by A. J. Downey
“L.B. please look at me.” His tone was a bit annoyed. I didn’t care.
I forced my smile bigger and handed Hal his drink, then the man beside Evan his and finally, Evan. He took the drink with one hand the other clasped loosely around my wrist.
“London, please…” the desperation in his voice caused me to look up sharply.
“What Evan? What could you possibly want?” I demanded.
“I want to fix this.” He said harshly.
“Haven’t you done enough already?” I snapped and he flinched.
“Dorian.” He said.
“What?” I asked.
“My name is Dorian.” He said. I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah I know, my classmate who sold me out to the reporters told me.” My tone was icy bordering on hateful. He grimaced.
“Let me explain…” he licked his lips and I arched my brow.
“Just sit down and listen.” He said pulling me forward. I switched seats, following the insistent pull on my wrist, shoulders dropping in defeat.
“Eva… Dorian,” I corrected, “Just how many chances do you expect me to give you?” I asked.
“Just one more babe, please…” and it must have been the please because I swallowed hard but made no commitment one way or the other.
“I’ll tell you everything.” He breathed.
“Start talking.” I pinned him with an angry stare.
“Drake and I, we grew up together. His grandparents raised him… and me too for the most part. I mean I was with my parents but they were a mess.” He grimaced.
“Drake was like a brother from another mother in the truest sense of the words. His grandparents even took me in for a while, let me live with them from my sophomore through senior years in High School when shit fell apart at home with my folks.” He palmed the back of his neck and I waited for him to go on.
“It was me and Drake since the time we were three…” he took a fortifying drink and downed half of the glass in one go.
“We put Elysium together in High School, played out of Hal’s garage.” Hal smiled.
“Those were the days.” Hal said, raising his glass and fondness flickered across his face before something haunted drowned it out in the depths of his clear blue eyes. My eyes flicked to the third man in the booth. He sat with his arms crossed and was staring at me like he didn’t like me much. I blinked.
What the Hell had I done?
“Then we went big and it all just happened so fast… Touring and photographers in our faces and no privacy… more money than we knew what to do with. At first it was great but Drake, he was never happy and the more attention we got the worse he got and I didn’t know what to do.” He drained his glass and I poured him a glass of water. He looked at me dubiously.
“I’m still listening, but damn it you’re going to tell me sober.” He took the glass and put his straw into it and sucked a good deal of that down.
“Yeah well he may have to tell it sober but I don’t have to listen to it sober.” The man whose name I didn’t know clunked his glass onto the table. I made him another Moscow Mule and took up Evan’s hand without thinking. He restarted his story:
“I went over to his place because he’d missed some days at the studio with us. He’d done it before but something just wasn’t right this time. Something in my gut was telling me it was all wrong. I found him hanging from his second floor banister.” He choked and his face scrunched in agony and I could feel my anger slipping. I put my other hand over his where it rested in mine.
He looked down at our joined hands and this look crossed his face that was half incredulous and half wonder. He recovered quickly.
“I snapped. I just wanted to be normal again. I felt like if we’d never gone big that Drake wouldn’t have… That he would still be alive.” He grimaced. I pursed my lips and struggled to remain silent, to let him tell his story. Hal shifted in his seat and the other man looked grim. I think they all had similar thoughts on it at one time or another. I squeezed Evan’s hand and waited patiently for him to pick up his story.
“I packed all my shit I had left from before the madness into a box truck, rented that shitty studio and pulled out. I wanted to disappear and so I did.” He palmed the back of his neck with his free hand.
“The night I moved in there was this girl.” He pinned me with his gaze and gave me a crooked smile.
“The box holding, of all things, my porn collection, gave way and without even thinking about it here she is on her knees shoveling my spank material into her freaking grocery bags.”
I laughed a little.
“Then later she took my picture…” he scowled and looked at me. “I thought you were the Pap’s that you’d caught up with me but then I saw you standing there blushing looking all embarrassed and I couldn’t yell at you.” He swallowed some water and closed his eyes.
“I gotta piss.” He said and I wrinkled my nose.
“Attractive.” I stated.
“Stay here? Let me finish?” he pleaded. I nodded. I could hear him out.
He got up and went the direction of the VIP toilets.
“You know you’ve caused a Hell of a mess don’t yah?” the unknown man said.
“Carl, I’d shut the fuck up if I were you.” Hal said, he gave me a sideways little smile that I think was meant to be reassuring.
“I’ve caused a mess? I’ve caused a mess!? Just who the Hell do you think you are?” I demanded. I’d had just about enough bullshit for the time being. I stood up.
“L.B. come on sit down…” Hal said.
“My name is London!” I snapped.
“London…” he said calmly, “This is Carl, he’s the band’s manager but if he doesn’t shut the fuck up in the next ten seconds he’s going to be the band’s ex-manager.” Hal glared at the man.
“I miss something?” Dorian was returning looking from me to Hal.
“Just Carl being Carl.” Hal grunted. Dorian glared at the seated man.
“He say something to upset you?” he asked me.
“Just that I’ve apparently caused a mess.” I crossed my arms.
“No babe, you cleaned one up.” Dorian gestured and I sat down. He sat down beside me, his thigh along the length of mine and I closed my eyes for a second.
He smiled at me a little and it reminded me of a little boy who thought he was getting one over on his parents. I scowled. He rushed on, picking up his story where he left off.
“So I was headed out to buy a metric fuck ton of drugs so I could follow my brother into the great beyond when I open the door and there’s the girl standing there with a plate of cookies in one hand and a glass thing of milk in the other.” He pinned me with a stare and I blinked, his words sinking in. Hal and Carl looked equally stunned by the admission.
“I blew past her, was pretty much a total dick to her, but you know what? I got back with the drugs and there’s this plate of fucking cookies sitting on my doorstep. I went into my apartment and stared at this plate of god damned cookies and this pile of pills looking from one to the other for I don’t know… hours?” He picked up my hand and smoothed his thumb over the back over and over again. His hands were cold. Damp from having washed them.
“I ate a cookie and it was the best mother fucking cookie I had ever tasted. I ended up flushing the drugs.” He stared at me and I stared back at him.
“I don’t understand…” I said.
“I didn’t either.” He said.
“Why’d you choose the cookies?” I asked and it was too soft over the thump and thrum of the music.
“What?” he asked.
“Why did you choose the cookies?” I asked louder, and even Hal and Carl were leaning in to hear the answer.
“It was the damnedest thing I swear to God I heard Drake say ‘Have a fuggin’ cookie’ like he used to say when we were kids before sliding a pack across the counter at me. I stuffed a cookie in my mouth and lost my shit. I cried like a baby and didn’t stop crying. I ate ev
ery god damn cookie on the plate and flushed the drugs.”
“When I saw you by the tree I didn’t plan on asking you to dinner. I was just so pissed, so angry I wanted to be an ass to you. I wanted to make you hurt like I was hurting I felt all out of control but the next thing I knew I was asking you to dinner instead of what I wanted to do which was make you hurt as much as I was hurting.” He looked embarrassed.
“Yeah and that went remarkably well.” I rolled my eyes and smiled, he smiled back.
“You put up with a lot more from me than that but it was like I was hooked. I thought about you all the time after that and with everything happening with Drake, it twisted me up inside. I wanted to spend time with you, let you in but…” he scrubbed his face with his hands and sat back. I handed him his water and he finished it off.
I fixed him another Moscow Mule.
“Thanks.” He took a sip.
“I started drinking to drown out the hurt and confusion.” He stated.
“Really, I hadn’t noticed.” I said sardonically.
“Yeah, cue my next little misadventure.” He grimaced. We sat quietly for a minute.
“What was his next misadbenture?” Carl asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
“He showed up drunk on my doorstep, thought my apartment was his. When I came home and unlocked the door he made himself at home. Went right on in and passed out in my bed.” Carl looked at me dubiously.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“Stole his keys and apartment swapped.” I answered and his eyebrows went up.
“Hey I could have called the cops!” I crossed my arms and he thought about it and finally said.
“Thanks for not… that would have been a hell of a PR nightmare.” He gave me a grudging nod.
“That’s still not the worst thing I did.” Dorian grimaced.
“The blonde?” I guessed and he nodded, then shook his head but went ahead with an explanation anyways.
“She recognized me.” He said, “I took her home figuring that if the booze could erase the pain that maybe I could erase you with her.” He stopped talking and grimaced.
“As unflattering as it is, I get what you’re saying… Go on.” He looked at me.
“I’m so sorry London, fuck I told you that you deserved better than…” I put a hand on his knee and squeezed.
“Shut up with the apologies Dorian, I’ve heard them from you before, remember? Right now the only thing I’m interested in is the truth. All of it.” he straightened as if I’d slapped him and nodded. I felt like a bitch but my anger abated just a little. Hal raised his eyebrows and Carl actually looked a little impressed. I glared at them too.
“Right, so I went home and there you were at your door and you looked… Fuck you looked so perfect, warm and inviting and like this angel sent from God and I don’t know what I was thinking.” He grimaced.
“Likely not with your big head.” I said dryly.
“Like I told you, I got her upstairs and I couldn’t do it.” he fisted his hands in his hair.
“You were too far into my system by then and I just didn’t know what to do with any of it.” He reached up gently to peel the mask from my face I pulled back.
“Don’t.” I said too softly to be heard, fearfully scanning the area for my boss Jay. I saw him standing near the bar arms crossed, watching the proceedings over here. He waved a hand and nodded that it was okay. I blinked.
“How much are you paying him?” I asked.
“You don’t want to know.” Carl grunted.
I fixed him his third drink and Hal’s second.
Dorian reached out and detached the mask with a gentle tug when I settled.
“I want to see you.” He stated. I sighed.
“That’s the trouble Dorian… You’ve seen all of me.” My shoulders slumped and he sighed.
“I know, and that’s the worst thing by far… I wanted what you gave me to never end.” He said. “You took me away from all of the bullshit. Drake, the media, obsessive fans… You put me back together, made me remember what it was to be normal. You were good to me, good for me, didn’t want anything from me and I just wasn’t ready to give that up and I knew once I came clean that it would just dry up and blow away.” I blinked at him.
“Dorian the only thing I ever wanted from you was the truth from you! Okay sure, I didn’t ask much but I wanted honesty and something real from you! Not this farce! Jesus! A man burst into my class room and demanded to know if I was a virgin when the rock star fucked me! He asked me if it hurt! Who does that!? My whole life is one inside out mess because of you now!” I covered my face with my hands as his expression grew angry.
“Carl…” he said and the band manager’s cell phone appeared in his hand. He squeezed past Hal and went for the exit.
“Shit L.B. I’m sorry. You wouldn’t talk to me.” He pried my hands from my face with gentle fingers around my wrists. I looked at him and the look wasn’t friendly.
“I honestly had no intention of saying anything about you in that interview. When she asked me about the tattoo… I don’t know it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I fucked up! I didn’t think past the immediate and it fucked you over. I just didn’t want to lose you and it was a crazy last ditch effort to get you to hear me.” He looked miserable and I grimaced.
We were all silent for a long time, finally he searched my face and said,
“Let me take you home.” I nodded. I didn’t want to be here anymore. Hal got up and nodded to Dorian. I got up and he followed just behind me, hands on my hips as we threaded through the crowd.
“You alright kid?” Jay asked falling into step beside me.
“Yeah I just want to go home.” I said.
“Yeah okay. You want me to call you a cab?” he asked. I looked from Jay to Dorian and back.
“No, that’s okay. Dorian will take me.” His real name still felt so foreign on my tongue.
“You sure?” he checked one last time. I pursed my lips and nodded.
“Okay Isaac has your back.” He told me then turned to Dorian, “You keep those mongrels off her; she’s a good kid.” He pointed a finger into Dorian’s face. I rolled my eyes, Jay was barely five years older than me yet still had a thing about calling me ‘kid’ but right now I appreciated that he was treating me like a protective older brother.
We exited the building, Isaac and the rest of the security team keeping the crush of people to either side off the red carpet running to the curb. Dorian tucked my head against his chest and covered my face with his arm as we shuffled forward. He shoved me into the back of the waiting limo as people called out and flashbulbs blinded behind us.
Dorian climbed in after me and settled in next to me. Carl and Hal sat across from us. Isaac slammed the door shut with a grimace and knocked twice on the roof of the car. We pulled smoothly away from the curb and left all the excitement behind. All four of us exhaled in unison and then nervously laughed at one another.
Chapter 18
“Doesn’t get much more real than that.” Hal remarked dryly, eyes twinkling.
“I guess not.” I said softly and looked out the window.
“So now what?” Carl asked and he looked tired.
“Did you get it?” Dorian asked. I startled when his thumb grazed along my own and looked down to see our fingers intertwined. His hand was warm in mine and my heart ached.
“Yeah I got it. Lawyers are already working on it.” Carl was saying.
“Working on what?” I asked.
“Taking whatever legal action they can against the guy that crashed your class.” Hal said.
I looked at each of their faces in turn.
“You’d do that?” I blurted.
Hal and Carl exchanged looks.
“With pleasure.” The dour man said.
“Yeah sweetheart. That wasn’t cool.” Hal finished.
I looked over into Dorian’s intense green gaze.
“Babe there isn’t a damn thing
on God’s green earth that I wouldn’t do for you. Don’t you get that yet?” he asked and I bowed my head and turned to look out the window.
“I just wanted to be like my dad.” I whispered.
“Yeah what’d he do?” Hal asked.
“Photo journalist for Nat Geo until…” I stopped myself, Dorian squeezed my hand.
“You have your heart set on Nat Geo?” he asked with a grin. I frowned.
“No.” I said, perplexed and the three of them traded conspiratorial looks. We got onto the highway and I searched Dorian’s face.
“So whose home are we going to?” I asked in a moment of insight. His face split into a grin.
“Mine.” He said. I looked out the window as we got onto the highway and debated with myself.
I could see his reflection in the tinted glass over my shoulder. His brow furrowed with concern I saw the fear and the hurt and endless apologies reflected in the depths of his eyes and I decided then and there that I had one last chance in me for Evan Lake after all.
“Fine.” I said and his shoulders relaxed marginally. His hand tightened around mine and I turned to look him in the eye.
“I don’t know where this is going, or who you really are but I’m giving you one last chance.” I said.
“Babe, Evan Lake, Dorian Metzger, it’s always been me. The same person. This is just a different setting.” He palmed the back of his neck and I nodded slowly. I suppose that made sense.
Hal was beaming at me and I caught him mouthing ‘Thank you’ out of the corner of my eye. Carl was messing around on his phone doing God knows what as we sped onward to the rich west end suburbs with their perfectly manicured lawns and wrought iron fenced grounds.
We pulled up into a circular drive in front of a large house. Dorian got the door and helped me out of the car. He shut the door behind him waved at the driver and the limousine pulled smoothly back down the driveway, the iron gates sliding closed behind it.
We went into the house and I looked around and tried not to look impressed.
“Do you forgive me?” he asked. I hung my head, my hair curtaining my face.
“I’m trying to but finding out all of it was lies… that hurt worse than anything else you’d done before.” I whispered.