by T A. McKay
I place the bag down and start taking out the containers while Trey grabs plates and cutlery. I can’t help but notice how domesticated the scene is. I find myself imagining what it could be like having this every day, the comfortable feeling between us is something that I've always wanted in a relationship. And then there’s the passion, when he touches me my body comes alive. He's sexy and alluring, and has a body that could turn a straight man gay. It’s not the same as Zeke’s body. It’s not as sculpted but with his tattoos and the way his muscles are perfectly toned, it’s a huge turn on. I feel guilt when I compare him to Zeke. It’s not fair to Trey when I do that. He can’t possibly win against the memories he doesn’t know I have.
An arm around my waist brings me back to the present, making me smile as I kiss Trey’s cheek. He really is a great guy, and if I give myself enough time, I really do think I could learn to love him. He rests his chin on my shoulder as I open all the food boxes and place them in the middle of the table so we can help ourselves. When I'm finished I just stand there and let him hold me. We’re quiet as we take our time to move, both of us obviously caught up in our thoughts.
“I like this, just being here with you. I don’t know when I've ever been this happy just staying in and spending time with someone. It’s been forever since I let anyone in like this. Thank you for letting me trust again.” His words have my heart stuttering in my chest. He hasn’t told me much about his past relationships but Nathan had hinted that he’d been hurt in the past, and that it had taken him a long time to get over it.
I pull out of his hold, walking around the other side of the table and taking a seat. Sitting across from each other we fill our plates before I find the courage to ask the question that’s been on my mind all day. “What happened with your ex?” I don’t look at him and focus on pushing the food around my plate.
It takes a few minutes for him to speak, but I sit patiently as I wait for him to answer. “I was with Dustin for about seventeen months before I realized that he was cheating on me. I had been asking him for months to move in with me but he kept making excuses as to why he couldn’t. I never thought to question him fully, I just thought he wasn’t ready. Anyway, the reason he couldn’t move in was because he was actually living with another guy and had been for about a year. That was the day I knew what it was like to have my heart broken. It took me a long time to trust anyone again, but I let you in. People who cheat are the lowest people out there, and it’s a very hard limit for me.”
I feel the color drain from my cheeks as he speaks. Without knowing it, I’ve gone and done the one thing he would never forgive. I had treated him just like his ex did and hadn’t taken his feelings into consideration at all. But when I went to see Zeke that night, I had no intention of sleeping with him. One look at him standing there and all I could think about was giving into my cravings and having him. I hadn’t thought of Trey once, well not until I was leaving Zeke’s bed did the guilt hit me. I never imagined I would be the type of guy who would stray but one moment in Zeke’s company had me forgetting who I was.
Trey’s hand on mine makes me jump and I look up quickly, realizing that I’ve been lost in my head again. I seem to have spent too many months stuck in some internal battle between my heart and my head, and it’s caused me so much stress. Now I have to add hurting Trey to that fight, and I know when he finds out what I did he’ll leave me.
“Are you okay, baby?” He looks worried as he watches me carefully, making me feel awkward. Here he is spilling his guts to me and I manage to make him worry about me.
Fuck, when did I turn into this guy?
I fake a smile at him, hoping he believes the poor attempt. “I'm good, I think I have a headache coming on.”
He squeezes my hand before returning to his meal. As I eat I can see his eyes watching me and it looks like he wants to ask me something but he just smiles before grabbing more fried rice. We eat in comfortable silence but I'm forcing the food into my stomach, the level of guilt eating me alive has increased tenfold since the start of the conversation.
When we’re finished we clean up the table, moving around each other as though we have done this hundreds of times before. It’s times like this that I wonder if I’m meant to be with Trey. It just feels like we are made for each other. I would jump into this with both feet if it weren’t for one simple fact: I'm still in love with Zeke. When Trey is finished washing the dishes, he dries his hands and walks over to me. He traps me against the kitchen unit, his hands caging mine and leans in to kiss me gently. He lingers on my lips, licking and nibbling on them until I'm hard and pushing against the front of my jeans.
“How’s the head?” He breathes against my lips and I can’t help but groan in response. He really makes turning me on look so easy. He has such power over my body, it’s just my heart he needs to conquer.
“It’s better now. I think I was just hungry.”
He rubs his nose over mine, kissing the tip before leaning his forehead against mine. “You didn’t eat enough for the food to make you feel better. There’s something bothering you tonight, and I wish you would tell me what it is. I'm here for you. Only you.” I close my eyes as he speaks, pain ripping through me as I listen to him being wonderful. I can feel a tear work its way down my cheek, like my body is trying to release some of the guilt. I feel Trey’s finger wipe it away which causes a silent sob to work through me. This has been building for so long. Everything that’s been happening since I arrived here is making me want to get on a plane and go back to the UK.
“Baby, I wish you would tell me what’s wrong. I hate seeing you in pain.”
I let my head drop until it’s leaning on his chest. I enjoy the feel of him against me, for what might be the last time. I need to tell him what happened with Zeke, no matter how much it hurts the both of us. It’s better to get it out in the open now than later on. Maybe if I explain how and why it happened, he will let us move forward together, both of us with fresh starts. We are only just getting serious about each other now, so when I cheated it wasn’t like we were in a full relationship. Another sob wracks my body as I recognize that I'm trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but I know it won’t. I know when the words come out my mouth I’m going to have to watch Trey walk out of my life, leaving me alone.
“I'm sorry.” I'm hoping the words are loud enough, because I don’t know if I’ll manage to repeat them around the lump that’s appeared in my throat.
His hands cup my cheeks and raises my head, forcing me to look at him. I see a look of confusion on his face that is soon going to turn to one of hate. “Why are you sorry?”
Another tear falls and his confusion continues. I can see the moment that he comprehends what I'm trying to say, the look of pain in his eyes destroying me. It makes me want to hold him, but I doubt he would let me touch him. He’s backed away from me slightly, telling me that he knows and doesn’t want to be near me any more.
“Who?” His voice is strained, like he's trying to hold himself together.
“Zeke.” I can’t say anything other than his name. It’s too hard to speak. It must take him a few moments to realize who I'm talking about but then he closes his eyes and I know he's made the connection.
“When?” He takes another step back, creating space I don’t want between us.
“About a week ago.”
Trey grabs his hair and I barely recognize the noise that comes from him. It’s a mixture of pain and anger, and I don’t like it. I try to walk towards him but he holds his hand up, stopping me dead in my tracks.
“Don’t come near me.” He turns away from me, his hands dropping to his knees as he tries to catch his breath. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I need to make this easier for him but I don’t know how. He stands and faces me, a serious look on his face.
“So you slept with him before our first time?”
Fuck. I don’t want to answer that, but I know there is no way to avoid it. He already knows the a
nswer, he's just looking for confirmation. I can’t even say the words so just nod my head at him. He closes his eyes and I move back slightly, convinced I'm about to get a black eye. I wouldn’t blame him. After all I did cheat on him, keeping it secret while I moved forward in our relationship. I should’ve told him before we had sex and given him the chance to make the decision on whether it happened or not.
“I can’t fucking believe this. How do I pick the wrong guy every single time?” I don’t think he's actually talking to me as he walks past me towards the front door. I follow close behind him, not wanting him to leave but fully aware that he's going to.
“Trey, talk to me. I can make this right. It doesn’t have to be this way. Let me explain.”
He doesn’t stop moving as he grabs his belongings. I just want him to slow down to give me a chance to explain why I slept with Zeke but he's not letting me. He grabs the handle on the front door and I try one more time to get him to stop. “Trey, please wait!”
He turns towards me, a look of pure hate on his face. “Answer me this, did you sleep with me out of guilt? Is that why you suddenly gave yourself to me?”
I feel color burning my cheeks as he talks. I know it wasn’t the only reason I slept with him, but there is some truth in what he's asking. I wanted to move on, to prove to myself I didn’t need Zeke.
Trey’s face contorts into an angry snarl as he opens the door. “Fuck you, Bryce. I can’t believe you did this to me. How could I be so stupid and not see you were hiding something? Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.” The tone of his voice lowers and is full of emotion. “I was falling for you. I thought you were the one.” He looks at me with eyes full of disgust as he leaves, slamming the front door behind him.
I stand and stare at it feeling completely numb. I don’t feel the same heart wrenching loss I felt when Zeke walked away from me, but there is an ache deep in my stomach. I may have just lost the best chance I ever had at having a happy ever after.
I sit in the empty bath, putting the bottle of vodka to my lips and taking a large drink. I don’t remember how I ended up in here, but I know that I've been here since Trey left. I drop my head back against the wall behind me, repeatedly hitting my head against it again and again. I don’t know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. My life seemed so simple when I moved here for this job. It felt like I was finally getting over Austin, like I was actually moving on with my life and nothing could stop me. But something stopped me. A tall, sexy motherfucker who goes by the name of Zeke ‘The Storm’ Raine. I can’t even wish that I hadn’t met him, because the time I spent with him was honestly the best time of my life. I thought I loved Austin but it was nothing compared to how I feel for Zeke. I just wish he would get his head out his fucking arse and see I'm here waiting for him.
I take another long drink from the bottle, praying it takes away the pain or at least makes me pass out so I don’t have to feel it for a while. I grab my mobile to look at the time and see that it’s well after midnight. I don’t know what time Trey left, so I can’t even guess how long I've been drinking. I do know that my arse is numb and feeling left my legs a long time ago. Taking another drink, I unlock my phone and see that the last window I had opened was the contact details for Zeke. I don’t even remember using my phone, so I don’t know why it’s on that screen. I stare at his details like I'm hoping that they hold the answer to sorting my life out, but like always it doesn’t help me. I get so angry looking at his number and picture. He has made me lose everything: my job, my apartment, and my boyfriend. I hate him. And suddenly I need to tell him that. I press the call button and put the phone to my ear, waiting for him to answer. When I hear his voice he sounds sleepy, like I woke him up. Ha, I'm glad I called now.
“Bryce, what’s wrong?”
I'm quiet. Now that he’s on the other end of the line, I don’t know what to say. I go with my gut and bluntly tell him exactly why I called. “I hate you.” My voice doesn’t come out as strongly as I hoped and I wince as I hear pain lacing my words.
I’m met with silence, his breathing the only thing I can hear. I close my eyes and listen to it, the sound giving me a strange sort of comfort.
“What happened?” I don’t even have to tell him something’s wrong because he just knows, like he's part of me.
“He’s gone. He left me because I slept with you. You’re stupid, with your stupid hair and stupid muscles so why can’t I just move on? You don’t want me, and I still can’t get you out my head. I need to fucking move on because I hate you.” I'm impressed that I managed to make sense considering all the alcohol that’s running through my veins. I thought I would feel better after speaking what’s in my heart, but instead I can feel it shattering all over again. Just my luck. My chest tightens and I feel the tears start to flow, but this time I just let them. I’m tired of hiding everything, of how much I miss him, of how much I hurt. I just want all the pain to stop.
“I never said I didn’t want you. Not once have those words ever left my mouth. I want you so badly it physically fucking hurts, Bryce. Knowing you're with someone else has been eating me up. I can’t fucking survive without you.”
The first painful sob rips through me and I almost drop my phone from the power of it. I don’t know if I can listen to him telling me that he can’t be with me again. I’m a glutton for punishment but I can’t take another rejection from him.
“Fuck, baby. Please don’t cry. I don’t want to hear you hurting.”
I cry freely, unable to control it any longer. “Do you want me, Zeke?”
I hear him sigh, the sound coming clearly down the phone. “I want you more than anything in this life.”
“Will you be with me?”
There’s a moment’s silence and it tells me what I need to know.
“Baby...”
I can’t bring myself to listen to him answer, the ache already too much. With a final sob I hang up the phone, dropping into the bottom of the bath. It pings a few seconds later, my screen lighting with a message from Zeke.
Tell me where you fucking live. I need to know.
I grab the mobile again, pressing the off button until the whole thing goes dark. I can’t deal with any more tonight. There are changes that are going to happen, a new road to take, but none of that can start tonight. I lie down against the cool enamel of the bath, pulling a towel from the towel rack and cover my arms with it. I just need to sleep for a little while. Tomorrow when I wake up I will be in a better place to decide what I need to do.
Chapter 23
I look around my living room to make sure I haven’t left anything behind. I’ve spent the last few days packing so I’m ready for my flight on Saturday evening. The morning after Trey left, I’d made the call I had been putting off for a few weeks. I had been offered a new coaching job in another state, but with starting a new relationship with Trey I hadn’t known what to do. When everything crumbled around me I knew that it was time to go. This way I could have a fresh start with a new state and job and leave everything behind. After accepting the job they had asked how soon I could be there, and since I had nothing keeping me here I told them any day after Sunday. That would have worked out great if they had flights on Sunday, and after a lot of compromising I will be flying out late Saturday night, after my plans.
I know I shouldn’t, but I'm going to see Zeke fight in the final against Dwayne. I’m hoping that it’ll give me the closure I need to close the door on this part of my life, and if I'm honest, I want to see him smash Dwayne’s face in. I still hold the fucker responsible for everything that went wrong between me and Zeke. If he hadn’t have made those smartarse comments, Zeke might not have run.
I grab my mobile when it rings, seeing Eddie’s name on the screen. I take a deep breath before answering, wondering what this is about. “Eddie, how’s things?” I don’t know why I try to make conversation, Eddie doesn’t do small talk and his next words just prove that more.
“You're leaving the state? Craig calle
d and said you’d taken a job with him.”
I was hoping that I would be on the plane when everyone heard, but I should have known that luck wouldn’t be on my side. I swear I must have done something really fucking bad in a past last life because Karma is really kicking my arse in this one.
“Yeah. He approached me a few weeks back and now I think it’s for the best.”
I can hear him muttering but I can’t hear what he's saying. I keep going to speak to him, but every time I open my mouth I hear him curse under his breath, so I close my mouth again. When he calms down he must remember he's still got me on the phone.
“I thought you would’ve come back to the gym. I haven’t filled the position yet, I didn’t want anyone else but you.”
I feel a pain in my chest as he speaks. I loved my job there, I moved across the world for it, but there is no way I could ever go back now, too much has happened.
“I'm so sorry, Eddie. There’s just no way that I could come back, not after… I just can’t come back.” I nearly tell him Zeke’s the reason that’s stopping me, but I can’t let that get out. Even after all the hurt he's caused, I would never do anything to tarnish his reputation.
“You know, I left you two to sort this out, thinking that maybe you could both be adults, but apparently I was wrong. I don’t see why you fucking each other means I need to lose one of the best coaches I've had at the gym. I should have known that he would fuck this up for me. And you, you should be the bigger man and stay.”
I don’t even have a chance to respond before he hangs up on me, leaving me standing with the disconnected tone in my ear, not able to move with the shock I'm in. Zeke had mentioned that Eddie had walked in on us once, but with everything that happened after that conversation I completely forgot about it. I feel my cheeks heat as I think about what he probably saw. I know what we got up to in that locker room and most of it would have probably gotten us a thousand notes on Tumblr.