The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I throw my phone onto the couch and grab a roll of tape. I need to get a move on. The moving company will be here any minute and I still have some boxes to finishing packing. I make a mental note to never move again, especially to a different State. I hate the feeling of packing up your life, knowing that you’re leaving somewhere that was important to you. Also I hate packing all my shit into boxes. I don’t know when I managed to gather all this stuff; I don’t remember half of it. Another mental note that I make is to never sleep with a coworker, like ever. I let out a dry laugh, there is no way I'm going down this road again. In fact I don’t think I will be dating in the future at all. If this situation has taught me anything it’s that I should just be alone. I'm not good at being with someone, I’ve ruined every relationship I've been in so I think it’s time to quit before I hurt someone else.

  I move to another box and I’m taping it shut when I hear a knock on my front door. I open it to find a huge guy standing there, and he offers me his hand as he introduces himself as being with the removal company. I let him and a few more guys into my little place, unsure how they will be able to move properly with the size of them all. I show them what has to go before telling them that I’ll be finishing up the last few boxes. I'm thankful I have something to occupy me, because watching them remove everything makes my heart hurt. I thought that I could have made a life here, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

  I take a bite out of my sandwich as I look around my now completely empty apartment. Everything is in lorries on their way to my new place; a place that I'm hoping to make my new home, leaving all the heartache behind. I know that’s wishful thinking, a new location will never remove Zeke from my memories, but maybe the distance will make it hurt a little less. When I leave tomorrow evening I'm hoping it will be a new chapter in my story, and I'm hoping this one has less drama than the last.

  I hear my phone alert me to a text, my mobile vibrating in my pocket as I put my food down. I pull it out of my pocket and lean against the wall behind me. I'm currently sitting on the floor, having not thought through what I was going to do for the next twenty-four hours since I have absolutely no furniture, which also means no bed. I open the text and smile when I see it’s from my mum. I don’t hear from her as much as I would like, but calling over here is more than she can afford. She’s also a complete technophobe, meaning that trying to explain FaceTime caused a twenty-minute crying session. And I was the one in tears.

  Hi Son. I added your new address to my book. Please make it the last address you have, I'm running out of space. I hope the move goes well, let me know when you land safe. Love Mum xx

  She always signs it, ‘Love Mum’, even though I know it’s from her. I've tried to explain it to her so many times but I've just given up. I know I need to reply to her, easing her nerves for my flight tomorrow. She hates it when I fly, convinced that the plane will drop from the sky. When I was coming over here the first time I think my dad had to sedate her for the whole nine hour flight. He said he got sick of her nonstop pacing and talking. I type out a reply and press send.

  I will let you know as soon as I land. It’s a short flight, only a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to this job so not planning on leaving any time soon.

  I close my phone, not expecting her to message back quickly but she does, and her text cuts through my heart. I haven’t told her what happened with Zeke, so I know she is only making an observation, but it still hurts like hell.

  That’s what you said about this one. Maybe it’s time to settle down?

  I lock my phone and drop it on the floor next to me. I can’t answer her. I have no response to that. How do I explain that that’s what I was trying to do, that I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but he wouldn’t choose me over his career? He picked his lifelong dream over me, and I don’t blame him, but Mum wouldn’t see it that way. I gave him my heart easily, but that isn’t his fault. He never once lied to me. I chose not to listen to him. I can’t blame him for my stupidity.

  I listen to the thunderous sound of the crowd inside the arena. As normal, the final has brought out all the true fans of the sport, and I can hear them chanting both fighters’ names. I walk down an aisle and grab a seat a few rows back from the reserved family seating. I don’t want to be noticed or affect Zeke’s concentration, but I want to hear what his coaching team’s telling him. I want him to win this fight and I need to make sure they’re making the right decisions for him. I was a little shocked the last time I was at the gym, the fact that no one had picked him up on his poor stance. If he drops his shoulder today there’s a chance he will get seriously hurt, and no matter what’s happened in the past, I can’t let that happen.

  I'm about to sit when I hear his opening song start. I feel my heart racing in my chest as the lights dim in the arena. The noise of the crowd is deafening and the floor is vibrating under my feet. He might have lost his last title fight, but Zeke is the crowd favorite. The spotlight hits the door on the other side of the arena and I stop breathing with the anticipation of seeing him. I’ve never seen him enter before. I’ve always been hiding in the changing rooms to escape the visions of my past. When a figure appears in the center of the light I let the breath I was holding leave my lungs in a stuttered fashion. Zeke stands there in nothing but his shorts looking like a fucking god. He hates wearing a robe like the other fighters, says he looks like a fucking idiot in one. I take him in, from his sexy shorter than normal hair to his body that looks more toned than usual, right down to his legs that are making my hands want to reach out touch them. He looks like everything you would picture a top fighter to be: strong, in control, and powerful.

  I watch as he makes his way down the stairs, punching the air and bouncing from side to side. Women have taken all the chairs next to the aisle and they are currently fighting to get his attention but he's too focused. Nothing will get inside his head right now. He gets to the edge of the cage, stretching as he enters it and I can’t help but focus on his muscles. They’re defined and strong, and I want nothing more than to run my tongue over them. My cheeks flush as my body remembers what those muscles can do to me, the pleasure they can give when they’re focused on me. My body temperature heats up, and I pull the collar of my shirt away from my neck trying to get some sort of relief from my sudden bout of sweating. It’s difficult to get control when my eyes are stuck on Zeke bouncing around the cage. I have every part of his body memorized, so I'm a little surprised when he turns his back to me and I see a new tattoo on his back. I try to think back to when I saw him last. Did he have it then? I don’t remember seeing it, but I wasn’t exactly paying attention to his back that night. I scrunch my eyes and try to focus on the words that are written across both his shoulder blades. When I finally manage to read it, the meaning of them steals my breath. In beautiful black script, the large tattoo reads ‘My only regret is losing you’. I can’t help but wonder if it’s meant about me, but I try not to dwell on it.

  Movement in front of me catches my eye. If I had been able to steal my eyes away from Zeke, I would have seen her before since she is standing waving her arms at me. I can’t help but smile as I watch Asha jump over seats in front of her to get to me, not caring about the people she is stepping on.

  She throws her arms around me when she finally reaches me. “Oh my god, you came!”

  I nod my head, not knowing what to say to her. Zeke is in the cage working the crowd, causing the volume to get even louder.

  She hugs me again and when the crowd quiets down slightly she talks again. “He will be so glad you came. He honestly thought you wouldn’t be here. He knows it’s not easy for you. Come sit down here with me, there’s plenty of room.” She tries to pull me towards the seats at the edge of the cage but I don’t budge. She turns back to look at me with confusion on her face.

  “I’ll stay in this seat. I don’t want him to know I'm here. He needs to focus… and I will be leaving straight after the fight.”

  Sh
e tilts her head like she's trying to work out what I'm saying, and I wonder if maybe I suddenly started speaking another language.

  “What do you mean leaving?”

  I take a deep breath, not sure how much to tell her. I know she will tell Zeke everything I say, and I don’t want him to know where I'm going. “I have a job in another state. I just came to see the fight before I catch my flight. I need to leave as soon as it finishes.”

  Her mouth drops open and I see a look of pain flash in her eyes. I don’t know why she looks upset, it’s not her I'm leaving behind. I know we have spoken a few times but I wouldn’t consider her a friend, more of an acquaintance. “You're leaving him?” She grabs a hold of my hand, holding it between both of hers.

  “I'm not leaving him, I have a new job. I can’t leave him when he isn’t with me. I can’t wait around for him to decide that he needs me to satisfy him, and then watch him leave again.” Anger replaces the pain and I want her to drop my hand but she has a tight grip on it.

  “Is that what you honestly think? That he just wants you for sex? That he doesn’t want you? You are all he wants, Bryce. I was there the night he found out you’d left. I was the one who had to hold him as his heart broke. Do you know what it’s like to see Zeke cry? It’s the most painful thing I've ever witnessed.”

  I look up to the strong man in the cage and I can’t imagine him breaking down in front of anyone. He is too closed off, too put together to let anything affect him that much.

  “He might want me, Asha, but he's made it more than clear that he can’t be with me. I can’t spend the rest of my life watching him from a distance. I don’t think my heart could take it.”

  She bites her lip as she watches me, looking for something on my face but I don’t know what. “Fine, but one last question. Do you love him?”

  I feel the tears I thought had dried up flood my eyes again. I try not to blink in case I send them rolling down my cheeks. I can’t cry again, especially not here. “I love him. I don’t think I've loved anyone as much as him, but that just makes this harder. It hurts so fucking much Asha. I can’t stay here.” A single tear escapes and I angrily wipe it away, refusing to be weak any longer.

  “Oh, honey.” It’s the only warning I get before she pulls me into her arms, wrapping them around me and hugging me tight. I return her embrace, happy to finally have someone to hold. For a few moments I don’t feel so alone, but it doesn’t last long enough.

  I hear Dwayne’s music come over the speakers and I bounce in place to keep from storming up the steps to meet him as he exits his tunnel. I want to get this fight started, I want to just stomp him in to the mat and walk away the winner. Coach is shouting at me to not use all my energy in the first round and to save something for the second. If I have my way there won’t be a second round.

  I see Dwayne appear at the door of the tunnel, and that cocky as fuck look on his face makes me want to just punch him even more. I can hear sections of the crowd booing him and I can’t help but smile. Apparently I'm not the only person who thinks he's a fucking asshole. I’m going to beat his ass into a bloody mess, and not just because he's the only thing standing between me and the winner’s belt. I also blame him for me losing Bryce. If he hadn’t made his smartass jokes I might not have panicked and run. I know it’s wrong to blame him when it was all my own fault, but I'm finding it easier to put it all on him. I know the reality is anyone could have made a comment and I would have panicked. I lost the only good thing I've ever had in my life, and there’s no one to blame but me.

  I look over to where Asha’s sitting. She came today as my support. No one knows we’ve split up so it’s not strange for her to be in my family seats. She's the only person I want here, well apart from one man, but there’s no way he would come. When I see that her seat is empty I look around the arena and my whole body stills when I see her. She's not alone, and the person she's talking to is the one that has been haunting my dreams for months now. She’s having a very intense looking conversation with Bryce, and he doesn’t look happy about what’s being said. My eyes are stuck on his face, just drinking in how fucking amazing he looks. I didn’t think I would see him today, especially not in the arena. I know how uncomfortable being here will make him, so to think he came to watch my championship fight has a strange feeling working through my chest. I don’t think anyone has ever put me first, not my parents, not any of my friends, but there he is doing just that.

  He must feel my stare because he turns to look at me. When our eyes meet, I'm lost. I don’t even notice when Dwayne enters the cage, I don’t notice when Coach tries to get my attention, and I don’t notice when the referee calls my name over and over. I'm stuck to the spot, scared that if I take my eyes off of Bryce then he’ll disappear. I don’t pay attention to anything until Bryce smiles and mouths the word ‘focus’ at me before pointing behind me. With a smile on my face, I turn to face the man I need to beat into the mat. I will do this. I will win this fight. As I say the words in my head, I wonder what fight I'm talking about.

  Chapter 24

  I'm pretty sure this guy is on something. No one fights like this. Every single time I've hit him he hasn’t faltered. I step back to my corner as the bell rings and grab my water bottle.

  “What the fuck are you doing out there?” Coach’s harsh tone has me biting the inside of my cheek. I know I haven’t exactly got control over the fight yet, but I'm doing everything I can think of.

  “Feel free to grab some wraps and show me how it’s done.”

  He mutters under his breath as he walks away, leaving me holding onto the side of the cage. Just when I'm about to turn around to face Dwayne, knowing I need to start gaining some points, I see someone coming towards me. I focus on the figure to see Bryce trying to get past security who stop him because no spectators are allowed near the ring. I shout at them but my voice is lost in the noise of the crowd. Bryce hears me though and looks at me with a pleading look on his face. I get Coach’s attention and point towards Bryce, hoping that he gets the message. Thankfully he does and gets the security to let Bryce through without any hassle. Bryce reaches me just as the bell goes. He jumps onto the ledge surrounding the cage, holding onto the ropes, his fingers mere inches from mine.

  Bryce talks quickly, so I focus on what he's telling me. “He's favoring his right side, I think he has hurt his ribs on the left. Get some good shots there and it will send his balance off. Stop dropping your fucking shoulder or you’re gonna end up injured, and it makes it easy for him to read your next move. Go in hard. He's on something so he has more energy than normal, but it’s making him do dumb shit. Don’t try and outpace him this time, use what I told you and go kill the fucker.” He pulls back and he winks at me and it sends my heart racing. After everything I've done to him, every ounce of pain I've caused, he's here helping me win this. I step away from him and it takes all my will power to tear my eyes from his. He looks amazing standing there. It’s the view I want to see at all my fights.

  When I turn I see Dwayne standing there with a shit-eating grin on his face as he watches my interaction with Bryce. “How’s the boyfriend? I hear that he left you for another guy… maybe you don’t give good head.”

  I feel emotions boiling up inside me, but I'm shocked to find that shame or embarrassment isn’t any of them. Oh no, I'm pissed off. How dare he talk about Bryce like that? My anger fuels my ever-present hatred of Dwayne and I don’t waste any time attacking the fucker. I keep in mind what Bryce told me as I concentrate my punches and kicks to the left side of his body. After the fifth or sixth kick to his ribs I can see that he's losing the easiness in his movements and he's trying to turn his body away from me, which makes him sloppy. At one point I get cocky, moving too close to him and I end up with a split lip, but I don’t let it deter me. I wipe off the blood and go back into attack mode.

  It takes a full two minutes of kicks and punches to get him on the ground and I make sure to give him an elbow to the ribs as I collapse on t
op of him. I hear his intake of breath and I know I have him. He can’t focus on what I'm doing because he's trying to keep his body protected. I go to do a choke hold on him, determined to finish this fight, but he has to go and open his big mouth again.

  “Do you think Bryce will give me a blowjob tonight? He must be good with his mouth. It’s the only thing I could imagine that would turn a guy like you.”

  I don’t even register the first time my fist connects with his face. It’s instinctive. The second and third punches I’m aware of and mean them with all the hate inside me. I keep going, unable to stop myself even when I can feel his blood dripping from my fist. The bell rings and I still don’t stop, the need to make him stop breathing has taken ahold of me. My body is pulled off him by a pair of strong arms and then everything else is a blur.

  My arm is held up above my head and I’m declared the winner. I blink a few times, trying to clear my head. I won. Holy shit, I won! I turn to see Coach with a huge grin on his face, which is about as excited as he gets. My arm is dropped and the crowd goes crazy as I’m announced as the new belt holder. I can’t believe it. I'm number one. A body comes flying at me across the ring and I grab it as it jumps into my arms. Asha attacks my face with kisses, causing me to laugh. I look behind her for Bryce. I need to see him. He helped me get here. This is his win as much as it is mine. When I don’t see him I look at Asha and see that she has a sad look on her face.

  “He’s gone.”

  My ears block all other noise and zero in on just what’s she's saying.

  “What do you mean he's gone?”

  She grabs my hand and gives me a very serious look. “He's leaving the state. Trey left him after Bryce told him he had been with you.” She slaps me across the head as she mentions us being together, and I know it’s because I’ve been so fucking stupid. “So he took a job at some guy’s gym. He's on his way to the airport right now. You need to decide now Zeke. Is he the one? Is he worth the fight?”