Memoirs of a Wild Child

by P Lewis, Cassandra

  We sat at the dining table, listening to music and eating the delicious meal of lemon and thyme chicken with steamed vegetables and new potatoes. We drank wine, talked more and laughed almost constantly, while candles flickered around us, creating an ambiance that only intensified my need for him.

  As we finished our desserts, quiet fell between us. The distraction of the meal was gone now, and there was nothing more to stop us getting comfortable, getting closer and getting naked, and for the first time since Joshua, I was terrified.

  Once Ben and I went there, there would be no going back. Our friendship would never be the same, and if this relationship thing didn’t work out, I’d lose him. I frowned as I realised that I was actually contemplating a relationship. It had never happened to me before; not like this anyway.

  “What’s wrong?” Ben asked, looking amused at the expression on my face. I opened my mouth to speak before realising I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t need to say anything. Ben moved his hand across the table to take hold of mine. I swallowed hard at the contact and looked down at his thumb, gently, slowly stroking the skin on the back of my hand. “Pippa, tonight has been perfect. I don’t know what happens next, but don’t worry; it’s me.”

  I took a deep breath as the gravity of his words sunk in. It was him, Ben. The one man in the world, except for my dad, who valued me above everything and everyone else. Nothing that I have ever done or said had ever made him falter in his feelings for me. I smiled, before looking up at him once more, feeling the connection between us stronger than ever as he returned my gaze, and then stood up.

  Ben guided me over towards the sofa before pouring us both another glass of wine. He sat next to me, his body turned into mine and looked into my eyes. I was turned towards him, my knees drawn up onto the sofa. Ben lifted his arm onto the back of the sofa, stretching it out towards me and taking some of my hair between his fingers. He ran his hand down my long black hair softly before smiling and letting out a sigh.

  “This hair,” he shook his head. “That’s what did it you know?” I tilted my head to the side, encouraging him to keep talking, keep stroking. “Your hair was the first thing I ever noticed about you, It’s like satin.”

  I looked into his eyes, curious. “That’s what my dad always says about my mum’s hair,” I said, surprised, and a little dubious. Had I told him that? Was this a line?

  “No way, really?” Ben’s eyes lit up, innocent and happy at the coincidence. “That’s funny,” he said, a little less animated as he let the strands drop from his fingers. He raised his gaze to look at me, his eyes piercing me, slicing me open even. My heart pounded in my chest at the sight of the intensity in his eyes. I wanted him. Badly.

  I raised my hand to his chest, taking a gentle hold on the soft denim of his shirt and encouraging him towards me. He smiled briefly before hesitating, “Pip,” he started before I interrupted.

  “Just bloody kiss me.”

  As his soft lips touched mine, gently at first, I let out a small whimper. It only encouraged Ben as he moved forward, teasing my lips apart before finding my tongue with his. I opened my mouth a little more, allowing him to take what he wanted as he covered my mouth with his. Devouring me as the connection between us built, intensifying with every gasp, every moan, every brush of his tongue against mine, Ben pushed forward, he was slow but commanding as he guided me onto my back and settled above me.

  My hand finally left his chest and found his bicep, it flexed as he held himself above me. He broke away from my lips, kissing me along my jawline to my chin, and down my neck as I tipped my head back to give him the access he needed.

  I ran my hands down his sides, pulling at his shirt as he moved to rest between my legs, pressing against me with a roll of his hips and making me release a louder moan than those that had come before.

  Ben groaned as I moved my hands further down his body, finding his arse and squeezing through his jeans, encouraging him to press against me more, harder.

  “Pip,” he sighed, and I groaned, turning my head to search for his lips. I had never been so lost in a man, so needy. “No, Pippa, we can’t do this.” Ben’s mouth covered mine again, and he rolled his hips against me once more, I gasped, ignoring his breathless words.

  My hands came up to his muscular shoulder blades as I arched my back, pressing my chest into his, making him break our kiss and press his forehead to mine, breathing heavily.

  “Not like this,” he whispered, “not tonight.”

  My body relaxed back down to the sofa and Ben held himself above me, looking down with a mixture of frustration and lust in his eyes.

  “It’s fine Ben; I want this.” I implored, but he shook his head and moved to sit back on his heels. I sat up, confused. “I thought this was what you had always wanted,” I said, looking into eyes.

  “Pippa, YOU are what I’ve always wanted, not just sex with you,” Ben said, lifting my dropped chin with his hand and looking into my eyes. “I don’t want to be like all the rest. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it right, and I’m treating you with the respect you deserve.” He spoke slowly and softly, looking in my eyes the whole time, and holding my gaze until he was sure I understood.

  When the gravity of his words sunk in, I inhaled before tears stung my eyes; not enough to fall, but enough to prompt Ben to kiss me again. He loved me, he always had and now that he had me, he wanted to make sure that this was different to everything I’d had before.

  I hadn’t always respected myself, and the men I had allowed into my life respected me even less. Sex was always on a plate with me, and they knew that. It wasn’t a problem, it was how I had chosen to live my life, so I had no complaints. But now, I was changed, I was different, and Ben was the start of something new.

  When I woke up in Thailand the day after my drink was spiked, I had made a decision to make some changes in my life. Ben didn’t know that, as far as he was concerned, I was the same old promiscuous Pip that he had known for years. Yet still, he saw me as more, as someone worthy of his time and his respect, someone worthy of his love.

  I didn’t know until that moment that I had longed, for someone to look at me that way, and I don’t think I really realised until that moment that Ben always had. I knew of his feelings for me, but I thought he just saw me as a hottie and wanted to get in my pants. Right there and then, on that sofa in his immaculate living room, I finally realised that I was truly worthy of being loved, and capable of loving someone in return.

  After a bit more kissing on the sofa, both Ben and I decided it was too tempting. I was flying out to Portugal the following day to see my parents and didn’t know what would happen when I came back and went home to London. Ben offered to take me to the airport, and I took him up on the offer. He walked me back to my childhood home, holding my hand the whole way there. When we reached the front door, he leant in and kissed me again, gently this time but my stomach clenched just as intensely as it had on the sofa.

  “Don’t go meeting some sexy, Portuguese dude,” Ben said against my lips before I felt his mouth curve into a smile, and I laughed. For once, I had absolutely no intention of meeting anyone else, I hadn’t even gone yet and already couldn’t wait to get back. He kissed me again, and then rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “You’re freezing, get some rest, and I’ll see you in…” He looked at his watch and groaned, curving his lips in an Elvis Presley sort of way. “Five hours.”

  “I can get a taxi, you know,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t just say, ‘okay then’.

  “No, you cannot,” he tilted his head and looked at me, a serious authoritarian look in his eyes. “I need to remind you again in the morning what you’ll be missing.” I laughed, but he didn’t, not at first anyway, but he soon smiled and winked at me.

  I wanted him to come inside, never in my life had I wanted so badly to be with someone; and I didn’t mean sex, I just didn’t want to be apart from him. The thought of two weeks in the Algarve was suddenly unbearable.


  I kissed Ben goodnight and let myself into my parents’ empty house; it felt cold, and it took everything that I had not to open the door again and call him back to me. I kicked off my boots and threw my coat on the stairs. I fetched a glass of water from the kitchen before making my way upstairs, by the time I had pulled off my jeans and top, my phone had beeped on the bed with a text message.

  ‘four hours, forty minutes…’

  I smiled at the simplicity of it. There was no meaningless declaration of desire, no ‘wordy’ outpouring of feelings, just a simple four words that told me he was counting down until he could see me again. And the feeling was totally mutual.

  I pulled on my onesie and climbed into bed; staring at the ceiling in the dark. As I tried to get to sleep, my mind ran over the evening’s events. Heat burned in my cheeks and between my legs as I recalled the feeling of his kiss, the taste of him. I closed my eyes and remembered the smell of his aftershave filling my nostrils as I had gasped underneath him, the feel of the muscles in his back, tensing and flexing, as he had rolled his hips into me. I bit my lip at the memory of his hard body pressed against mine. Ben was right, we shouldn’t rush into sex with each other, but hey, there was nothing to say I couldn’t rush into sex with myself, right?

  Ben picked me up at six am as planned. I smiled when he squinted at me through tired eyes and leant in to kiss me briefly, before leaning down to pick up my bags and take them to his car. I had known him so long, so it shouldn’t have been surprising to me, but it was so comfortable.

  We were both tired, and as a result, fairly quiet on the drive to Manchester airport but the moments of eye contact, the genuine happy smiles and every time Ben reached over and took my hand throughout the journey made it, stupidly, one of the best mornings of my life.

  No man had ever made me feel that way. I had woken up in penthouse suites the world over; I had been with rock stars, multi-millionaires, male models, footballers and even a royal! Really! But not one of them had ever made me feel like I was something to be treasured; until Ben.

  I told Ben to kick me out at the drop off point so that he didn’t have to mess around with parking, but he refused. “I’m not going to see you for at least two weeks, Pip, I’m making the most of this,” he said seriously, while he searched for a parking space.

  He carried my bag in one hand and held my hand with the other as we walked to the terminal. I checked in, and we decided to get some breakfast before I went through to departures.

  “Coffee, smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel and a muffin, how did I do?” Ben asked sheepishly, as he placed the tray in front of me; I challenged him to choose my breakfast for me while I found us a seat.

  “Bloody brilliantly, that’s annoying.” I joked as I inspected the feast.

  Ben fist pumped victoriously, and I laughed as he sat down, triumphant and placed his bacon sandwich on the table.

  I took a bite of my bagel and wiggled in my chair excitedly. It’s like a tick, whenever I eat food that I like, I sort of, dance. I can’t help it, and don’t realise I’m doing it half the time. Rosie is so used to it that she never even responds anymore, but even to this day, Ben laughs every time.

  “You still do your food dance, then?” Ben asked, stifling a laugh as I stopped mid-chew and wrinkled my nose before giggling, and shrugging my shoulders. “You’re so cute at times, Carvalho.” Ben shook his head and took another bite of his sandwich, wiggling in his seat and making me cackle, loudly.

  After we’d finished eating, we sat quietly for a while contemplating the fact that I was going to be boarding soon. Ben reached across the table and took my hand in both of his.

  “So…” he looked up at me. “When you get home, where do we go from here?” he asked almost, nervously. I swallowed, hard.

  “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve never done this, Ben, not like this.” I chewed my cheek, and my heart fluttered as his mouth curved into a half smile.

  “Let’s just figure it out then.” He linked his fingers with mine, “I have waited long enough for you, I can’t let you go now. So, when you land back in this airport, I’ll be here, and we can just, figure it out.” Ben leant back in his chair casually, and I mirrored his action, grinning.

  “Deal.” I agreed.

  Ben held my hand as we walked to departures and kissed me like I had never been kissed to say goodbye, slapping my ass as I walked away, just for good measure. I was in! Absolutely, bloody hooked!

  I take a sip of my coffee and realise it’s gone cold; I look at the clock; I’ve been writing for an hour. I turn to look at Ben; he’s still fast asleep. I make myself another coffee, and climb back into bed, I lean down and kiss my husband on the temple, and get back to work.

  Two weeks in Portugal did me the world of good. Ben and I were texting pretty much the whole time, when I wasn’t busy visiting family, shopping with Mum or playing chess with Dad that is.

  We called each other on FaceTime a few times as well. It was so nice to be able to talk to him before I went to bed and just laugh and unwind from the days. I had a great time with my family, as always, but I was so eager to get home and see where this thing was going to go. I knew in my heart that this was something real, but I didn’t want to jinx it by pinning my hopes on it. I’d never done the relationship thing before.

  For the first time in my life, I kept both Rosie and Rafe completely out of the loop. This was just about Ben and me; something that had been on the cards for over a decade was finally starting to become real, and I didn’t want any added pressure. It wasn’t difficult really, they were both too wrapped up in their own love stories to worry about mine, and that suited me just fine.

  Ben wasn’t kidding about being there when I landed. As I walked through arrivals on a particularly cold January morning, I was greeted with the sight of him leaning against the wall in dark jeans and boots, a hoodie, with the hood pulled up and ‘that’ beanie hat. The one he wore when he came to collect me that night, the one that he looks so damn sexy wearing. He was looking down at his feet as I walked through, giving me a moment to just drink him in, before he looked up and spotted me, and gave me a heart-stopping grin. ‘He’s mine’ I thought, and I felt like I had won the bloody lottery.

  “You took your time,” he said sarcastically, and he pushed away from the wall and stepped towards me, oh so casually.

  “Well, I was busy with that sexy Portuguese dude you warned me about,” I replied, tilting my head to the side and raising an eyebrow.

  Ben looked upwards and let out a laugh as he snaked an arm around my waist and pulled my body against his. My breath caught in my throat as he looked into my eyes, a devilish smile etched on his face.

  “Well, that dude is history, you’re mine now.” My heart pounded hard in my chest at his words, and even harder as he pressed his lips against mine, encouraging them apart as his tongue brushed against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and my knees began to weaken.

  “Work it, girl.” Someone said from behind me and I broke our kiss to look. Just in time to see the gay guy that I’d sat next to on the flight wink at me and snap his fingers as he walked past. I had told him on the plane that I was dying to see Ben and showed him a picture of how hot he was, clearly he approved.

  Laughing, Ben smacked my arse and leant down to pick up my bag.

  We headed straight back to Ben’s flat and to the bedroom. For once in my life, I took off my trousers and bra and climbed into bed with a man that I fancied the pants off, and just fell to sleep. It was still early, and we were both exhausted. Ben wrapped an arm around my waist as he spooned me and I had never felt so comfortable.

  I woke with the feeling of Ben’s morning glory poking me in the arse; he was still asleep, and I had to fight the urge to reach around and grab it. Instead, I shuffled away from him and reached for my phone. Ben stirred at the movement and then spoke sleepily from behind me.

  “I poked you in the back didn’t I?”

  I laughed, loudly before turnin
g my head to see him squinting at me through tired eyes.

  “Little bit,” I admitted, “but I don’t mind.” I winked, and then got out of bed and walked towards the door, almost forgetting that I was only wearing my pants and a vest top.

  “Christ, Pip, it’s no wonder he got excited snuggled up to that arse.” Ben said approvingly, and I laughed, playfully smacking my own backside before leaving the room and going to the bathroom.

  We spent the day on the sofa watching films, talking, laughing and play fighting. We ordered pizza and even napped again in the late afternoon, this time at opposite ends of Ben’s massive sofa.

  When it was time to go home, I felt sad. I was going literally, two streets away, and yet I was pouting like a small child that someone had taken a dolly away from.

  “Are you free tomorrow?” Ben asked quietly in between kisses on my doorstep. My parents, having flown home a day earlier than me, were in bed inside, and he was terrified of my dad finding out about us. He was terrified of my dad full stop. Eduardo had always known that Ben wanted me, and he used to try and look menacing every time he saw Ben, warning him away from his sweet, innocent little daughter. He was such a big softie really, but tell that to a thirteen-year-old boy when he stands sharpening knives in front of him, staring him straight in the eyes the whole time.

  “I am. I was supposed to go home tomorrow, but I’ve cancelled a few things, so I’m here for another week.” I smiled at Ben’s wide grin and sank into the embrace that he pulled me into.

  “In that case, let me take you away at the weekend.” He was speaking into my temple, and I was thankful that he couldn’t see my face. I must have looked like a rabbit in headlights, I thought we were taking this slow? “No pressure, just a night in Manchester, so that I can take you to a nice restaurant and for a few drinks and not have to drive home. That’s all.” His last two words made me think he had sensed my confusion on the whole ‘taking it slow’ thing.