Given Time

by Anthony Burn

  I couldn’t concentrate for the next few days. Every time I tried to get on with my work, I pictured his wonderful, smiling face. His beautiful deep blue eyes. I lay awake for hours each night, dreaming of him. I dreamed he whisked me away to somewhere warm and exotic. He made love to me night and day. We rolled in pristine white sand. We kissed and caressed as gentle warm waves washed over us. We strolled under swaying palm trees at midnight. It was perfect. I was knackered for work on the following day, but I didn’t care. I knew it was a fantasy. With the way I’d looked when we’d met, he couldn’t possibly have fancied me. But it was a good fantasy.

  Then the following week, all my dreams came true. He phoned me on the Tuesday and asked me out to lunch. He said something about helping him with some art, but that didn’t matter to me. I was glad to help. But all I really cared about was seeing him again. I’d been planning to phone him later in the week, using the pretext of asking if he was happy with the piece he bought. I’d thought of saying we’d got some more paintings, that might be of interest to him. Maybe I could persuade him to come back to see them.

  This was so much better. It was almost like a date. He wanted to take me out that day and I was dying to say yes. I couldn’t wait to see him. But this time I wanted to look my best. I was having kittens that I might scare him off. But I took a chance and asked if we could make it the next day. My heart sang when he agreed. I rushed home after work and spent the whole evening preparing. I put on three honey masks to fade my freckles. I soaked in the bath and washed my hair. I shaved my legs and underarms. I plucked my eyebrows. I trimmed and painted my fingernails and toenails. Then I spent nearly two hours trying on my clothes. I wanted to look smart, but not like I was going to a business meeting. I wanted to look sexy, but not like a tart. By the time I was ready for bed, I’d narrowed it down to two outfits.

  I woke up extra early the next morning. I was awake even before the alarm, which I’d put back an hour just to be sure. I was too nervous and excited to eat, but I managed to force down some dry toast with my coffee. I didn’t want to be starving by lunch time. I imagined the embarrassment of my stomach growling at the table. I made myself eat another slice.

  I washed my face and straightened my hair. I tried it in three different styles before I was happy. I took half an hour to put on my make-up. Then I changed my hairstyle again. I put on my clothes and looked in the mirror. I nodded to myself, happy with the result. I quickly changed into the other outfit and checked again. Much better. I looked myself up and down. I twisted to see the back. This was definitely the one. I frowned and changed back again. I really liked this look.

  The trouble was I didn’t know if he would. I wondered if I’d got anything better in my wardrobe. I checked the time on my phone and that answered the question. There was no time to choose anything else. If I didn’t go right now, I was going to be late for work. I quickly changed into the second outfit and rushed out to the station.

  The morning dragged. I tried to get on with my work but I kept stopping to check the time. Each time I did, I realised the gap between the checks was getting shorter and shorter. I tried telling myself not to be so stupid. It was only a meeting, not a date. It didn’t help. I just got more nervous about seeing him. I so wanted to make a good impression. I wanted him to want to see me again.

  Lunchtime finally came and I was a wreck. I wasn’t sure if I could put three coherent words together, I was so nervous. I raced to the bathroom just before he was due and tried to pull myself together. I checked myself in the mirror. My hair was wrong. It was much too fussy. I pulled it down and clipped the front strands with a bow at the back. No, that was much worse! I hadn’t got time to do anything else with it. And now I wished I’d kept the other outfit on too. I wanted to cry. He was probably already waiting. I was going to mess it all up. I was going to make an idiot of myself.

  I don’t know what I’d been so worried about. He smiled at me. I gazed into those mesmerising eyes and all the panic disappeared. I totally forgot about my hair and clothes. All I could think about was losing myself in those beautiful blue orbs. I was so taken in, I almost tripped over my hello. When he spoke he put me completely at ease. It was as though I’d known him for years. I felt as relaxed as I had at our first meeting. Or at least as you can be when you’re filled with yearning and desire.

  Lunch was wonderful. I had never been to such a posh restaurant. I couldn’t work out if it was usual for him, or whether he was trying to impress me. Secretly I hoped it was the latter. If that was the case then he’d definitely won.

  We chatted as if we were old friends. He laughed when I teased him, and he gave as good as he got. I didn’t feel any need to keep up my guard. I opened up to him completely. I was sure he did the same, and I began to believe this could develop into more than friendship. Definitely more than a business meeting.

  Then out of the blue he was offering me a job. Not any job – the job of my dreams. I’d always wanted to run a gallery, to have final say over what to show and to create an agency for new artists. Kee was proposing all of that. Then he offered me stupid money, and I realised it was a joke. He tried to tell me he was serious, but I saw what his game was – promise me my dreams on a plate, and then when he’d got what he wanted, they would vanish into thin air.

  It was cruel. I wondered if this was a technique he used on lots of women. How many were gullible enough to fall for it? How close had I come to doing so? I didn’t understand why he needed to do it. I would have wanted him without the deceit. I was ready to tell him exactly what he could do with his stupid games, but something made me stop. Despite everything he still seemed genuine.

  In the next breath he proved it. He realised how his proposition had sounded, and changed it. He offered me a consultancy contract I could believe in. Not only was it acceptable, but it couldn’t have come at a better time. My housemate had moved out a month before, and I was struggling with the rent until I found someone to replace her. Some extra money would have really helped right then. When he asked how much I would accept, I pushed it as high as I dared. I was prepared to negotiate down, but he increased my bid by nearly twenty times.

  I didn’t know what to say. The alarm bells started ringing again. If this was a seduction technique, why would he try it again when it had just failed? I asked him to put it in writing and he agreed. I felt elated and dejected at the same time. The money was more than I could have dreamed of, but it turned out it had been a business meeting after all. I was going to see a lot more of him, but it was all going to be work. If that was the case, then I was going to make damn sure he didn’t get any ideas. I heard myself say I wouldn’t sleep with him. I don’t know where that came from – I would have spread myself over that table for him if he’d asked me to.

  I stepped out of the restaurant and into a whirlwind.

  I got some very different reactions to the deal after I’d signed the contract. My mum said I should make sure I did a good job for that sort of money. My dad told me to be careful, in case Kee still had an ulterior motive. My best friend, Izzy, suggested I should string out the work and milk him for more. At the time I thought she was joking.

  With the cash coming in, I had enough to cover the rent for a year. And I could repay a large chunk of my student loan. I should have done those things but I deserved some new clothes. And some shoes. There was a pair I’d been coveting for ages. Now they were going to be mine. I convinced myself my phone was on its way out too, and bought the latest model.

  I couldn’t believe it when Kee put me in charge of designing the new gallery. I didn’t feel nearly grown up enough for that responsibility. I might have panicked, but I decided if he trusted me then it would be his fault if he didn’t like my ideas. Even so, I wanted to please him. It mattered to me that he liked the result. I had the architect to guide me, but he soon made it clear the final decisions were down to me. He agreed to my suggestions and showed me how we could make them work. Some of the plans looked really expensive
. I started to get worried. But each time I asked if we could afford something he told me it was ‘within budget’.

  I was terrified I was going to get it all wrong. At the same time I was thrilled to have so much control. It was like I’d stepped into a different world. A world where almost anything was possible. One where I could have anything I wanted.

  Almost anything.

  I was seeing Kee most evenings, but it was all business. He never once asked to see my designs or the plans for the gallery. I began to relax about what I’d decided. But still I fretted that it might not be spectacular enough for him.

  When the work started on the building and I could see the gallery was really happening, I knew I would take his job offer. If it was still available. I felt bad for having misjudged him in the first place. I’d had good reason and I was sure he had understood that, but I was nervous about asking him.

  I was nervous about the salary too. Mum and Dad said I shouldn’t be greedy. They thought I should only ask for a bit more than I was already earning because of the extra responsibilities.

  ‘But be sensible, dear,’ Mum said. ‘If you ask for too much, he might give the job to someone else.’

  Izzy told me to tough it out for the two hundred thousand.

  ‘He offered and you accepted. That’s a contract,’ she said. ‘If he tries to welch on it, tell him you’ll sue his ass.’

  In the end Kee wouldn’t let me take the job for any less. I tried to argue but he wasn’t having any of it. My head whirled. I could hardly breathe. Surely this couldn’t be happening to me. I’d got my ideal job. I was designing my own gallery. I was going to be running it as well. I was going to be paid more than in my wildest dreams. My money worries were over. A girl couldn’t be this blessed, could she?

  Yet even with all my good fortune, there was still one thing missing. I almost felt guilty for wanting more. He’d given me so much. All of my wishes handed to me on a plate. Was it too greedy to want the man as well?

  I’d spent most of the day with him. We’d been around Tate Modern. Each time we looked at art, I’d stood or sat as close as I dared to him. I was willing him to put an arm around me. We spoke to each other like we were already a couple. When I looked into his eyes, I was convinced I saw desire. He must have seen the same in mine. He just needed to make one small move.

  Nothing happened. I couldn’t work out why he looked so keen, if he wasn’t interested. I thought about making a move on him. In any other circumstances I might have tried, but I couldn’t risk everything else he’d given me. I went home at the end of that day feeling wildly excited and deeply frustrated.

  I called Izzy, and she insisted we went out for a drink to celebrate my new job.

  ‘You’re buying,’ she said.

  I didn’t mind. With my new salary it seemed only fair to buy her drinks all night. I asked her if she thought I was wrong to want Kee on top of everything else.

  ‘Obviously you want him. He’s a millionaire,’ she said.

  I resented her inference that I was only interested in his money. I told her I didn’t even know if he was a millionaire. She gave me an incredulous look and said he had to be with the amount he’d spent on the gallery. She couldn’t believe I hadn’t asked him or tried to find out. When I told her I’d want him even if he were homeless or destitute, she laughed in my face.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ she said.

  I was hurt by that, but asked her what I should do about trying to win him round. She said I should play it cool. He might be put off, if I came on too strong. She told me to make him do all the running. To pretend I wasn’t interested. She even suggested I should turn him down a few times if he did ask. She said men like that. It made them more keen.

  I wasn’t sure, but she’d had more experience with men than me. I supposed she knew what she was doing. She saw the doubt in my face and said she would help me. I’d already invited her to the opening of the gallery. She said she would find out if Kee was interested in me. She would put in a good word for me and tell him I’d make a wonderful girlfriend. I was scared she might put him off completely, but she promised to be very subtle. No worries.

  It was only a few weeks later I found out what the cow had really done. Then I understood why she’d told me to play it cool and turn him down. Izzy was trying to beat me to him. She’d dressed up like a tart and tried to get him for herself. By the time I heard about it I’d got my man. But I was still livid with her. She was supposed to be my best friend. What kind of a friend could stoop that low? She’d never even met Kee, and yet she deliberately set out to steal him from me. When she failed she turned the rest of my friends against me. She told them I’d said I was too good for them, now I was hooked up with a millionaire. That was rich coming from her. And she had the nerve to call me a fucking gold-digger.

  I didn’t care that I would never speak to Izzy again. She had betrayed me. I would never forget that. It was much more painful to lose the rest of my friends too. I loved Kee and adored being with him. But sometimes a girl needs another girl to talk to. I still had my mum, but there were things I definitely couldn’t talk to her about.

  Then I met Amy. I liked her as soon as I saw her. She was the kind of girl who could say the most outrageous things, but with such a cheeky grin that she never caused offence. She was brilliant to talk to. She totally got that I was feeling so out of my depth with my new life.

  She told me all about Kee and his brother and I listened intently. We laughed about them having so many of the same mannerisms. It was fun to find out stuff I didn’t know about my man. The kind of things he would never tell me himself. She told me she loved Kee like a brother. She had never met a man who was so thoughtful and generous. Then she confessed that she also found him a bit intimidating. I was stunned. I couldn’t imagine anyone being nervous of Kee. He was the most gentle, considerate man I’d ever met.

  ‘I suppose it’s the contrast with Drew,’ she said. ‘Kee always seems so grown up. Sometimes they seem like father and son instead of brothers.’

  I told her Kee had his lighter side too. Although as I said it, I remembered thinking that Drew had seemed quite childish in comparison.

  ‘Yes, I know. I didn’t mean Kee is no fun. We always have a great laugh,’ she said. ‘It’s just that Drew is such a baby. But that’s what I love about him.’

  I asked her if she thought it was because he’d lost both of his parents while he was still quite young.

  ‘I’m sure it is,’ she said. ‘I sometimes think I’m his mum as well as his fiancée, but I don’t mind. I love mothering him.’

  Amy got that I hadn’t wanted to know about Kee’s money. I explained that when I wasn’t aware of how much he had, it felt like I loved him for him alone. She completely understood that. But by then she’d already let the cat out of the bag. She had been telling me how generous Kee had been by giving them half of his lottery winnings. She had no idea I didn’t know. She looked completely mortified. She apologised again and again. I told her it wasn’t a problem. I was bound to find out eventually.

  ‘It doesn’t make you a gold-digger, Lauren,’ she said to me.

  I told her about Izzy. I explained what she’d done and how much I hated her now.

  ‘Fucking cow,’ Amy said. ‘You’re well shot of that bitch.’

  I agreed, but said what had really hurt was losing the rest of my friends too. My voice started to crack as I told her. She pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back. She told me most of their friends had turned into assholes as well.

  ‘Anyway, you’ve got me now,’ she said.

  It felt comforting and warm in her embrace. I realised she was mothering me too. I pulled away and smiled into her eyes. ‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said.

  We Skyped each other at least twice a week after that. It was great to have someone I could have long chats and a good gossip with. She told me it was the same for her. It broke up her day and gave her a rest from writing. Before long I didn’t even miss my old girlfrien
ds anymore. It was just a shame that Amy and I couldn’t see each other in person. We were face-to-face over the internet but it wasn’t the same.

  The time difference meant while it was usually evening for me, she was often on a sunbed when we talked. I asked her once how she ever managed to get any work done. She picked up her cocktail and raised it to the screen.

  ‘This is where I do my best work,’ she said.

  I told her I didn’t think drinking and sunbathing constituted working. She said I was just jealous because I was stuck in London.

  ‘Only until you get skin cancer,’ I said.

  Although we laughed a lot, Amy was also very down-to-earth. She was seven months younger than me but sometimes she seemed much older. I felt I could tell her anything. I didn’t have many problems, but I knew when I did I could count on her for advice. I trusted her not to blab to Drew and I respected her judgement.

  It was natural, then, for me to turn to her when Kee suddenly wanted to give me a fortune.

  ‘Absolutely, you’ve got to take it,’ she said.

  I told her I didn’t understand why I’d got to. It wasn’t why I was with him.

  She said, ‘Anyone who knows you is well aware of that. Think about it, Lauren. It’s his way of telling you he trusts your relationship. If you were only after the money then you could take it and walk away. He’s saying he’s sure you won’t because you love him. What are you telling him if you don’t take it?’

  ‘That I love him without the money,’ I said.

  ‘Or you’re holding out for more,’ she said.

  ‘Never,’ I said.

  ‘We all know that, Lauren, but it’s still pretty insulting not to take it when he’s showing you how much he loves you.’