Missing Your Smile

by Jerry S. Eicher

  This is discouraging and strange, she thought. Are there no Englisha books worth reading? Her eye caught a display deeper into the store, and she caught her breath. What? Amish people on the covers of books? Rather, they looked somewhat Amish. But how is this possible? No Amish person would stand still for such a picture—especially this close to their faces.

  Picking up a book, she paged through it, reading here and there. It wasn’t that bad, the storyline following an Amish girl’s travails with her boyfriend. Well, they should talk to her about travails with boyfriends. Now that would be a story. But no one would be interested in her life. Apparently though, the Englisha were interested in Amish life—but she sure wasn’t. She had lived it.

  Turning back to the New York Times Bestseller list books, Susan tried again. There had to be something here she could read. She took another book off the shelf. Flipping through the pages, she read here and there, laughed and continued reading. Now this was something a person could read. She read on, skimming through a chapter. It was interesting. Deacon Ray wouldn’t like this either, but it was a gut storyline. A man traveling back and forth in time, ending up somewhere in a strange land without his clothing. Susan laughed again. She checked the price on the back of the cover. It was expensive, but she would buy it.

  Susan walked to the register and paid for the book. This was something to read, at least.

  “Sixteen dollars and fifteen cents,” the man said. Susan jumped. The price had been marked clearly, but it was still a lot of money when said right out loud like that.

  Paying with a twenty, Susan placed the change into her pocket. Soon she would use a purse like the women did, but not tonight. Now, she might as well find a place to sit and read until Laura returned. Her search located a bench in the middle of the press of people, looking like an island in the middle of the sea. Surely Laura would be able to find her here.

  She sat down and opened the book, beginning on the first page this time.

  “Excuse me,” a man’s voice said a few minutes later. “Do you mind if I sit down?”

  “No.” Susan replied, not looking up. She continued to read.

  He cleared his throat, and she looked at him. She stood up. “Mr. Moran! It’s you.”

  “Oh, so you do remember?” He smiled. “Do you still not mind if I sit down?”

  “Of course. I mean, of course not. Why no…I don’t,” she said, the words falling over each other.

  Oh, please, where is Laura! Her mind raced. What am I supposed to say to this man? And what will people think when they see me talking with such a gut-looking Englisha man?

  CHAPTER TEN

  The crowd of people in the mall moved past Susan, ebbing and flowing like the waves of the ocean. Beside her sat Mr. Moran, the Englisha man. Susan couldn’t help but be concerned about who might be watching. But this was not Amish country, and no one knew her. Susan took a deep breath and edged away from him. Hopefully he wouldn’t notice the small movement.

  “So,” Duane said, smiling, “I hear you’re new to Asbury Park. Are you adjusting okay?”

  “Okay, yah. Really gut,” Susan said. What a bumbling, mumbling mess she was making of this. Why had she ever thought an Amish girl could make a go of it in the Englisha world? At least Thomas had been one of her own people—an equal. This man was way up there in the world, almost too high for her to speak with.

  “I guess I should have introduced myself better. I’m Duane Moran,” he said. “And I work in town at H&R Block.”

  Susan nodded. “Laura told me.”

  “Oh,” Duane said. “But I guess I’m not surprised. Did Laura tell you I called today?”

  “She did.” Susan kept her eyes on her shopping bag.

  “I know Laura from way back,” he said. “I’m not surprised she mentioned my call. I guess I should have spoken with you myself this morning. It seemed easier this way.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she said. Whatever that means, she thought. Now she was having a hard time breathing with him so close and smelling of leathery cologne. The light scent hung in the air. Thomas wore cologne at times, but he never smelled like this.

  “You come from Indiana, Laura said.”

  “Out in the country.” Susan caught her breath. “We live close to Salem. That’s our only nearby town. We go there for grocery shopping and some of the small things.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with living in the country,” he said. “I was raised in the city, but the country’s great. I don’t get out of town often enough to suit me.”

  “Really?” she glanced at his face.

  “Sure,” he said. “The country’s where the hardworking people live. Do your folks still live in Indiana?”

  Susan laughed. “Yes, and they always will, believe me.”

  “Sort of have their roots down, then.”

  “You could say so.”

  He sure didn’t know much about Amish people. They put down roots while still in their mothers’ wombs. And woe to the man or woman who tried to pull them up.

  “Salt of the earth types then, working hard all their lives.” He rubbed his hands together.

  Did she dare ask him a question? Yes, she’d venture it. “Do you ever work outdoors?”

  “Me?” he looked at her and chuckled.

  She glanced away. “I just wondered, that’s all. I know it’s none of my business.”

  “No, I’m afraid not. I do most of my work sitting at a desk.”

  “Oh,” Susan looked at the floor this time.

  “Do you like the book?” He motioned with his chin toward the book she had lain on the bench.

  “So far it’s a little strange but interesting. Expensive, that’s for sure.”

  He laughed. “Certainly not country prices at this mall.”

  “No,” was all she could think to say.

  After a silent pause, he stood up and said, “Well, I have to get going. It was good to run into you. I hope you enjoy the book. I certainly did. Tell Laura hello for me.”

  “I will.” Susan stood.

  He smiled and disappeared into the flow of the people. She caught a glimpse of him going past the bookstore before she sat down again. Laura would be back soon, and being caught staring after an Englisha man would have looked quite ridiculous.

  Susan opened the book, but the words were a blur as her mind ran over the encounter again and again. How had she handled herself? He hadn’t spoken to her as if she were a country hick. He said he liked the country, but that could mean anything. What had he thought of her? That was a horrible thing to even consider. She shouldn’t be concerned about what an Englisha man thought of her.

  Susan stood again and paced the floor in front of the bench. Thoughts of Duane kept running through her mind. What a clean face he had. He looked like he lived a healthy, wholesome life. Thomas had looked wholesome too, but what gut did that do?

  “Oh!” Susan exclaimed and jumped when Laura appeared out of the crowd in front of her.

  “Sorry it took so long.” Laura said, looking flustered. “But I see you found something to read.”

  “Yah, I bought a book. And I think I’ll like it.”

  “Let’s go then. It’s going to be late enough by the time we get back.” Laura led the way toward the mall entrance.

  Susan followed, trying to keep up. Laura seemed in a hurry, taking huge steps. Shouldn’t I say something about Duane, Susan wondered. If I don’t now, it will be harder later. But the words were sticking to her throat. “Mr. Moran stopped by for a few minutes while I was waiting for you. He said to say hi,” she finally got out.

  A faint smile formed on Laura’s face. “I thought he might. Well, he’s a good man, let me assure you of that.”

  They reached the car. Laura unlocked the door with a burp of the key fob and climbed in. “I’m glad Duane stopped by to speak with you,” Laura said as Susan climbed in and Laura pulled out of the parking lot.

  Susan smiled. What else was there to do? Smiling cov
ered most of the bases in Amish country.

  “I don’t know about your prospects at home,” Laura was saying, “but a girl like you surely had plenty of chances. I can’t imagine the Amish boys leaving you alone. So you might not be looking for a new relationship, but if you are, don’t throw Duane’s interest away too quickly. Maybe he’s a shock to you, since you haven’t been around our kind much, but Duane’s a nice man.”

  “I…I didn’t know he was interested in me.”

  “Oh!” Laura said with a short laugh. “I didn’t mean to imply that exactly, but I’m a woman, and, well—a mother. And I just sort of have a feeling about things like this.”

  “I think I’d be a little below his world,” Susan said.

  “You’re on his level, don’t worry about that. But like I said, I don’t profess to be a matchmaker. But I want to help out where I can.”

  Susan cleared her throat. “I think we’ll just forget about Mr. Moran for now. But what can you tell me about schooling? I’m thinking I should look into getting—what did you call it?”

  “Oh, of course,” Laura said. “Your G-E-D. That’s what people get when they haven’t completed high school and are too old to go back.”

  “That would be me.”

  “I didn’t mean to make you sound old,” Laura said.

  “I am old!” Susan laughed. Old enough to be cast aside, forgotten, broken to pieces, counted unworthy of love, and all sorts of things like that. All of which came from Thomas, the heartbreaker who is probably smiling into Eunice’s eyes right now.

  “Are you okay?” Laura glanced at Susan’s face for a brief moment. “I didn’t mean anything by that remark.”

  “I know.” Susan forced a smile. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”

  “You are a very beautiful girl, Susan. Remember that. No matter what anyone says.”

  “You don’t have to be so nice.” Susan pulled out her handkerchief. Now why did she have to go crying all of a sudden?

  “Don’t worry about Duane. I’ll take you up to the community college sometime soon,” Laura said, reaching over to pat her hand. “They have practice test papers you can get to help you prepare for the GED. You’ll find out what lessons you’re weak on, and you can study those. What do you say to that?”

  “I think that would be a gut idea.” Susan put her handkerchief away. Crying time was over now. They were almost back at the apartment, and life moved on. Isn’t that what everyone says?

  Laura slowed the car and pulled up to the curb. Susan grabbed her two bags and stepped out. “Thanks for taking me. It means a lot.”

  “I enjoyed it,” Laura said. “Now, remember to lock up extra careful. Are you using the deadbolt and the chain?”

  “Yes,” Susan said, her hand on the car door. “But Da Hah will watch over me.”

  “I’m sure He will, dear, but lock the doors anyway. Okay?”

  “Okay.” Susan stepped back from the curb and watched Laura take off down Main Street.

  She found her key, unlocked the apartment door, entered, and carefully relocked the door on the inside. She went slowly up the creaky steps, their soft sounds soothing her spirit. What are Mamm and Daett doing tonight? Probably still sitting on their rockers in the living room. I really should write them a letter. Not everything she was doing could be said of course, but enough so they might not worry as much.

  At the top of the stairs Susan reached for the light switch. With a flip of her wrist she flooded the room in light and a smile crossed her face. This was much better than a kerosene lamp. One could see everything as clear as daylight. She was moving into the Englisha world.

  Glancing at the clock, Susan walked over to the desk. It was time for bed, but there was still time to write a letter if she hurried. Opening the drawer she found paper and pen and sat down at the kitchen table.

  “Dear Mamm and Daett,” she began, the pen moving firmly across the page. Then the thoughts stopped. Something is wrong. She stopped writing and looked around the room, pondering what it could be. With a sigh, she got to her feet and retrieved the kerosene lamp from the bedroom. She found a match and lit the wick. Leaving the lamp on the kitchen table she walked over and turned off the electric light. That ought to be better, she thought, sitting down again. The room glowed in the soft, flickering light of the kerosene lamp. Becoming Englisha would have to wait.

  She picked up the pen and continued.

  I’m doing as well as can be expected. The bakery is really busy even as winter approaches. I think winter comes a little earlier here than in Indiana—at least from how the air feels. The Oyster Festival the city has each year is over, and I got to meet some Amish people. Can you believe that? I don’t know who they were, and I didn’t introduce myself. It would have taken too much explaining.

  I’m so sorry for the hurt my move has probably caused you. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone at all, and I hope you understand. Mamm, you have always been so good about understanding things, as has Daett.

  Laura and I made a trip to the mall tonight. I purchased a purse and a book. I think I’ll like both of them. I’m planning some other things also—small little moves I can make to get settled in here.

  Well, it’s past my bedtime, and I must get my sleep. Take care all of you.

  Tell everyone hi for me, and I haven’t forgotten about any of you.

  Laura is a very sweet lady and is taking good care of me.

  Yours truly, Susan

  She folded the paper and left it on the kitchen table. There would be time to address an envelope and seal it tomorrow. For now, she needed sleep. She checked down the stairs one last time to make sure things were the way Laura wanted them to be. The door was securely locked. Beyond that all she needed to do was pray, which would help more than anything else.

  She knelt beside her bed and prayed softly,

  Dear Da Hah, I’m so sorry for all my sins and faults. I know Mamm and Daett are very disappointed in me, and I am often disappointed in myself. Please help me, and I will trust that You understand.

  You know how I feel about Thomas, and that I am still bitter. Please keep me safe in this big city. And thank You for Laura and Robby. They are very wonderful people. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

  Susan changed into her bedclothes, climbed into bed, and blew out the kerosene lamp. The apartment settled into darkness, only the glow of the streetlamps visible behind the shades. It wasn’t quiet in the city like the farm, but she had almost gotten used to the sounds. Thankfully Da Hah was taking care of her, just as He took care of the community at home. She had to believe that or all was lost.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The morning was starting slow. Susan waited behind the counter, having served only two customers since the bakery had opened fifteen minutes earlier. She was just about to check the cinnamon bread baking in the back when the door opened quietly and a familiar young girl walked in. Where have I seen this young woman before? Susan wondered. “Good morning,” she said.

  “Morning,” the woman mumbled, opening her coat and reaching inside.

  Recognition crossed Susan’s face. This was the pregnant girl who had studied her so carefully a few days ago.

  “I’ll take a small coffee,” the girl said, pulling a handful of change from her pocket.

  Hadn’t she ordered a small coffee the time before? Would she sit around today and watch me again? Not that it bothers me, but the girl does look troubled.

  Laura was in the back office, so Susan rang up the purchase. “Can I help you with the coffee to the table?” Susan asked.

  “No, I’m fine,” the girl said, her eyes sad. And then she added, “Are you Amish, ma’am?”

  “Oh!” Susan jumped. Do I still look so Amish? “I used to be. I left the Amish recently.”

  “I see,” the girl said. “The Amish are nice people.”

  “We try to be.” Susan offered her a smile. “How is the baby coming along?”

  The girl’s faced darkened, and Susan w
ished she hadn’t asked.

  “I’m having many troubled thoughts about the baby,” the girl said. “It’s hard, you know.”

  “I can imagine,” Susan said. She wasn’t quite sure what the girl meant, but carrying a baby had to be difficult. It was hard sometimes even at home when the women were surrounded by the community. How much harder would it be in the Englisha world?

  “I’m trying to find someone to take the baby,” the girl said. “I can’t care for him myself. My mom doesn’t think I know what I’m doing.”

  “Oh!” Susan gasped. “That would be hard. Have you found someone yet?”

  “No.” The girl shook her head. Then she looked up at Susan with a wide-eyed stare. “I’m still praying hard about it.”

  “That’s gut,” Susan agreed. At least the girl believes in Da Hah.

  “Well, thank you again,” the girl said. She gave Susan a weak smile before turning to walk out the door.

  So today she isn’t staying to watch me. That’s just as well. But there is something about that girl. What is it? Susan watched the girl’s form go past the window. Seeing the girl again made Susan wonder if today might be the day Mr. Moran would visit the bakery again. She had watched for him the past few days, expecting he would come in. But he hadn’t. Is he like the rest of them? Like Thomas? A charming fellow who tempts girls with his attention and then disappears like the morning mist off a pond? Those kinds of boys are like ducks who take to the air, leaving only water droplets falling from the sky. Painful droplets that turn into tears.

  “Seems kind of slack around here,” Laura said, poking her head out of her office. “If too many people show up at once, let me know.” She smiled and disappeared again.

  Susan stared at the empty tables and chairs. What would her mamm and daett be doing today? Daett still worked all day in the fields. This morning he would be outside doing the fall plowing. He really shouldn’t be doing the heavy work anymore. He was way too old—well past the age when even Amish men were supposed to slow down.

  Maybe if she had pushed Thomas to be married this year instead of next this breakup wouldn’t have happened. But then if the kiss had still happened, how awful that would have been.