Missing Your Smile

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “I hope so!”

  “That’s a lot of confidence there.”

  “If I don’t,” she said, “at least I tried.”

  “And what will an Amish girl do with a driver’s license?”

  “Probably hide it under my pillow.”

  “You’re not serious, of course.”

  “No, but I’ll keep it until I decide to be baptized. Until then it will be my escape ticket.”

  “That is, if you pass.”

  “Yah, that is,” she agreed.

  “If you kill the instructor, they’ll never give you a driver’s license,” Robby teased.

  “You are so funny,” she said.

  He pulled into a parking lot at the college minutes later. “Here we are for our first stop. I think I’ll come in and read up on my romance life while you check the boxes on your test.”

  “That’s a good idea. You need all the help you can get!”

  Susan went to the information desk and was directed to a room in the back. Two other women were already there, along with a scrawny man who looked like he was in his twenties.

  “Are you nervous?” one girl asked when Susan sat beside her.

  “Yes,” Susan whispered back.

  “Charlotte’s my name,” the girl said.

  “Susan. I hope we all get good grades.”

  “I hope so too,” Charlotte said, crossing her fingers.

  A stern-looking lady entered the room and gave instructions to the four. She passed out the tests, face down. When she was done, she said, “You may start now.” She sat down on a chair behind the desk that was in the front of the room.

  Susan took a deep breath and began. The questions on the first page looked easy enough…and on the next. She took longer on the math section and rushed to finish.

  The instructor said, “Time’s up!” She gathered up the test papers and said, “You will receive the results through the mail in a week or so. You can also look for your results online, if you’d like.”

  Susan and the others got up to leave.

  “How did you do?” Charlotte asked on the way out.

  “I hope okay,” Susan said. “How about you?”

  “Can’t tell. This was my second time. So hopefully a little better than last time.”

  “You did fine, I’m sure,” Susan said. She turned and searched for Robby.

  “Is the great conqueror of the GED exam finished?” Robby asked from behind her, coming out from an aisle of books. “I think I have my love life all figured out.”

  “Let’s go!” Susan said, ignoring his comment. “I think the worst still lies ahead of me.”

  “The slayer of Robby’s car goes forth to ravage the countryside,” he announced while holding the door for her. They walked outside.

  “I haven’t put so much as a scratch on your car,” she said going down the stairs toward the parking lot. “Not one.”

  “No, but you’ve scared about five years off my life,” he said. “And made me lose five pounds.”

  “Well…” She climbed into the car. “I admit you’ve been a very patient man. So keep practicing, and your girl problems will soon be over.”

  He gave her a glare and drove to the DMV.

  “Now the real fun begins!” he said as they got out.

  “Don’t rub it in,” Susan said, steadying herself by putting her hands on the side of the car.

  “I think the instructor is over there,” Robby said, pointing.

  Susan walked over to the marked car. The instructor was standing by the building and holding a clipboard. He was dressed warmly with a sweater under his suit coat. Susan guessed he was in his mid-forties. He looked calm and patient.

  “Eleven o’clock appointment?” he asked.

  Susan nodded.

  He introduced himself as Bob and asked, “May I see your learner’s permit, please?”

  Susan handed it to him. He looked it over and gave it back.

  “You’re ready then?” he asked.

  “Yes,” Susan said. “The car I’ll be driving is over there.” She pointed toward Robby’s vehicle.

  The instructor walked over to the car, circled it, checking to make sure everything outside was legal. He climbed into the passenger’s side.

  Robby said, “Good luck, Susan! I’ll wait for you inside the building.”

  Susan nodded and opened the driver’s side door and slid in behind the wheel. She glanced back. Robby was watching.

  After the instructor went through his “everything is in good operating order in the car” list, he nodded to Susan. “You may start whenever you’re ready. I want you to pull out at the marked exit and then turn left,” he said. “I’ll give you directions as we go along.”

  Susan placed the car into drive, repeating silently to herself, Think farm. Think farm. Think horses. Think driving buggies. Left, right. Left, right. Pull lines. She turned left at the entrance, finally relaxing a bit when they came to the the first light. What is there to worry about anyway? I’ve done this many times with Robby. And if I fail, so what? Amish people don’t need driver’s licenses.

  “You’re doing fine,” the man said minutes later. “Let’s try this street. A left, please.”

  Susan turned on the blinker, waited for two cars to go by, and then pulled across the traffic lanes.

  “There’s an empty parking spot up ahead on the right. Can you parallel park?”

  “I think so,” Susan said barely above a whisper.

  Susan turned on her blinker and pulled up next to a parked car. Repeating under her breath, “I can do it. I can do it,” her gaze jumped back and forth between the rearview mirror and her side mirror. She craned her neck over her shoulder and swung the car into the spot on the first try.

  “Not bad!” the examiner said. “Now pull out, and let’s go around a few more blocks. Then we’re done.”

  Susan took a deep breath, glanced into the mirror, flipped the turn signal, looked over her shoulder, and pulled out. She followed the man’s direction as they moved through town, eventually returning to the DMV lot, parking where they’d started.

  “Come inside with me,” Bob said, climbing out.

  Susan followed him. “Let me pass, please let me pass,” she whispered to Bob’s back.

  “What was that?” he asked over his shoulder.

  Susan felt blood rushing to her face.

  “I hope I passed,” she said. “I was just talking to myself.”

  “You did pass,” he said. “Wait a minute here, and I’ll have your license ready for you shortly.”

  Susan found Robby and briefly waved. He walked toward her as she lowered herself into the chair, wondering why her body suddenly felt so weak.

  “Is the picture we used on your permit okay to use on your license?” Bob asked, interrupting her thoughts. “Or do you want a new one taken?”

  Susan jumped at the question, deciding quickly, “The first one is fine, yah.”

  Bob nodded. He was soon back, handing her a piece of plastic.

  “Thank you! Thank you so much.”

  “Congratulations! You have fun now,” he said. “And drive safely.”

  “Robby!” she exclaimed as soon as Bob had turned away. She held up her license. “My driver’s license! Can you believe it?”

  “You are amazing!” he said as they walked outside and moved to his car. He opened the passenger door for her. “Absolutely amazing!”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Susan slid the last doughnut into the large box and closed the lid.

  “That will be eleven dollars and twenty cents,” she said to the two well-dressed ladies.

  “We have a little office surprise this morning,” one of them said with a giggle. “It’s the boss’s birthday, and he loves your doughnuts!”

  “I’m glad to hear that,” Susan said as she took their money and handed back the change. “I hope he enjoys the surprise.”

  “Oh, he will,” one of the ladies assured Susan, taking t
he box, and following the other woman outside.

  Susan looked outside and saw Laura’s car go by, heading toward her usual parking spot. On the way in, Laura and the postman almost collided. After a hasty “Sorry,” he handed Laura the day’s mail.

  Approaching the bakery counter, Laura held up an envelope and said, “Susan, I think the letter from your parents has arrived.”

  “My parents?” Susan grabbed the envelope.

  “Looks like it to me,” Laura said.

  Susan studied the familiar handwriting and slid into a chair at a table. “I think I’d better sit down to read this.”

  “I’ll take care of this customer,” Laura said moving behind the counter just as someone walked in.

  Susan opened the envelope and forced herself to pull the paper out. She unfolded it and read.

  Dear Susan,

  Greetings in the name of Da Hah.

  The weather here has turned a little nippy. It snowed last night, although not much stuck to the ground. Joe and Miriam were over, and Jonas is coming along okay. The doctor said the infection might flare up again, but we hope not. Jonas showed Daett his scars. I hope some of those will go away or at least become less noticeable. A little boy might think they are good to have, but they might bother him as he grows older.

  I know we have taken longer to answer your question about the baby than you might have hoped. But it was such an unusual request. Your daett and I spoke at length about the matter last night with Joe and Miriam. We think, first of all, that no one in the community would be interested in adopting the child. Second, it might not be a wise thing to even ask the community. I don’t want to say more, but I’m sure you can imagine how things might appear. Joe and Miriam have agreed with us that the best solution would be to invite your friend Teresa to come here to visit. Has she ever considered joining the faith since she so admires our way of life?

  I know that’s not quite what you asked, but we would be more than willing to have her come. This would remove her from her present surroundings, which from what you say is not the best. After the birth of the child, perhaps Teresa would be better able to decide whether to return or place the child up for adoption with an Englisha couple.

  There is always the possibility that someone from the community would wish to adopt the child once they know Teresa. But we can make no promises. I trust you’ve been straightforward with her so she won’t have false hopes.

  I wish there was an easy answer to all of this, but I’m sure you know there isn’t. Life is hard, Susan, for us as well as for others. We can only seek to obey Da Hah and follow His will.

  Our hearts and home are open to you and to your friend, should she desire to come.

  Sincerely, your mamm, Anna

  Susan stared out of the window.

  “Not good news, it appears,” Laura said, coming to stand beside her.

  “No,” Susan said. “But not unexpected. They’ve offered to let Teresa come and stay with them for a visit, but they won’t ask the community about the adoption.”

  “Do you want me to break the news to Teresa?”

  “No,” Susan said. “I’d better do it. Perhaps after work I’ll go.”

  “Why don’t you go now and get it over with? You can make it back in time for the lunch hour rush.”

  “Are you sure?” Susan looked up at Laura.

  “Yes. Go now and you’ll be back sooner.”

  “I’ll rush as fast as I can,” Susan said, taking the letter with her. “It might be best if Teresa read the letter herself.”

  “Please help me, Lord,” she prayed as she crossed the street with the flow of people at the light and hurried down the side streets. “Help us find a way out of this mess.”

  Susan paused when she arrived at the apartment. The street was empty and seemed a little cleaner today. The yard, though, had been untouched, debris still thrown everywhere.

  Crossing the uncut grass, Susan knocked and then pushed the door open and went up the rough steps. No one hollered a greeting.

  “Hellooo!” Susan called from the top of the stairs. Silence greeted her.

  “Hello!” she said again, this time a little louder.

  The door was open, so Susan went in. She heard a rustle from the bedroom.

  “Teresa?” Susan called.

  “I’m in here,” came a voice from behind the closed curtain.

  “Shall I come in?” Susan asked.

  “Yes,” Teresa said.

  Susan stepped inside. Teresa lay on the bed dressed in a worn, dark-brown nightgown, the edges frayed, the front bulging over her swollen abdomen.

  “Are you okay?” Susan asked as she sat down on the bed.

  “I don’t think it will be as long as the doctor says.” Teresa looked up, her face pained.

  “The baby isn’t due until December, right?”

  “I think the doctor was wrong!” Teresa grimaced.

  “Are you having pains now?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Maybe it’s false labor,” Susan said, stroking her arm. “Mamm had nine of us. And my sisters—all eight have babies. Sometimes it seems like the baby’s coming, but it really isn’t.”

  “Did you hear from your parents?”

  Susan was silent, not meeting her eyes.

  “You have a letter from them?” Teresa’s face lit up.

  Susan nodded.

  “It’s not good news, though. I can tell from your face.”

  Susan’s words tumbled out. “They’ve invited you to come and have the baby there, Teresa. Here is the letter if you want to read it yourself.”

  Teresa didn’t move her hand when Susan held out the pages. She shook her head. “I’ll only go if it says someone will take my boy. And it doesn’t say that, does it?”

  “No, it doesn’t,” Susan said quietly.

  Teresa stared at the wall. “Why would God do this to me? Doesn’t He care? I know I don’t have much to offer Him. In fact, I have nothing to offer Him. But He’s God! He can do anything. Does He only give things to good people?”

  “He cares about you!” Susan took Teresa’s hand. “He cares even more than Laura and I do, and we care a lot. That’s why we want to help you. Why won’t you even consider their suggestion?”

  “You mean go to the Amish myself?” Teresa said. “But they won’t want me there. If they would just take my baby, that would be enough.”

  “Teresa, they’ve invited you. If you want there to be a chance for your baby in the Amish community, you’re going to have to go about it the way Mamm and Daett are suggesting.”

  Teresa climbed out of bed and moved to the kitchen. She leaned against the table and lowered herself into a chair.

  “Would they?” Teresa asked. “Really?”

  “Would they what?”

  “Would the Amish take me into their community?”

  “That’s what the letter says,” Susan said, fumbling for the paper in her pocket.

  “No.” Teresa shook her head. “You don’t understand. Can I become Amish?”

  “Why yes, Teresa,” Susan said. “Of course you can. Mamm also mentioned that option. But it would be very hard.”

  A light played in Teresa’s eyes before she looked away. “You know I’m not pure. I’ve done so much wrong in my life. I have faith that holy people would take my child, but I’m not sure they would take me.” Teresa reached for Susan’s hands. “Would they love me?”

  “Teresa!” Susan gathered her into a hug. “I love you, don’t I?”

  The two held each other for long moments until Teresa said, “I’ll go if you’ll come with me.”

  Susan hesitated. “You really want to go home with me?” She held Teresa at arm’s length and looked into her eyes.

  “If you come with me,” Teresa repeated, her face beaming. “Maybe it’s something I’ve always wanted and just didn’t know I did.”

  “It would be lovely,” Susan said. “You could meet my parents. You could have the baby there. And
you could watch your son grow up in the community.”

  “Oh, Susan!” Teresa exclaimed. “Can that really happen? Then I wouldn’t have to give the baby up, would I? It would be the best of both worlds.”

  Susan took a deep breath. Was this going to set poor Teresa up for even more disappointment? Becoming Amish was very difficult. Teresa might not be able to adjust. Susan sighed and realized that was something neither she nor Teresa could know until she tried.

  “Looks like we’d better start planning our trip,” Susan said, sitting down beside Teresa.

  “It will be like going to heaven before I die,” Teresa said, her eyes shining.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Susan rushed back to the bakery, even running at times, catching her breath while she waited at the red lights. It had taken longer than usual, but Laura would understand. Who would have thought things would turn out this way? She opened the bakery door and let out a deep breath. “Whew!” she said to Laura, who had turned to see who had come in.

  Susan slipped on her apron, washed up, and then joined Laura behind the counter, offering a quick, “Sorry, it took longer than I thought.” Laura nodded and the two worked steadily as the lunch crowd surged in for the next forty-five minutes.

  When there was finally a let-up, Laura said, “Let’s get something to eat ourselves before someone else comes in. You can fill me in on the news. I hope you could talk some sense into Teresa’s head.”

  “I’m still trying to absorb what happened,” Susan said, following Laura to the kitchen.

  “I take it there’s good news?” Laura pulled meat and cheese from the refrigerator.

  “I guess so. Teresa wants to go Amish.”

  “She wants to ‘go Amish’? Do you think that’s even possible?”

  Susan shrugged. “Mamm made the suggestion in her letter, but it will be very hard. Not impossible though. People have done it before.”

  “Now that’s a strange twist of events,” Laura declared. “Did you suggest it?”

  “No,” Susan replied. “That would have been the last thing I would have thought of. Like I said, even though Mamm mentioned it, I didn’t take the suggestion seriously. I don’t think Mamm did either. Teresa came up with the idea on her own. Which is gut. Teresa will need all the resolution she can find in the days ahead. If I had talked her into the plan, it might have made things worse.”