Damage Control

by Lynn VanDorn

  Now here Josh was, drink in hand while sitting in Ryan's home. Only in his fantasies it had been just the two of them. Ryan smiling just for him. Shining just for him. There should have been no younger version of himself with nicer eyes. No charming publicist, who talked even more than Tyler, which scarcely seemed possible. And, of course, there had been no Tyler in his fantasy. His fantasy had been realized, and it was shit.

  And is that so bad? He looked at Patrick, his attention riveted on Ryan, but glancing over at Josh occasionally, as if to make sure he was still hiding in his corner. Like a dog guarding his food, Patrick wasn't going to let any potential rival get too close.

  Ryan was still his youthful dream. Still heartbreakingly handsome. Still as fascinating and enthralling as ever.

  But.

  There had never been a “but” before. There had never been qualifiers. Now Josh considered the reality of being Ryan’s secret, and knew it would have entailed far more than his self-induced near-solitary existence. There would have been the constant fear of being caught. The self-loathing from living a lie. Not to mention constant insecurity and jealousy. He remembered the doubt and despair and all that glorious darkness of forbidden love that had seemed so attractive in its romantic bleakness at nineteen. At nearly thirty-five, the idea made him feel tired and sad. Josh looked at Patrick, sitting by Ryan, his face set in lines of resentful anxiety, and a novel thought surprised him: better you than me.

  Josh switched his gaze over to Tyler, with his filthy mouth and magical eyes and a body that fit perfectly with his. He wasn't radiant like Ryan. He was far more abrasive than charming, and had a smile that a piranha would envy. You couldn't bask in Tyler. You could only hold on and hope you wouldn't be maimed in the process.

  But. Again, that but.

  Josh noticed everyone standing so he stood as well. He moved forward to shake Tom’s hand as he left. He’d barely registered the plan for New York, and right now he didn't care. All that mattered right now was the promise of escape.

  “You can stay here tonight, of course,” Ryan said, “and leave from here to go to O’Hare tomorrow. When’s your flight again?”

  “Early afternoon,” Tyler said.

  “I have two guest rooms, it'd be no trouble to put you up,” Ryan said.

  Patrick looked unhappy. “I should go home. I have studying to do. I can start working on the video mystery tomorrow after classes.”

  Ryan frowned. “I shouldn't be keeping you from studying. You know you need to keep your grades up.”

  Patrick pasted on a sick grin. “I'm aware, but thanks for the reminder. It was nice to meet your brother. And Josh, too. But I should go.”

  “Don't feel the need to leave on our account,” said Tyler with his toothy grin. “We're all friends here, aren't we?”

  “Besides, we're leaving,” Josh said. “I need to go home. There are things I need. At home.” He looked at Tyler, pleading with his eyes for him to understand that he had to get out of Ryan's home, the sooner the better. Staying even another ten minutes was not an option. If he didn't get out of there soon, he'd explode.

  “Ryan, do you mind if I leave Oliver with you while we're in New York? I can usually leave him alone for a few days, but better with you than by himself in a brand-new place. We'll come get him when we get back. The rest of his stuff is in the back of the Volvo.”

  “Sure,” Ryan said. “No problem. Are you taking off right away?”

  “Yes,” said Josh before Tyler had the chance to answer.

  “Have a safe trip and good luck, both of you. Make me proud.”

  Josh said nothing. Tyler grunted.

  Ryan looked at Patrick. “If you can wait a few minutes to leave, I have some things I'd like to discuss.”

  “Of course,” Patrick said.

  Of course. Watching Patrick jump to Ryan’s command made Josh feel ill. Patrick’s eager devotion was palpable, and it was like looking back through time and seeing his younger self through a new and strange set of eyes. He couldn't stay and watch it.

  Josh marched to the door, hoping Tyler was behind him, but when he turned, he wasn't. He waited there, feeling awkward with Ryan and Patrick staring at him. “Tyler, are you coming?”

  Tyler appeared, holding Oliver. “Sorry,” he said, “I was just saying goodbye to my cat.” He kissed him between his ears, rubbed his face along his fur, then put him down. “Okay,” he said. “I'm ready.”

  They left Ryan’s condo and walked down the hallway to the elevator. Josh pushed the down button several times just to make sure. The doors opened for them a few seconds later.

  “We need to go down to the garage—”

  As soon as the doors clicked shut, Josh shoved Tyler against the elevator wall and attacked his mouth with lips, teeth, and tongue. Tyler was stiff with shock for a second, then he fisted his hands in Josh’s shirt and opened his mouth, inviting Josh inside. This kiss was hot, desperate, and needy.

  The elevator dinged and the door opened. They were still on the same floor. “We’ll never get anywhere if we don't push a floor,” Tyler said with a shaky laugh, and selected G. The door closed again. “Now, where were we?”

  Josh buried his face in Tyler’s hair. “Oh, God,” he said.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Tyler rubbed his back, moving his hand in small, comforting circles.

  “No. Give me a minute.” Josh held tight to Tyler until the elevator reached the garage level, breathing in the sandalwood that clung to his hair, the tang of his fading cologne, and the scent below that, which was just Tyler. Josh slowly drew air in through his nose and let it out through his mouth and felt the desperate, trapped feeling inside him start to fade as the elevator took them farther away from Ryan's door. By degrees he felt better. Steadier.

  “Come on,” Tyler said after he stepped out into the garage. “No falling apart on me. Not yet. Let's get you home first, then you can fall apart all you want. All over me, if necessary. Okay?”

  “Yeah, I'm fine now,” Josh said. “I just needed—” air, space, escape, you—any and all of those fit. “I had to get out. I couldn't stay there.”

  “I know,” Tyler said. “It would have been—”

  “Intolerable,” Josh said.

  “Yeah, I get it. You all right to drive?”

  “Sure. It's not far.”

  “Okay,” said Tyler, sounding dubious. “Let me get my suitcase out of Ryan's car, then you can take me home.”

  Josh felt he should qualify the statement and reiterate that it wasn't Tyler's home, it was his temporary pseudo-home. He couldn't muster the energy to say it, though.

  “Yeah,” Josh said. “Let's go home.”

  –—

  Tuesday, September 20th, 9:10 p.m.

  Josh’s perfectly adequate condo

  Evanston, IL

  “And here's my view of the lake,” Josh said. “It's better during the day, of course. You can't really see anything much now.”

  Josh had given Tyler a tour of the building’s facilities—Tyler had been especially interested in the lap pool—then of the condo itself. He'd left Tyler’s suitcase in the spare bedroom, then dragged him to his favorite part of the condo: the balcony. Though several blocks from the lake, his building was tall, or at least tall for Evanston. His condo was on an upper floor and it faced east. His balcony was just big enough for a small table, two chairs, and two grown men.

  “I think the view is fine,” Tyler said, looking at him and not the water.

  “You’re not even looking at the view.”

  “Sure I am.” Tyler reached his hand up and stroked Josh’s hair much like he stroked Oliver’s fur. “Is it a safe bet that you figured out what Ryan’s been up to with his boy Patrick?”

  “Yeah, he staked his claim on Ryan while you two were off discussing… whatever you were discussing. You going to tell me about that?”

  “We'll get to it,” Tyler said. “How did you not lose your shit in there?”

  “I did,” Jo
sh said. “In the elevator, remember?”

  “No, I mean I kept expecting you to erupt all over Ryan’s living room. You were really quiet in there—too quiet. That was my first clue something was brewing. You’re like a volcano when you get upset—all silent and broody and eerie, then, boom! Explosion! Lava everywhere. Then you cool off and it's okay for the natives to come out from their huts.”

  Josh had never thought about it in those terms, but he supposed it was a decent assessment of his temper.

  “I, on the other hand,” Tyler said, “wouldn't have waited to leave before I made a scene. I did make a scene, actually, before you got there. I’m so angry at Ryan right now. I can't believe he had the gall to rub your nose in his new boy toy. I'm sure it's my fault because I kissed you in front of him while we were on Skype.”

  “He's been with that kid since January,” Josh said. “Whatever Ryan feels for him, it's got nothing to do with you or me.” He sighed. “What a mess.”

  “That kid can't be more than a year or two younger than I am. Is that what you think of me, Josh? That I'm some kid?”

  “No. You’re definitely not a kid,” he replied. There was a sheen of youth and innocence that still clung to Patrick that had been burned out of Tyler. If age was determined by cynicism, worldliness, and guile, Tyler would be eligible for a senior discount. He might almost look like jailbait in the right light, but often he made Josh feel as if he were the naive and inexperienced one.

  “Good,” said Tyler. He stepped closer to Josh and fit their bodies together. Josh’s arms went around Tyler of their own volition. It felt so right to Josh that it hurt a little. He didn't want to let go. He was standing on the wrong side of the yellow safety line, and this was not a good idea. He was now able to see a world in which there would never be a Ryan and Josh, and that was okay. Painful, yes, but okay, and the ache he felt wasn't so much loss as it was betrayal. He felt foolish, stupid, and blind. He also felt adrift, as if he'd lost a few of his tethers, or as if a part of him had been scooped out and forcibly removed. Not a necessary part, nothing he needed to function, but it left a gap that his psyche desperately wanted to fill. Putting Tyler there would be a terrible idea, no matter how well he seemed to fit.

  His therapist would not approve.

  His body didn't care, though. His arms wanted to hold Tyler. His lips wanted to kiss him and his tongue wanted to taste him. His nose craved Tyler’s scent, and his eyes desired every lovely perfection and imperfection of his face and form. His ears longed to hear Tyler’s voice and his fingers to trace across Tyler’s skin. His cock just ached to be inside of Tyler in any way it could be.

  Had it ever been quite like this with Ryan? Yes and no. Yes, that overwhelming craving had always been there. But no, because Tyler wanted him back and had been quite frank about it. The illicit note that had been in every interaction with Ryan was absent. Josh had always felt with Ryan that he needed to steal and fight for every bit of affection, both physical and emotional, that Ryan doled in miserly dribs and drabs.

  In contrast, Tyler just gave and gave and gave—his body, if not his heart. Not that Josh wanted or needed that, because nothing between them was real or permanent. Tyler said over and over that he needed Josh to appear to be his devoted boyfriend and he was willing to do whatever it took get what he wanted. Even so, Josh thought there might be more there beneath the pretense. A bit of affection that had nothing to do with obligation.

  As he held Tyler in the cool September night, Josh closed his eyes and thought, you have Ryan and Tyler in front of you. No Patrick or Stephanie. No forced temporary arrangement. Just the two brothers, side by side, yours for the asking. Which do you pick?

  The answer came to him easier than he would have thought. Ryan might have loved him once, but not enough, and it never would be enough. Tyler might never love him, but for now that didn't matter. Tyler was the one in his arms, the one with his head nestled against Josh’s shoulder. It was Tyler’s heartbeat he felt.

  In Josh’s mind, he saw the barrier before the abyss. He stood there, his feet on solid ground, then he lifted one foot and began to climb onto the railing.

  Josh bent and kissed the side of Tyler’s neck where his carotid artery pulsed. “I want you,” he said.

  Tyler started walking backward and Josh followed, the helpless moth to Tyler’s brilliant flame.

  “Of course, you want me,” Tyler said. “How could you not? Look at me. Who wouldn't want to fuck me? I practically need to beat people off me with a stick. You have no idea how lucky you are that for some reason the only man I can think about is you.” Tyler backed himself against the sliding glass door, a small, mocking smile on his face. “I can't wait to show you off to the world,” he said. “How crazy is that?”

  Josh opened the door and pushed Tyler inside. He shoved Tyler up against the wall and kissed him hard to shut him up, because the more he babbled sweet, utter nonsense at Josh, the more Josh wanted to blurt out something stupid like I love you, and he didn't. He couldn't.

  But he could and did acknowledge the desire that thrummed through him. Love was out of the question. Impossible after such a short period of time, but lust was different. Lust was safe and convenient because it let him take the thing he found that he most wanted.

  Tongue still thrusting inside Tyler’s mouth, Josh fumbled with the clasp of Tyler’s belt, then the opening to his pants, his fingers clumsy in his haste. He felt the button give way and his hand found Tyler’s cock, covered only by a thin layer of stretchy cotton, and curled around it like it was meant to. Like his hand had been formed for just that purpose.

  “You tore off my button,” complained Tyler. He pushed himself against Josh’s hand while he licked and bit at his neck. “These were my favorite pants, too.”

  “Fuck your pants,” Josh said. He worked his hand inside Tyler’s boxer briefs and pulled them down just enough to expose his stiffening shaft and tight balls. Josh stroked him with one hand and brought the other up to Tyler’s face, skimming his thumb along his cheekbone and the ridge of his brow.

  “What do you want?” Tyler asked, his tone uncharacteristically gentle. “What do you need?”

  You. I need you. “Everything,” he said.

  Tyler stilled for a moment, then said, “You don't ask for much, do you?” He cradled Josh’s face and kissed him, his lips soft and sweet and promising the world.

  “Go big or go home.” Josh sank down to crouch at Tyler’s feet.

  “I like where this is going,” Tyler observed.

  “Unbutton your shirt,” Josh said. He needed to see Tyler stripped of clothing and pretense, if only just for now. He wanted to peel back every layer of protective coating that Tyler had shellacked himself with over the years like an oyster creating a pearl. At the same time, he wondered if there was anything left under those layers anymore, or if the boy Josh had known had suffocated long ago under all the artifice. Josh wanted to know, to see, what was real. Just for tonight. “I want to see all of you.”

  Tyler obeyed, but in his own fashion, making each undone button into a small, seductive production. When he finished with the last, he swept the shirttails to each side like parting stage curtains and held them back behind hands he splayed on his hips, framing his erection. “Now what?” he asked.

  Josh unlaced Tyler’s boots, then removed them with their respective socks. His pants were rolled above the boots and now showed Tyler’s sharp ankles and narrow, elegantly arched feet. Josh licked the delicate skin stretched tight over the lateral end of his fibula where it nestled into his heel bone.

  “Christ,” muttered Tyler. He gave his erection a lazy stroke. “That is way hotter than it has any right to be.”

  Josh tugged on Tyler’s pants to draw them down his legs. Tyler assisted by pushing away from the wall. Tight as his pants were, they revealed Tyler's thighs in slow, teasing increments until they slid past his knees, when he could shake them off. That left him in his pale pink unbuttoned shirt and black skintig
ht boxer briefs, pulled down to the tops of his hips. Tyler hooked each thumb under the elastic band.

  “This is as naked as I've been in any kind of light with anyone in a very long time,” Tyler said. “Except my doctor. And you.” He arched his arms and back, letting the shirt fall off and settle on the floor behind him. Then he pulled his underwear down and kicked out of them.

  Josh’s heart thumped painfully. This was what he’d wanted, but there was a rawness to Tyler, hiding under his outward seductive charm, that scraped at Josh’s conscience. Maybe he was asking too much, expecting too much. He stood and covered Tyler’s nakedness with his own fully clothed body. “Thank you,” he said, pressing Tyler back against the wall and kissing away the wry twist of his lips.

  “You, sir, are overdressed,” said Tyler. He thrust Josh back by an arm’s-length. “Strip.”

  Josh couldn't help but grin. “You’re such a bossy little elf,” he said, peeling his sweater and t-shirt off in one motion.

  “Really?” Tyler leaned against the wall and tipped his hips forward, just like he had against the imaginary barricade Josh had erected in his mind, only now wearing less clothing. “That’s how you see me? A bossy little elf?”

  Josh reached his hand out to stroke Tyler’s length. “Maybe not so little. Do you want to know what my first impression of you was? As an adult, I mean.” He stepped away from Tyler, unbuttoned his jeans, then pulled down the zipper.