The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  “I hate you, Nathan. You do know it’s my ass he's going to take it out on.”

  I flip a wave over my shoulder, smiling as I walk away from him.

  “Yeah, I know. And you're welcome.”

  ‘My place at 7!’

  That was the message I’d received about an hour ago from Trey. I was tempted to delete it and pretend it never came through, but that would just make him turn up at my house. If he had to go to those lengths to talk to me I know he wouldn’t be happy, or should I say even less happy than he probably is right now.

  So that’s why I'm here, parked in the underground parking lot under the guys’ apartment building. I take a deep breath before I get out my car and step into the lift that will take me directly to Trey’s door.

  I jump when the bell pings, and it takes me back to earlier when I was at his work, so eager to get to Trey’s office. Now I'm standing with the doors fully open, not wanting to move. It’s like I'm waiting for them to close again so I can escape.

  “I suggest you get your ass in here soon, Nathan.”

  I take another deep breath, letting it out slowly before plastering a smile to my face, hoping it will get me off the hook.

  The door’s open when I reach it but there’s no sign of life. I let myself in, and when I hear noises coming from the kitchen, I head in that direction. When I finally see Trey he’s sitting on a chair at the breakfast bar, his eyes are trained on me as he pushes a beer across the worktop in my direction. He doesn’t say anything and his silence is more worrying than if he was screaming at me.

  I take a seat, swigging from the bottle and trying to gauge his mood. It’s hard to tell, so I decide to keep it casual. “So, how’s work?”

  The twitch on his lips tells me that he's trying not to laugh, which is a good sign.

  “You know you're an asshole, right?”

  I nod as I take another drink. There’s no point disagreeing with him, he knows me better than anyone. “So, Mr. Bryce is rather hot. You didn’t mention that to me when you demanded I hate him.”

  He rolls his eyes and takes a drink of his own beer. “I didn’t demand that you hated him, I just suggested it with a lot of passion. But yeah he is, and as much as I hate to admit it, Zeke is actually a really nice guy. I would love to hate him, but Bryce really is happy with him.”

  I know how hard it is for Trey to admit that, because even though he's happy now, Bryce cheating on him broke his heart. I didn’t think he would ever be able to find anyone after that blow, but then I didn’t count on Roman. “That makes two of you then.”

  The smile on his face lets me know he's thinking about his guy, the love is literally shining out of his eyes. “Yeah, it does. Don’t think I've forgiven you though. I think we need to have a day at the gym soon.”

  And like that my happiness for the dick across from me vanishes. “Yeah, I figured we would. You know I’m sorry, right? I didn’t even think before I spoke … both times. But you can’t just tell me something like that and not give me any more details. I thought we were bros?”

  “It wasn’t exactly something I wanted broadcasted around the world, which is why I didn’t tell you.” He raises an eyebrow in my direction and I smirk at him.

  “Anyway. It happened a while ago, and lets just say it was eye opening.” So many responses run through my mind about what it else it opened, but when he holds his hand up in front of him I keep quiet. “I swear you make a joke about this and I will stop telling you shit.”

  I listen to him because this clearly isn’t something that is open for ridicule. It’s obviously important to Trey, and I want to show him I'm totally the guy he can come to with things like this. He was there for me when I was confused about my attraction to men, spending hours away from his new relationship with Roman to listen to me and comfort me when my feelings became overwhelming. I’m okay with my new sexual preferences, well about ninety percent of the time, but I know if there was anything that I was worried about Trey would be there for me, anytime of the day. “I wouldn’t kid about this. Please carry on, I want to know how you feel.”

  He takes a few minutes to study me, obviously deciding if I'm being genuine or not. He must realize that I'm being serious, because he starts talking. “I didn’t know it was going to happen. It was my Christmas present from Roman.”

  Now it’s my turn to raise an eyebrow which makes Trey laugh. Go Roman.

  “I know. It was a total shock and I was beyond fucking nervous, but I needed to trust him at some point didn’t I?”

  “Was it worth it?” I would love to ask him for all the details, find out exactly what he did and how it was done, but this is still my best friend I'm talking to and I don’t need that image in my head.

  “Totally. It was the next morning I asked him to move in.”

  I choke on a mouthful of beer and I cover my mouth quickly so we don’t have a repeat of the coffee shop spitting incident. Trey must have the same thought because he grabs a dishtowel and hides behind it. I manage to get myself under control, coughing a few times before I manage to speak.

  “Would you stop fucking doing that. Before you say stuff like that will you please check that I don’t have my mouth full.”

  Trey laughs at me. “That’s what he said.”

  And now we have reverted back to fourteen-year-old boys, and we haven’t even finished the beer we started. “Very mature. Anyway, that must have been some sort of religious experience if you asked him to move in straight after.”

  “That’s not why I asked him. But shit, that night wasn’t like anything I've ever experienced before. I won’t scare you with the details, but lets just say that I may be letting him top a little more from now on.” He has this goofy look on his face and I can’t decide if he's in love or horny, but either way he's shit out of luck being here with me.

  “I'm happy for you, I really am. I was always happy that you finally let someone into that cold, dead heart of yours, but now I know that he's making you experience things you wouldn’t before, well I'm even happier.” I lift my beer bottle and raise it to him, waiting until he clinks his with it. “Here’s to you finally getting over yourself and falling in love. Been a long time coming, dude.”

  His cell phone rings, breaking the moment as he grabs it and checks the message.

  “It’s Roman, he’ll be home soon.”

  I can’t believe that I didn’t ask where he was when I arrived. He’s pretty much attached to Trey’s hip when they aren’t working, and tonight he's not here. “Where is he?”

  Trey gets up and puts his now empty bottle into the trash before grabbing another from the fridge. He holds one up to me, silently asking if I want another. I shake my head, knowing that I need to drive home in a little while. As much as I would love to get drunk with him, the hangover tomorrow won’t be worth it when I need to miss a day of work. He grabs a bottle of water for me before closing the door and returning to his seat.

  “He went to Grey’s house to see him. They’ve both been working so much recently that, other than the other night, they haven’t seen each other in weeks. I think he misses living with him.”

  The mention of Grey’s name makes my pulse spike. These are the feelings that I don’t understand. I don’t even need to see his face or hear his voice; just the mention of him is enough to get my body to react. I try to hide my feelings by changing the subject to one that there will be no mention of Grey. “So, Bryce got married? You didn’t mention that before.” I was a little shocked this afternoon when Bryce introduced his sexy man beast as his husband. I was happy for him, but was surprised it hadn’t been mentioned before.

  “Apparently so. I was shocked myself when they arrived for their appointment. And even though I freaking hate to admit it, they are good together. I'm pretty sure that if I didn’t have Roman I would be a fucking mess right now, but I'm actually feeling happy for him.”

  I pretend to wipe a tear from my eye, unable to resist being playful. “That was deep man. Che
ck you being all adulty and stuff.” I'm rewarded with the finger and I burst out laughing. When the front door closes with a gentle bang I don’t even pay attention, but my laughter fades slowly when I hear the voice that haunts my dirty dreams.

  “Hey guys.”

  Chapter 5

  As soon as I saw him in the kitchen I knew tonight was a mistake. I hadn’t planned on returning here with Roman, but he had wanted me to come and have a drink with him. I haven’t seen him properly in weeks, so even though it was late and I wanted just wanted to curl up and watch a movie, I agreed to come over for a few hours.

  Now I wish I’d stayed away. The last person I wanted to see tonight was Nathan. I’ve been feeling off center recently and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.

  “Hey, Grey. Where’s Roman?”

  I walk to the side of the breakfast bar where Trey is sitting and answer his question when I sit down. “He’s gone through to your room to get changed. He wanted to get out of his suit since he came straight from the office.”

  A smile spreads over Trey’s lips and he quickly stands. “Be right back.” He vanishes down the hall in the direction of their bedroom.

  “I wonder if we’re going to see them again tonight?”

  I can’t avoid looking at him any longer so I brace myself for the first proper look at his face since we shared a cab home. “I'm not convinced.” My voice comes out on a whisper and I kick myself for showing him that I'm anything less than confident around him.

  I watch him as he gets off his stool and walks to the fridge. He grabs a bottle of white wine and a glass from the draining rack. He pours half a glass and puts it on the worktop in front of me. After the last few days at work I want nothing more than to grab the glass and down the thing in one go, but after getting drunk the last time he saw me, I need to make sure he doesn’t think I'm always drinking.

  He sits across from me and we just sit in silence for a few moments, but strangely enough, it doesn’t feel awkward to me. I’ve always felt at ease around Nathan, even though there’s always the risk that he's about to say something to piss me off. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to make you feel relaxed but on edge at the same time.

  “How did you feel on Saturday morning?”

  I grab the glass of wine after deciding that I’ve been good for long enough. If we’re going to be bringing up what happened at the nightclub then I'm going to need alcoholic bravery. “Better than I deserved to. I think maybe the walk and sleep in the cab helped.” I smile at him and my heart skips a beat when he smiles back. This is the Nathan I like, the one that I think I could be really good friends with. When he isn’t acting like a jackass, I think he’s a genuinely nice guy. He’s a great friend to Trey from what I've heard, and he runs his own business that has been doing great. I'm pretty sure he couldn’t do that if he acted like an ass around his clients.

  “That’s the thing with getting old. It takes longer to get over a night out.”

  My eyes widen, but as I look over at him I can see the look of humor on his face. “That’s obviously what it is, and I'm glad I have an elder to tell me what’s to come with age.”

  His laughter makes heat spread through my body, making it obvious it’s enjoying the sound more than it should. “I keep forgetting how sharp those teeth are when you bite. I think that’s one of the most attractive things about you.”

  The stupid fluttering in my stomach makes me drink some more wine. I finish the glass before I realize it and Nathan refills it without asking.

  “And that right there, that’s the second most attractive thing.” He points to my cheeks that I can feel are bright red. He needs to stop talking to me like this, like he’s attracted to me. It’s confusing me more than I already am, and I really don’t need that right now.

  “Please stop.” I play with the stem of my wine glass to avoid his eyes. I can’t look at him just now, but I can feel his stare burning into my skin.

  “Stop what?”

  I hear his stool scrape against the floor and I work hard to keep my gaze fixed firmly on my glass. I need to get this out and I know if I see his face I will lose my train of thought. He does that to me. He makes me flustered and unable to form complete sentences without getting stuck. The only time I feel that I can hold my own against him is when he’s being a dick, then I can be sarcastic and bitchy which seems to help me control my brain.

  “Stop what, Grey?” My name is whispered close to my ear, his breath making my hair move. I gasp, taken by surprise at his sudden closeness.

  “Stop this. Stop getting so close. Stop saying sexual things. Stop pretending that you want me.” I know I sound breathy and my racing pulse is making me slightly light headed. I push the wine glass away from me, determined not to add any more alcohol to this situation.

  “Who says I'm pretending?”

  The growl in his words causes a groan to leave me and my dick to grow hard in my jeans. I can’t let this happen, if he sees how much he affects me I will never be able to live it down.

  I about jump for joy when I hear Romans voice entering the kitchen.

  “Seriously, Trey. I'm not coming back in there so you can put your pants back on. Poor Nathan is out here getting bored while you play with yourself.”

  I move quickly from the stool and put some much needed distance between Nathan and me. I walk over to Roman and put my arm through his. “So, I thought you promised me ice-cream and a movie?”

  He nods as we move to the living room, leaving Nathan sitting on his own in the kitchen.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  It takes Roman a few minutes before he takes his eyes off the screen and looks in my direction. “You seriously want to talk now? Matt Bomer is about to strip.”

  I laugh at Roman, knowing that his question is a very serious one. “You’ve seen this movie enough times to know what he looks like in that orange thong.”

  He looks back at the TV when the music changes, telling us that Matt is about to make his appearance. I should have timed my chat better; I know how much Roman's addicted to the guy. “I watch it for the dancing, it’s purely research. I'm a workaholic.”

  I laugh so hard that it comes out on a snort. There are many reasons why we’re watching this movie again and the dancing isn’t one of them. “No, you’re watching it to look at the fine men wearing very few clothes. You're a pervert.”

  He picks up the remote and pauses the movie, finally giving me his full attention. “Okay, you have the floor. I have shelved Matt for now, so shoot.”

  Now that he's staring at me intently, I'm not sure if I want to talk about it. I take a few minutes to try to decide what to do, before finally deciding to grow a pair and talk. “What’s Nathan’s story?”

  I expect for Roman to look surprised but there’s nothing. Actually that’s a lie; there’s a small twitch at the corner of his mouth that vanishes almost as quickly as it appeared.

  “What would you like to know about Nathan?”

  I don’t like the way he says Nathan’s name, like he knows something that he doesn’t want to say out loud. “What? Why did you ask like that?”

  He shakes his head, trying to look as innocent as possible. “I think you're imagining things, Grey. So, what do you want to know?”

  Now that’s he's put me on the spot, all the things I want to ask escapes my mind, leaving one very glaring question that I need to know the answer to. “Is he straight?” I can feel heat on my face as I ask, but I really need to know.

  “Well that’s a really interesting question, especially coming from you. Unfortunately, it isn’t an easy one to answer.”

  I'm so glad he is being so helpful with what he's saying. I mean, I would hate for him to actually give me an answer.

  “Don’t look at me like that. I'm being truthful here. Nathan’s story is complicated. If you had asked me six months ago I would have said that he is one hundred percent straight. Now, well now he is seeing the error of his way
s.”

  He gives a small laugh as he finishes talking, but I just feel more confused than I was before. I take a few minutes to try and process that. “So he's gay?”

  “No, he's not gay. Going by what Trey told me I would say he is very much bi.”

  Bi? The idea hadn’t even entered my head. My own, apparently narrow, mind only giving him two options. Gay or straight. I have a few friends that recognize themselves as bi, but I’ve just always heard that as them being gay. Shit, is it possible for a gay man to be that narrow minded?

  “He’s just discovering that he likes guys, so I think it’s a bit unchartered for him. Again, from what Trey says, which isn’t much, I don’t think he’s ventured very far on the guy side.”

  “So he doesn’t date guys?” There’s no way of asking these questions without sounding interested, so I don’t even try to hide it. The laugh I get in response isn’t encouraging though.

  “Nathan doesn’t date anyone. He is more a fuck it and duck it kind of guy. But no, I don’t think there’s been much action with a guy yet. He’s said a few things about touching and kissing, but I'm not really the guy he talks to about this kind of stuff.”

  I just nod my head, wondering if the sudden dropping feeling in my stomach is because I'm happy that he hasn’t been with another guy.

  “Now can I ask a question?”

  “If I said no would it stop you?”

  He shakes his head before leaning forward for his glass of wine. He takes far too long getting comfortable, and I have a feeling he’s trying to draw this moment out for dramatic effect. Just as I'm about to lose it he finally speaks. “Why all the questions about Nathan?”

  I shrug my shoulders, trying to act casual. “Just thought it would be good to get to know him. He's Trey’s best friend after all, so I think we’ll be spending a lot of time together in the future. It would be better for everyone if we were friends.”