by Lynn VanDorn
What was going on right now, pressed right up against those safety rails, was a brief interlude. Like a vacation, and vacations weren't meant to last forever. On the other side of the railing was the abyss. Signs posted there read here be dragons and abandon hope all ye who enter here. Beyond the barrier was chaos—a churning mass of unfettered emotions running around free and getting into trouble.
The problem was that all he wanted to do was cling to the edge of that guardrail, past the yellow safety line, and look down, his heart in his throat. He thought about climbing over, standing on the very edge with the wind of desire rippling around him. He thought about jumping. There would be no net to catch him. Nothing to save him from the inevitable crash, but part of him craved the fall even so.
Josh ran harder and made himself mentally come back from the edge. He made himself stand behind the yellow line. He took a step back from the beautiful boy who leaned against the railing, hips canted forward, head tipped back with throat bared.
“Don't you want me?”
Too much.
“There's no such thing as too much.”
That was a lie. Too much was what got you over the rail and onto the edge. Too much tilted you off-kilter and pushed. Just one finger would be all it would take.
This wasn't helping.
Maybe I should worry about this later.
Probably.
Maybe I worry too much.
Just a bit.
Let’s look at the bright side. At least now I'm obsessing about someone new.
Which was true and a bit strange. His not-Ryan was still there, as he always was, but becoming faded and cast into the shade next to Tyler, who stood out in his head like he was crafted from neon light.
Josh wasn't sure trading one obsession for another was a good idea, but he promised himself that this time it would be different. He wasn't fourteen and being kissed by his secret, desperate crush. He wasn't twenty and sick with hopeless love for his best friend and determined to make his best friend love him back.
Tyler was fascinating and sexy and unlike anyone he'd ever been with. It was no wonder he was attracted. Being attracted was healthy. Everything would be okay as long as they stayed on the cliff but behind the railing. They didn't have to go over the side. It wasn't necessary. And one day, weeks or months from now, Tyler would go one way and Josh would go the other, back to his comfortable life. He would have postcard memories of his vacation that he could take out and look at from time to time.
Everyone would be okay and no one would be going over any cliffs.
–—
Monday, September 19th, 10:16 a.m.
The road just outside an unnecessarily large rental house
Blue Lake, WI
Josh was nearly back to the house when his phone rang. He slowed to a jog and checked it. His mother. He’d been planning on calling her today anyway, might as well take this and get it over with. He leaned against a tree, steadied his breathing, and pushed accept.
“Hello?”
“Joshua,” his mother said, and he knew he was in trouble, “do you have any idea what I just saw?”
“No clue,” he said, thinking that whatever it was, it wasn't good.
“Sharon just sent me a picture she found online of you and some Hollywood actor. She asked me if it could possibly be my Josh in that picture and I told her not to be ridiculous, that you were on vacation in Wisconsin, and then she texted me the picture and it’s you, Josh. I would know my own son anywhere, even if he is kissing some young boy who looks half his age. What on earth do you think you're doing? What will everyone think?”
“First of all,” Josh said, “he’s not half my age.”
“That’s it? That's all you have to say for yourself?”
“Do you want an explanation or an apology, Mom?”
“Don't take that tone with me. I need to know what's going on. God knows what I'm going to say to your father.”
Josh took a deep breath. He wasn't sure if he should tell his mother the truth or not. In the end, it seemed best not to. There was too great a possibility that she'd let the truth slip to one of her friends and it would get out. It would make the local gossip rounds, which would spread like wildfire, and before they knew it there would be online rumors about Tyler having to buy himself a relationship. So, no. A big fat no on the whole truth. Still, best to stick to as much of the truth as possible, leaving out only the fake bits.
“You've met him, Mom. That's Tyler Chadwick.”
His mother sucked in her breath. “He is not! Tyler’s just a child.”
“That ‘child’ is twenty-five. He's in town visiting his family, and he’s staying for a while after the wedding since he just got done making a movie and wants a break. Anyway, we reconnected.”
“That doesn't explain the picture I saw, Joshua. There was more than reconnecting going on. And twenty-five is still too young for you.”
Josh sighed. Might as well just spit it out. “We’re… sorta… going out.”
“That looked like more than going out to me.”
“Mom, we're both adults. What we do is our business. I was planning to call you today, anyway. I figured you might end up seeing something. I just didn't think it would be this soon.”
“Your father won't be happy.” His mother tsked.
“When is Dad ever happy about anything I do?”
“Josh!”
“Tyler is my date for the wedding,” he said. “Dad’s going to have to get over it.”
“Isn't this awfully sudden?”
Yes, as a matter of fact. It was extremely sudden. “Well, you know how it is. I've known Tyler since pretty much forever, I just haven't seen him in years. When we met again, we clicked.”
“And what about Ryan Chadwick?”
Josh didn't like where this was going. “What about him?”
“Do you think dating his brother is a good idea? I don’t think you’ve thought this through.”
“It’s not serious, Mom. It’s not forever. Don’t worry.”
His mother was quiet for a few moments. “Josh, honey, that’s why I worry. They’re never serious, are they? You’re not serious about anyone you date. You haven’t been serious about anyone since dating Ryan Chadwick.”
“Ryan and I never dated. We were friends. Just friends.”
His mother huffed. “A mother knows her son, Joshua. I saw how you looked at him.”
Oh, God, kill me now.
“I… Mom, it was years ago. It doesn’t matter. And Tyler is…”
“What?” she asked.
Beautiful. Bewitching. Beguiling.
“Only temporary. He’s going back to California soon. He’s not my happily ever after, Mom. Sorry.”
Why did it hurt to say that? It was only the truth.
“That reminds me. The other day at temple I was talking with Carol and she said she had a nephew.”
Oh, boy. Here we go. “Mom, I’m not—”
“He’s a doctor, and he just broke up with his boyfriend—”
“Mom!”
“The only downside is that he lives in Hinsdale.”
“Hinsdale? You have got to be kidding me. You want to set me up with a doctor in Hinsdale?”
Josh thought of the last doctor he’d dated. He'd been nice, good-looking, and single-mindedly interested in his career. It had been like trying to date a carbon copy of himself. Josh hadn't bothered trying to take him to bed. His own hand was less boring.
“It’s closer than California,” his mother snapped back. “Stop being so negative. You haven’t even met the man.”
“Mom. Stop. I’m dating Tyler. End of discussion.”
He heard his mother sigh on the other end of the line. “Okay, okay. It’s just that I worry about you. I just want you happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
“I know.”
“I only want what’s best for you.”
“I know, Mom.”
“You’ll always b
e my little boy, Joshua, and I won't always be able to be there for you. I'm not getting any younger.”
Josh grimaced and was glad his mother couldn’t see his face. “Mom, you're only sixty. Bubbe is eighty-nine. Zayde is ninety-two. Your health is excellent. You are in no danger of dying.”
“I could be hit by a truck tomorrow,” she said, indignant.
“Look both ways when you cross the street, then.”
His mother huffed. “I see how you are. Making jokes at my expense.”
“I'm sorry.”
“No, you're not. But I love you, Josh, and I'll see what I can do with your father.”
“Thanks, Mom.” Josh did his best to keep the sarcasm out of his tone. “Oh, and Wildfire is fine for my birthday.”
“Only if you want to go there.”
It wouldn't have been Josh’s first choice, but he didn't care enough to protest. “No, it's fine. Great, even.”
“If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure. Go ahead and make the reservations. Don’t forget to add in Tyler.”
His mother sighed again. “I still think he’s too young for you.”
“Mom!”
“Okay, okay, I’m done. I’m only looking out for you. You know that, right?”
He did, of course. His parents drove him crazy, but they loved him, even if they showed it in irritating ways. “I know,” he said. “Love you.”
Josh leaned his head back against the tree after he disconnected the call. That could’ve been worse. He hadn’t lost his temper and she hadn’t cried. He’d count that as a win.
When Josh walked into the house, he could hear Tyler talking to someone. He found him in the living room on his phone, perched on the coffee table, his back to Josh.
“Do you think it's significant? I think it might be.”
A voice came out of the speakerphone, but it was too muffled to hear from across the room. Josh crept up behind Tyler, wanting to surprise him. He felt more copacetic after his run and the better-than-expected call with his mother, and feeling good apparently translated to fucking with Tyler. He bent and bit Tyler’s neck.
Tyler jumped, but not as much as he'd hoped, and he didn't squeal like a little girl, which was a huge disappointment. He did grip Josh’s face with the hand that wasn't holding the phone. “Good morning,” he said, and pulled Josh in for a kiss. He bit at Josh’s lips until he opened them, then his tongue coaxed and lured Josh’s into his mouth. Instead of shy sweetness, this time his kiss was of the eat-you-alive variety. Josh fell into it and forgot all about Tyler being on the phone until he heard a throat clear.
“I see you two are getting along,” said Ryan. Josh’s eyes flew to the phone and saw that Tyler and Ryan were on Skype. Fuck.
Josh sprang away from Tyler but didn't get very far because Tyler’s free hand grabbed his and pulled hard. “Like a house on fire,” Tyler said, tugging Josh down to sit next to him on the table. Feeling trapped, Josh gave in.
“Hi, Ryan,” Josh said, seeing his bright-red face in the tiny corner window on the phone. Next to him, Tyler looked cool as a cucumber. Meanwhile, Ryan’s face was as handsome as ever and filled with concern. “I just got back from a run.”
“Yeah,” Tyler said, “you're all sweaty now. And shirtless, too. Be still my heart.”
“Tyler,” said Ryan, a warning note in his voice.
“What?” Tyler asked, sounding as innocent as a newborn baby.
“I could call back at a better time, since you seem busy. Or better yet, you should come home so we can talk in person. You have to be back in Chicago to have pictures taken in the next day or so, right? Come by my place and we'll discuss this. Call me when your plans are firm so I'll know when to expect you,” Ryan said, then disconnected.
“Passive-aggressive bastard,” Tyler muttered.
“There’s a lot of that going around today,” Josh said.
“Hmm?”
“I just got off the phone with my mom. She makes being passive-aggressive into an art form. Anyway, was that necessary?”
“Was what necessary?” Tyler fluttered his long lashes at Josh.
“Kissing me when you knew Ryan was watching.”
Tyler’s tone went crisp. “After you crept up on me and bit my neck in the middle of what might have been an important phone call? Yes. I think you got what you deserved there.”
“Still not cool, Tyler. Are you going to tell me what that was all about?”
“Later. It might be nothing.” He grabbed Josh’s face and kissed him again. “Although there is a lot of appeal to a sweaty, shirtless man, you stink. Go shower. I have to do this whole Reddit thing, and it starts in about an hour, so I need to be ready.”
“How are you doing this without a computer? Did you pack a laptop?”
Tyler waggled his phone. “Behold the future, old man. I've got it all under control. I hope. They said I need a picture with me holding up a sign with my brand-new username.” Tyler handed the phone to Josh, then held up a piece of paper with /u/HRHTylerChadwick on it with the date. Josh took the picture and gave Tyler back the phone. “Excellent, now go shower. You stink.”
Dismissed, Josh went to go and clean up. He refused to think about Ryan watching him suck his brother's face. It was too embarrassing and it got shoved in his mental box of things he pretended never happened. He then tried, with much less success, to keep his mind off the idea of taking Tyler against the white marble in the shower.
He told himself that it was normal to desire Tyler and it was nothing to worry about. Touching himself while thinking about doing filthy things to Tyler was also normal, or at the very least unlikely to shock the star of his fantasies. Josh tried not to think that maybe he was standing a little too close to the edge of his mental cliff.
Please step back for your safety and the safety of others.
Chapter 18
Tyler Is Internet Famous
Monday, September 19th, 8:30 a.m.
An unnecessarily large rental house
Blue Lake, WI
Tyler came inside after doing yoga to find Josh’s note, and his first thought was to wonder how long Josh would be gone on his run. Then he left the house and started walking.
Things felt like they were spiraling away from him again. Last night he'd quieted the urge with sex, and that had been fine at the time, but then he'd had the damned recurring nightmare and the need to cut had come rushing back. Luckily, he still had the keys to his family’s lake house. He just needed a little insurance, and having it didn't mean he had to use it. Just knowing he had it would probably be enough.
Tyler tended to have the nightmare when he was overly tired or stretched too thin or anxious. He'd been all three lately, and while sex with Josh had been great, it still hadn't been enough to keep that stupid dream at bay. He’d woken from it, heart pounding, and found himself naked in a strange room and a strange bed. He must have made some sort of sound because a strong arm had hauled him back against a hard chest. That had made him struggle in earnest panic, only to stop when Josh’s worried voice rasped in his ear, “It's okay, it's okay. I've got you.”
Tyler had calmed, his racing heart slowing as the warmth of Josh’s non-threatening body with its already comforting scent had seeped into his consciousness. Josh, whom he'd known his whole life. Josh, who would never hurt him. At least not like that. He was safe. He was fine.
“Was it a nightmare?” Josh had asked.
“Yeah, just a bad dream. I'm okay now. Just need to take a piss,” Tyler had replied, and it was only a partial lie.
Josh’s arms had let him go, if somewhat reluctantly, and Tyler had scooped his pants off the floor and put them on before he went to the bathroom.
Tyler had sat on the side of the tub and counted his way past memories that were better left buried. The urge to cut had screamed through him and he'd pushed it down hard. He'd taken the bandage off his arm and looked at his healing wound, then had run his fingers along the stitches. It didn't hur
t like it had a few days ago, but the bits of nylon were still a potent reminder of his promise to leave himself alone. There was too much at stake right now.
Nevertheless, he wished he could hold a blade. Not necessarily use it, but having it in his hand would help.
After a minute or so he’d flushed the toilet, washed his hands, and had gone back to bed, knowing he wouldn't sleep again. Only he’d fallen asleep after all, something about Josh’s warmth and scent lulling and soothing him past his insomnia.
Tyler had felt better this morning after doing his normal, if somewhat modified, yoga routine. Even taking it easy, his left arm was currently singing in agony and Brad would have yelled at him for putting any weight on it, but the stitches had held and the pain was helpful. It wasn't what he needed, but it would do for now as a reminder of why he couldn't—or shouldn't—cut.
Then there was Josh, and Tyler's promise to him that he wouldn't cut himself, at least not during their arrangement. Part of him dreaded the months ahead, when he would be under constant scrutiny. He didn't think Josh would take it well if he reneged on his promise, and yet his feet kept walking.
Tyler felt he was becoming too much invested in a relationship that was at best temporary, and he wasn't thrilled at the prospect. Even if things were perfect, if Josh found that he had room in his heart for only Tyler, Ryan be damned, there would still be the need to go home, and the North Shore was no longer his home and never would be again. Tyler could only ever leave Josh behind and he had no hope that Josh would follow him. Josh’s entire life was in Illinois. It was as ingrained in him as California had become for Tyler. Any fantasies Tyler had of Josh ever being anything to him other than a sort of brother-in-law were just that: fantasies, and far-fetched ones at that. Better to put it out of his mind.
Tyler unlocked the house and went to his bedroom. He found the box, hidden high in the back of his closet, and got it down. In it was a package of razor blades, Band-Aids, gauze pads, and tape. He didn't dare snag the whole box, but he did take two blades before putting it back. The blades were unused, wrapped in cardboard, and small. He slipped them into his pocket, locked the house up, and walked back, hoping Josh had still not returned.