someone help Skylar and me carry in the groceries, or help set up breakfast with me in the morning. I’ll still have Skylar, but she isn’t Xander.
Drew, Daniel, and Rachael walk into the room and I stand. I dry my eyes, but it’s useless. The tears don’t stop. I look at Drew and he looks so much like Xander. As long as I know Drew, I’ll never have to wonder what Xander would look like as he aged. They walk slowly towards the bed. Daniel helps Rachael stand. I hug each of them and tell them how sorry I am for their loss. We cry and we hug. As sad as I am, I cannot begin to imagine their pain.
The ride home from the hospital is a somber one. Soft cries and sniffles fill the silent air. I want to be there for Xander’s family. I want to help them through this difficult time. They said his wishes were to be cremated. Will they have a memorial service for him? Will they have a ceremony where they spread his ashes someplace beautiful? Or is today the final goodbye? I’ll ask them about their plan later.
When we get to the house, Nichole is waiting for us on the front porch. She hugs everyone as they walk into the large foyer. When she hugs me she says, “Is there anything I can do?”
”I don’t think so. You being here is a big help.” It’s the truth.
Rachael makes coffee, while Drew and Daniel shower. Are they trying to wash the events of the day off their bodies? I might see if that works. I walk up to Rachael as she’s looking out the window at the ocean. Touching her arm gently I ask, “Are you all right?”
She dries her tears and offers a sad smile. “I loved him so much.” Another tear falls.
&
nbsp; I use the restroom and change Xander’s sheets before joining the family in the kitchen. They have several photo albums out and are sharing happier times with each other. Drew laughs and says, “Ava won’t be able to tell.”
This sounds like a challenge. “Tell what?” I ask as I get Nichole and me a cup of coffee.
“Who is who,” Rachael says, holding up two baby pictures.
I’ve never had a hard time telling Xander and Drew apart. I think I would know Xander anywhere, even in his younger years. “I bet I can.” I smile. I want to keep the mood going. “Line up some photos for me.” I add cream and sugar in my coffee before walking over to the table where Drew is just finishing setting some photos on the table of him and Xander from birth to adulthood. I look at Drew, Rachael, and Daniel who are all smiling, although their eyes are still laced with sadness. I focus my attention back on the photos. Setting my coffee cup down away from the pictures, I start sorting through them. The ones on the right are Xander, and the ones on the left are of Drew. There are only a couple of pictures I’m not completely sure about, but I think I’m mostly correct in identifying the twins.
“Done,” I announce proudly.
I wait for someone to move some pictures around but no one does. Everyone laughs and it confirms that I can tell the identical twins apart even as newborns. “She did better than you did, Daniel.” Rachael laughs softly. “I used to have to put different-colored socks on the boys when they were born so Daniel wouldn’t get them mixed up.”
“Really? I know they are identical, but I can tell a difference.” Xander is much better looking. Of course I keep that information to myself. “Xander told me that the girls you dated in high school couldn’t tell you two apart.”
“They couldn’t. We were idiots to date someone like that. Of course, back then, it was fun.” Drew looks sad. “I’m gonna miss him. He was the best brother I ever could have had.”
The happy mood turns somber. “He was pretty amazing.”
“Thank you. He thought very highly of you, Ava,” Daniel says.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “He helped me through a very hard time in my life.”
“He went to Savannah when he found out his cancer had grown.” Wait? What? “We think he went there to die.” Tears fall when I listen to Daniel talk about Xander. He went there to die? Did he give up all hope? “He found you and found a new reason to live. The last few months were truly his happiest he’s ever been and we owe that to you.”
“Your son was easy to like. He was easy to be around.” I smile with fondness. “I wish I had met him sooner, and had known him longer. Xander was pretty amazing.”
“Thank you, Ava.”
I brush away the tears. “Do you know if there will be a memorial service?”
Daniel and Rachael look at each other. “Xander didn’t mention anything. He said he wanted to be cremated immediately. He didn’t want his family mourning over his soulless body.”
Daniel says, “That reminds me. I need to call Wesley so he can set up a press conference. Xander’s readers will need to know of his passing. I mean of Jami Alexander’s passing.”
Drew says, “Once word leaks about his passing, people will be coming from everywhere to pay their respects for the famous author Jami Alexander.”
“You’re right,” Nichole says. “I don’t think you’ll be able to hide his identity.”
Daniel says, “We’ve always been pretty modest about Xander’s writing, but in all reality, his book sales have been anything but modest.”
I remember when I first learned that Xander was Jami. It was when Carla Jo Dean was in the tea room.
“He’s a big deal for sure,” I confirm.
The next morning, Daniel turns the television on CNN News. The headline reads, “New York Times Best-Selling Author Jami Alexander Loses Battle with Cancer.”
Drew says, “Maybe they won’t link Xander with Jami. He’s done an excellent job hiding his identity.”
Daniel says, “That’s Wesley calling now.”
My phone rings, it’s Skylar. I stand and walk out of the room and say, “Hey, Skylar.”
Skylar
“I just heard. Is it true that Xander died?”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Are you all right?”
“I’m sad, we’re all sad.”
“Xander was a great guy, he’ll be missed for sure.”
“Yeah, he was and he will.”
“Hey, I hate to bring this up, but have you seen the news?”
“We just turned it on, why?”
“Ava, your boyfriend’s a rock star.”
I can hear her laugh through the phone, “What do you mean?”
“He’s trending today on social media. He’s the most tweeted, and his new book is the most pre-ordered. He’s everywhere. Everyone’s talking about him, I mean her.”
“Has anyone mentioned him at the inn?”
“No, not yet. It’s just a matter of time.”
“Can I call you back?”
“Sure.”
He didn’t want the guests to learn that Xander was the famous author Jami Alexander. Claire and I are still in mourning over his death, but we are in shock over the celebrity status the news is giving him.
“I have to wonder, when someone dies, do they automatically become more famous?”
“I don’t think so. I think Xander was just down to earth, and it was hard to imagine his fame and fortune when someone is so much like us.”
“His whole family is amazing. He’ll surely be missed.” I smile at the fond memories of Xander, Ava, and me.
“Are there any other authors in their family?” Claire asks.
I have to think. “I don’t recall ever asking about it or Ava ever mentioning it. Maybe the dad, I’m not sure. Ava’s the reader more than I am, she would know.”
“I was just wondering.”
Later that night, Claire and I are in the kitchen. “What are you in the mood for?” she asks.
Without hesitation I say, “Fried chicken, homemade noodles with white flour, mashed potatoes made with real butter, and blackberry pie with homemade crust.” She laughs and I feel the need to clarify. “With Xander being sick and having to eat healthy, we didn’t eat the foods I just mentioned. I would love nothing more than some fattening, Southern home cooking.”
“It’s obvious that you don’t eat that unhealthy all the time, so I’d say, let’s go for it.”
“It’s not nice to tease a hungry girl.”
Looking around the kitchen she says, “I’ll make the noodles; you go to the store and get some fryers and some fresh blackberries.”
“You’re serious?”
She opens some cabinets looking for something. “Yes, but you better hurry. A meal like this will take some time to make.”
Running to get my purse and my car keys, I say, “Claire, I freaking love you.”
I run through the store grabbing junk food I’ve craved, but refused to buy. Caramel squares, Hershey’s candy bars, chocolate-covered cherries. I also buy the fresh berries and fryers Claire asked for. Of course, berries are one of the healthiest foods you can eat, so maybe I should eat two slices of berry pie. I add a few bags of chips and pretzels to complete my carb purchase. If I binge eat on carbs, I should do it right. I have only until Ava gets home to eat all the junk food I can. She eats healthy and wants everyone around her to as well. I get that, and I try to follow her example, but I’m not disciplined like Ava. I need my sweets and salty food sometimes. I need my adult beverages sometimes, too. Maybe more than one. Wine, I need wine. If the choice is between no wine plus a perfect weight versus wine plus five pounds overweight, I choose wine plus five pounds overweight. I shop for wine before checking out.
I rush home where Claire is making homemade egg noodles. I unload my groceries on the counter where she smiles at my unorthodox purchase. It’s unusual to some, but to me, it was a perfect shopping trip. I open some wine and pour us each a glass.
I also open a bag of pretzels to snack on while we cook. I play a little Christmas music as I start to wash the berries for the pie. We talk about Ava and wonder when she’ll be home. I also talk about Xander and how sad we are at losing him. Between washing the berries and cleaning the chicken, I text Drew.
Skylar: Just thinking about you. I am so heartbroken over your loss. Xander was a great guy and he will be missed. I hope you and your family are doing okay under the circumstances.
Drew: Thank you. It’ll take time, but I think we’ll be okay.
I think about calling him, but then I don’t want to bother him and his family. I know they are grieving.
While making dinner, Claire and I drink wine and sing along to the Christmas carols on the radio. It’s a temporary fix of feeling the devastating loss of Xander. It isn’t until I go to bed that I have time to let his death sink into my soul. He’s never coming back. Xander will never walk through those doors again. It’s a sad truth. I honestly believed that he would be okay. My focus is now on Ava. Will she be okay? How will she deal with his loss? I want to call her but it’s late.
Skylar: Just lying here thinking about you.
Ava: Everything smells of him.
Skylar: You’re in his bed?
Ava: I wanted to be close to him.
Skylar: I’m sorry.
Ava: Thank you.
Skylar: Try to get some sleep. Xoxo
Ava: Goodnight. Xoxo
Claire and I work well together, but I miss Ava. When she and Drew pull up into the driveway during the afternoon tea, I’m thrilled. I leave Claire and run to the door. I’m not sure whom I’m happier to see: Ava or Drew. It’s Ava, of course. They both look sad and I rush over to Ava first as I smile at Drew as I walk past him. If he’s any kind of a man, he’ll understand my bond with my best friend. I hug her and kiss her on her cheek. She cries into my shirt and I let her. I smooth her long dark hair out of the way and speak softly into her ear. “It’s all right.” I hear the screen door shut and I know Claire is right behind me. She says something to Drew, and I feel better knowing someone is there for him. I slowly release my hold on Ava.
Living for Today Page 10