Missing Your Smile

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “You’ll buy it anyway, won’t you?” Laura encouraged.

  Susan nodded. This bridge needed to be crossed sometime. Why not now?

  She carried the items to the checkout counter and paid for them. She watched as the clerk bagged the clothes.

  “They’re mine!” she whispered to Laura, who was standing close to her. “And they are so Englisha.”

  Laura squeezed her hand. “I’m glad I could share in your special moment. I do declare you’re becoming like a daughter to me.”

  “Thank you.” Susan picked up the bags and followed Laura out to the car.

  On the way back Susan said, “I wanted to ask you about how I should prepare for my GED test. The lady at the college said I could either study online or take night classes. Either way has its drawbacks, I suppose.”

  “What do you want to do?” Laura asked. “Would you be more comfortable taking the night classes?”

  “Maybe. But someone would have to drive me there and back. Would it be too much of a bother to use your computer in the bakery? That is, if I can learn how. Robby said it would be easy.”

  “Don’t believe everything Robby tells you.” Laura laughed. “But you are welcome to use the computer. We have a good internet connection.”

  “Then that’s what I’ll do,” Susan decided just as they arrived at the bakery.

  Laura parked the car. As they got out, she asked, “Susan, you’re still being careful at night, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. Is there still danger? They found those women, didn’t they?”

  “They did, but not alive, I’m sorry to say. And they haven’t caught the person who hurt them yet,” Laura said.

  Susan shivered. “I’ll be careful, and I’ll pray really hard.”

  “If there are any more attacks, you are coming to live at our place—no questions asked.”

  “Let’s hope there won’t be,” Susan said. “Goodnight—and thank you again!” She closed the car door, and Laura took off. Finding the key in her purse, she opened the apartment door, making sure the lock was turned in place behind her. The city could be a scary place with all the streetlights and noise. Yet it was hard to imagine anything happening here in her safe haven.

  Susan waited to throw the switch at the top of the stairs, pausing to look around as light flooded the room. There would be no kerosene lamps tonight—and perhaps never again. Before long she would be using the computer in Laura’s office. She was moving into the Englisha world, and that was as it should be.

  Opening her closet she hung up the new clothes, stepping back to admire them. What will it be like wearing one in public? Will people stare? Probably not. They wouldn’t know that underneath all that finery is a hard-beating Amish girl’s heart. Susan sighed, closed the closet door, and walked into the kitchen to prepare supper. It had been an exhausting day, and sleep would be very sweet tonight. Almost as sweet as sleeping upstairs in the old farmhouse with the windows open to the field breezes.

  Stop it! she ordered. You are becoming an Englisha girl now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Thomas held his horse by the reins as the two buggies beside him took off from Deacon Ray’s dark barnyard.

  Where is Eunice? The singing had been over for ten minutes, and his instructions had been plain. Come out right away. I’ll be parked next to your brother’s buggy. Eunice’s brother was gone now, and still the girl hadn’t come. Soon there would be questions asked about why he was sitting here waiting. His sisters would usually be picked up at the end of the walk, so that wouldn’t suffice as an explanation.

  Freddy shook his head, for once pulling against the reins. He might be slow on the road, but standing still while the other horses took off was apparently a humiliation even he was unable to bear.

  Across the dark open space beside him another dim buggy light came on. A boy, his features shadowed by his hat, held up his buggy shafts. He swung his horse under them with a quick movement of his hands.

  Thomas sighed. Does Eunice plan to make me drive to the front walks? Perhaps forcing me to show my hand for all to see? Coming from her this is entirely possible, he thought. Susan would never do this, but Eunice obviously isn’t Susan.

  A woman’s form dashed out of the shadows, a hand clutching bonnet strings. His dim buggy lights caught the color of her dress—a light, dusty blue. How like Eunice, he thought. She would wear a flashy dress on the night I’m taking her home. Come to think of it, Eunice usually wears flashy dresses. At least all she could fit into the Ordnung.

  Thomas turned his buggy wheels to the right. The least he could do was be polite. It would be a pleasant evening spending time with Eunice. That is, if his expectations were correct.

  “Good evening!” Eunice said, pulling herself up the buggy steps. She sat down beside him, her dress brushing against his legs. “Sorry I’m late. Barbara and I got to talking, and time slipped away.”

  “That’s okay,” he said, letting out the reins. Freddy took off with a jerk, pulling the front buggy wheels sideways on the gravel.

  “Wow!” Eunice said, her voice rising. “What a horse. I didn’t know you had such a go-getter.”

  “He’s nothing special,” Thomas said. The girl might as well get her thinking straight from the first. “He just got a little anxious waiting while the other horses took off.”

  “Now, Thomas, you don’t have to be modest around me,” Eunice said. “Really. I just saw what I saw with my own eyes. My guess is your horse can pass most of the ones on the road.”

  Thomas didn’t say anything for a long moment. He finally managed to get some words out. “I’m afraid not. Freddy is quite a slowpoke.”

  “Oh, no,” she said, groaning. “I thought I was going to get a fast ride tonight. My brother Nelson’s horse can barely lift its feet most nights going home from the singing.”

  “I’m afraid my horse is no faster than your brother’s,” Thomas said, not looking at her.

  “You’re still teasing me, aren’t you?” Eunice asked. “Didn’t someone say you had the fastest horse in the community?”

  “No. I don’t know anyone who would say something like that,” Thomas asserted. “Deacon Ray’s boy—James. He has a fast horse.”

  “Well, I sure thought I heard you did. But it doesn’t matter,” Eunice assured him. “Don’t worry. Someday I’m going to ride in a buggy with a really fast horse pulling it. We’ll pass everyone on the road and then some. But I’m sure you know all about that. You probably had a fast horse before this one.”

  “I didn’t ever have a fast horse.” Thomas slapped the reins.

  “Oh,” Eunice said. “I’m sorry. I was sure you did.”

  “It’s okay,” Thomas said. “Our family is not the best situated when it comes to money.”

  Eunice sighed and leaned against his shoulder. “Nor is our family, with all the moving around we do. I told Daett we have to stop it sometime or he won’t even be able to afford our weddings.”

  “I thought this was the first community you’d moved to,” Thomas said.

  “Acht no!” she exclaimed. “Daett moved twice while I was still in school. But I guess we made it all right. At least I think we’re still normal.”

  Thomas laughed. “You look normal enough to me.”

  “That’s gut,” she said. “I’m glad you think I’m normal.”

  She had her head turned now and was smiling up at him.

  He slapped the reins again, but it was a hopeless cause. Freddy had no speed, even for a few steps. They lumbered through the darkness, the minutes passing.

  Eunice ignored Freddy’s slow progress. She told Thomas about the past week’s happenings on their farm. He didn’t say much until he reached her daett’s driveway, pulling to a stop by the barn.

  “I think I’ll tie up instead of unhitching the buggy,” he said.

  “But you’re staying for a while, surely?” she asked, obviously alarmed.

  “Yah, if you want me to,” he said, climbing do
wn.

  “Of course I do.” She climbed down and waited in the shadows as he tied the horse.

  Taking his arm, they walked to the house.

  It’s nice the way Eunice is hanging on my arm. Susan never did this, Thomas thought. Certainly not on her first time home with me. But that was a long time ago. Pausing, Thomas tilted his hat back to look at the sky. The stars were out in all their glory, with no sign of the moon anywhere. His sudden pause caused Eunice to trip, falling forward, breaking her fall by putting her free hand on the ground.

  “I’m so sorry!” Thomas said, giving her a hand up. “I should have warned you I was stopping.”

  “That’s okay,” she said. “Do you often look up unexpectedly?”

  “Sometimes.” He laughed. “It seems like there’s more time to look up at the stars on Sunday nights.”

  “That’s funny,” she said. “There’s the same amount of time on Sunday as on every other day.”

  He resumed his walk. Why can’t the girl be quiet for even two seconds? Susan wouldn’t ask questions like this or make a strange comment. And she wouldn’t be surprised by my stopping to look at the stars on a Sunday night.

  Eunice took his arm again and looked up at his face. “You’re quite the romantic, aren’t you? Looking at the stars on Sunday nights. Is that the real you? Or is that just for show?” She held open the front door for him, while he stepped inside and took off his hat.

  “I’m not sure,” he finally answered.

  She held up her finger. “Hush now,” she whispered. “Mamm and Daett are already in bed, and we have the living room to ourselves. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  “Yah, I guess,” he said, sitting on the couch.

  “I’ll be back in a minute.” She disappeared into the kitchen. He stared at the walls. Things looked different tonight in the low light of the kerosene lamp. Unfamiliar…almost as if he’d never been here. He pushed thoughts of Susan from his mind. He would soon become used to this place, just as he had Menno and Anna’s home.

  Minutes later Eunice bustled out of the kitchen bringing a plate of cookies. Setting them on the floor in front of the couch, she nestled up against him.

  “What kind are they?” he asked, leaning forward to take one.

  “Chocolate chip. Do you like chocolate chip?”

  “Yah, I can eat them well enough,” he said.

  “What kind did Susan make for you on Sunday nights?” she asked.

  “Perhaps we shouldn’t speak of Susan,” he suggested.

  “I don’t think she’d mind, really,” she said. “Isn’t it over between the two of you?”

  “Yah, I guess so,” he said. “She’s not here anyway.”

  Eunice shrugged. “Then let’s talk about us, shall we? If you don’t like conversation about Susan. Tell me about what you do. Doesn’t your daett have a shop of some kind?”

  “We have a cabinet shop,” he said.

  “You don’t sound too excited about your work.”

  “I’m not,” he said. “Most of our people are farmers, are they not?”

  “That doesn’t mean you have to be. I think a cabinetmaker is perfectly wonderful. You’re probably very gut at it, aren’t you?”

  “Daett thinks so,” he said. “But we only work for the local people.”

  “Then see, there you go. Your daett knows what you’re gut at, and you make enough for a decent living.”

  “We could make more if we worked for people in the big cities,” he said. “But Daett won’t go after that business. I don’t understand why. I think Amish cabinets would sell well in Louisville or even Indianapolis.”

  “Whoa…you do have your eyes set on the stars,” she said, leaning forward to take a cookie from the plate and then passing it to him. “Here, you haven’t had your second one yet. Is there something wrong with my cookies? I made them especially for you. It took an awful lot of doing to keep the boys away from them—not to mention the girls. You ought to feel really special.”

  “I like your cookies,” he said, taking a bite. “But back to what we were saying. I’d still be making cabinets—even if we’d just sell to Indianapolis.”

  “I’m sure you would,” she said. “So do you really like my cookies?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with your cookies, really. They are perfect. As gut as Mamm’s. I was talking about making cabinets though.”

  “I’m sure you’re a gut cabinetmaker, even if I’ve never seen any you’ve made. You look like one to me, so I’m perfectly happy with what you are.”

  “I guess I ought to be happy with the ways things are.” He looked out the window at the dark sky with its bright sweep of stars.

  “Yah, I think we ought to be happy with the way we’re made,” she offered. “Isn’t that what our people believe? Look at us as an example. I never thought the day would come when you would ask to bring me home. But for whatever reason, the day arrived! Should we not be happy with that?”

  She moved closer, leaning toward him.

  Getting up to walk over to the window, he didn’t answer.

  Moments later soft footsteps followed him on the hardwood floor. Her hand took his arm again. Her face brushed his.

  “Did I say something wrong, Thomas? I’m sorry if I did. And I’m sorry about Susan. But we can’t change that, can we?”

  “I don’t know,” he said.

  “She gone, Thomas. No one goes out to the Englisha world like she has and comes back. You know that, don’t you?”

  He said nothing, tracing the heavens with his eyes.

  “It’s true, Thomas,” she insisted. “And you should stop dreaming about it. And what if Susan does come back? Can you imagine the trouble she will bring with her?”

  “Do you know something I don’t?” He turned to face her.

  “Nee, but I’m not stupid, Thomas. I know what goes on out there in the world. It’s hard enough to live a life of holiness here without going somewhere without any rules to live by.”

  “How do you know Susan is living a wild life?” he demanded.

  “You don’t have to think too hard to know that,” she said. “But you should stop thinking about her. I’m here now, and I’m very happy to be with you.”

  “What if I can’t?” he asked.

  She stroked his face, the touch of her fingers soft on his skin. “I was afraid your mind was still troubled. The memory of her might not go away quickly. You were together for so long.”

  “I know.” He turned back to the window.

  “You and Susan weren’t meant to be, Thomas. Can’t you see that?”

  “I thought we were meant to be,” he said.

  “But she obviously didn’t, Thomas. Now come back to the couch. I’m tired of standing by this window.”

  “I think it’s time for me to go,” he said. “We have a full day’s work ahead of us tomorrow. And Daett is pushing with an extra order of cabinets he wants to get out.”

  “You will come back soon?” Her fingers traced his face again.

  “I really don’t know, Eunice. It’s very confusing right now.”

  “Then I won’t hold it against you, Thomas. Perhaps you need more time to heal.”

  “I really need to go,” he said, opening the front door.

  “I’ll see you later then.” She followed him out onto the porch.

  “I don’t think so, Eunice,” he said. “We shouldn’t make any more plans.”

  “Susan’s not coming back, Thomas.” Her voice lingered in the night air as he crossed the lawn. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

  He untied Freddy and climbed into the buggy. He didn’t turn on his buggy lights until he reached the main road.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Susan held the gray polka dot dress up to the light. Yah, she would wear the dress today. Her first time to actually wear an Englisha dress, and there would be no guilt feelings allowed. Was not Da Hah smiling on her, letting her know the guilt had been foolishness all along…those though
ts of Englisha this, and Englisha that? Mamm and Daett were wise people, but perhaps they weren’t right about everything. And Thomas, well, he was obviously wrong about a lot of things.

  Tonight she would go on her date with Mr. Moran at the Italian Restaurant on Asbury Avenue. What does an Italian restaurant look like? she wondered. Fancy, no doubt, and I, Susan Hostetler, am going to eat there! Who would have thought such a thing possible only a short time ago? Certainly not Thomas. But what does he know? He was swept off his feet by Eunice.

  Susan glanced at the study booklets on the kitchen table. She had begun her studies last night after the bakery had closed. So far so good. She could do this. She turned off the apartment light and made her way down the creaky stairs. Outside, she locked the apartment door behind her, ducking under the awning over the bakery door. The lights were already on, so Laura had to have risen even earlier than the Amish did, considering her thirty-minute commute into town.

  “Good morning,” Susan said as she entered and closed the door behind her.

  “Good morning!” Laura turned around to look at her, raising her eyebrows at the sight of Susan in her new dress. “My, aren’t we looking sharp this morning! Turn this way—under the light. Yes, you did make a good choice. It’s a nice fit for your figure.”

  “Don’t say that.” Susan laughed. “Dresses aren’t supposed to show your figure.”

  “Within limits, I’d agree,” Laura said. “But you’re not Amish anymore.”

  “I hope it’s not sinful,” Susan said. There are those awful guilt feelings trying to make me miserable again.

  “I wouldn’t worry about it, dear,” Laura said. “If it’s out of line, I’ll be the first to tell you. I’d say you have a long way to go before that time. Your dress is very beautiful. Now cover it with a big, long apron so it stays clean.”

  “Thanks.” Susan took a deep breath. Laura liked her dress!

  The two women worked side by side, baking rolls and cookies and serving the first customers long before the streetlights blinked off outside. In the break after the first rush, Laura grabbed a cup of coffee and motioned for Susan to do the same. “Take a quick breather,” Laura said, “before someone else comes in.”