The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I still his hand, needing to control this. “As much as I want to feel your hand around my dick, and trust me, I really do. I don’t want it to happen here. I don’t want you to do this and then go home regretting it. Take the night and think about what you want. If we do this now and you regret it then there is a lot at risk. I like my job, I get to train this really hot fighter and I quite like to watch his arse when he runs.”

  He laughs at me, but I can see that he knows I'm making sense. He leans his head against mine and it takes everything in me not to just say ‘fuck it’ and give in to what we both want.

  “That makes sense. Can you do something for me though?”

  I put my hands on his face, lifting his head up until he's looking into my eyes. “Anything.” And I mean it, I would do anything for this guy and it scares me. I’ve only known him a few days but this is more than just instant attraction. There is just something about him, something that makes me want him more than anyone else I’ve met.

  “Can you be the one to walk away, I don’t think I can.”

  I kiss him on the forehead before stepping back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Zeke. Don’t be late.” I wink at him before I unlock the door and leave the hall, and the man I want, behind.

  Chapter 8

  I’m pretty sure I’ve been hard for the last twenty-four hours. I’ve tried every possible thing to relieve it, but as soon as I think it’s under control I see Zeke and I'm back to square one all over again. Today’s training was like an endurance test of the hardest variety. Being so close to him but not being able to touch him or talk to him about last night is driving me insane. At one point I was actually going to claim illness just to get some time away from him to give myself a minute to breathe. He’s all consuming and it’s a little unnerving, I haven’t been able to think of anything but him since the moment I met him.

  All the guys went out again tonight but I managed to avoid them until they’d left. My head is too messed up to go and pretend that everything’s okay. I need time to be by myself and think. So after they all left I locked the front door and hit the running machine. Now an hour later my body is exhausted but unfortunately, my mind isn’t. I was hoping that I could make it stop thinking for a little while by focusing on my stride, but apparently I'm not destined to get peace until I sort out this thing with Zeke.

  I lift my head and rinse the last of the shampoo from my hair. I wasn’t going to take a shower, but I couldn’t avoid it after sweating so much today. My mind has been racing all day, but since I came into the stall all I can think about is everything that’s happened in here. I seem to have had most of my ‘encounters’ with Zeke in these fucking showers, a fact that my dick apparently remembers all too well. I turn off the water and grab a towel, wrapping it around my waist as I walk to my locker. I need to start showering at home, or at a hotel, anywhere that isn’t here really. Too much has happened in this room for my mind not to go to places it really shouldn’t.

  I reach up to grab my deodorant from the top shelf of my locker and my towel slips from my hips a little. When I step back I meet a warm body and I let out a shocked cry. The body doesn’t move and a hand moves around to my stomach, making my muscles quiver under his touch.

  Warm breath meets my ear before his words do. “I haven’t been able to think about anything today except what you look like naked. I want to know if you’re as hard as I imagined.” My breath stutters at Zeke’s words, but his roaming hand has me panting like a damn dog. He runs his hand over my abs, his fingers moving and caressing the ridges. If I hadn’t been hard the instant I heard his voice in my ear then this would certainly have done the trick. Just feeling his hand investigating is making me light headed.

  “I swear you make me so fucking hard. I don’t know what it is about you but I need you. Mmm… I'm not used to such hard bodies. I'm used to soft curves, but you are perfection. I like how you feel. Fuck, Bryce, I want you so bad.” His lips move against my ear as he talks softly, making me push back into him and wish there wasn’t a towel between us. His hand moves lower, his little finger moving under the edge of my towel, making it come undone slightly.

  “I watched you all day, did you know that? I couldn’t keep my fucking eyes off you and spent most of the day with a hard on. I thought about what happened last night, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to make you come.”

  The groan that leaves me should be embarrassing but I just don’t care when he's talking to me like this and his hands are on me. He moves away from me slightly before tugging my towel. I feel it give way and pool around my feet. He immediately presses his body against me and his hardness pushes between my arse cheeks. I grind back, loving the feeling of him there but wanting so much more.

  “Shit, you feel so good against me. I could come from just feeling you there.” His words are quiet as his lips brush against my ear. I want to talk to him, tell him that he needs to touch me but I can’t seem to form words. All my blood rushes to my dick, making it difficult to think, or see, or do anything other than listen and feel. My legs start to shake and I lean into him more for support. His hand slides down and wraps around my dick with his fingers rubbing gently over the length of me.

  “Zeke.” It’s the only word I can manage and I hope it conveys everything I want to say. I want to tell him to move faster, to never stop touching me, to claim me, but I can only focus on his hand, the way it’s moving on my body. I've not been touched by many people, my experience limited, but I'm sure that this might be the most erotic thing to happen to me. His palm is warm as it moves up and down my length. His thumb rubs over my head, spreading pre-cum across my pulsing cock.

  “Fuck, Bryce.” His words come out on a growl and my head drops back onto his shoulder, the muscles in my body melting at the sound. His hand brushes over my balls, pulling them slightly before moving up my dick and twisting his hand over the head. As he rubs, the feelings become too much. I can already feel the tingle in the base of my spine and I know I'm not going to last much longer. I need to warn him that it’s going to end soon, that he feels too good against my skin and that I can’t control myself, but again I can’t get the words out.

  “Zeke.” I know I'm going to think back to this moment often, and I'm always going to wish I was able to do more, or anything, but right now I don’t care.

  The pressure on my dick increases and I groan as I feel my balls pull up into my body, preparing to shoot everything I have all over Zeke’s hand.

  “That’s it, baby. I want to feel you come. Give me it.” He bites down on my shoulder and I know it’s over, the last little bit of control I had disappears. I close my eyes and groan, feeling my orgasm work its way through my body as I shatter. There are lights flickering behind my closed eyelids and I'm panting, trying to get some control over my body. I'm brought back from my visit to heaven by feeling soft lips on my neck. I manage to straighten my legs so I'm taking my own weight.

  “Fucking perfect. And just so you know, you make me come in my pants like a twelve year old boy as well.” One final kiss and he's gone, vanishing almost as quietly as he appeared.

  I drop my head against the locker and try to work out what the fuck just happened. I lost all control, the need to feel Zeke overshadowing the need for common sense. He controlled my body like an expert, knowing exactly how to touch me, where to touch me. Last night I walked away, gave him a chance to think about what had happened, and he came back to me. I wanted him to make the first move, and I think he just proved that he might be a little more comfortable than I thought he would be. The one thing I know for sure about what just happened is that I have just had the best orgasm of my life.

  I pull my truck into my driveway and bang my head on the steering wheel a few times trying to knock some sense into myself. What the fuck was I thinking going in there tonight? I’d only wanted to talk to Bryce but when I saw him standing there with his tight body stretched to grab something from the locker, I couldn’t do anything to stop myself. I
had a primal need to touch him and give him pleasure like he's never had before. I laugh to myself. Bryce is obviously gay, even though he’s never come out and said it to me, so I'm sure that what I just did wasn’t exactly as mind blowing as I think. The guy could stop traffic with his looks and body. I'm pretty sure there were a few broken hearts when he left England. No, what I just did to him was mind blowing for me, a life altering moment that means everything, but I'm sure it was just a normal Saturday night for Bryce. For some reason that thought makes me feel a little worthless. I want to be important to him, someone that he sees a future with. Whoa, what the fuck am I talking about? I think that I need to slow down and work out what this thing is between us.

  I shuffle in my seat and remember that I still have a mess in my shorts I need to deal with. After making my way inside, I strip off the offending piece of clothing and throw it towards the hamper before getting under the hot water of my shower. I honestly cannot believe I came in my shorts. I’ve never done that before in my life. I had managed to hold myself together and not given in to the pleasure of his ass against my cock. Rubbing against his ass felt amazing, it felt like something I’ve been missing my whole life. His muscles were firm and my cock fit perfectly between his ass cheeks. God, even the thought of it is getting me hard. I thought I was doing well controlling the urges until he shot his load into my hand. When I felt the warm liquid hit my palm I lost it and filled my shorts with my own mind-blowing orgasm. Groaning I hit my head on the tiles and let the water hit the back of my neck. I’ve no idea what I'm doing and I have no idea why it feels so good. I spent all day watching him, my eyes involuntarily finding him wherever he was. The memory of his mouth from the night before made sure I was hard for the whole fucking day. I cannot begin to explain how many times I wanted to go, pin him to a wall and taste him again. If some of the looks he had given me through the day where anything to go by, I think he was feeling the same way. I don’t know if it was the fact that he walked away the night before or the thrill of the unknown that had me going back to the gym tonight. I let myself in with my set of keys after sitting in the car park for nearly an hour waiting for everyone to leave, waiting for him to be alone so we could talk. I didn’t know what I was going to walk into, but I had to see him.

  I turn off the shower and don’t even bother drying myself as I walk into my room and collapse onto my bed. I lie there, just staring at the ceiling, hoping that the answers to all my questions will suddenly appear. I list the questions that I need answers for in my head and try to rationalize the answers. Am I attracted to Bryce? I have never been more attracted to anyone in my life, which I’m still finding incredibly surprising. Can I handle the fact I'm attracted to a man? I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t handle walking away without seeing where this could go. And the last and probably the most important question: am I gay or possibly bi? I know the answer to that should be no, I had it drummed into me from a young age that wanting to be with a guy is wrong and that there is no way that I could be gay. Apparently my body didn’t get the memo though, and it’s finding its pleasure in the hard muscled body of Bryce. This leads to another important question, am I attracted to men, or am I attracted to just Bryce? This is a question I can answer easily and the answer makes me smile. It is one hundred percent Bryce.

  I lift my body up and get under the sheet, suddenly needing sleep like I need my next fight. The last few days have been difficult and my mind has been constantly running at a hundred miles per hour making it nigh on impossible to sleep. Maybe now that I’ve made a decision I will get some rest. I’ve made my decision? I must have decided at some point what I was going to do. I just hadn’t actually admitted it to myself. I take a deep breath and let the thought cross my mind, cementing it there so I know the truth clearly. I want Bryce Tanner and I will have him no matter what.

  “No son of mine is gay. There’s no way that’s gonna happen, I didn’t produce a faggot.”

  I bolt upright in bed with sweat dripping down my body. It’s been a long time since my dad’s invaded my dreams and I can say with great certainty that I haven’t missed him. I turn and put my feet on the floor, leaning my elbows on my knees and hold my head in my hands. Fuck, I hate it when I dream about him. He had made me feel so ashamed when I came to him for advice, and I can still feel it running through me now. I get up from my bed and grab a pair of running shorts. When the nightmares hit the best thing to do is to work out and hope that exhaustion will take the visions.

  I look at the clock beside my bed and realize that I still have another couple of hours before I need to get up for training. Fuck. I scrub my hands over my face as my mind battles with all the thoughts running through it. I can’t help but hear my dad’s words repeat through my head, and I know I'm hearing them because of Bryce. I made decisions last night, one that will change everything, and I know that my mind must be freaking out. It’s like a battle is raging in my head, between my dad and Bryce. The man who shaped who I am today, and the man who could shape my future.

  When the noise in my head becomes too much, I use my fist to hit the side of my head in an attempt to knock everything out. I'm sick of thinking, of constantly doubting what I feel and think. I just want it all to be quiet for a while. I pull on a wife beater and grab my sneakers as I rush out of the house. I need to run, to feel my feet hit the pavement as music drowns out the world. Before I leave the house I type out a text, sending it before I have time to think about it. I throw my phone onto the couch, grab my iPod and leave.

  I check my watch again and see that Zeke is now nearly an hour late. I would be slightly worried in normal circumstances, but after what happened last night I'm even more concerned. I seem to spend a lot of time worrying about what happened the day before with Zeke. I feel like I'm constantly trying to rationalize what’s between us to myself, and it’s driving me insane.

  I walk over to Eddie’s office and pop my head through the door.

  “You haven’t heard from Zeke today have you?”

  He looks up from the papers on his desk and shakes his head. “I haven’t, son. Have you lost him already?” He laughs at his own comment and I force a smile to my face. There’s no way that Eddie can discover what’s happening, or not happening, between Zeke and me. I’m pretty sure I would be fired before I finished my explanation. Not that I could explain something I don’t understand myself.

  “I don’t think so, but you never know with him. I think I need to get him a new alarm clock.”

  He points to the chair across the desk from him and I sigh inside, knowing there’s no way to say no to Eddie. I sit, trying to look as relaxed as possible.

  “So how’s our boy doing?” The way he says ‘our boy’ has my heart beating a little faster. Little does he know how much I want him to be my boy. I came to the decision last night, after Zeke nearly caused me heart failure with only his hands, that I was willing to do whatever he wanted. If it meant letting him explore while he came to terms with it all, then I would swallow my pride for a while and let him have me. I haven’t felt a connection with anyone since Austin, and truthfully I didn’t think I ever would again, so now that the opportunity is there I don’t want to pass it up. I am pretty sure attraction like this doesn’t come around very often, and I’ve been so fucking lonely. It’s nice to have someone who wants me, someone that makes me feel again.

  “He’s doing great. There have been a few moments where I thought I might be losing the fight with him but he realized that I actually know what I'm talking about. His strength is improving and his technique hasn’t suffered despite his injury.”

  Eddie nods his head and sits back in his chair. It’s hard to have a conversation with him. He’s the quiet type that doesn’t give much away.

  “That’s good. Just thought I would check, you know, to make sure you were working well. Well I’ll let you go and find the runaway.” And with that he goes back to the papers on his desk, basically dismissing me.

  I walk back to
the changing rooms to grab my mobile phone to call Zeke and find out where he is. When I unlock it I see a text from him and relief flows through me. The relief is short lived when I open the message.

  I won’t be in for a few days.

  That’s it? Just a few words saying he won’t be in? What the fuck is that about? I press his number and try to call him but it rings out before going to his answering service. I try a total of five times to get him to answer but my calls go to voicemail every time. I have a mixture of emotions running through me. There’s worry and sadness, but the most predominant one is anger. I didn’t ask him to touch me yesterday, that was all on him and now he runs? He is affecting his own chances of being ready for his life changing fight and he's acting like a dick, hiding out because he did something that he’s scared to admit. Does he really think that in a few days I will have forgotten about what happened? That I just need a little space to realize that he doesn’t want me and then he can come waltzing back in here like nothing happened? I was willing to be his experiment and let him use me to discover if this is something he wants, but there is no fucking way he’s going to treat me like shit. I will not be someone’s regret, no matter how hot they are. I press reply to his text but decide against it. There is no way this is going to be sorted out over a text message. I dress quickly before slamming my locker door, allowing my anger to come out in the movement. Thankfully I have his address in the file in my car. It’s time I visited Mr. Raine and sorted this out once and for all.

  Chapter 9

  I bang my hand on the door again. I don’t know if he’s out or just ignoring me, but I'm not going anywhere until I talk to him. I hear a noise from inside the house, so at least I know that he's in there, unless it’s someone else. The thought sends dread through my body. It’s not something I had considered when I drove over here. Maybe he has a woman in there, trying to get rid of the memory of me on his skin. I flush, suddenly embarrassed that I'm here causing problems.