The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I went against everything my brain was telling me when I walked into the fight arena. My heart almost stopped in my chest when I saw Zeke in the ring, bouncing on the soles of his feet. He looked stunning up there. The energy bubbling under his skin made him look like a snake waiting to strike. His skin was shining slightly under the lights and he looked like a God, like he could take on the world. I stood in awe watching him, well that was until his opponent threw the first punch. Even though it didn’t look like it had affected Zeke in any way, watching someone try to hurt him had my stomach in my throat. That’s when I knew I had to leave. I couldn’t stand there and watch this. I had just reached the aisle, working my way towards the door when I felt all the hair on the back of my neck stand up on end and that’s when I knew he had seen me. Even from this distance my body knew when it had his attention. I fought against turning around but I knew it was a losing battle. When my eyes connected with his, it was like all the air left my body. It was the first time I had seen him in weeks and the intensity in his stare was immense. It drew me in until the whole arena faded away into the background. I could feel the pull of his eyes, the need to touch him, to hold him and I fought desperately against it but I knew I would give in if I didn’t leave. Thankfully his attention was pulled away from me, allowing me to run before he looked back at me. I almost ran out of those main doors, knowing that I needed to get away before I did something stupid.

  Now I'm standing at his front door, doing that something stupid. I just stand there, not wanting to ring the bell but not wanting to walk away. When did I become this person? I used to be decisive and be able to know exactly what do, but now I don’t know what the hell I'm doing. The door in front of me opens and I stop breathing. Zeke is standing there in just his underwear, a small lamp illuminating him from behind. He looks like a fucking angel, one that I want to dirty up and make sure he doesn’t get back into heaven. We stand and look at each other, neither of us making the first move. My eyes drift over his body even though I know I shouldn’t. I'm pretty sure I came here to talk so I need to keep my eyes on his face.

  “Are you coming in or are we staying here all night? Just so I know if I should go get a jacket or not.”

  I feel the edges of my lips twitch. I’ve missed his attitude, the fact that he doesn’t give a shit about what he says, well unless it’s telling people who he really is, always made me laugh. With that sobering thought I move forward, hoping it will keep me on track for the chat we need to have. I'm doing well until I step inside and Zeke shuts the door behind me. He steps close to me and overloads all my senses. His scent invades my nose and I have to close my eyes as I start to feel light headed. I can feel his body heat behind me as he stands closer than he should be, his breath breezing over the back of my neck making my hair stand on end. It feels as though he’s pressed against me but I know he isn’t touching me at all, and suddenly I want him to. I want to run my hands over his naked flesh, and my tongue, I want to taste every inch of him, inside and out.

  I turn to face him and the look of lust in his eyes almost sears me. I refuse to touch him. I can’t give in to my want for him. That thought is still going through my head as I grab Zeke by the back of the neck and our mouths collide with a passion that threatens to set the world on fire. His taste explodes over my tongue, making my already erect dick excruciatingly hard. I’ve been semi-hard since I spoke to him on the phone, but seeing him and tasting him takes it beyond anything I’ve experienced. I think I'm harder now than when we were together before. I know how good he feels now, so I know what’s to come. I push against his body until he's moving, my lips not leaving his for a second. When his back collides with his front door I keep moving until my chest is pressed tightly against his, his hard dick pushing against mine. I grind into him and when he groans into my mouth I nearly lose the control I have on my orgasm. The next few minutes are a battle for control. We’re all hands and mouths as we reacquaint ourselves with each other’s bodies. The only time our lips disconnect is when he strips my t-shirt over my head. Flesh to flesh we move down the hall to his bedroom. We bounce off walls and I head butt the doorframe, but not once do I stop kissing him.

  When his hands work on the zip of my jeans, I take a minute to try and control my breathing. I'm light headed from the kiss, the lack of oxygen playing havoc with my body and I don’t think it will do any good if I pass out on the floor. My jeans hit the floor, closely followed by my underwear, and I step out of them as Zeke watches me. His eyes feel like they’re caressing me, making my skin burn under the attention. He takes a step forward so our chests almost touch, sparks flying between the inch he’s left between us. I reach out and pull him, closing the final distance between us. I take his lips in a softer kiss this time, trying to show him what he really means to me. His hands work their way through my hair as he keeps my lips on his.

  I can feel my heart swell as emotions run through me. I can feel what he's trying to tell me, that I'm important to him. I run my hands down his back, pressing deep into his tense muscles until I reach the waistband of his boxers. I run my fingers under the elastic before slipping my hand inside, using my wrists to take the material with me. I push them down over his body, moving my hips away from him for a moment so they can fall to the floor. I press my fingers into his arse cheeks, pulling him into me so our dicks are finally touching skin to skin. It’s Zeke’s turn to push against me and forces me to move backwards until my legs connect with the bed. My knees buckle and I fall onto the mattress.

  Zeke stares down at me, the hunger in his eyes making it look like he wants to devour me whole. A few seconds later that’s exactly what he does. With no hesitation he leans over and takes me deep into his mouth. I cry out as my back arches off the bed. The feel of his warm mouth and the pressure of his tongue are taking me to the point of exploding, and as much as I want to come down his throat I want to feel him inside me more. I reach down and grab him by the hair, pulling him up my body until his lips are on mine again. I roll us over, pushing us up on the bed until we’re in the center of it. I kiss all over him, from his lips to his jaw, his neck and down over his chest until I reach his weeping dick. I flick my tongue over his tip, collecting the pre-cum there, letting it coat my tongue while my hand works over him from base to tip. I close my eyes, tasting him and listening to his heavy breathing. I wonder if it’s possible to come without any physical stimulation or attention to my dick, because I'm pretty sure it’s about to happen.

  “Bryce, I need you.” I open my eyes and look up in to Zeke’s face to see him looking desperate. A shiver of pride rushes through my body with the knowledge that I can still make him feel like this. Even though he ran away from me, I know that I still affect him and that he still needs me as much as I need him. I lean over and open the drawer next to his bed, grabbing the condoms and lube. I would make him wait and make him suffer a little bit more but I need him inside me. I need that electric connection of our bodies coming together. I lean back on my knees and rip open the condom packet. I place the condom on Zeke’s tip, ready to roll it down on him in preparation but his hand on mine stops me. I look up, worried that he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want me anymore.

  “I need you. I want to feel you inside me.” His voice is soft but I can feel the certainty behind the words. I’ve never been inside Zeke and nerves suddenly attack me. I want this so badly, my throbbing dick is evidence to that, but I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this. I'm more than happy to have him top me. I get as much pleasure from that as he does.

  “You don’t have to, Zeke.”

  He smiles at me, the smile that shows his dimple and melts my heart. “I know I don’t have to, I want to. I need to feel you inside me, Bryce. Please.”

  I take a deep breath to try and calm myself down. The thought of being inside Zeke is almost too much, but I must be taking too long because he moves my hand and places the condom over my straining hard on. Zeke rolls the condom over me before grabbing lube and dri
pping it on me. He rubs it into my length and I let out a groan from deep in my chest. Taking my hand he pours some lube onto my finger before lying back and opening his legs for me, pulling his legs towards his chest. My eyes focus on the tight hole that has come into view. It’s so fucking sexy seeing Zeke like this. My breath comes out on a stutter and I feel like I might have a heart attack any minute. The rate my heart is beating can’t be healthy. I reach out, rubbing my lubed fingers over his puckered hole, making his body jump. I look up at him, needing to make sure that he’s still on board with this. I don’t want to do anything he isn’t comfortable with.

  “I'm fine, it was cold.” He laughs but it sounds breathy. I need to distract him until he relaxes. It’s the only way I'm going to be able to stretch him without hurting him. I lean down and take his dick into my mouth, working my tongue around his tip. With a groan I feel Zeke’s body instantly relax and I go back to massaging his rim with my finger. I press against him and when I don’t feel him fighting against the pressure I push the tip of my finger in. I take him deeper into my throat at the same time and he yells as the dual pleasure becomes too much for him. When his hands grab my hair I move back off him and look up into his eyes. He watches me lick his erection while my finger fucks his arse. I slip a second finger in and watch his face for any signs of pain, but all I see is fire burning in his eyes. He pulls my hair until his dick leaves my mouth and bounces against his stomach.

  “I need you inside me. Now.”

  I remove my finger from his body, grab myself and press my head against his tight hole. “Are you sure?”

  I feel his body pushing back against me, my dick popping through the ring of resistance until his body is hugging me. I stop and breathe quickly as I try to resist the urge to pound into his body. He's far too tight to do that, and truthfully I would only last one thrust. I move gently, easing myself in until I am fully inside him. I study his face the entire time for signs that he isn’t enjoying this but all I see is pleasure. I still, letting his body adjust to me being there but he doesn’t lose any of the tightness. I am only going to last a couple more thrusts if his muscles don’t relax.

  Movement catches my eye and I look down to see Zeke’s hand caress his weeping dick. The sight makes me twitch inside him and he groans which causes him to tighten around me even more. I honestly didn’t think that would be possible.

  “Keep doing that, Zeke. I won’t last long when I start moving so I need you to come.”

  I watch his eyes as they darken and it’s such a fucking turn on. Everything about this man I'm inside turns me on. When I feel his body start to tense I move, hoping I might last long enough to come with him. I press my hands on the back of Zeke’s knees and press them closer to his chest. Pulling out of him, I leave barely an inch inside before pushing back in gently. When I try to ease out of him, it’s like his body is trying to suck me back in, like it doesn’t want me to leave. I increase the power behind my thrusts, my balls crashing onto his arse as I pound into him. The sound adds to the thrill of what’s happening, knowing that I'm not being gentle but he’s taking everything I give him. I feel the tingling build at the base of my spine as my orgasm makes itself known. I push down on Zeke’s legs again, changing my angle and hitting that special place inside him every time I thrust. He cries out and I watch as the first spurts of his orgasm start to coat his stomach. That’s all it takes for the tingling sensation in my spine to spread through my balls, pulling them into my body as I come hard. I collapse onto his chest, burying my face into his neck as I enjoy the last few moments of one of the best orgasms I've ever had.

  I feel his hand rubbing up and down my back which makes me want to lie here forever with him, but with his cum cooling between us and my dick shrinking in his arse, I know I have to move. I hold onto the end of the condom as I pull out of him, feeling lost the second I leave him. I'm hoping that Zeke’s groan is for the same reason and not that I hurt him too much. I go to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and grab a wet sponge. I quickly return to the bedroom and clean him up. When I'm done I move to put my boxers on but Zeke grabs my hand and tugs on it until I look at him.

  “Please stay. Just for a little while. I think we need to talk.”

  I sigh, knowing he's right. I climb back into the bed and settle down next to Zeke without touching him. I know that if I do, there will be no talking. He does something to my concentration.

  “Why did you leave?”

  I turn my head to look at him and see a sad expression on his face. “I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you with Asha knowing that I can’t have you. You're getting married, Zeke. Do you not understand how much that crushes me?”

  He looks down, his cheeks coloring as he listens to me. “You just left, you didn’t tell me you were going. Coach had to be the one to tell me, that hurt, babe.” The use of his pet name for me pulls at my heart and makes me want to tell him that he can have me, even if I'll be a secret all my life.

  No, I refuse to be that guy, I deserve better than that.

  “It wouldn’t have made any difference if I’d told you myself. I was still leaving. I won’t be your dirty little secret. You can’t be married and have a life with her while I wait around for you to throw me a scrap of attention.” Being honest with him is the only way to go now. I know that tonight won’t change anything between us, but hopefully if we clear the air I will be able to move on and let my heart recover a little. I know I will never love anyone the way I love Zeke, but I need to move on and try to make the most of my life.

  “Someone knew.”

  I look at him and I can feel how wide my eyes are. Someone knew. Oh my god, this can’t be happening.

  I hear the laughter in his voice as he speaks again. “Coach caught us one night, in the locker room. I'm pretty sure he went home and bleached his eyes. But I told him about us, so you aren’t a secret.”

  Shit, I can’t believe we were seen. I would worry more about it, but my need for his answer to my next question wins out. “Will you tell anyone else? Your friends? Will you leave Asha for me?”

  He looks down and I don’t need him to say the words. If he can’t meet my eyes then I know that tonight means more to me than it does to him. “I'm sorry, Bryce. I just can’t.” His voice sounds softer and I see his eyes droop as sleep wins the fight with him. “I wish I could be the man you deserve, but I’m not him.”

  I watch as he drifts off, and just before he slips completely under he says four simple words. Words that make a sob catch in my throat and tears flood my eyes.

  “I love you, Bryce.”

  Chapter 19

  I stretch my body out when I wake up the next morning, feeling better than I should the day after a fight. My body is usually tight and sore, but between a half-assed opponent and the amazing night with Bryce, I feel really fucking good. The sudden thought of Bryce has me opening my eyes and sitting up instantly. I look around for him but all I can see is a head shaped dent in the pillow next to me, the only evidence that he was here at all last night. My heart drops knowing that he's gone. He's run away this time and now I understand how fucking much it hurts to be left.

  I collapse back onto the bed, suddenly not feeling as good as I did when I opened my eyes. I would think last night hadn’t actually happened but I have a comfortable ache in my ass, proving that Bryce has been there. The thought of why my ass aches brings a smile to my face, knowing that I shared something so special with him, and even though I don’t plan on doing it with anyone else I enjoyed it more than I thought possible. The feeling of him inside my body made me feel complete. I didn’t think it was possible for sex to be any better than it was already with Bryce, but last night proved me wrong. I have never experienced a feeling like that before and I wish it was something I could feel for the rest of my life. I don’t know what this means for who I am, what label I'm meant to give myself, and it’s confusing. When I was younger I thought I was gay, but I'm pretty sure that gay men don’t sleep with wo
men. I used to get enjoyment out of them, the feeling of their soft bodies and wet pussies something I couldn’t get enough of, but now? Now I can only think of Bryce. Does that make me gay, or bisexual, or just really fucking confused?

  My alarm goes off next to me, making me groan. I need to get up and meet with Asha, maybe finally grow a pair of balls and call this whole thing off. If last night showed me one thing it’s that I can’t let this go on when I know that I will never love her. There is only one person in this world that has my heart and nothing will ever change that. I’d called her before Bryce arrived and asked her to come over because we needed to talk. I'm sure she knows what’s happening, she must be able to see clearly that I'm not invested in this relationship. Something happened between us the night that Bryce left and while I still don’t remember anything, I know that we haven’t had sex since then and I’ve barely seen her. So today I will end this farce and beg for her forgiveness. I hope that she understands, and that maybe one day she can forgive me. God I hope she doesn’t cry. I don’t do crying women.

  I take a deep breath before opening the door to Asha. She looks amazing today, her tight little body is dressed in a form fitting dress. Normally when she would wear something like this I would have dragged her straight to my bedroom and buried myself in her body. Not today though, today I can appreciate how she looks but it does nothing for me. It also sparks a little panic inside when I wonder what’s happening to me. Fuck. If I'm not turned on by Asha and the only guy that wakes my cock up is Bryce, does that mean I'm never going to have sex again? A cough brings me back to the situation at hand, and I make a note to return to this thought. It’s something I need to figure out later.