Not caring how deep it might be, I plunged right in. When my paws didn’t reach the ground, I shifted to human form. The process of doing so in water had a cleansing effect. My toes brushed the sandy bottom. The slow moving river carried me down a ways until my feet settled firmly and I found a large boulder to brace against. Before my stance was even stable I began scrubbing at my skin. The blood and gore washed away easily. Too easily, really. But, it left behind an impression, a horrible feeling that no amount of scrubbing could get rid of.
Taking out a killer sounded easy, necessary. Actually taking a life, no matter how dark and twisted that life was, left a stain. It didn’t matter what he had done. It mattered what I had done.
Once my skin started to feel raw, I started on my hair. Getting the mess that had been the newly bitten out of that was a bit more challenging. When my fingers came across thicker bits dry heaves wracked me again. But I didn’t stop until long after the water ran clean. Tears stung my eyes. I scrubbed at my face, trying to wash them away along with the guilt they carried. I was a killer now. That reverberated down deep into me, down to my soul. It was the kind of thing you couldn’t wash off. The realization only made me scrub harder.
I kept smelling blood. No matter how I scrubbed, it wouldn’t go away. It took a while for me to realize the scent came from my bloody paw prints on the river bank. I ducked my head under the water to escape the smell for a moment. While submerged, it occurred to me that I would need to exit the river away from the paw prints to cover my tracks. Like a murderer. But then, I guess that’s what I was now.
Opening my eyes beneath the water, I watched the dark landscape of rocks as the current carried me slowly downriver. In spots it was barely deep enough to swim, but I managed. Being barely a buck ten at five-foot-five had its advantages. If only it had kept me from being the reaper. Drifting weightless in the cool water accentuated the numbness I felt. As a shifter, my body temp ran hot enough to keep me warm even in the snow run-off fed rivers of Montana. Part of me wished it didn’t so the numbness could work its way deep enough to stop me from feeling the pain.
But no, that would be wrong. I deserved to feel this pain.
Kicking off the sandy bottom, I pushed myself to the surface. The night air brought a scent to me that I’d been dreading. Vidar was nearby. Much as I might want to, I couldn’t avoid him forever. I walked from the river and found a dry boulder to sit on. While I waited for him, I wrung out my hair and started to weave it into a braid. By the time I finished, he emerged from the tree line. Though I knew the river had washed me clean, I couldn’t help but look down to make sure. Only then did it occur to me that I was naked as the day I entered this world.
It shouldn’t bother me. Vidar had seen me naked innumerable times when we were kids. Due to the need to get naked to shift, werewolves weren’t shy by nature. But this was different. Vidar hadn’t seen me naked in years. I was of mating age now. And he was the only person I had ever wanted to mate with. My body responded before I could stop it. Suddenly I wished I had left my hair loose so it would cover my nipples, which stood at attention. Damn traitorous body.
The tense lines of Vidar’s silhouette shot a spike of guilt through me. Running away had been cowardly. But then, he should know all about that. It wasn’t fair to think that, not knowing that he had gone to the temple for my sake, but I couldn’t help it.
“Ayra, are you all right?” he asked.
The deep notes of his voice did naughty tingly things to me, making the muscles between my legs tighten. Dammit, there couldn’t be a worse time for my sex drive to go haywire. Thinking such thoughts right now made me feel even more monstrous. Where was my damn anger when I needed it?
“I’m not hurt. I just…had to wash,” I said. The memory of the blood and gore forced me to repress a shudder.
Vidar’s nearly silent approach pulled my gaze back to him. The bulge of his arms, the width of his shoulders, how his dark skin helped him melt into the shadows, it all fed my desire. His confident stride and the way he held himself screamed alpha. It took an embarrassing amount of effort to keep my breathing steady. The urge to tackle him and have my way with him forced me to look down or risk doing something I’d really regret. If he wanted me and not the reaper, if I wasn’t engaged, if his vow didn’t stop us, it would be different.
What on Helheimr was wrong with me? How could I even be thinking about that right now?
Head turning away, gaze on the ground, Vidar approached me like I was a deer who might bolt. I couldn’t blame him after the way I’d ran away from the cabin. Even that cautious approach seemed sexy, like a predator closing in on its prey. The closer he got, the more my desire grew. He smelled delicious, like leather, wood, and alpha. Alpha enough even for the reaper. Though it wasn’t fair to Elí, the last part excited me the most. Gods, how I wanted to roll around naked in that scent.
Something had to be seriously wrong with me. To be feeling like this right now was sick. Wasn’t it? Not only did I respect myself more than to settle for a man who wanted me for what—not who—I was, but I had just killed someone.
“Here,” Vidar said as he wrapped something around my shoulders.
I reached up and took hold of the collar of a canvas style tan jacket. Well, it would have been a jacket on Vidar. On me, it was more of a trench coat that would reach my knees once I stood up. It held his amazing scent and the lingering feel of his power. I wrapped it tight around me, taking comfort in it that I wouldn’t allow myself to take in him.
“Thank you,” I said, the words sounding as hollow as I felt.
He started rubbing my arms. Bumps rose on my skin, shooting up my arms, to my nipples, and then straight down between my legs. A desire so powerful it felt like it might consume me, made me shiver. How could I possibly feel this way right now? It was insane.
“You don’t have to face this alone,” he said.
The sound of his deep voice did it to me all over again. Shaking my head, I squeezed my eyes shut and stepped back. The need didn’t disappear when his hands dropped away from my arms, but it withdrew enough for me to think.
“I didn’t want you to see me kill someone,” I said. The words made that hollow emptiness rise up in me again. While it felt more proper than desire, I thought I should feel guilt, or remorse instead. But I couldn’t make those feelings stir.
Vidar took a step toward me. His closeness tugged at me, making me feel like a teenager with raging hormones. Or a wolf in heat.
“You did what you had to. That man had killed, and he would keep killing. Any future victims he would have had, you saved them,” he said. He held up a bloody mess of straps attached to a small action camera. Lips curling up from his teeth in disgust, he said, “Sicko even recorded his kills.”
“I know he was a sicko, but you didn’t see me do it. Vidar, it was easy, too easy.”
He took another step toward me. “You’ve trained to be a fighter your entire life. It was muscle memory, instinct, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
I tried to read how he felt through his power, his stance, but he remained stoic and blocked off from me. Vidar always spoke the truth, though. He wouldn’t lie to me even to make me feel better. But then why was he hiding his emotions? Maybe he was repulsed by the aftermath of what I’d done. He should be. Hel, I should be. And I shouldn’t care if he was. But I did.
“But there’s something wrong with me,” I whispered.
He took my hand. “What do you mean?”
The way his big, dark fingers completely encompassed my small hand renewed the tingling sensation in my stomach. Before it could spread between my legs, I pulled my hand free. I wasn’t going there, for so many reasons.
“I took a life. I should be feeling guilty, remorseful, reflecting on all he could have been, some kind of crap like that. But I only feel…relief.” Gods, it sounded even worse out loud. I shouldn’t have said that. Now he would see the monster I had become. This was exactly why I didn’t want him wit
h me. Something about the man cut right through my filters and common sense.
With an aggressive move that made both my hackles and desire rise, he took my hands in his. When I tried to pull away, he held fast. I could break the hold if I wanted to. It wasn’t a matter of strength, but of leverage and speed. But I didn’t want to get away from him. I wanted closer, a lot closer.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. That is a coping mechanism. It’s how soldiers get through battle, by focusing on survival and processing things later,” he said.
On some level, his words made sense. But all I could think about was how great that deep voice would sound screaming my name at the height of passion.
“Sounds like you’ve been reading up on the subject,” I said in a breathy voice. The reasons for my anger toward him slipped further away with each inch between us that closed.
“I have, though I first learned about that at the temple.” Was that a hint of desire in his voice? No, couldn’t be.
My thumbs started making small circles on the backs of his hands, and I couldn’t stop them. Unwilling to let go, but needing a bit of distance, I stepped back. My heels ran into a boulder. Pulled by our clutched hands, Vidar stepped closer. I leaned back and ended up sitting on the boulder. His legs touched my toes. I ran my feet up along his bare legs until the canvas of his shorts brushed me. All the while chanting in my head to stop, I wrapped my legs around his and locked my ankles together. I pulled his hands down onto the boulder, bending him over so his face was level with mine.
“It’s more than that.” I paused and licked my lips as I stared into his hazel eyes. “I want to climb up all that beautiful, dark skin of yours and ride you like a bull.”
The words liberated me, but they also strengthened my growing need. It didn’t help that Vidar’s breathing sped up.
“Like a bull?” he asked, curiosity and desire deepening his voice. Yes, it was definitely desire. But was it desire for me, or for the uppskera?
I leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Yes, hard and fast, leaving you dripping wet.” The image my own words caused made me wet. I became acutely aware of my nakedness beneath the coat.
A deep groan filled with need rumbled through the big chest so close to mine. “Whatever you need,” he said as he leaned closer. Was that a touch of pain and regret in his tone?
In that moment I knew I could have him right here, right now. The man I had wanted my entire life just offered himself to me. I had imagined this moment so often over the years. But not ever like this. Of course, that was regret in his tone. He had taken a celibacy vow and to break it would be to break him. Discipline and order were Vidar’s life blood. Making him break something he held so dear would only prove me to be the monster of all monsters. And didn’t I deserve better than someone who had abandoned me, who wanted me only because of what I was?
Most importantly, I had made a promise of commitment to Elí. Not only would it be dishonorable—something I vowed never to be—to betray that, but it would mean the Arnoddr pack would never accept me. They were the closest thing to family I’d ever had, far closer than my own blood. They might even banish Elí for a failed engagement.
I scampered backwards off the boulder, coming to stand on the other side of it. “This isn’t right. How can I want to have sex after just having murdered someone? What kind of sick person am I?”
Sadness filled Vidar’s eyes. He shook his head. “You’re not sick, or a monster. You, the werewolf who takes in stray cats and helps pups who are being bullied. You could never be a monster.” He started to work his way around the boulder. “Being in a life and death situation stimulates your most basic survival instinct; the one to mate. You’re feeling it so strongly because of that. I shouldn’t have offered, but I thought that might be what you need.”
Something about that rubbed my fur the wrong way. “Why are you so concerned about what I need?” More like what the uppskera needed, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that.
The way his shoulders sagged almost made me regret sounding so harsh, but the furtive way his gaze darted to the ground made me glad I’d said it. The posture reminded me of how he’d been when we were kids and there was something he was afraid to tell me.
“Because I’m your friend. And I want to be your verndari,” he said in a voice so quiet, if I didn’t possess the heightened hearing of a werewolf, I wouldn’t have heard him.
He didn’t want me. He wanted to placate the uppskera, to help fight back the murderous rage the temple had told him would grip me. A rage that had slipped away like smoke at his touch alone. It came scratching back.
“You learned a lot about the uppskera at the temple. Didn’t they get suspicious of all the questions you asked? What aren’t you telling me?” I demanded.
His head rose and the strength that filled his eyes banished the little boy who was concerned about my reaction. Power radiated out from him like a furnace. The heat pulled at the wolf within, and the woman. My legs moved me a step closer before I even realized it. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about what he was hiding, but if he said it naked with me riding him, all the better.
No. That was not acceptable.
Vidar was worth far more to me than just a means to scratch an itch. Even if it would mean scratching that itch really, really well. And if I was being honest with myself, I wanted him to want me, not the uppskera. And I would not be the reason he broke a vow for which he’d never forgive himself. To keep my head, I had to close my eyes as he strode over to me. The image of his fine body lingered behind my eyelids. I knew I should circle around to the opposite side of the boulder, but I couldn’t bring myself to move away from him. This was survival instinct he’d said. I could control it. When his footsteps stopped, I opened my eyes.
He extended his hand to me. “Walk with me, please.”
Even if I wanted to argue and get mad, this was Vidar. I couldn’t turn away from him, especially not if seeing the man I had killed didn’t scare him off. He was the one true friend I had. Pathetic, considering he had abandoned me for the past four years. But I had no one else. Ignoring his outstretched hand, I crossed my arms beneath my breasts and motioned for him to lead the way into the dark forest.
Chapter Seven
Vidar
An unstoppable rush of words about the aftereffects of reaping—complete with hand gestures, and sound effects—issued from me. Of all the nervous habits to have, mine had to be spewing my thoughts without filters. I couldn’t blame Ayra when her fangs extended and she gritted her teeth during the first mile of our trek. She let me talk until I stopped, not interrupting to put in so much as a single word. It made it worse. I started to ramble.
If this went south, I could lose her forever. Someone else could end up her verndari. If that happened, I didn’t know what I’d do.
She made an exasperated noise. “For four years, my best friend all but fell off the face of the planet, abandoning me, or so I thought. You couldn’t have mentioned this in the sporadic letters you sent me during the first three years you were there?” Her anger burned so hot I felt it in the air. “You could have used code, or something, I don’t know. You should have found a way to tell me.” The edge in her voice grew sharper with each word.
She had me there. If I had told her, maybe she wouldn’t be engaged to someone else. I focused hard on the brightening forest before me. “They would have found out, and I would have been kicked out of the Order. Someone else would have ended up as your verndari. I couldn’t stand the idea of not even having a chance.” I had to swallow hard before going on.
Growling, she stopped, grabbed my arm, and yanked me around to face her. The fierce look in her eyes excited me so much my breath caught in my throat. Kink wasn’t my thing, but strong women were, and she looked downright ferocious. Gods, I wanted her so bad. Before I realized it, I reached out and brushed a stray lock of pale hair from her cheek. Anger drained from her eyes when I cupped that cheek. She leaned slightly into my hand.
A long sigh eased from her, the warmth of it brushing my hand with the barest touch. Heat spread out from that touch. Helheimr! Why did my body always take over my mind when it came to her? Now was not the time. That was not what she needed. Even if it was, she hadn’t chosen me yet so my vow of celibacy was still an issue. Then there was Elí. I forced my hand to drop away slowly.
Her eyes slid closed and she nodded. “I want to say I understand, but, Vidar, we used to tell each other everything.” The tired sound of her voice worried me.
“I know. I’m so sorry.” But if I had, they would have kicked me out of the temple for sure, and I couldn’t have risked that. It would have meant being left in the wings while another person stood at her side through all this. That would have broken me.
She started walking again, this time at a slow pace. The angry crackle to her power receded a little. One glance back at me was all it took for me to dash to her side. “What if I don’t want a verndari?” she asked.
My answer came slowly, having to be dredged up and forced out. “You could lose yourself and become a killing machine with one purpose and no conscience or mercy. It happened to every uppskera throughout history that did not have a verndari. At least, that’s what the Order says.”
Sighing, she ran a hand through her hair, which was now mostly dry. “The verndari would travel with me, see me reap.”
“I don’t have to be there for the reaping, no. But immediately after, yes. I would need to stay close to you. I would want to stay close to you.” I hadn’t meant for that last part to come out.
“Sounds like something Elí is better suited for.”
The words stabbed at me deep down. “It takes special training. And then there’s your lightning channeling. No one is better suited to help you with that than me.” I had to clear my throat before I could say the rest. “And I…shouldn’t have tried to kiss you, shouldn’t have offered to have sex with you. It was overstepping by a mile. I didn’t mean to disrespect you or Elí. I’m sorry. It won’t be an issue again.”
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