The Barbershop Seven

by Douglas Lindsay

  Brother Babel. Barney continued to stare at the ceiling. He hadn't spoken to the man. He'd had a Brother Cadfael haircut, albeit one administered by the wayward hand of Adolphus; had obviously eaten a little too many doughnuts. What else? Nothing, nothing at all. Just another man he had hardly known, and who was now dead.

  How had he managed to be so foolish as to come to this place? But then, how could he have known? He had read an article about the monks and their solitary existence, cut off from the world, in the Herald the previous spring. It had seemed such a natural place to hide when the whole of the Western world was looking for him. But as soon as he'd arrived...

  Could he have brought some evil with him? Some malign spirit?

  'How was he killed, Brother Abbot?' asked Adolphus. He had not been part of the previous investigations, but had heard the rumours of stabbing, as had all the others.

  'With a comb,' said the Abbot.

  Barney heard the gasp of Adolphus. Only just managed to contain his own gasp.

  'He was combed to death?' said Adolphus, having never heard of such a thing.

  'The comb had been rammed into his mouth, forcing his tongue back down his throat, so that he choked on it. That is what dear Brother Frederick seems to think.'

  'Good heavens, Brother! A comb. But there would be only one brother in our midst with a comb.'

  'Exactly. Brother Jacob. Oh dear, oh dear. I really shouldn't have insisted that Herman be so easy on him after the murder of Brother Morgan with his scissors. It appears that it all ties up. These deaths did not start until Jacob came among us, and within a few short days of his being here, three of our number have been killed. Now a second with an implement under Jacob's control. We must find the wretched brother, and we must find Brother Herman. God help us if anything should have happened to him.'

  'This is indeed a most wretched business, Brother. Is there no way we could get a message to the outside?'

  'Listen,' said the Abbot. And Brother Adolphus listened to the winds of the blizzard batter against the side of the monastery. 'We are trapped, Brother, only ourselves and our Lord to protect us. I shall put it around the monks, see if there is one of the younger ones brave enough to go out into the storm, but it is hardly something I can ask.'

  Because it would appear that we cannot rely on our Lord, thought the Abbot, something he did not dare voice. Wondered why they had been deserted, and why this evil had come to them.

  'Come, Brother Adolphus, we must find Brother Herman and tell him this most grievous news. Then we must apprehend Jacob. And the body of dear Babel, he must be brought in from the cold. By God, this is a most heinous day.'

  The footsteps receded quickly from the library, the heavy door closed and the sound vanished behind the heavy oak. Silence.

  Barney Thomson still stared at the ceiling. In a trance. Suspected of murders which he hadn't committed. And yet, could he be a schizophrenic? Did he lose himself sometimes in his sleep? All the murders had been at night. And for all his trouble drifting off, once he'd gone off he slept soundly. Not even dreams. Perhaps he sleepwalked; sleep-murdered. Disposed of the bodies, then slipped back into bed. Murder committed and none the wiser. He'd heard of it happening.

  And if not that, was someone trying to frame him, because he was the newest monk and the obvious suspect? Brother Martin perhaps? Or even Brother Herman himself? That was a possibility, he thought, but there was nothing he could do about it. He had no defence, and he was the outsider. There was no reason why he would get a fair trial from these people. He knew how dangerous religious fanaticism could be. He'd read books, discussed it over many a pint with Bill Taylor. But there was no getting out; no escaping the monastery. He would be a fool to head off into the hills in this weather; as certain a suicide as putting a gun to his head. He had to find some hiding place in the monastery, then wait out the storm. Go on the run when the weather had broken, before they could get in the outside agencies of the law. Once the police had been called, he was done. Barney Thomson dropped his eyes from the ceiling to the floor. There were no answers to be found, but he had to move quickly. His temporary respite had gone; he was once again a fugitive. Perhaps he ought to make himself known to the Abbot, to defend himself. By running he would be implicated beyond any doubt in their eyes. But he could not believe that he would be judged fairly. He'd heard the Abbot's own words, and they'd sounded like those of a man whose mind was already made up.

  And so, just like he had when he'd accidentally killed Wullie Henderson eight and a half months previously, he would once again avoid confrontation with the authorities for as long as he could.

  He stood up, leaned against the shelving. He felt weak, but knew he must hide quickly. As he considered the monastery buildings and whether he could find somewhere to hide where he wouldn't die of cold, he wondered if outside there might be some part of these islands where the name Barney Thomson would not be considered evil, where someone called Barney Thomson might walk a free man. He was not to know the headline in that morning's Scotsman: Bring Me the Head of Barney Thomson, Screams First Minister.

  Big Davie The Plough

  'Aye, aye, it's a long time since we had one of you lot up from Glasgow, and a' that, you know,' said Big Davie.

  The snowplough ground slowly towards Durness. Mulholland, Sheep Dip and Proudfoot were squeezed into the cab, thighs pressed against thighs. Sheep Dip took large bites from a small chocolate bar, and Mulholland could feel himself resenting every mouthful, as if it reduced his space by some infinitesimal amount. A doppelgänger for his annoyance at not getting to press his legs against Proudfoot.

  'You're from Glasgow yourself, then?' said Proudfoot.

  'Oh, aye. My mother and father split up when I was a wean. My mum took us back to Cambuslang, you know. Load of shite. Came back up here as soon as I could get away without her phoning the Daily Record. Haven't seen her in about six year. Daft cow.'

  Mulholland stared at the snow on the road ahead. Mind numbed. Big Davie looked across Mulholland and Sheep Dip, who for his purposes might not have been there, at the alluring Proudfoot.

  'So, you're a woman, then?' he said.

  Proudfoot didn't look round. She stared at the snow on the road. Didn't really have an answer for that. Hadn't thought about it in a while.

  'Check the big brain on Davie,' said Mulholland, muttering.

  'Aye,' said Big Davie, 'I notice these things. It's not often you get a woman polis around here, you know. Not that you look like a polis, or anything like that.'

  'So what do I look like?' she said.

  Big Davie gave Mulholland a quick glance.

  'One of they supermodels or a film star or something,' he said.

  It was a crap line; but it'd worked in the seedy bars of Bettyhill and Scrabster. Wee Alison McVitie; Big Janice McLeod; Esther The Bedtester Cummins; Phyllis Froglegs Duncan; Big Effie MacFarlane. The list was long.

  Mulholland laughed. Proudfoot switched from cynicism to annoyance. Sheep Dip cracked open a bag of Maltesers and popped six of them into his mouth. He'd had the same thoughts about Proudfoot himself, but he knew what Mrs Dip would have to say about it. The Big Mary incident had just about been the last straw.

  'Piss off, you,' said Proudfoot, addressing Mulholland.

  'Aye,' said Big Davie, seeing his opportunity, 'could see you on one of they magazine covers, you know. Cosmo or something.'

  'Aye,' said Mulholland. 'Erin Proudfoot on why she's shagged her last beefburger.'

  'Would you shut your face?' she said.

  'Aye,' said Big Davie, 'you get a lot of they polis women who are absolute stankmonsters, you know. Look like they could crush a cannonball between their thighs. A bit of rough. You'll know what I mean,' he said to Mulholland. Nudged him in the ribs

  'Aye,' he replied. Already wondering if he should commandeer the snowplough. Toss Big Davie into a snowdrift. He glanced at him. Big Davie was well named. Not unlike Big Effie MacFarlane.

  'The only time yo
u usually get a good-looking bit of pig crumpet is on the telly, you know. Like yon Charlie's Angels or something like that. See yon Farrah Fawcett. She's got a face like a bag of spanners the now, you know, but see when she was younger, I'd've dragged my balls three mile over broken glass just to wank in her shadow. All tits and arse and no brains in her heid. You can't beat that in a bird.'

  Why is it, thought Mulholland, that wherever you go in life, you will always find a Glaswegian talking pish?

  'So how long you been in the polis, then, hen?' asked Big Davie. Time to turn on the charm.

  'Ten years,' said Proudfoot. Couldn't be bothered with him, but she'd spent all her life talking to idiots like this, so she could do it and switch off at the same time. And it was annoying Mulholland.

  'Ten year, eh? Stoatir. You must have caught a few criminals in that time, eh?'

  'Aye, one or two,' she said.

  'Brilliant. I mean, being a woman, and all that, you know. 'Cause women just aren't like us, you know. In't that right, Chief,' he said. Nudged Mulholland again.

  'Ever thought of being a policeman yourself?' said Mulholland dryly.

  The snowplough ground on; slower than a slow Sunday when it's raining outside, the BBC are showing a forty year-old Doris Day movie, and Sky have plumped for Motherwell versus Dundee.

  'The one that always gets me,' said Big Davie, 'is the toilet thing.'

  For a second he concentrated on a tight bend in the road, leaving them in suspense. When he resumed on a short straighter section, he said nothing. Knew how to hook an audience, did Big Davie. Well aware of the nation's scatological fascination. Did not have to wait long.

  'Go on, then,' said Proudfoot. 'You're going to explain that at some point, so you might as well get it over with.'

  Sheep Dip tilted back his head and poured the remaining Maltesers down his throat.

  'Think about it,' said Big Davie, lifting a finger. 'You'll know what I'm getting at, Big Man. How many times have you been sitting in the boozer, in a crowd, you know; a few blokes, a few birds, and then one of the women'll say, I'm away for a pish. Then the next thing is that there's some other bird saying no bother, hen, I need one myself, I'll come with you, and off they go, hand in hand to the bog. How many times have you seen that?'

  'Lost count,' replied Mulholland.

  'Hundreds,' said Sheep Dip, chocolate in his teeth.

  'Exactly. So what I want to know is, what do they do when they get there? I mean, no one's saying they're screaming lesbians, or anything like that, you know. So what is it they do? I mean, if you're sitting there and some bloke says to you, I'm going for a pish, want to come? what are you going to think? You think, this guy's a bloody poof and I'm going to kick his heid in. There's just no way on this earth that two guys are going to go to the bog together, unless they're flaming, know what I mean? But with women it's different. They quite happily swan off to the bog, arm in arm, to squeeze into the same cubicle together and compare knickers.'

  They left him to it. Proudfoot tried to remember the last time she'd gone to the toilet accompanied, and had to admit it hadn't been too long ago. Mulholland drummed a mental finger.

  'Course,' said Big Davie, 'if I was a woman, I expect I'd need some help going for a pish. I mean, it's no' as if they've got anything to hang on to. Who knows, eh?'

  He didn't get an answer. The snowplough was another fifty yards nearer Durness. Big Davie had not finished.

  'Oh, aye, that was another good-looking bird. What was her name? The one in Cagney and Lacy? The blonde bit. Good-looking bit of stuff. Shite programme, of course, but she was all right, you know. I mean, back then. She's nothing to look at now, mind, but see ten year ago, I'd've smeared my balls in raw meat and swum through shark-infested waters just to get a whiff of her armpit.'

  Mulholland wondered if he could arrest Big Davie for talking mince in adverse weather conditions.

  'I think that might just about be it, though. What do you think, Big Man?'

  Mulholland didn't reply. How about driving a snowplough under the influence of stupidity?

  'See, that's my point, hen,' said Big Davie, once more directing his attention to Proudfoot. 'Usually good looking women don't join the polis. But here you are, pure in there, and all that. A dream thing in uniform. A babe in blue. A bit of snatch with some authority. You can't beat it. So, what's the score?'

  One of the great laws of physics, she thought. Proudfoot's law, number eight hundred and thirty-five. If you're in a snowplough with two guys – she ignored Sheep Dip; Sheep Dip was like having a dog along for the ride – one of whom you want to smother in ice cream, and one of whom you wouldn't touch with a stick the length of the diameter of the universe, you can guarantee that it'll be the pre-humanoid who makes the move.

  'Not sure, you smooth-talking bastard,' she said. Which was the truth. 'Enjoyed it on TV, I suppose. Always wanted to be in the police.'

  'Right,' said Big Davie. 'No bother, hen. Sometimes it just seems like life leads you one way or the other and there's nothing you can do about it. You're just drifting down the river without a paddle, the trees of the forest passing you by, like shite off a stick.'

  'Aye,' she said. 'Something like that.'

  'Very existentialist,' said Mulholland. He'd had enough.

  'Existentialist, Big Man?' said Big Davie.

  'Whatever.'

  'Do you actually know what existentialist means?'

  Mulholland didn't answer.

  'Are you saying that living a life where you drift from one course of action to another without rhyme nor reason, with no control over any eventuality, is an existentialist existence? Clearly, you've no idea what you're talking about. The existentialist ideal covers a shit-load of doctrines denying objective universal values, holding that a bloke's got to create they values for himself through action, and by living each moment to the full. Carpe diem and all that. What's that got to do with drifting aimlessly through life taking what comes, like your gorgeous sidekick here?'

  'My life's not aimless,' said Proudfoot.

  'Now that you've met me?' he said hopefully.

  Mulholland raised his eyes. Wanted to be anywhere else on the planet. Back policing Partick Thistle home games. Anything.

  'Looking for a date tonight, Davie?' she said.

  'You asking?' said Big Davie.

  'Davie, if the choice was between a night out with you and three hours with a headache and a nine-tonne earth remover wedged up my nose, I'd reach for the Nurofen and take my chances with the JCB.'

  'Oh,' he said. Swept powerfully round a tight corner.

  'So sex is out of the question, then?'

  'Aye.'

  'Fair enough,' he said. Rejection was no problem. Big Davie's Law of Acquisition: if you propositioned a hundred women a week and ninety-nine refused, you were still getting a shag.

  Time to move on. Or back, as it might have been.

  ***

  The snowplough chugged noisily away on up the road, heading for Rhiconich and on to Laxford Bridge, where it would meet up with the plough from Ullapool. Proudfoot, Mulholland and Sheep Dip watched it go for a few seconds, glad to be released; then they walked up the drive of the first B&B in Durness.

  This one to check, two hotels, then they would take it from there. They were unsure where the next hotels were going to be down the road; unsure how they were going to get there. Each of them thinking privately that they might have been coming to the end of the road. For all the obvious signs and myriad clues, it could be that Barney Thomson had just disappeared into the ether. They could spend a pointless night in Durness and then what? Turn back, head down to Glasgow, give it another few days before the Chief Super kicked them both off the case and lined up some other sacrificial dope to take the drop. The future.

  Mulholland rang the bell and waited.

  'You all right?' said Proudfoot. Annoyed for feeling concern.

  Mulholland grunted.

  'Feel like I've just had my balls dragge
d over broken glass for three miles,' he said.

  'Oh aye. And whose shadow are you going to wank in?'

  Voice with a sudden edge. Mulholland looked round. Felt a dryness in the throat. Sheep Dip stared at the not-so-distant hills, watching the storm coming slowly towards them.

  The door opened.

  'Bit of a cold day to be out,' said the old man.

  The moment had passed. They looked at him. Mulholland held out his ID card.

  'Good afternoon, sir. Chief Inspector Mulholland, Sergeants Proudfoot and Dipmeister. Just doing a few rounds in the area. We were wondering if you've had this man staying at your house in the last couple of weeks.'

  He showed him the picture. The man tutted loudly, and shook his head.

  'That'll be yon eejit who caused Alan Hansen and Wullie Miller to collide against Russia in Spain in '82?'

  'Don't believe everything you read in the papers,' said Mulholland.

  'Aye, well, you shouldn't just dismiss everything either.'

  'Anyway, that's not really our concern. Have you had him as a guest here, or have you heard of him staying in any other establishment in the town?'

  He tutted loudly once more. 'Ach, away and boil your heid son, we're in Durness, and this is a respectable establishment. Yon serial killers stay in houses with the windows boarded up and all that kind of thing.'

  'Bit of a sweeping assumption, Mr...?'

  'Strachan, James Strachan, that's me.'

  'Well, Mr Strachan, you can't be too sure. You're positive that no one remotely resembling this has stayed at your house? Maybe under a different name, or with a slightly different appearance?'

  James Strachan hesitated. He wondered if he should express his wife's suspicions. Thought, Ach, what does she know, the daft old pudding?

  'Ach, no, son, no one like that. Why don't you try some dodgy area of Glasgow, or one of those places?'

  'We know him to have been in this area.'

  'Oh, is that right, now?'

  'Aye.'

  'Well, well. Still, we've not had him here. Why don't you try the Cape Wrath Hotel down the road? Big place, yon. Would have space for a serial killer or two in the basement, no doubt.'