Boomerangers

by Heather M. Orgeron

  I stand there with my mouth agape, once again speechless. I’m fucking speechless. After sputtering wordlessly for a moment, I finally manage to screech out, “Who the hell is Ryan and where did he hear that?”

  “Ryan is Dad’s neighbor’s son. He comes over to play basketball sometimes. It’s lyrics from a Nicki Minaj song. He looked it up, and that’s what it said,” Lake explains.

  Landon nods. “It’s true. He showed us the Urban Dictionary on his phone. He said they make it into bars and sell it.” He gags, no doubt imagining the steak houses buying that shit up and slathering it on his filet.

  What the fuck is wrong with children these days? “Your friend Ryan is a fucking idiot,” I say, seething. “The only thing you are going to get if you stick your penis in someone’s ass is a di—penis covered in shit,” I yell, feeling the burn in my cheeks, as I begin pacing back and forth in my old bedroom. “And you’ll give the girl a nasty infection...and probably yourself, too.”

  The boys go silent for a moment before Landon asks, “So putting your penis in a butt is gay, right?”

  “Yes.”

  Once again I can see the hamster wheel in his brain turning. “But, what if it’s a girl butt?”

  I don’t even know how to respond to this. My kid is a fucking freak! I didn’t realize the back door was even an option until I was in college and I damn near killed Tate when he tried. No one’s dick will be going anywhere near my no-no hole. “Why are you so fascinated with putting your penis in a butt, Landon? Most people don’t ever do that...And, anyway, you aren’t even old enough to be thinking of sex. Sex is for adults. Grown-ups. People in love.” And he’s done it...sent me off on a tirade. “And,” I add, opening Safari on my phone, “sex causes diseases. You can get puss-filled blisters and pee blood and, come here,” I say, motioning them both over to look at the blue waffles I’ve just pulled up on my phone.

  The boys study the picture for a moment before they both start retching and move away. “Oh, Mom.” Gag. “That’s disgusting,” Landon moans.

  “What the hell is that?” Lake asks.

  “That is what can happen if you have sex when you aren’t mature or responsible enough to do so. You want your penises to look like that?” I ask, staring them down.

  Both of their heads shake rapidly.

  “Keep those things in your pants, boys, and for God’s sake, stop listening to stupid kids that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about!” I shout, opening the door. I storm out, mumbling the words “truffle butter” and shaking my head when I run right into Gina.

  “Good song,” she says, straightening her top. “When’d you start listening to rap?”

  “I don’t listen to that shit. Can you believe some kid told the boys that truffle butter is when you put your penis in a butt and then a vagina and it makes butter? What the hell is going on at this school?”

  Gina busts out laughing as she pulls out her phone and begins pecking at it rapidly. After finding whatever it is she’s looking for, Gina holds it up to my face. The Urban Dictionary.

  “Well, I’ll be damned. Those little shits just taught me something.”

  “Oh, Spence. You make me laugh...” my best friend chimes, patting me on the back.

  “I just can’t believe little kids are talking about this stuff, Gina. I’m going to have to monitor their music better...”

  “And you’ll make them prime meat for all the little asshole kids at that school. You can’t shelter them here, Momma. You aren’t dealing with that snooty little catholic school anymore. Just be open and honest with them as much as you can. Lake and Landon are good kids. Don’t put a target on their backs.”

  Gulping, I nod. She’s right. “It’s okay. I don’t think they’ll be thinking about sex any time soon.”

  Gina glares at me. “What’d you do?”

  I smile innocently at my best friend. “I just showed them what could happen to their penises if they have sex before they’re supposed to.” I shrug.

  Her mouth falls open. “You didn’t?” She covers her mouth with both hands.

  I nod. “You bet your ass I did.”

  “Blue waff—” Gina can’t even finish the word waffles before she’s gagging.

  “Yup. I’m thinking about framing a picture and hanging it up in their bathroom over the toilet as a reminder.”

  “But, that’s a made up disease.”

  “So...?”

  She nods. “Let’s wallpaper their bathroom in it.”

  Me: Have you ever heard of truffle butter?

  My Knight: Been listening to Nicki, have you? I knew there was a little gangsta in you somewhere, Spence. Probably in that big ol’ booty. :P

  Me: Ha ha. You’re so funny. No, not Nicki...My kids.

  My Knight: Did they ask you what it means?

  Me: More like they’ve just educated me. I told them it was the fucking butter restaurants put on your steaks.

  My Knight: You didn’t? lol

  Me: Then they asked me all these questions about butt sex. It was horrible.

  My Knight: God, I wish I could have seen your face. What did you tell them?

  Me: I told them that most people don’t do that.

  My Knight: What about you? Are you most people, Princess?

  Me: What about me??? Are you asking if you can stick it in my ass?

  My Knight: No, of course not. I mean, unless you are down for that kind of thing.

  Me: Oh God, you’re all disgusting. The whole fucking lot of you.

  My Knight: So, just to clarify...That was a no?

  Me: Let me put it to you in words you’ll understand. I’ll chop your fucking dick off and feed it to you for dinner if you even think of putting that monster in my no-no hole.

  My Knight: Understood.

  Me: Good. So, what time are you coming over?

  My Knight: I’m a little afraid of you right now...

  Me: Stop. You are not.

  My Knight: Leaving the office now. See you soon, Princess. And no worries...The virtue of your no-no hole is safe with me ;) I’ll treat it like my dick depends on it.

  “Cooper’s here,” Lake calls from the living room.

  I leave Gina chopping tomatoes and grab Coop a beer from the fridge on my way to greet him.

  “Hey now,” Coop says, pulling me in for a hug. “A man could get used to this!” He takes the Bud Light from my hand, kissing my forehead. “Thanks, Spence.”

  “You’re welcome,” I answer, narrowing my eyes at his chauvinism.

  Cooper glances around the room, making sure the coast is clear, before his hand lowers from my waist to my ass. He cups the right cheek, squeezing hard. “If you ever change your mind...” He trails off, chuckling as I punch him in the chest.

  After dinner, Gina and I clean the kitchen while Cooper and the boys play Madden on the PlayStation. I catch myself smiling, not paying attention to a word of Gina’s gossip, as I strain to hear Cooper and my boys ragging on each other over the game. I can’t help wishing that things could be different. Cooper would have been an incredible father.

  “You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?” Gina asks, shoving my shoulder.

  I frown guiltily. “Sorry, I was daydreaming.”

  “About a cute little house on the lake with a white picket fence, a certain ring back on your finger, and Cooper’s cum pop between your legs every night?”

  The plate I’m washing slips from my hands into the sink as I stare at her, open-mouthed.

  “’Cause you can have all of that, you know?” she reminds me with a wink.

  “You’re so gross.”

  “I’m so right.”

  “What about you?” I ask, tossing the question back into her court. “What about your fairytale and white picket fence? For someone with so much advice...”

  Gina gets quiet and goes back to drying the dishes. “We’re not talking about me,” she eventually grumbles.

  “We’re never talking about you because
we’re always talking about me.”

  She shrugs.

  I sigh. “Are you ever going to settle down, Gi? You’d be the best mother.”

  Gina rests her hands on the edge of the counter, hanging her head. I’m not sure what’s happening ’til I see the slight shuddering of her shoulders.

  “Gina,” I whisper, placing a soapy hand at her back. “Gi, are you crying?” My heart sinks.

  My best friend takes the towel in her hand and uses it to mop the tears from her face. Her sad green eyes look up through wet lashes, connecting with mine. “I can’t have kids,” she whispers, her lips flattening into a straight line. “And besides, that title already belongs to you.” She tries to blow off the fact that she’s just dropped a confession the equivalent of an atomic bomb in this kitchen.

  Now, when I tell you this girl is my best friend, I mean she is my person—the other half to my B.F.F. heart. We know everything about each other—have shared every single moment of our lives from the time we were in kindergarten. For her to keep something this huge from me...I’m stunned. I experience a vast array of emotions all at once, starting with shock, betrayal, and everything in between, before finally settling on sheer devastation. “Gina?” I say, feeling my heart sink. There’s no way I’m just dropping this.

  “I’ve known for years. The, umm...” She sniffs, wiping her nose. “The endometriosis is too bad. There’s virtually no chance, but I’m okay. I’ve come to terms with it.”

  I swallow and swallow but can’t seem to remove the lump in my throat. “I can see that,” I say, watching the girl who has always been my rock fall to pieces before me.

  She blows air upward, trying to dry her eyes. “I really am. I mean, as okay as a person can be with that kind of news. I have your kids, Spence, and they mean everything to me.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice cracks.

  Gina shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t want you feeling sorry for me. You had a lot going on with the boys and their piece of shit fathers. It’s just something I felt like I needed to deal with on my own.”

  The guilt I feel threatens to swallow me whole. I can’t believe Gina’s been dealing with this all on her own for years because my life is such a big clusterfuck that she felt like she’d be imposing. “So this is why you haven’t taken any of the guys you’ve dated seriously? Because you can’t have children?”

  Gina nods. “I can’t do it, Spence,” she whispers. “I can’t allow a man to fall in love with me knowing that I could never give him a family—a baby.”

  The tears just keep falling from my eyes. I want to tell her it’s okay, that any man would be lucky to have her, that they wouldn’t need anything more, but I understand how she feels. I get it, because if I were to marry Coop, that’s exactly what I’d be doing—thrusting three children he never wanted into his life and preventing him from ever finding someone who could give him the family I can’t. Sure he says he doesn’t want kids now, but that could change. So I swallow the words that are on the tip of my tongue, because Gina and I keep things real. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close. “Now you see why I can’t marry Coop.”

  Cooper

  “Boom!” I jump up from my seat, throwing the controller down onto the couch and beating my fists against my chest like King Kong. “Still got it, boys.”

  Landon huffs. “You got lucky, old man.”

  “All right, you two, it’s almost ten and y’all have school in the morning. Time for bed,” Mrs. Elaine says, setting her grade book down on the coffee table as she pushes up from her usual corner on the worn couch.

  “Come onnn, Grandma Elaine, I didn’t get a chance to play yet,” Lake gripes.

  “Nope, get movin’. You can play with Coop tomorrow.” Elaine winks at me as she says it, and I smile at her not so subtle invitation as she leads them off to bed.

  After the room has cleared out, I realize that I haven’t seen the girls for a while. The sound of hushed voices leads me back to the kitchen.

  “That’s not the same thing, Spencer. Cooper doesn’t even want kids, and if he ever decided he wanted to have children, you could give him that. I can’t,” Gina argues. Her hands are resting on Spencer’s shoulders and both women are dripping in tears. I hang back just outside the door, eavesdropping on the rest of their conversation.

  “I’m not having any more children, Gina.” The breath whooshes out of me like I’ve been punched in the gut. I’m surprised by how much that hurts to hear.

  “But if you were with Cooper, things would be different. It wouldn’t be so hard, and could you just picture him with a little baby? God, I think my fucking useless ovaries would explode!” Her hands come off Spencer’s shoulders, making fireworks in the air.

  Listen to Gina. She’s smart.

  Spencer laughs, and I feel it right in the chest. “I can imagine it,” my girl answers, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her sweater. “He deserves a family—his own family.”

  “Well, I think you’re screwing with fate. I’d love to have another baby Spencer running around, and since I can’t make my own baby, you have to do it.”

  I watch from behind the doorframe as Spencer glares at Gina. “That’s really low, Gi.”

  Gina shrugs. “I fight dirty. You know this.”

  “What’s up, ladies?” I ask, walking into the room as if I haven’t been snooping for the last five minutes. “You’re looking at the reigning champ!” I beat my chest again.

  “So, you won?” Spencer asks, laughing.

  “Whooped Landon’s ass!” I hold out my hand and Spence high fives me.

  Gina keeps her face turned away from mine as she excuses herself to the bathroom.

  “I’m so proud of you,” Spence mocks, running her hands up my chest and around my neck.

  “Why do you look like you’ve been crying?”

  Spence shrugs. “It’s a little warm in here.”

  She’s caught by surprise when I lick the side of her face, eliciting a loud squeal. “What the hell are you doing?” she giggles, attempting to squirm her way out of my embrace.

  “Collecting evidence.”

  “Evidence?”

  “Yes, evidence. After sampling the crime scene, I can confirm with one hundred percent certainty that you have indeed been crying.”

  “Is that so?” she asks, pulling in her lips between her teeth in an attempt to hide her smile.

  I nod, pushing her hair behind her shoulders. “The temperature of your skin coupled with the traces of salt proves that tears have recently touched this beautiful face.” I trail the back of my hand down her cheek and she melts into me. “The question is, why are you lying, Ms. LeBlanc?”

  “This is all so very CSI of you, Mr. Hebert. I must admit, it’s kinda turnin’ me on.” Her brows waggle as she presses her breasts against my chest, causing my dick to strain against the fabric of my jeans. My heart begins to race, and just as I’m about to lean in and kiss her...Gina comes blazing through the kitchen with a hand shielding her eyes.

  “All right, lovebirds, that’s my cue to get outta here.” She nabs her purse off the counter with the hand that isn’t covering her face and calls back from the living room, “Talk to you tomorrow, Spence! Bye, Coop!”

  “Who set her ass on fire?” I ask after the door slams shut.

  “Maybe she had a hot date?”

  It takes everything in me not to laugh at the guilty look on her face. Even if I hadn’t just heard their conversation, I’d know she was lying. “Speaking of dates...can I take you somewhere?”

  “What...? Right now?” she asks, glancing at the clock above the door.

  Cupping her ass in both hands, I pull her body closer, lining up our centers. “Yes,” I whisper against her ear. “Now.”

  Her hand trails down my front until she’s cupping my hardening dick. Spencer smirks and her breathing changes. Her eyes are bedroom heavy as she rolls her tongue over her bottom lip, nodding up at me without a word.

  �
�I can’t believe you brought us here,” Spence offers, looking around in wonderment as I help her down from the truck. Judging by the smile on her face, you’d swear she was looking at anything but the miles and miles of empty cane field surrounding us.

  “Brings back memories, right?” I ask, inhaling the cool night air.

  “So many,” Spencer whispers, reaching for my hand and lacing her fingers in mine as we walk around to the bed of my truck. “It’s so quiet out here.”

  “It is,” I agree with a smile.

  “It’s kinda creepy, actually,” she adds. A chill moves through her body. “And cold.”

  “Come on. I’ll keep you warm.”

  When we arrive, I let the tailgate down, retrieving the wood that I packed earlier this evening, and build us a small fire.

  “Sit with me?” I grab Spencer’s hand, as she slips down from the tailgate and lead her to the blanket I’ve already laid out for us. I plop myself on the ground first then position her between my legs with her back to my chest. Her windblown hair tickles my nose. “I want to talk to you about something.”

  Spencer’s face appears over her shoulder, her lips turned down in an exaggerated frown.

  “Why the sad face?”

  “When you said you’d keep me warm, I kinda thought that meant you were cashin’ in.” Spencer tilts her head to the side, fluttering her long lashes.

  Laughter rumbles through my chest. “Don’t worry...we’ll get to that.” I place a kiss on the tip of her ice-cold nose.

  Spence shimmies her ass into my crotch, making it almost impossible to concentrate. “Well, hurry up...before I decide to take care of myself.”

  It would totally be worth the blue balls...“I’d pay top dollar to see that.”

  Oomph. Her elbow flies back, jabbing me in the ribs. “Why’re you always beatin’ me up?”

  “Why do you keep trying to turn me into a hooker?”

  “Why are you trying to marry me off to another woman?”