by T A. McKay
“Number one, he's not my plaything. He's my … boyfriend?” I hate that it comes out as a question, but the fact is we haven’t discussed anything like this. I don’t know what I mean to him, no actually that’s a lie, I know what I mean to him but I don’t know what title to go by. “And secondly, if you bring up his stripping at his club I swear I will knock you on your fucking ass. The last thing he needs is to be reminded of that night.” I take a large mouthful of the coffee in front of me, letting it soothe my nerves a little. I didn’t think that buying something for Roman would be so difficult. I've never had this problem before, but I know why it’s so hard. I want our first Christmas together to be perfect so everything I buy needs to be something that he will love, something that will show I know him.
Nathan holds up his hands in front of him in a show of surrender, but the smile on his face tells me he isn’t as sorry as he is making out. “I'm sorry, boyfriend. I will store that piece of information away for future reference. But back to the present, what sort of things does he like?”
I take another drink, my mind quickly thinking over everything he's mentioned or done. As the nutty flavor of the coffee spreads over my tongue I smile, knowing one thing he loves just as much as I do.
“He loves good coffee.” Nathan rolls his eyes at me but I don’t let it stop me telling him the things my man loves. “His dancing, and he always smells so fucking good. He loves his work and I see him shine when he’s working on a case. Fuck, when he gets all engrossed in something, especially something that he can’t work out straight away, he runs his hand through his hair and bites his lip. That’s when I just want to bend him over my desk, make that perfect hair of his all messed up.”
“Fuck me, Trey, are you trying to give me a boner?” I look up quickly, forgetting that I was talking to Nathan as I got carried away. I totally didn’t mean to say all that to him, and the heat flushing over my cheeks shows that fact to Nathan.
“I'm sorry. That was way more information than I should have shared with you.” The laughter across the table from me doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t need Nathan to know exactly how much I like Roman, even though I'm pretty sure he already knows.
“I don’t mind the information, but I think we have already worked out I find your boyfriend hot. So picturing him bent over a table wearing a suit … well that’s just too much.”
The caveman in me wants to reach over and grab Nathan by the shirt and scream MINE! I know he doesn’t mean anything by his comments, this is just the way Nathan is, but I can’t help the feelings that his words create. He has said things about past boyfriends, but knowing that he never found them attractive just made what he said funny, now I feel protective.
His words provoke a question, though. “Do you want to have sex with men, and not in a threesome situation?” I don’t know where the question comes from but I suddenly want to know the answer. It’s now Nathan’s turn to blush, and I can’t help the sense of satisfaction that I now have him on the back foot.
“Come on, Nathan, don’t go shy on me now.”
He just looks at me for a long time. If it was anyone else I would feel sorry for them and give them an out from this conversation, but it’s not just anyone, it’s my big-mouthed best friend.
A few more seconds of silence and he finally decides to answer me. “I'm not sure.” Okay, not what I expected, and instead of giving me answers it just gives me more questions.
“You need to give me more than that. I take it you are now attracted to men? But is it you want to be with a guy, just the two of you?” I lower my voice so I don’t bring attention to our conversation. I know I shouldn’t have started this in public, but now I've started I want to know. I trust Nathan with everything in my life, and I want to know how he’s feeling about what we spoke about at Thanksgiving. We haven’t mentioned it since then with everything that’s happened in my life, and now I need him to be able to talk to me, let me be the ear for a change.
I lean in closer, our heads nearly touching. “You can tell me anything, Nathan. There’s nothing that you can possibly confess to that will make me love you any less.” My words are met with a big sloppy kiss on the lips, making me pull back and glower at the asshole across from me.
“It doesn’t matter if I want men now, Trey, you just aren’t my type.” He winks and I can’t help the laughter that comes out of me. I know he's avoiding answering my question but I let him away with it. I will get him to be honest with me, but I won’t push him. I will give him enough time to work out what he feels.
“Fuck you, like you could get this ass.” My voice is no longer quiet, and all the people on the surrounding tables turn to look at us, a look of displeasure on their faces. I try to get the waiter’s attention while Nathan’s laughter drowns out most of the noise from the café. I think it’s time to leave before we are kicked out.
I leave the shop, the bell ringing as I let the door close behind me. I can’t believe I just shopped there. Nathan had told me about this little boutique that he knew about that was filled with unusual things, and he thought that it might just be the place for me to find something for Roman. When I got here I hadn’t wanted to go inside, it wasn’t the usual place that I would be found, but I took a chance and I'm glad I did. Just like Nathan said the place was full of knick-knacks and I found a few things that will be perfect gifts for the man I love.
I stop moving as I say the words in my head, the shock of them making me stop breathing. The man I love? Do I love Roman? Even as I ask myself the questions I know the answer, and I think I've known it for a long time. I tried to run away from the truth even though it has been staring me in the face for a while now. I’m in love with Roman Knox. I can’t help the huge smile that suddenly appears on my face, and even when Nathan comes and stands before me I don’t stop.
“Was the shop that good?”
“I'm in love with Roman.” I can’t help the words as they come out my mouth, and even though I know the first person I should tell is Roman, I'm glad I've finally said them out loud. It feels like the weight of the world has suddenly lifted from my shoulders and I’m free from all the shit that I haven’t wanted to admit. I laugh a little when Nathan’s eyes go wide, but there is a look of happiness on his face.
“Not really the question I asked but thank fuck that you're finally admitting it. I swear if it took you any longer to realize it I was going to send up smoke signals.”
I give him the finger. I should have known he would have a smart-ass comment for me, but the edge is taken off when he wraps his arms around me and gives me a hug.
His voice comes out quietly, and when it does I'm glad that I can’t see his face. “I'm really happy for you, brother. I swear I was scared that you were going to cut everyone off and your stubborn ass would grow old alone. You deserve more than that, and someone deserves to love you. Roman is the right man for you, I could see that right from the beginning.” He gives me another quick squeeze before he pulls away, his usual cocky arrogance firmly back in place.
“So, what did you get your favorite little twink?”
I run my tongue along the front of my teeth, refusing this time to react to his assholeness. I thrust the bag I'm holding out in front of me, staying silent as he takes it from my hand. I watch as he opens it up, looking at the gift inside. He laughs when he sees it but I can’t if tell he likes it.
“Well chosen. I told you this was the perfect place.”
I'm glad he can’t see the smaller gift that’s in my pocket, because if he could he would think I'm insane. As soon as I saw it sitting on the shelf in the boutique I knew I had to get it, a plan instantly forming in my head. I’m going to hopefully make this Christmas one that Roman will never forget.
I spin in my chair one more time, trying to ease the boredom of the afternoon. I can’t believe that I got roped into covering the last day that the office is open, that’s what I get for being off when the schedule was made. I'm the only person here, and I'm
only here on the off chance that someone will call. We officially close for the festive period at five o’clock tonight and it can’t come around quick enough. The phone hasn’t rung once, and the only person that’s been here has been the janitor, emptying the last of the trashcans before they close down the building.
I've been day dreaming the past hour about what would happen if they forgot I was here, locking me inside and leaving me here until after New Years. I quickly changed the direction of my thoughts when the lights in the hall went off, making me panic even though common sense told me it was because no one was moving about. I’ve now convinced myself that security will clear the floors, and I'm pretty sure that someone would miss me at home and call the emergency services.
God, I need to find someone to talk to before I lose my mind completely. This being alone thing is not all it’s cracked up to be. When I was first told I had the Grinch shift, the pleasant name that this day has become known as, I was full of plans for everything I would get done. I would catch up on all my paperwork and case files, reply to all my emails so my inbox was empty, try all the different flavors of coffee in the break room, and finally I would read the book I've had sitting on my kindle for about a month now. In reality I have done nothing other than spin in this chair, eat, and stare at the wall. Who would have thought that five hours could drive a man insane?
I grab my cell off my desk and open it to my messages. I stare at it a minute and wonder who I should text. Everything in me wants to hear from Trey after being away from him for the last two days. The only thing that’s stopping me is I don’t want to be that needy person, the one who needs constant contact with him, but I think I actually do. I’ve spoken to him on the phone, planning on getting together tomorrow night, but after everything that happened the other night with him I would feel better if I could see him. It’s official, I've turned into that guy. I open up the contact I need and type out a message, sending it and hoping to get a reply.
‘Please save me from this boredom that might just kill me.’
I wait a long time for a response, and when I don’t get one I know that Grey must be busy at work. He's working double shifts just now so he can get two days off over Christmas, and he's been so tired the last week. He has tomorrow off, a double, and then that’s him until the day after Christmas. I hate it when he works so much because I can see the strain it puts on him. Dark circles under his eyes, his skin going pale with lack of sleep, and the stress of the job he does getting to him. I don’t know how he does it, hours upon hours of dealing with injury and death, and he still comes home with a smile on his face.
I decide not to pester him, but that leaves only one person that will be able to help me chase away the boredom. I write him a message and send it before I change my mind.
‘I need to make a formal complaint. This is the suckiest day at work I've ever had, and I am close to jumping out a window … or searching your office for hidden secrets.’
It doesn’t take long until I have a reply to my message, and when I read it, it makes me laugh.
‘I will get the paperwork organized for you, but I will warn you, you’ll need a good lawyer. Feel free to go and snoop, there might actually be something of interest in my top drawer. But please, whatever you do, don’t let the tied up naked man out of my bathroom. It took about an hour to trap him in there.’
I spin in my chair again, trying to think of the perfect answer to him. I’ve never been the funniest of people, even though Grey says I’m the kind of guy who’s funny without even trying, but I want to make Trey laugh. After all the sadness he's had in his life the past few weeks, actually probably the last few years, I just want to be the one who makes him happy. I finally think I have conjured up a good reply, but even as I type it I'm not sure. I hope he takes it as the joke it is, but I may have to beg forgiveness if he doesn’t.
‘That’s what the noise is? I thought that maybe you had Quincy hidden under your desk. You know, keeping him in reserve for when you're done with me.’
As soon as I send it I wish I could take it back. I don’t know if we’re at the point where we can joke about what happened with Quincy. We spoke about it when we spent the night together, and we realized that he had been trying to get in between us, telling lies, and probably hoping that he would be able to take my place in the firm. I didn’t tell Trey but I also think that Quincy has a thing for him. No one would ever offer themselves to someone, no matter how far it could take them in their career. I think when they worked together Quincy thought that there was something between them, and as much as I can understand how he fell for Trey, the sooner he realizes the man is mine the better.
I am so stuck in my head I jump a little when my cell pings in my hand, Trey’s message lighting up the screen.
‘The only reason Quincy would be under my desk would be so I could kick him every time I sit down. Now stop talking about him and go snoop … and remember to look in the top drawer ;)’
I know it shouldn’t, but the smiley face makes my stomach tumble. I love when he's in a playful mood, and his comment about Quincy has me giggling like a teenage girl. Shit, I have it so bad for him and it’s making me act so differently than normal. No one has ever made me smile as much as Trey does, or at least when he's not trying to push me away, and I hope we are now past that now.
I get up from my desk and put my cell in my pocket as I walk over to Trey’s office. I get nervous walking in, knowing that I really shouldn’t be here. He gave me permission though, but even with that in my mind I feel the nerves building with each step. He told me to check his top drawer so I decide to go there first, because at least then I know what I will stumble upon. My mind goes over all the possibilities of what might be there, but I can’t imagine what he might have left in here where anyone can find it. Trey isn’t like the other partners, he doesn’t lock his office when he leaves, but all drawers and filing cabinets are locked, keeping client information safe.
I sit in his seat behind the desk, running my hand over the cool leather as I imagine him sitting here. He always looks like he runs the world when he sits here, and I suppose in his world he does. He has more clients than the other partners, and I think that pisses Mr. Jamieson off. He always walks about with a chip on his shoulder, like he wants to be the most important in the firm, but no one could ever take that away from Trey. There will never be anyone else like Trey, which makes me very thankful that, for the moment, I have him.
I hear a voice from the office door, and almost like I have summoned him by thinking about him, I look up at a very annoyed looking Mr. Jamieson.
“And what exactly do you think you're doing in here, Mr. Knox?”
Chapter 25
I storm into Roger’s office, not even pausing to knock or announce myself. I was angry when he called me to announce that he had found Roman in my office, and I got even angrier when he said that without permission to be there, there was a chance that he would be dismissed instantly. Now as I enter, listening to Roger as he berates an already nervous looking Roman, I'm about ready to spill blood. I told him that I’d given Roman full permission to be in my office, but since Roman couldn’t tell him what he was looking for then he thought I was just making excuses and wouldn’t deal with me over the phone.
As the door slams against the wall behind it, both sets of eyes turn to look at me. Roman’s look at me pleadingly, like he needs me to save him from what’s happening. What he doesn’t know is that I'm only too happy to save him for the rest of his life. That’s what Roger interrupted when he called. I was sitting in the park, taking some quiet time to work out what was happening in my life. Nathan had left about an hour earlier, and I found a bench and sat, bundled up in my warm jacket and just thought. I spent time thinking about my brother, missing Dalton even more than I ever have. I haven’t heard an update on him all week, and where some people might take that as a bad sign, I don’t. I’m living with the whole, no news is good news, scenario. If there’s no body then ther
e is a chance my twin is coming home to me. I don’t feel like he's gone, there isn’t a hole inside me that is missing my other half.
The rest of the time was taken up with thoughts of the man in front of me. How he’s changed the way that I’ve thought for years, how he has so easily come into my life and turned it on its head, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I didn’t realize it before, but when I push him away it isn’t because I don’t trust him, it’s because I’ve been trusting him too much and it’s scaring me. The breakthrough scared me a little, to know that Roman has gotten under my skin without me even knowing. The even scarier thought is that I don’t care, and as I watch Roger try and prove his dominance over what is mine, the urge to walk over and smash him in the face is almost overpowering.
I don’t even acknowledge anyone before I speak, so close to losing the tight grip I have over my anger. “Leave, Roman. Go to my office and wait for me there.”
He hesitates for a few seconds, obviously not sure what to do. I hate the fact that he's been put in this situation, all because Roger is a dick who feels the need to try and act more important than he is. Roman’s eyes move between Roger and me, and when they come back to land on me I nod at him, letting him know he's okay to leave.
“Go, Roman. It’s fine.” I make sure to keep my voice soft. I don’t want him to think I'm angry with him. He’s done nothing wrong in this situation, and once I've dealt with Roger I will prove it to him.
He doesn’t say anything as he turns and leaves, practically running out the door and down the hall. Once I know that he’s out of the way I move to the door and close it quietly, showing more control than I thought possible. I take a deep breath before turning to look at Roger, the smug look he had on his face when I arrived a very distant memory. This is him all over. He’s a typical bully, acting big around the people that can’t fight back, like the juniors, but losing his balls when it comes to facing me.