The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I close my eyes, hoping that blocking out everything will make the earth stop moving, but it only makes it worse. My stomach churns and I grab helplessly at the edge of my mattress trying to get myself to the bathroom before the alcohol comes back up and covers my bedroom floor. The movement makes the bile rise in my throat and that makes me move faster than I thought I could go, crawling quickly to the bathroom. I reach it just as the liquor burns the back of my throat and I throw myself over the top of the toilet.

  Once I’ve purged myself for what feels like an hour I reach up and flush before leaning back against the side of the bath. God I feel like shit. The taste of vomit coats my mouth and I know I can’t sit here while I can still taste it. I can’t bring myself to stand so I just reach over the edge of the sink unit and grab the bottle of mouthwash I know is there. After swirling the blue liquid around my mouth and spitting, I get as comfortable as I can on the floor. I don’t want to move to my bed, risking the chance that I'm not finished emptying my stomach and not sure if I would survive another rush back in here. It’s my own fault; I know I can’t hold too much alcohol but yet I still finished the whole bottle of vodka with Grey.

  I lean my head back against the bath and prepare for a very uncomfortable night. I cringe when my cell rings, blaring through the silence from my pajama pants pocket. I don’t even know how it’s still there, after all the moving I've done I would have thought that it would be lost in my bed or down the side of the couch. I reach into the pocket and grab it, seeing Trey’s name on the screen. My heart races in my chest as I try to decide what to do. I know I shouldn’t answer but everything in me wants me to, and apparently I just puked up my common sense as my finger flicks over the connect call button. I hold the cell to my ear but I don’t say anything, not knowing what to say, so I just listen.

  “Roman, are you there?”

  I can’t talk, I know if I do I will say something that I will regret … like maybe that I love him. Yeah that won’t be the best direction to go, so I stay quiet.

  “I can hear you, will you talk to me?”

  As childish as it is, I stay silent. My throat’s still burning and I'm not actually sure I would be able to talk if I wanted to. I hear him sigh on the other end of the phone and I close my eyes, listening to him breathing. “I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know I didn’t treat you well today, and even though there’s no excuse for it … well I'm sorry. I was told that you were suspended, and the reason why. I can’t believe you hit Quincy.” There is a smile in his voice and it confuses me. Why is he happy I hit his new fuck toy? “Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry, and thank you. I don’t think anyone has ever stood up for me like that before.”

  There’s silence between us but my head is full of things I want to tell him. I want to say I would stand against the world if it meant he was happy, I want to tell him that losing my job wouldn’t bother me if it meant that people would stop talking about him, and I want to tell him that he hurt me. I want to scream down the phone that he broke my heart when he touched Quincy, and that I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it. All these things are on the tip of my tongue, but only one thing comes out.

  “Please don’t call me again. I don’t want to talk to you.” As soon as I say it I hang up, muting it and throwing the phone towards my bed so I don’t have to deal with Trey anymore.

  Chapter 21

  I grab another crab cake from a plate on the buffet table in front of me, before watching as Grey grabs another two olives and shoves them into his mouth.

  Seeing him bite into them makes me cringe. “I seriously don’t know how you can eat those things.”

  He smiles around a mouthful of chewed up olive, the green mush sticking to his teeth.

  “Gross. I have no idea why you're still single.” That statement earns me a glare as he swallows the mouthful of food.

  “Fuck you. I can’t help it if I have higher standards than your.” He flutters his eyelashes at me, taking the possible sting out of his words, but it’s not necessary. I know he's only messing about with me, and if he could get laid tonight he would.

  “Yeah it’s all about your standards.” I wink before turning back to the food in front of me. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t drink tonight, even if the firm’s Christmas party is usually the perfect place to indulge. After getting drunk the other night, even the thought of alcohol makes my stomach churn. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to come tonight, the thought of being here surrounded by people I don’t really know, knowing that they are watching me, didn’t really sound like fun. The only reason I'm here is Grey. He took the night off so he could come with me, and was coming whether he had to drag me here naked or dressed. I thought it was better to just go along with the original plan of attending, and once we’ve stayed a few hours and gossiped about everyone, he might be happy to just go home.

  I pick up a stuffed potato skin and raise it to my lips. It freezes midair as I feel the atmosphere in the room change. It thickens, almost like an electric current is suddenly running through every atom in the air. I know what it is, or should I say who it is. My throat tightens and my heart starts beating far too fast. I don’t need to turn to confirm the fact that Trey has just arrived at the party, but Grey tells me I'm right when he grunts his disapproval. I know he’s taken an instant dislike to Trey, and not because he has done anything wrong, but because I'm hurt. It’s the best friend code; no man ever comes between us.

  “God has just arrived, so don’t lose it. Remember that he isn’t good enough for you, he was lucky to have you when he did.” I know he's trying to be a good friend, but I can’t help but thinking that he has it totally wrong. I may have decided the other night that I was more worthy of being with Trey than I originally thought, but that doesn’t mean he was the lucky one. I know one hundred percent that Trey could get anyone he wants, and the fact that I was fortunate enough to have him look in my direction makes me the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.

  I haven’t seen Trey since that day at the office, not since he had his lips on Quincy, and I don’t know if I want to see him now. Actually that is a lie, I want to see him, I just don’t know how I will cope if I do. I put the potato skin down on a discarded plate, my appetite suddenly vanishing. I take a deep breath and turn, my eyes instantly finding Trey standing in the corner of the room. He’s all alone, just standing there with his hands in his pockets, but demanding nearly everyone’s attention. He has this way about him, a way of commanding a room without even trying. He just has this presence that draws people to him, almost like they can sense the power in him and want to see it in person. That’s not why my eyes are drawn to him, though. I'm drawn to him because I need to see him as much as I need my next breath. I know I shouldn’t still feel like that but I can’t turn it off. I’ve never been in love with anyone, not like this anyway, and I hope that at some point it doesn’t feel like it does now. I always imagined what it would be like when I found the one and fell in love. I thought it would be like the world would suddenly make sense because I would have found the other half of me, and it is a little like that, but there is a lot more pain than I ever dreamed of.

  As if he can sense my stare, Trey turns his eyes to me. There’s no searching the crowd, they instantly meet mine like he knows exactly where to find me. The breath I was trying desperately to keep calm suddenly catches in my throat as his eyes bore through me and into my soul. I try to tell myself to look away, to not get drawn into anything with him, but I just want to walk across the room and kiss him. Unfortunately the feeling leaves me very quickly as I watch Quincy walk over and lean into Trey as he talks into his ear. I tear my eyes away instantly, bile suddenly churning in my stomach. Despite knowing what happened in his office, seeing them so close to each other feels like someone has kicked me in the ribs.

  I need to get out of here. I can’t be in the same room as them and watch them together. Thankfully Grey has turned his attention back to the food table so making my excus
es to him is easier than anticipated.

  “I'm just going to the toilet. Are you okay on your own?”

  He looks up from the table and I can’t help laughing when I see his cheeks are puffed out with food. He nods his head, thankfully not attempting to talk with his mouth so full. This guy really loves his food and I have no idea how he manages to stay so slim. I know if I didn’t dance so much I would have to start a gym to keep up with how much I eat, and I eat half as much as Grey.

  I pat Grey on the shoulder as I walk past him, purposely keeping my eyes away from the side of the room that Trey and Quincy are on. I don’t stop when I reach the bathrooms, just keep on going until I'm standing outside on the top of the steps at the back of the building. I'm suddenly very thankful that the party is being held in the conference room on the bottom floor of the building we work in.

  I finally manage to take a deep breath, the cold air clearing my head and settling my nerves a little. I don’t know if I can work here any longer. Watching Trey and Quincy together is going to be too hard. I think the easiest thing is to find another job with another law firm, no matter how much the thought of leaving here hurts. I love working here, it’s the first place I have felt took me seriously and I felt like I'm actually helping. Being in court with Trey was unlike anything else I've done, and it made me realize that’s where my passion lies. Now I will just need to start again with another law firm, and hopefully with a good reference from Colby, Jamieson and Rose I will get a job with a company with a good reputation.

  My peace and quiet is shattered when I hear the door behind me open. It’s not open for long as the noise of the party fades quickly. I step to the side to let whoever has exited the building space get down the stairs.

  My blood freezes in my veins as I hear the voice beside me, I would know that fucking voice anywhere. “Bit cold to be out here isn’t it?”

  I don’t turn around or acknowledge the fact that he's spoken. I want nothing to do with him and the sooner he realizes the better.

  “Are you not talking today, Roman? But why? It’s me that should be pissed off. You hit me.”

  I turn my head and look over my shoulder to Quincy, hoping the hate I'm feeling is shown clearly on my face. Turning away again, I look up to the sky and try to summon all the patience I can find.

  “And I thought that now we had something in common we could be friends.”

  I can’t hold my tongue any longer, and I know I'm doing exactly what he wants when I answer him. “We have nothing in common, Quincy. No matter where our lives go there is nothing that would ever bring us closer together.”

  I feel him move closer to me, the heat from his body moving over my arm. I want to step further away from him but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he's affecting me. When he speaks his voice is closer than I anticipated, his breath moving over my neck and causing an unpleasant shudder. “But we do, Roman. I know what your lover boy tastes like, and I can say now that I know what the attraction is.”

  I turn so quickly that I find myself face to face with him, closer than I have ever wanted to be with him. His words are tearing my insides apart, and I know that he's loving every second of my pain. I can’t even give him a verbal response, so I go to push past him but he catches my arm and pulls me back towards him.

  “Oh don’t be like that. I'm willing to share, and just so you know, I would love to know what you taste like, too. I have never seen Trey’s attraction to you, but maybe I'm missing something really amazing.”

  I open my mouth to tell him to go fuck himself but before I get the words out his lips are on me. I stand in shock, not knowing what the fuck is happening, and a few moments later I feel my body being pushed backwards. I'm moved until my back is against the outside wall behind me. It takes me a few more seconds until my common sense hits me and I push against Quincy's chest. I manage to get him to move back a fraction, his lips thankfully leaving mine, but he stays standing where he is, right in my face.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  He makes a show of licking his lips and I feel my stomach cramping at the action. I try not to think about the fact the only thing I can taste at the moment is Quincy’s mouth, because that might actually make me vomit.

  “I knew there was a reason that Trey let you work with him, and now I've had a taste I know the reason. Shit, do you suck dick as well as you kiss?”

  Okay I was wrong, the thought of sucking his cock is the thing that is going to make me vomit. “You need to back the hell up, and don’t put your lips on me again.” I don’t want to start another fight, but he's close to getting his ass handed to him again. He’s stronger than I imagined, but I know if I put more effort into it I could easily get him away from me, I just think there will be blood involved if I have to go that far. “Seriously, Quincy, back the fuck up.” I freeze as I hear another voice get involved in our argument, and this one sounds really angry.

  “I think you should do as he asks before I knock you the fuck out.”

  I sense Roman as soon as I walk into the room. I don’t know what it is about him but I can always tell when he’s close. It’s like my soul can feel him before my eyes even have a chance to see him. I look around as I walk towards the back of the room and I see him next to the food table talking to an attractive guy. I haven’t seen him before, and as much as it pains me to think it, I have to come to the conclusion that the guy is here with Roman. I wonder if this is why he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, because I pushed him away one too many times and he decided to find someone who wants him. I'm not surprised he's found someone so quickly, but I would be a liar if I said it didn’t hurt just a little … actually it hurts like a motherfucker.

  I try to keep my eyes off him but it’s hard, and when the guy leans over to talk to him I want to storm over to them and pull him away. They look too comfortable together, like they have known each other a long time and I wish it was me with him. I always treated Roman like he was a dirty little secret, and now that he’s found someone else I want to tell the world I had him. I take a minute to indulge in just staring at him, looking at how gorgeous he looks tonight. He always looks as though his clothes are made especially for him, fitting his body to perfection and I envy that. Everything he wears just adds to the attraction, and tonight is no different. He’s wearing dark, tight-fitting jeans with a white button up shirt. He has the arms rolled up to his elbows and I want to run my hands over the skin he's showing.

  I turn away, knowing that I made the decision to walk away from Roman, all this pain that I'm feeling is down to me so I need to keep my head in the plan. Give it a few weeks, possibly a month and it won’t hurt as much as it does now to see him, especially now I know he's moved on. I feel the body next to me and before I have time to react Quincy is leaning into me, standing way too fucking close for my liking. I instantly turn to look at Roman, seeing him staring at us, and it almost looks like seeing us is causing him pain. I don’t know why he would be hurt, but my suspicions are confirmed as he looks away from me and Quincy, but not before I can see the look of devastation in his eyes.

  My attention is brought back to the idiot beside me when he speaks. I haven’t spoken to him since I kicked him out of my office the other day, and he's had the good sense to stay out of my way. I don’t know if he thinks he's safer here with an audience, but if he does he doesn’t know me very well.

  “Stop eye fucking my competition. I’ve told you that I will gladly provide anything you need.”

  I feel anger spread through my body, especially when I see Roman leaving the room quickly. I look at Quincy and find he's watching Roman leave too, which makes me even angrier. He is the one causing this shit, and going by the smile on his face he is loving every single second of it. I go to talk to him, to tell him that I’m going to put my fist through his face if he doesn’t leave me alone, but he holds up his hand, silencing me.

  “Hold that thought, I have someone I need to talk to.” He turns an
d walks away quickly, following the path that Roman just took, but not before I see him licking his lips. What the fuck is happening? Is Quincy just trying to get a reaction from me, or is he genuinely interested in Roman? The whole thing is confusing, especially since he’s just offered himself up to me. I stand in place for a few minutes, but the not knowing what’s happening is messing with my head and making me irritated. I know it must be showing on my face when people keep looking my way but not approaching, almost like they’re too scared to come too close. I usually don’t have a problem at the Christmas parties, my workers feeling relaxed enough to talk to me, but no one has come near me today.

  My curiosity gets the better of me and I follow the path that both men took minutes before. I think that maybe they are in the bathroom but a quick check shows me that it’s empty. I look into a few other rooms that are on the bottom floor but they are all dark, and I stand in the entrance looking around, wondering where they’ve gone. I'm about to go back into the party when I hear voices outside the main door. I walk over quietly, trying to make out anything that’s being said. I don’t know if it’s them to begin with, but when I hear Roman’s raised voice I open the door and it takes a few minutes to work out what I'm seeing. Quincy has Roman pushed up against the wall, his body pressing him firmly so he can’t move. Roman has his hands on his chest, but it’s not to try and pull him closer, it’s to push him away. I can hear the anger in Roman’s voice as he talks, and it finally moves me out of my shocked stupor and pushes me firmly towards furious again.