He shakes his head, rolling his eyes. “You’re insane.”
I pinch my fingers together, leaving a sliver of space. “Just a little bit.”
“A lot a bit,” he counters. Cooper reaches out, attempting to pull a twig from the rat’s nest on top of my head, but it gets stuck.
“Ow!”
“Oh,” he hisses, sucking in his breath. “Sorry, Princess.” My obsession moves closer, and with both hands digs the offending trash from my hair. He works slowly. Gently.
Coop is so close. His warm breath drugs me, making me weak and wanting. My breathing changes. It’s quicker, shorter, louder. My heart races. I’m dizzy.
“Got it,” he whispers, running the stick along the side of my face, my neck, and over the tops of my breasts before dropping it in the grass between us. His eyes are heavy-lidded—his stare ravenous. Coop cups the side of my face.
Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me.
“What’s a vagarian?”
Shit! I allowed myself to get so caught up in the moment with Coop that I forgot Lake and Kyle are still running around the front yard.
Coop’s sigh is half chuckle as he hangs his head, taking a few steps back while I turn to my baby boy. He’s staring up at me with curious brown eyes and a creased forehead.
Thinking quickly, as motherhood has trained me to do, I spit out a lie. “It’s veterinarian,” I say really slowly, enunciating each syllable. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Coop’s face light with the sexiest grin. “It’s a doctor who takes care of animals.”
“Oh, yike Doc Muffins?”
“Just like Doc Muffins,” I agree, sighing with relief.
A loud guffaw bursts from Cooper’s lips, and I turn on him, raising my brow.
“Oh, come on. Doc Muffins.” He stresses the word muffins as if it explains his obnoxious laughter.
I roll my eyes. “It’s a kid’s show, Coop,” I explain, crossing my arms on my chest. “Her name is Doc McStuffins. He can’t pronounce it right. Don’t you think you’re a little too old to make fun of a toddler?” I don’t even try to hide my annoyance with his juvenile behavior.
“Calm down, Chachi,” he says as his laughter dies down. “I’m not laughing at him.”
Humph.
“Seriously?” His eyes widen. “You told him a vagitarian was a veterinarian and he said like Doc Muffins.” His head comes forward a little as his brows jump in a “Get it now?” gesture.
“Oh, for God’s sake,” Gina says, walking up behind me. “Muffin, Spence...muffin...” My best friend looks at me expectantly. “Muffin is eating the...uh...” Her eyes fall upon Kyle, who’s still standing at my side. “Eating the muffin...”
“I yike eating muffins!”
Coop’s mouth falls open. “Of course you do, potty mouth.” He snorts.
My eyes close as I shake my head. Gina is about to piss herself, and Coop is having way too much fun with my fucking kid.
Kyle laughs because they’re laughing. Always eager to put on a show, he adds, “Muffin’s nummy, Pooper.”
Coop composes himself...somewhat. “Muffins are very nummy. You should definitely be a veterinarian when you grow up so you can eat lots of muffins, Savage.”
“I will!” Kyle says excitedly before running off to tell Lake.
“Did you just tell my baby that he should be a pussy eating lesbian when he grows up?”
Coop huffs, indignant, and looks at me as if I’ve just grown two heads. “No. I told him to be an animal doctor and eat muffins. Get your mind out of the gutter, Princess.”
“Where’d Coop run off to?” Mom asks, lifting her eyes from the papers she’s been grading with a panicked look on her face.
Good Lord, our parents need to stop with this crap.
Coop had to take off because he was meeting the guys to watch the game at the bar, but before I can answer, my best friend calls off the dog.
“What was that?” Gina asks sarcastically with her hand cupping her ear. “Was that an, ‘Oh my God, Gina’s here?’” my best friend asks, making jazz hands in the air as she sassy-walks over to my mother, who’s curled up on the couch with her feet propped on the coffee table, papers resting on bent knees.
Momma tosses the papers to the side, standing to greet her “adopted” daughter with an exaggerated eye roll. “Hey, Gina,” she says, enveloping her in her arms. “How was the drive?”
“It was a bitch getting out of the city. The traffic was insane with the game today, but after that, it was nice.” Gina kisses Momma’s cheek, loosely grabbing each of her hands with her own before backing away a little to appraise her. “You look good, Ma.”
“Thanks, baby.” Momma drops back into the dip of the couch that’s still visible due to her always sitting in the same spot, patting the space beside her for us to join her in front of the TV. It’s almost kickoff time. “So, you back for good now?” Momma asks, getting settled into position to grade more papers.
“Yeah,” Gina answers, curling her feet under her thighs. “I’m renting one of the apartments behind T-Boy’s. There’s no way I’m moving back in with my folks.” She cringes and visibly shivers.
Momma giggles. “Oh, they aren’t that bad, Gina!” Her hand pats Gina’s thigh.
“Hah.” I snort, perching on the arm of the couch beside Momma. “Her parents are freaks, Momma.”
Mom’s eyes roll up again as her head shakes.
“They really are,” Gina adds. “Last time I came home unannounced, they were...uh...doing it on the kitchen table. I will never get the image of my Daddy’s wrinkly old ass out of my memory. Scarred for life.” Her finger goes to the back of her throat and she gags.
Momma’s face blushes. “Well...I guess you don’t show up unannounced anymore, do ya?”
“Hell no. I left my key on the table that day just to make sure I’d never forget to knock. I don’t think any two parents have ever been more excited about getting their house back to themselves than mine were when I moved out. And I’m not going back!”
Which reminds me...“Oh, yeah. Momma, Gina’s gonna stay here for a few days ’til her apartment is ready, if that’s okay?” Like she’d ever say no.
“Of course it is.” Her eyes start to well with tears.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, smoothing her long, dark hair.
She sniffs, rubbing her nose on the back of her hand. “I’m just so happy to have my girls back.” Tears begin dripping from her eyes as she takes a deep breath and clears her throat. “It’s nice to not come home to an empty house anymore.”
My heart breaks, and as much as it sucks that I lost a job I loved and had to uproot my children, as much as it is rocking my world to have Coop in such close proximity again, in this moment, I am completely at peace with my decision to come home.
I feel myself beginning to doze off when the sound of a lock clicking jerks me awake. The door to my bathroom swings open, and Gina walks out with a warm cloud of steam trailing behind. Her short, blonde hair is sticking up in all directions. She’s in black booty shorts and a New Kids on the Block reunion tee she got from a concert we attended together last year. When she realizes I’m awake, my best friend pauses in the middle of the room, placing a hand on one hip and the other on the back of her head, striking a pose.
Goober.
She struts the rest of the way before flopping down beside me on my full-size bed and lacing her fingers with mine. We lay quietly staring up at the pink canopy with our legs dangling over the side of the bed.
“Why couldn’t you have a dick?” I ask after a few minutes, breaking the silence.
My best friend, who is totally used to my randomness, doesn’t even bat an eye at the question. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “My tits are pretty nice, though.” She relinquishes my hand, cupping her boobs and lifting.
“Meh. They’re all right.” Gina narrows her eyes at me. “You’re kinda short, too,” I note.
“Yeah. That’d be weird.” She turns her head to the side to f
ace me and shrugs. “You’ll have to be the man.”
“But I have the better boobs,” I whine.
“Look, bitch,” my best friend says, propping herself on her elbow. “I can get implants and you can get a fake cock, but I can’t get taller than you. We’re not going to be the weirdo lesbians where the short one wears the pantsuit.”
The girl does have a point...“If I get a dick, can I keep my boobs?”
“Fine, but it better be a big dick.”
“You know I don’t do anything half-assed. You better be able to take a foot long dong, sista,” I tease, lifting my brows.
She giggles, causing the bed to shake. “I wonder how you get it up...”
“There’s a button on your side...You press it and boy-yoy-yoing!”
Gina huffs. “No shit? How the hell’d you know that?”
“Google.”
She nods. “Google knows all the things.”
“I wonder if I’d still be able to orgasm...” I say, already reaching for my phone. I open up Safari and begin searching, as if I’m actually considering this ludicrous idea.
In the middle of reading, I feel Gina’s elbow jab me in the ribs and wince. “What’s it say?” she asks with the impatience of a toddler.
I ignore her until I’ve finished reading. “It says I get to keep my clitoris. It will be the tip of my new penis...But, only eighty-five percent of patients who have the surgery are able to orgasm after.”
“Well, those are good odds.”
I snort. “For whom? That’s a fifteen percent chance I never orgasm again. Fuck that shit. Can you even imagine how miserable I’d be?”
Gina and I share the mindset that orgasms are vital to a happy life and are not above telling each other when we could stand to go rub one out.
“You’re right. I wouldn’t want to live with your bitch ass.”
“Me either,” I agree. “Guess that kills that wonderful idea.”
“I’m convinced God created that miraculous appendage to make up for how horrible men are.” The disgusted look on Gina’s face makes me grin.
“Without a doubt,” I agree. “They’ve got us all hypnotized with those damned things.”
“Think that’s why all the princesses and fairies carry wands?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You know...so they could have a magic stick of their own. I bet old Walt was feeling sorry for us when he designed the wand.” She holds an imaginary scepter in her fingers and swirls it around the air above us.
“You know...” I yawn, feeling sleep threaten to take me. “You may be on to somethin’, bestie.”
“Course I am,” Gina says through a yawn of her own. “Why do you think they call dildos wands?”
Well, I’ll be damned. “Never really gave it much thought,” I answer, silently noting to Google that shit tomorrow.
Gina and I right ourselves in the bed, and before dozing off, I shoot a quick text to Cooper.
Me: You win. I’m not getting a dick. :(
Asshole: Have you been drinking, Princess?
Me: Googling.
Asshole: I see. Did fabulous Fabio die or something?
Me: No, dummy. A real one. But, if I get a dick installed...there’s a 15% chance I’ll never orgasm again.
Asshole: I don’t know what to say, Spencer. I may be too drunk for this conversation.
Me: Don’t worry. I’m not doing it. It’s too risky.
Asshole: I’m glad to hear that. Why exactly are you wanting a sex change?
Me: So I could marry Gina. She loves me and my kids. They love her. It would be perfect, right? Stupid wands...
Asshole: Are you high?
Me: Just tired. ’Night, Coop.
Asshole: ’Night, beautiful.
Cooper
Beep.
“Cooper, you have a call on line one,” my secretary’s, nasally voice blares through the intercom.
“I’m really busy right now, Jill. Can you take a message?” I’m actually on pace to finish up early today, and the last thing I need is to get caught up on the phone. I’ve stayed late all week, and I’m really hoping to catch up with Spence and possibly even fool around a bit this evening.
“It’s a daycare...” she says nervously. “They said they’ve been trying to reach Kyle’s mother and can’t get ahold of her.”
“I’ll take it.” I jab the button for line one, lifting the receiver to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hi, Mr. Hebert...We hate to bother you at work, but we’ve called Ms. LeBlanc and her mother’s phones. They aren’t answering. We really need someone to come and pick up Kyle.”
“What about Gina?”
An annoyed sigh comes through the phone. “She didn’t answer, either.”
Shit. “Is he sick?”
“No, sir. He’s...suspended.”
“Suspended!” I shout. Since when do toddlers get suspended from preschool?
“Yes, sir.”
“What the hell could he have...No, you know what? I’m on my way.” What the hell kind of place did Spencer leave her kid at?
Slamming the phone down, I begin shoving files into my briefcase like a madman. As I storm out of my office, I pause at Jill’s desk to inform her that I’ll be out for the remainder of the day and then poke my head into my father’s office, wrapping my knuckles on the doorframe to get his attention.
Dad peers up over his glasses, which are sitting low on his nose without raising his head. “Yeah, son?”
“I’m leaving for the day. I just got a call from Kyle’s daycare...They need me to go and get him.”
Dad’s forehead crinkles with concern and he removes his glasses, setting them on top of the stack of papers he’s been working on. “Is he okay?”
“Suspended.”
His jaw drops. “What?”
“Yeah, I don’t know what the hell is going on over there, but they can’t get in touch with anyone else, so I’m going to pick him up.”
“Do you even have a car seat?” Dad asks.
My face falls. Damn it. I hadn’t even thought of that. I guess when Spence asked if she could add me to his list of contacts that I should’ve gotten one just in case. But, I never thought I’d actually have to go get him.
“I keep one for my grandson in my car, Cooper,” Jill offers, walking up behind me. “Come on.” She waves her arm, brushing past me toward the door. “You can give it back tomorrow. I’ll go install it in your truck right quick.”
By the time I pull up to the red building designed to model an old schoolhouse, my blood is boiling. And when I walk inside to find Kyle on a chair in the front office crying, I’m ready to make some fucking heads roll.
“What’s wrong with him?” I ask, walking over to where he’s seated.
At the sound of my voice, his face turns in my direction. My chest squeezes when I see the relief in his little face the moment he recognizes me. Kyle’s brown eyes are bloodshot. His lips quivering. “M-my m-man h-h-here,” he snivels.
Fuckin’ right, his man’s here.
“I’m sorry, sir,” the secretary says, stepping in front of Kyle. “We need to see your ID before you can touch him.”
“Are you shitting me right now?”
She clears her throat loudly. “No, sir. I assure you I am not, and I would appreciate it greatly if you would not speak that way. That language is highly inappropriate.” Her eyes dart around the room, reminding me of where I am.
Whoops. “Sorry,” I say, and I mean it. I usually conduct myself in a more professional manner, but seeing Kyle this upset has me all out of sorts. “Clearly, he knows me.”
“Your identification, please?” she asks once more, holding her hand out palm up.
Pulling my wallet from my inside coat pocket, I dig out my license. Every second that Kyle is reaching for me and I can’t comfort him pisses me off more.
The tiny blonde bouncer studies it for a ridiculous amount of time before finally nodding and
removing herself from between us.
Kyle practically leaps into my arms. “I miss you, Pooper.”
I wipe away his tears and smile. “I missed you, too, little dude. What happened?”
“I in shrouble, Pooper. Wady not nice!” He looks over at her with some pretty impressive mean eyes.
I turn my head to face the woman in question. “Sir, Kyle bit another student today. We have to take these things very seriously, as I’m sure you understand.”
“What did the other kid do to him?” I ask, automatically wanting to defend him.
“Well, sir...I don’t know that he did anything, but that’s irrelevant. Kyle left teeth marks on another student.”
“It’s not irrelevant, ma’am. Kyle wouldn’t bite someone for no reason. He’s a good kid.”
I can practically hear the snort she’s fighting to contain. I have never wanted to hit a woman, but I’d really like to smack that smug look off of her face right about now.
Who am I and when did I become so attached to the enemy?
“This isn’t his first offense, Mr. Hebert. Kyle’s mother has been warned about his colorful language. He’s had quite a few warnings, and this is something we can’t just ignore.”
“With all due respect, Ms.—” I glance at her name tag, finding it odd that there’s actually someone in this town that I don’t know “—Ashley. No one is asking you to ignore anything. I’m simply asking if you’ve investigated the matter to determine what caused Kyle to feel the need to defend himself.”
“Mr. Hebert, no matter the cause, biting is an automatic three day suspension.”
I can see that I’m not getting anywhere with her. “Kyle, why did you bite?” I ask, using my finger to tilt his face up to mine.
“I bad, Pooper.” His bottom lip pokes out.
Hell if my heart doesn’t squeeze at the sight of his pitiful face. “You aren’t bad,” I assure him before clearing my throat. “Why’d you bite that boy? You can tell me. I promise that I won’t get mad.”
“Him not gettin’ off me. Boy sittin’ on me. Him hit me wif a shruck on my head!” Tears drip from his big brown eyes as he reaches up to the spot that is obviously still hurting him.
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