Missing Your Smile

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Teresa said. “This is all we have.”

  “I won’t,” Susan said. “And you are pretty! Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.” Teresa is good-looking enough, Susan thought. Sure, she looks worn and weary, but that is understandable considering her circumstances.

  Teresa smiled. “That’s nice of you to say, but like I said, you’re not from my world.” She led the way across the yard and pushed open the rickety front door. A set of stairs led upward, and Teresa took them one step at a time.

  The stairs didn’t squeak much, considering how ratty there were. Wood pieces were broken out of the steps and the edges were worn thin by years of use.

  Arriving at the top of the steps, Susan paused to take in her surroundings. Everything was fairly clean, but the furniture was old. What passed for a kitchen area was a single sink with a dripping faucet. The refrigerator front was rusty with great slabs of paint pulled off the door. A hall led out of the room, and she could see curtains covering two doorways. One was probably a bathroom.

  “You really live here?” Susan asked. Why did I ask such a mean question? Susan thought belatedly. I sound so harsh.

  “Thankfully we have power and water,” Teresa said, not seeming to be offended. “That’s a lot to be thankful for! Charlie got things hooked up somehow from the place below. Back when he was still being nice to me. Don’t ask me how though. He just did it. Mom pays a little to the landlord, and we try to keep things toned down. We don’t turn on the lights much—just these dim lamps Mom got at Goodwill. Nobody else wanted them, I guess.”

  “Lamps?” Susan asked as she walked over to the kitchen table. Around the edges of the table the veneer had worn off. No self-respecting Amish would have anything like this anywhere near their house. Perhaps in the barn, but not inside the house. But Teresa can’t help it, and she would feel worse if she knew my thoughts, Susan decided.

  “The lamps?” Teresa had a puzzled look on her face.

  “Oh.” Susan refocused. “Yah, well, these look a little like Amish lamps. I have one in my apartment.”

  “You do?” Teresa was beaming.

  Susan nodded. It was gut to see joy filling Teresa’s face.

  “Then God has already been working in my life,” Teresa said. “We have Amish lamps in the house, and I didn’t even know it. I’m so thrilled.”

  “I’m glad you like them,” Susan said.

  Teresa glanced down the stairs when a door slammed below them.

  Susan jumped.

  “It’s Mom,” Teresa whispered. “She’s home.”

  “Are you sure?” Susan asked. The footsteps coming up the stairs sounded awfully heavy for a woman. But when she glanced down she saw a middle-aged woman appear carrying a single grocery bag.

  “Hello,” the woman said warily when she reached the top of the stairs.

  Susan nodded as Teresa said, “Mom, this is Susan. Susan, please met my mom, Maurice.”

  “Hello, Maurice,” Susan said.

  “Susan is Amish,” Teresa said. “She’s the woman I’ve been telling you about. And Susan’s going to take my baby to Amish country. Just think about it, Mom! He’s going to grow up to be a real honest Amish man. And I might even get to see him someday—when he’s big and all grown up.”

  “Teresa always has her head in the clouds,” Maurice said to Susan.

  “Mom, I really want this for my baby!” Teresa exclaimed.

  Maurice set the bag on the table. “Whew! That bag doesn’t have much in it, but it’s heavy after the walk from the store.”

  “We don’t have much money for groceries,” Teresa explained.

  “And food stamps don’t go as far as you think,” Maurice said.

  “Does the government help out with this place?” Susan asked.

  “Yes, but you can see what it gets us. The landlord manages to keep the inspector away somehow. If this place was up to code, we couldn’t afford it.”

  “That’s why I have to get a better life for my child,” Teresa said.

  “Her boyfriend, Charlie, wants the child gone,” Maurice said. “But Teresa won’t do that.”

  “Abortion is murder,” Susan said. “Teresa understands that.”

  “Those words don’t go over well in this part of town,” Maurice said. “Look at us, at where we live. The law says abortion is a woman’s choice. That’s good enough for me. Besides, I’m not the one who went and got pregnant.”

  “Mom!” Teresa said. “Don’t talk like that. You had me.”

  “I know, dear. And I’m not sorry I kept you! That was a good choice I made. One of the few.”

  “We’d like to help in some way,” Susan said. “My boss, Laura, and I. That’s why I came over…to see what we could do to help Teresa.”

  Maurice laughed. “So you really are an Amish woman? I don’t know that I ever met one before. Not in this neighborhood!”

  “I was Amish. I’m joining the Englisha world right now.”

  “She has contact yet with her folks back home though,” Teresa said. “She can find an Amish couple for me.”

  “Is this true?” Maurice asked. “That you still have contact. I mean, don’t they shun you if you leave? Isn’t that the word the TV used—‘shun’?”

  “No, I’m not in the ban.”

  “Well, then,” Maurice said, a smile spreading across her face. “I must say I’m surprised by my daughter. I never really thought she’d find an Amish person to take her child. I’m sure not going to raise another child in this place—or in any other place. And Teresa doesn’t want the government’s Child and Family Services involved, so that left us in a bit of a pickle.”

  “Mom,” Teresa said, “I’ve been telling Susan all about me.”

  Maurice ignored her. “Ever since Teresa saw the thing they did on TV about the Amish, she can’t get enough about the Amish. She’ll stay up all hours of the night for a chance to watch that movie…what’s it called? Oh yes—Witness. And what was the other one? For Richer or Poorer. Oh, I did get all misty at the end of that Harrison Ford one. How they all gathered around at the end to protect each other. Yes, that did make me cry a little.”

  “But…” Susan took a deep breath. “I can’t promise anything. I know what Teresa asked me to do, but I can’t take the child myself. I don’t know about adoption. The Amish don’t adopt many children. They usually have plenty of their own.”

  “Why are you here if you’re not taking the child?” Maurice asked.

  “Trust me, Mom,” Teresa said. “Susan is going to find my boy a home.”

  Susan cleared her throat. She needed to speak up now. If she didn’t, this moment would come back to haunt her. Teresa obviously wouldn’t listen to her denials, but Maurice likely would. Things would have to be made clear.

  Facing both women, Susan said, “As I said, Laura and I want to help. But adoption is beyond my ability to promise. I can’t say that will happen. I’m sorry.”

  “Did you hear that, Teresa?” Maurice looked at her daughter.

  “Mom, please! She is going to help me!” Teresa insisted.

  Maurice softened her voice and said, “Listen, honey. I don’t want to see you hurt and disappointed again. You have to face facts. You can’t live on false hopes like this. That’s what you did with Charlie. You thought he’d marry you, and you and he would be happy ever after. But it just doesn’t happen that way in real life. That’s something I know a bit about. The fact you have to face is that I cannot and will not raise your child. I’ve humored you about this because I’ve never seen you want something so bad. But if this Amish woman can’t promise an Amish home for your child, then you’re going straight down to that pregnancy center to see if they will help you arrange an adoption here.”

  “Mom, I can’t. Please! He is my child, and I can’t do that to him. I don’t want him growing up in the world I live in.”

  “He won’t be in your world, child,” Maurice said. “They can find a nice, upright h
ome. Or you can still let Charlie arrange the…”

  “No!” Teresa said. “I will not kill my son!”

  “Listen to me. With your child gone, Charlie will come back to you. Think what that would be like. He’d hold you in his arms again and love you. We’d have a real man in the house again. And maybe you could marry him someday, Teresa.”

  “He wants to kill our boy,” Teresa screamed. “How can I love such a man?”

  “By coming to your senses, that’s how!” Maurice said. “Jerk yourself out of that dream world of yours! Either arrange for an adoption or end the pregnancy. There are no other choices. And you need to decide now. I know you. Once that baby pops out, I know you won’t want to give him up. So you’re either going to let Charlie handle this or you’re going to put this child up for adoption locally. This Amish thing is a pipe dream of yours that’s obviously not going to happen.”

  Teresa collapsed into a chair, her arms spread across the table. She sobbed onto the dirty tabletop.

  Susan tried to move, but everything felt frozen in place. She shouldn’t even be here. She had absolutely no business being in this place. So how had this happened? How in the world could she ever do what Teresa wanted her to do? That was expecting way too much.

  Seeing her daughter’s pain, Maurice went over and wrapped her arms around Teresa. “You’re such a dreamer, my little darling. You know I love you, but this has gone on long enough. The world is what it is, and we can’t make it anything else. All this talk about God and how He helps people. It’s good talk. I’ve played along with you because I hoped too, I guess. I hoped that maybe God would hear you and give you what you really want. But, sweetheart, it’s not happening. It’s just not.”

  Both women were in tears, and Susan found herself also unable to hold her emotions in check. Through her own tears, she heard herself say, “I’ll do it.”

  Maurice went silent, turning to study her.

  Teresa didn’t move.

  “You will take the child?” Maurice asked.

  “I will write home,” Susan said. “I will tell them Teresa’s story, and they will ask around. That’s all I can promise.”

  “So what do you think, Teresa?” Maurice asked. “Is that good enough for you?”

  Teresa’s shoulders shook, but she made no sound.

  “That’s good enough for now,” Maurice said moments later. “The baby isn’t due yet. Why don’t you see if God will answer my little girl’s request? If the way she prays is any indication, that letter will be answered right back with good news.”

  “Okay.” Susan swallowed hard, feeling the burden of her promise. The whole situation now lay on her shoulders, heavier than a hamper full of wash. Why had she ever thought herself capable of coming here to help? It had seemed so simple, so right, back at the bakery. And now she had promised to write a letter home with a very strange request.

  “Is that okay with you, honey?” Maurice asked, running her fingers through Teresa’s hair.

  Teresa nodded, her head still buried in her arms.

  “Do you need any other help with the care of the child?” Susan asked, taking a deep breath. “That is why I came over in the first place. Teresa needs to see a doctor again, I’m sure, and Laura is willing to arrange it and pay for it. Is that okay?”

  “Is that okay, honey?” Maurice asked.

  Teresa’s head moved up and down again.

  “Anytime then,” Maurice said, answering before Susan asked. “God knows we’re not going anywhere.”

  “I’ll go now,” Susan said. “I’ll let you know what Laura can arrange.”

  She left quietly as both mother and daughter embraced. The stairs were silent on the way down. Susan paused outside to make sure she could find this place again. She whispered the number above the door under her breath and then found her way back to the bakery.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Susan entered the bakery to find the lunch line forming.

  “It took longer than I expected,” Susan whispered, slipping behind the counter.

  “Don’t forget your apron,” Laura said.

  “Right. I almost forgot.” Susan looked down at the still unusual sight of polka dots down the front of her dress. She grabbed an apron and thoroughly washed and dried her hands before returning to the counter.

  The next two hours both women worked steadily as customers came in for a simple lunch snack of their favorite pastries and coffee. As soon as one party left, Laura or Susan had to hurry out to bus the table for the next set of customers wanting a table.

  Finally, just after two thirty, the rush died down.

  Susan sat catching her breath as Laura poured two cups of coffee.

  “We need a break!” Laura announced. “And we’d better take it while we can. Besides, I’m anxious to hear about your visit to Teresa’s.”

  “The place they live in is awful,” Susan said. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. Of course, how would I? I’ve lived on the farm in the country all my life.”

  “I imagine the country has its dumps too,” Laura said. “But they might not be near an Amish community. Now tell me, how are we to help Teresa?”

  “I met her mother, Maurice. She’s still skeptical of any way this can work out well. I think she wanted Teresa to take up the baby’s father’s offer to abort the child, but Teresa knows better. As to how we can help, I’m afraid Teresa really wants me to find an Amish couple to take the baby. To my own shock, I agreed to at least write Mamm and Daett and have them ask around.”

  “Do you think someone will step forward and take the child?”

  “I really don’t. But how could I tell Teresa that? It would break her already hurting heart. But I had to offer to try. Everything went by so fast. Both Teresa and her mother were in tears. I just couldn’t walk out with the girl’s heart broken. She’s apparently seen stories about the Amish on TV and thinks that would give her child the perfect life she never had.”

  “So the mother and daughter played on your emotions?”

  Susan shrugged. “They got to my emotions all right, but I don’t know about playing. It seemed pretty genuine.”

  “You do have to be careful, dear. We Englisha have our characters,” Laura said. “And I wouldn’t put much past people if they get their minds set on something.”

  Susan wondered if perhaps she was being hoodwinked—acting like a country bumpkin who couldn’t see through the scam. She decided to trust Teresa’s story.

  “I’m still going to write home,” Susan said, “and see if they know anybody from the community who wants to adopt. It’s a long shot because it’s not like everyone has a lack of children. The children are all wanted among the Amish—but wanted as Da Hah gives them. And that’s not usually through adoption.”

  “I imagine that would be a good attitude to have if a person didn’t believe in birth control.”

  Susan smiled at Laura’s bold words. The Englisha just came right out and said things.

  “So Teresa and her mom will accept our help?”

  “Yes.” Susan sipped her coffee. “I told Teresa’s mom about your offer to arrange and pay for a doctor’s visit for Teresa. She said we can stop in anytime and pick up Teresa for the appointment. They aren’t gone much, I guess.”

  “I’ll make some calls and see what can be arranged. The sooner the better, I suppose. I didn’t get that good a look at the young woman, but I’d say she’s pretty far along.”

  Susan nodded. “From how my sisters all looked, I’d say so too.”

  “All the more reason to get her to a doctor right away. If Teresa wants to give the child up for adoption, the paperwork should be started. And there are plenty of people lined up to adopt. Finding a good, decent couple shouldn’t be hard at all.”

  “She has her heart set on an Amish couple,” Susan reminded, turning to glance outside at the bustling traffic. How did such a dream as Teresa’s get planted in her head with this big city all around her? Perhaps the city mad
e country life look so much better? Teresa made one giant leap and landed squarely in my life! Daett would say Da Hah was in such things. But is He? Yah, I will write the best letter I can, even believing the answer will probably be no. Surely no harm can come out of an attempt to help Teresa, she decided. Mamm and Daett won’t think ill of my helping an unwed mother. Nee, there is something else troubling, in the back of my mind but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

  “I think the girl will come around eventually,” Laura was saying. “Once we get her to the clinic and she gets into the flow of things, she’ll see the reality of the situation. Especially when she hears about all the local couples waiting for babies. Dreams tend to fit reality at the end. I wouldn’t worry about it, if I were you.”

  “Still, I have to write the letter,” Susan said. “I promised.”

  “You do that.” Laura patted Susan on the arm and got up from the table. “Here comes Robby. I just saw him go past the window.”

  “Robby?”

  “He told me not to tell you,” Laura whispered. “He’s coming by to take you on another driving lesson.”

  “You’re kidding! After what happened last time?”

  “I don’t know about that,” Laura said. “I never heard the details. But whatever it was you put him through, he’s willing to take you out again.”

  “But where?” Susan asked.

  The door opened.

  Laura said, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?”

  Susan stood and stared at Robby. “You’re taking me driving?” she asked.

  “I have evaluated my life,” he said, bowing low and sweeping his arm across his knees. “And I have decided the princess is worthy of my dedication and loyalty. Even unto death. Which, under the circumstances, may be the case.”

  Laura laughed. “You two are the limit! Now scram before anyone sees your antics.”

  Susan was suddenly cold all over. The traffic going past the window looked like missiles coming toward her, ready to crash into her.

  “You ready?” Robby asked. “Let’s go!”

  “You’re kidding me, aren’t you?” Susan asked, as they went out the door. “We’ll look at the car, and then you’ll back out and tell me it’s a joke.”