The Grip of Film

by Richard Ayoade

  pummeling, pointlessly, 1

  pump of memory, perfect bicycle, 1

  pumps, philosophy of, 1

  punch, gut, 1

  PURE CINEMA, 1

  QUICKLY ASSEMBLING SNIPER RIFLES, 1

  QUITTING, 1

  RACIAL STEREOTYPES, NAMES INTENDED TO EVOKE, 1

  RAMPAGES, ASS-KICKING, 1

  RAPE, FUN WAYS TO THREATEN, 1

  ratio, mass to ass, 1

  Raw Deal, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  REALITY, 1

  Red Scorpion, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  Red Sonja, 1

  RED TAPE, FUCK-OFF BIG BOW OF, 1

  Reed, Carol, 1

  RELATABILITY, 1

  RELIEF, COMIC, 1

  RELUCTANCE, 1

  RESCUE, 1

  RESCUE, LEVELS OF ATTRACTIVENESS REQUIRED FOR, 1

  RESPONSIBILITY, TRY TAKING SOME, 1

  Revenant, The, 1

  REVIVIFICATION, ACCURATELY COSTING, 1

  Reynolds, Burty, 1, 2

  rhino, baby, 1, 2, 3

  Rice, Timmy, 1

  Ritchie, Guy, 1

  Road House, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

  RoboCop, 1

  ROCK BOTTOM, 1

  Rocky, 1, 2

  Rosemary’s Baby, 1, 2

  ROUND-THE-CORNER SWEET PIECES, 1

  Russell, Kurt, 1

  sacs, lacrimal, 1

  sadness, overwhelming feelings of, 1

  Sandler, Adam, 1, 2

  SCALPING DOS AND DON’TS, 1

  Schwarzenegger, Arnold, 1

  SCIENCE FICTION, 1

  scorpions, 1, 2, 3

  Scott, Ridley, 1

  SCUMBAGS, VARIOUS, 1

  Seagal, Steven, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23

  SEAGAL, THE COMPLETE WORKS OF STEVEN, 1

  SEAGAL, THE INEVITABLE AND COMPLETE VINDICATION OF STEVEN, 1

  SEAGAL, THE INSANITY OF NOT CASTING STEVEN, 1

  SECRET AGENTS, 1

  SELF-LOVE, 1

  self-regard, using time travel to validate, 1

  SELF-RESTRAINT, HEROIC, 1

  Selleck, Tommy, 1

  semi, getting a, 1

  SEMIS, IMPORTANCE OF GIVING THE AUDIENCE, 1

  SEÑORITAS, SMOKIN’, 1

  serpent, mechanical sea, 1

  Sesame Street, 1

  SETTING, 1

  SEX, 1

  SEX, DE FACTO NO HARM/NO FOUL RULE FOR UNDERCOVER EXTRAMARITAL, 1

  SHAKING HANDS, 1

  shares, bleach, 1

  shit, bunch of old, 1

  shit, choppy as, 1

  shit, cold as old, 1

  shit, commie piece of, 1

  shit, made-up, 1

  shit, piece of, 1

  shit, slow as, 1

  shit, solitary, 1

  shit, stirring, 1

  shit, stopping, 1

  shit, terse as, 1

  shit, this, 1

  shit, tough as, 1

  shit, wearing a ponytail w/out anyone giving you, 1

  shit, yellow piece of, 1

  SHOW, DON’T TELL, 1

  SHOWERS OF SPARKS, 1

  shrug, powdery flesh concertinaing w/each involuntary, 1

  SILENCERS AFFIXED TO THE TOP OF RIFLES, 1

  Silent Rage, 1

  situations, maintaining adequate clutch control in near-death, 1

  Six Bullets, 1

  SKIN, 1

  SLADIC (South Los Angeles Drop-In Center), 1, 2

  SLAPPING DOS AND DON’TS, 1

  SLUGGING, 1

  sluicing, 1

  SLUT, 1

  SNIVELING, 1

  snort, ugly place-holder, 1

  SNOW, HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE NATURE OF MOUTH, 1

  SOFT ASS, UNDESIRABILITY OF, 1

  SON OF A BITCH, 1

  SONS OF BITCHES, PENPUSHIN’, 1

  Sorkin, Aaron, 1

  SOUNDTRACK, 1

  SPACE JARGON, 1

  SPEAKING VOLUMES, 1

  SPIRITS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE, IMPRESSIVENESS OF THE HERO’S ABILITY TO DRINK, 1

  sports drink, jumbo, 1

  sports nozzle, increasingly nondirectional, 1

  sports sandals, 1

  spring onions, 1

  squad, Ayoade’s management, 1

  squirty cream, 1

  squits, 1

  STAGING, 1

  Stallone, Sylvester, 1

  STANDING UP SLOWLY TO REVEAL SOMEONE’S TRUE HEIGHT, 1

  Star Wars, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Starr, Ringo, 1

  state governor, unfeeling cyborg, 1

  Statham, Jason, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Stepford Wives, The, 1

  STEVE MCQUEEN LOOKING SEXY AS SHIT WITH A GUN HOLSTER AND POLO NECK, 1

  Stone, Sharon, 1

  STOP, 1

  stories, mice deprived of, 1

  STORY, 1

  SULTRY WOMEN, SELFLESS LUST-SLAKING OF, 1

  SURVEILLANCE, PROS AND CONS OF BATHROOM, 1

  SUSPENSE, 1

  SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF, 1

  SUSPICIOUS NATIVE, THE, 1

  Swayze, Patrick, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

  SWEET KARATE KICKS, 1

  TAGLINES, 1

  Tai, Mai, 1

  Taken trilogy, the, 1

  TAKING PUNCHES FROM HYSTERICAL WOMEN, 1

  talking, letting your torso do the, 1

  tarpaulin, rancid, 1

  Terminator, The, 1, 2, 3

  THANKING THE HERO, IMPORTANCE OF, 1

  THANKS, 1

  Third Man, The, 1

  THOUGHT, 1

  threat, pinko, 1

  THREE-ACT STRUCTURE, 1

  THREE-FINGER THROAT-RIP KILLS, 1

  throat, love’s open, 1

  TIME, 1

  Timecop, 1, 2

  TIMING, 1

  tit, bonus, 1

  Titanic, 1

  TITLES, 1

  TITS, 1

  tits, talkative as, 1

  Tokarev, 1, 2

  TOPLESSNESS, 1

  torso, stacked and hairy, 1

  TORSO HAIR, 1

  torturers, scumbag, 1

  Total Recall, 1, 2

  TOTALING, 1

  TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER, HIGH-LEVEL ASS-KICKS OF A, 1

  TOWEL RACKS, 1

  TPPOISTRES (Time-Proven Principles of Infinite Scope that Resist Easy Summation), 1

  TRAINING MONTAGES, 1

  trouser press, hydraulic, 1

  TRUST, 1

  T-shirt, tighty whitey, 1

  turd, subway system made of, 1

  turds, colossal, 1

  TURNING OFF A TESSERACT (TO PREVENT ITS DESTRUCTION), 1

  TWO-STAGE BAR BRIBES, 1

  typist, Ayoade as glorified, 1

  UK FILM, 1

  unicorn, fiery (in vision), 1

  valet parking, Caucasian, 1

  VALET PARKING, QUESTIONABILITY OF CAUCASIANS’ ABILITY TO SUCCESSFULLY PERFORM, 1

  Van Damme, Jean-Claude, 1, 2, 3, 4

  VERBAL MODES OF ASSENT, HERO’S PREFERRED, 1

  View from the Top, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  VILLAINS, 1

  VIOLENCE + TITS = BUSINESS, 1

  vomit, 1, 2, 3

  waffles, 1, 2

  waist, womanish, 1

  Walken, Christopher, 1, 2

  wallopers, transfixing power of, 1

  Walter the Nameless Publisher, 1

  Washington, Denzel, 1, 2

  wasp, French, 1

  WATER-SOLUBLE REMORSE, 1

  waters, uniquely salty, 1

  WEEPING, UGLY/SNOTTY, 1

  WELCOME DEATH OF THE SARCASTIC, THE, 1

  well, engorged, 1

  What Happens in Vegas, 1

  What to Expect When You’re Expecting, 1

  Whedon, Joss, 1

  WHEN VS WHETHER, 1

  WHITE, SILENT ASS, 1

  White Chicks, 1

  Whole Foods, 1

  WHY ME WAILS, 1

&
nbsp; Willis, Bruce, 1, 2, 3

  wind, carcinogenic movie, 1

  WIND, CHRONIC, 1

  wipes, wet, 1

  WISECRACKS, 1

  Wogan, Terry, 1

  woman, highly strung hot, 1

  WOMANLY SHRILLNESS, 1

  WOMANLY WEAKNESS, 1

  WOMEN, 1

  WOMEN, ALL, 1

  women, feisty yet vulnerable, 1

  WOMEN, MOODY, 1

  women, shadowy cabal of, 1

  WOMEN IN CLINGY DRESSES STEPPING OUT OF SEXY CARS, 1

  Wood, Ronnie, 1

  WORD, GIVING IT, 1

  WORDPLAY, 1

  WORDS, WHY USE, 1

  WORK, 1

  WOW, BEING LIKE, 1

  WRITING FROM YOUR ASS, 1

  xenophobia, soothing balm of, 1

  Yamaha (w/r/t stereotypes), 1

  Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, 1

  YOUR MOMMA’S HYMEN, IMPORTANCE OF RESPECT VIS-À-VIS, 1

  Zeus, 1, 2

  ZONES YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE COMFORT FROM, 1

  * BOLD CAPS indicate a chapter heading. NON-BOLD CAPS indicate a deleted chapter heading – Ayo.

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  CREDITS

  Quotations appear in the text from the screenplays of the following films:

  Raw Deal (1986), story by Luciano Vincenzoni and Sergio Donati; screenplay by Gary DeVore and Norman Wexler.

  Fire Down Below (1997), story by Jeb Stuart; screenplay by Jeb Stuart and Philip Morton.

  Lawrence of Arabia (1962), screenplay by Robert Bolt and Michael Wilson, based on Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T. E. Lawrence.

  Road House (1989), story by R. Lance Hill (as David Lee Henry); screenplay by R. Lance Hill (as David Lee Henry) and Hilary Henkin.

  3 Days to Kill (2014), story by Luc Besson; screenplay by Adi Hasak and Luc Besson.

  Timecop (1994), story by Mark Verheiden; screenplay by Mark Verheiden and Mike Richardson, based on Timecop by Mike Richardson and Mark Verheiden.

  The Avengers (2012), story by Zak Penn and Joss Whedon; screenplay by Joss Whedon, based on The Avengers by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. (In the passage titled ‘ACTORS, AMATEUR’, the line ‘Loki, turn off the Tesseract or I’ll destroy it’ is also from The Avengers.)

  The Revenant (2015), screenplay by Mark L. Smith and Alejandro G. Iñárritu, based on The Revenant by Michael Punke.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Richard Ayoade is a writer and director. In addition to directing and co-writing Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, he has adapted and directed Joe Dunthorne’s novel Submarine for the screen, and is the co-writer (with Avi Korine) and director of the film The Double. As an actor, he is best known for his roles as Dean Learner in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace and as Maurice Moss in the Emmy Award-winning The IT Crowd, for which he was awarded a BAFTA for Best Performance in a Comedy.

  BY SORT OF THE SAME AUTHOR

  Ayoade on Ayoade: A Cinematic Odyssey

  COPYRIGHT

  First published in the UK in 2017

  by Faber & Faber Ltd

  Bloomsbury House

  74–77 Great Russell Street

  London WC1B 3DA

  This ebook edition first published in 2017

  All rights reserved

  © Richard Ayoade, 2017

  Cover design by Timba Smits

  The right of Richard Ayoade to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  ISBN 978–0–571–31657–1