The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I try to change gear and the gearbox freezes slightly before I manhandle it into submission. I should have taken my Porsche, but today just felt like I wanted something a bit harder to drive, something that requires more concentration. Now I wish I had taken the easy option, the option that would have taken me away from the city quicker. Once in gear I press on the accelerator and the engine whines as it picks up speed. I make a mental note to check on it at some point because it isn’t sounding too great.

  No matter how much I want to ignore what happened back at the apartment it seeps into my mind. The mental images of Grey looking at me with the tears in his eyes replay in my head over and over. Why the fuck had he gone along with what was happening if he didn’t want to do it? That’s what I don’t understand the most. I know that I wasn’t feeling comfortable with the situation, but Grey looked … broken? I shake my head to try and clear the image. It’s not something I need in my head as I try to work out what to do.

  That’s the other reason I'm driving. I seem to do all my best thinking when I'm behind the wheel, even though today I would rather be doing anything other than thinking about Grey and how I feel about him. Fuck, I have no idea what’s going on. How the hell did Trey manage this with Roman, why wasn’t I more supportive? I actually debate calling Trey but I have a feeling that’s where Grey has gone and if I call and get Roman, he’ll probably rip me a new one. Actually Trey probably would as well. The one thing he told me was not to pursue Grey because I would fuck it up and when I did it would make things awkward. Well I think this would count as awkward.

  These feelings that I'm having are as confusing as fuck. It’s like part of me wants to take Grey as my own, tell the world that he's mine and they can’t have him. But the other part of me wants to run away from everything connected to him. The thought of settling down still scares the shit out of me and that doesn’t exactly make for a great relationship. The biggest problem is that I don’t know if I can walk away from him. The thought of seeing him with someone else leaves an ache in my chest that I can’t explain. If I thought I was possible of it, I would think that it was my heart breaking, but that can’t be it.

  Going around in circles isn’t exactly making things any easier. It’s like when I decide one thing I manage to talk myself out of it until I'm back to the beginning. Out of everything that’s happened in the last year, all the life changing things that have occurred, it’s a tall, dark haired, male nurse that causes the most problems. I can accept the fact that I’m attracted to men and that being straight my entire life has been a lie, but I can’t seem to accept the fact that I might be falling in love with Grey.

  The world around me vanishes when that thought goes through my head. Do I love Grey? Is that what this is? I've never loved anyone other than Trey and Dalton, but that’s a completely different kind of love. They’re my brothers from a different mother, and there’s never been anything even remotely sexual with them. The feelings for Grey are so different, he’s everything I didn’t know I needed and I don’t know how I feel about that. The question goes through my head again.

  Do I love Grey?

  I picture the time we’ve spent together over the last few months, just laughing and having fun in each others company. I haven’t been out patrolling the clubs since he came on the scene; well except the night I went out determined to get him off my mind. Even that night didn’t work out well. My mind is full of Grey all day, even when I'm meant to be working he's all that I can think about. Is that love? He makes my stomach tumble when he's close, his touch makes my body feel like I'm receiving an electric shock, and my eyes can find him in a crowded room. It’s like I’m a magnet and he's the metal I can’t escape. Is that love?

  I look up at the next road sign and see that I'm heading back into the city. I don’t even remember turning around or leaving the highway. I slow my speed as I reach the city limits, the last thing I need is to get a ticket for speeding. For some strange reason I'm feeling a little lighter. It might add to the clusterfuck that is my life but I need to speak to Trey. I need to talk this out with someone who has been exactly where I am, because I have a funny feeling I know the answer to the question I've been asking myself, but I need to talk to Trey before I can actually admit it to myself.

  I stop at a red light and reach over to grab my earphones. That’s another problem with my Impala, there’s no hands free. I attach the earphones to my cell and call Trey’s number. It rings in my ear as the light turns green. After a small struggle with the gearbox I manage to get it into first and start to move. Trey answers just as I pull away and he doesn’t sound too happy with me.

  “I can’t believe you did it. You fucked up like I knew you would.”

  I let him have his rant, and when I'm about to speak a light catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. I turn in time to see a car coming straight at me. I don’t have time to get out of the way and braking won’t help. I turn the wheel hoping it will lessen the impact that I know is about to happen. When it does, the door next to me crashes into the side of my body and pain rips through my body. The noise of the car hitting me is almost deafening but I can hear Trey shouting my name.

  My head slams into the edge of the door and I can instantly feel a wetness falling down my face that’s followed a few seconds later by a searing burning sensation on my cheek. I want to hold my face, but my hands are stuck to the steering wheel. I don’t know why this strikes me as funny, but as darkness seeps into my vision, I let out a small chuckle as I hope that they will be able to remove my hands so they can bury me. Sadness seeps through me as I realize that my mom will have to bury her only son. There is no way I'm walking away from this. I think of all the things I'm going to miss and all the people who are important to me. The clearest thing in my head is Grey’s smile, the one he gives me when I make him laugh, the one he gives me when I kiss his breath away. I find myself smiling as the darkness finally takes me because I have loved in my life, I just wish I had had time to tell him.

  Chapter 24

  The stupid, pig headed, confusing, son of a bitch. I have no idea what happened in the five minutes that I left Nathan in the room with Jared, but returning to being told to leave was the last thing I expected.

  I was so angry when I left the apartment that I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to do. I only grabbed my jacket and keys, leaving my wallet in my bedroom wasn’t exactly the smartest plan. Thank god I had left my cell in my jacket because I would have been lost without it. I made two phone calls as I put distance between Nathan and me. The second was to Roman to let him know what had happened. When I told him the plan for tonight he had demanded I call him as soon as Jared left to tell him how it went. As I explained the events I could tell he was getting angrier by the second. The night hadn’t gone how I expected, and I'm pretty sure it’s not the story that Roman was expecting to hear. He said that I could go to their house and get drunk, but that ran the risk of seeing Nathan. If I wanted to speak to my best friend there’s a good chance that Nathan would want to speak to his. I already knew he would offer, so that’s why I had an alternative plan in place.

  That’s what my first call was, and it’s also the reason that I'm here picking up a spare shift at the hospital even though I'm on holiday. I suck in my lip, missing the coolness of the lip ring that I was getting used to again. I hadn’t worn it for a long time but the night out in Vegas felt right to wear it again. I wanted to be someone new, a fresh start and I think it worked. It’s a pity I needed to take it out for work, because I was just getting used to it again.

  Today was such a mess, and I know that I probably hold more blame than anyone. I should have told Nathan sooner that I wasn’t comfortable with it but I thought it was something he wanted. I can’t say I hated the whole experience, because that would be a lie. Watching Nathan’s reaction when I touched him was worth the discomfort. It’s the first time I've pushed him so far, and when my finger slipped into his body I thought I would come on the sp
ot. If it had just been the two of us I would have been the happiest man on earth … but then he touched me. Jared’s first touch had my whole body freezing, and when he pushed his fingers inside me it took everything in me not to run from the room. I was willing to partake in the threesome but I hadn’t actually thought about how it would feel to have someone other than Nathan touch me.

  I was coping with the touch, but when Nathan pulled me close to him and looked into my eyes with what looked like jealousy, that’s when it all became too much. I could feel the tear running down my cheek and there was nothing I could do to stop him from seeing. Watching the pain crossing his face was something I won’t ever forget. Is that why he kicked me out? Was he angry that I ruined his night?

  I slam the sharps container down on the metal work surface in the nurse’s room and everyone turns to look at me. Shit. I need to get myself under control. I came here so I didn’t have to think about what happened tonight, but so far it hasn’t worked.

  “Hey, Grey. Is everything okay?” I turn and see Gabby, the shift supervisor, standing next to me. She has a worried look on her face and I can’t blame her. I call her out of the blue and ask for a shift and then when I get here I'm act like a bear with a sore head. “Yeah, Gabby. I'm sorry. I'm fine, I promise. I just need to get my head in the game.”

  She still doesn’t look convinced and she's about to say something when a code one comes in over the emergency line. I use it as my excuse to escape, because if there’s anything that can clear my mind at the moment it’s an emergency. I smile at her as I exit the room at speed and rush down the hall to meet the arriving trauma. I can hear the team talking about what’s coming in, and I just have enough time to catch up before the double doors open and the patient is wheeled in.

  Male. Mid thirties. RTA involving two cars. This guy was in the car that was hit. Unconscious at scene and hasn’t woken yet. Serious face lac and loss of blood.

  I follow the paramedics down the hall and grab a trauma pack as I pass the supply trolley. This is what I need. Something that feels automatic. Working on an emergency is like a dance. Everybody knows each other’s next move and you know what needs to be done. I work on autopilot; collecting blood samples so we can cross match it for his blood type. I pass the filled vials to another nurse and look to Dr. Kyle for further instruction.

  “I need you to check the face wound, Grey. Assess it and tell me how bad it looks. If it needs immediate attention let me know.” He goes back to working on the damage to the patient’s leg which is a priority at the moment. They need to stem the bleeding before he loses too much blood.

  I walk up to the head of the bed, noting the bloody bandages that cover most of the guy’s face. The only part that isn’t covered is a space around the lips where the breathing tube is. I feel sorry for this guy. Whatever hit him has left him in mess and if I had to bet, I’d say that he might not make it. I reach out and take a hold of the top of the gauze, trying to be careful as I remove it. I know the guy is unconscious but I don’t want to add to his injuries if I can help it. The gauze is saturated in blood, but as I uncover his forehead it doesn’t look like there’s any active bleeding.

  “I'm just going to remove this from the rest of your face. I'm sorry if it hurts.” The other nurses think I'm crazy when I speak to the patients when they aren’t conscious. I don’t like doing things to them without explaining it, and who knows, they might be able to hear me.

  I pull the last of the bandage away from his face before turning to throw it into the medical waste bin behind me. When I turn back the world around me vanishes as I look at the face I'm working on. My body starts to tremble and my hands hover in midair as I look down onto the face of the man I love.

  This can’t be happening. This is a dream and I need to wake up now.

  I reach out and touch the undamaged cheek. I try to convince myself that this isn’t Nathan but I know that it is. There’s no mistaking him, even with blood covering most of his face. Oh god, that’s my Nathan.

  An alarm goes off next to the bed and the activity in the room increases around me. I can barely hear anything, all my attention on Nathan on the bed.

  “Grey, clear the area. Grey!”

  I look up to find Dr. Kyle looking at me. I have no idea what he's talking about until someone takes my hand from Nathan’s cheek. I didn’t even realize I was still touching him. I watch as Nathan is shocked, his body jumping off the bed as they try to bring him back. Hands start to give him chest compressions and it finally hits me what’s happening.

  No. No. No. No. This can’t be happening.

  I back away from the bed until I hit the wall behind me. The whole world has focused on Nathan and I can no longer breathe as he lies in front of me dying. My legs give out and my butt hits the floor with a thud. A nurse comes over to me, moving quickly like she can stop me falling after the fact. I know that she’s talking to me, but the only thing I can hear is the blood rushing in my ears.

  I don’t know how long I sit there, praying to a god that’s never listened to me in the past, that Nathan will live. If he dies I don’t know how I’ll survive. A world without Nathan isn’t one I want to be a part of.

  Someone clapping their hands in front of my face brings my attention back. The alarm has stopped and there’s a steady beeping as the machine registers Nathan’s heartbeat. I sob in relief when I see them still working on him. That’s a good sign; you don’t work on a dead guy.

  Dr. Kyle kneels in front of me with a worried look on his face. I've worked with him a lot and there’s never been a moment when I’ve been anything other than professional with him. But there’s never been a time when I've found someone I love on the table in front of me. “Are you okay, Grey?”

  I find it hard to find my voice and I only manage to get one word out before my throat closes up. I point towards Nathan. “Him.”

  Dr. Kyle turns and looks at Nathan behind him. He looks like he shouldn’t be breathing, but I know this team and I know that they will work to make Nathan better. “Do you know him?”

  I nod my head, tears streaming down my face. “He's my husband.”

  It’s been four days, six hours and twenty minutes since I first sat in this chair next to Nathan’s hospital bed. He still hasn’t woken up and I refuse to leave until I see his eyes.

  I sit up straight and crack my back, trying to relieve the throbbing that’s starting behind my left eye. I feel like I haven’t moved for a month, and I know that’s why I'm getting a migraine. Trapped nerves in my neck are not my friend.

  “Any news?”

  I look around to see Trey standing just inside the door. He looks worse than he did yesterday and I’m guessing that he didn’t sleep a wink last night. I'm sure he would have stayed another night in the chair opposite mine if Roman hadn’t dragged him out of here. He turned up while Nathan was being scanned and last night was the first night that he hadn’t been here.

  “Nothing. No change, but that’s a good thing.” I stand from the chair and move to the end of Nathan’s bed. I grab the medical chart and read over what the nurses and doctors had written overnight. Everything looks fine, I just need him to wake up.

  He actually came out of the accident with very few injuries, which was a shock to everyone. The main damage was the large laceration to his face, a deep gash on his thigh and some broken ribs. He also suffered a gastrocnemius rupture. Even though it isn’t a serious injury and one that normally only needs physiotherapy to heal, the surgeons decided to repair it as much as they could while they were operating on the wound on his leg. They’re hopeful that it shouldn’t cause him too many problems in the future as the operation went well. The damage to his cheek was treated by the best plastic surgeon in the hospital. The cut was deep and they worried about the scar that he might be left with, so I had asked for the best to work on him. I really don’t care though if he’s left with a scar though, I just want him to be okay. Watching his heart stop due to blood loss was the scariest thing
I’ve ever experienced, and I am more than happy to go my entire life without seeing that again.

  The longer Nathan’s asleep, the bigger the worry of there being brain damage. The scans have shown no signs of injury to his brain, but I just keep thinking the worst. Just because they can’t see anything doesn’t mean that there isn’t something wrong. He could be bleeding and they can’t see it. What if they’ve missed something important? What if he just doesn’t wake up?

  The doctors keep telling me that he’s healing so it might take a while, but I’ve been on their side of that specific conversation. I know that’s just what we tell all the patients’ families to help them stay calm while they wait.

  Trey walks over and kisses Nathan on the head. The move gives me a lump in my throat, and after watching him do it for days now it shouldn’t affect me anymore, but it does. “Morning, buddy. Are you planning on waking up today? I need to know because I don’t have many sick days left at work, so it would be easier if you woke up now.”

  Trey hasn’t been to work since Nathan’s accident and I don’t think he's planning on going back any time soon. I knew the guys were close but watching Trey now, I realize that I had no idea how close they really are. To see Trey arriving at the hospital and hear his sobs as the doctor explained what was happening, it spoke of a love that I don’t think I will ever understand. I'm close to Roman, but their connection is something special. I had to walk away when Trey collapsed into Roman’s arms, just watching it was making me lose my mind. I needed to keep control on my emotions or I wouldn’t be of any use to anyone.

  An arm wraps around my waist as I watch the one sided conversation between Nathan and Trey. I look around and see Roman standing next to me with a sad smile on his face. I'm glad he's here, because at the moment he's the only person I can talk to. I tried to talk to Trey but with both of us hurting so much it didn’t work.