I laugh at the story. “That must have been traumatic.”
“Only at first,” she says. “That was a couple of years ago. Back then they were all so full of themselves, but I could tell they were good guys. One by one, they’ve started to come around. Your Link is the tough one, though.”
My Link?
Allie looks me in the eye. “I hope he gives you the chance. I barely know you, but I get the feeling you’d be good for him. Feminine intuition and all.”
There are so many things banging around in my head right now, I can’t think of anything to say.
“Do you love him, Raven?”
I’m stunned by the question. Of course I love him. I’ve known that for a while now, at least since our last rendezvous, when he opened up to me.
My mouth opens and nothing comes out. Tears well up instead.
“Yeah, I thought so,” she says, then hugs me. “You poor thing. This party will be winding down in another hour and we can put our heads together and try to see what this is all about. Until then, just have fun and don’t think about him.”
I nod and bite my lip to keep back the tears. Allie lets me go, then points her chin toward the pool house again.
“I almost put a sign put up over the door that would read, ‘Hollywood Bad Boys Club, no girls allowed.’ You know, in a scribble with some letters backwards, like a kid’s clubhouse.”
I can’t help but laugh at the idea.
She takes a couple of steps, then says over her shoulder, “I might still do it. You never know.”
When she’s gone, I go into the house and look for a bathroom. This place is a decorator’s dream, and I can see a woman’s touch. I wonder what it looked like before Allie moved in. What would the home of a rich, handsome bachelor movie star look like?
I find the bathroom and see my reflection in the mirror. I’m so glad I took the time to look good before I dashed over here. Looking at my face, I compare myself to the women I’ve just met. With Claire, it’s hopeless. She could do makeup ads in magazines with that face. I’m not as pretty as Allie or Rashida either. Next to them, I’m just plain tattooed Jane.
I keep staring.
“I thought you were beautiful the first time I saw you.” Link’s words come back to me. I was at his house, and we’d just fucked on his lawn. We went inside and I used the bathroom, and when I returned, he made that remark about me being beautiful. I shook it off. Most guys find naked women beautiful, because naked women are beautiful. He had persisted, though, telling me he thought I was beautiful even before he saw me without clothes.
Link, you fucking asshole. Why?
I’m starting to cry again.
What are you going to do, Raven?
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
But I do know that I can’t stay here any longer. These people have been so wonderful to me today, and made me feel really welcome. They’re all so genuinely likable, even the guys.
But I’m a pretend girlfriend, nothing more.
It’s time to go home. I’ll figure this out on my own.
I walk from the bathroom and out the front door without anyone seeing me.
Of course my car is in the middle of the driveway, with half a dozen cars in front and behind it, all of them shiny and expensive as fuck.
There’s a valet guy out front, and when I point out my old Bug, he says, “I was wondering who that belonged to. Cool car.” It takes him fifteen minutes to shuffle cars around, but eventually my car is freed, before anyone can catch me skipping out.
I return the gate guard’s wave on the way out, still amazed that rich Hollywood people have such friendly homes. Soon enough, I’m back in my own modest house, sitting in the reflected glow of the sunset as I pet my cats.
Just when the light has almost faded, my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number and don’t really want to talk to anyone anyway, so I let it go to voicemail. A minute later, I retrieve the message and hear Allie’s voice.
“Hey, it’s Allie. Listen, I don’t blame you for taking off. It’s hard to imagine what must have been going through your mind. I just wanted you to know that I understand what’s going on. I can be a little slow on the uptake, but I’m not dumb. If you want someone to talk to, I’m here, okay? We all enjoyed meeting you, Raven. And seriously, don’t hesitate to call. I mean it, I’m here if you need a friend.”
I don’t hang up, and the voice menu starts reciting options in my ear.
If you need a friend, Allie said.
I already have a friend.
He just refuses to talk to me.
Another hour passes. The living room is dark and I’m still sitting in the same spot, Nyx on my lap and Phanes to one side.
I feel numb, catatonic. It’s been the strangest day of my life. This can’t actually be happening to me. It’s some sort of cosmic joke.
I’m startled by bright lights coming through the window and moving across my walls, accompanied by the sound of a loud engine pulling into my driveway.
It can’t be.
My heart jumps, even though I know he could be just coming back to tell me he’s decided we’re done for good.
I leap off the couch, unceremoniously dumping Nyx on the floor as I run to the door and fling it open.
Parked in my driveway is a bright red Ferrari. The door opens and Allie steps out.
“Get in. Let’s go for a ride.”
I’ve never heard an engine sound like that. I lock my door and approach the car. It’s the most beautiful car I’ve ever seen, and it looks ridiculously fast just sitting in my driveway. Ridiculously expensive, too.
“Where are we going?” I ask when I reach the car.
“Just get in,” Allie says, climbing back inside.
I open the passenger door and tentatively take a seat. The interior is small and cramped. There’s no back seat and the engine is literally right behind my head. I can hear its roar and feel the subsonic vibrations. Shutting my door, I try to figure out the seat belt.
“I hate driving this thing,” Allie says, “but my car was blocked by a few others and I didn’t want to wait for them to move it.”
“The party’s still going strong?” I ask.
“No, but as usual, the bad boys are hanging around long after, minus Link, of course. When I told Drake why I needed his car, he said he wanted to come. I told him there were only two seats and he needed to keep his ass at home for this.”
She puts it in reverse and gingerly backs out of the driveway.
“Hold on tight, no telling what’ll happen.”
Then we roar off down the street. I wonder what my neighbors will think if they saw me leaving in a spaceship like this.
“How did you know where I live?” I ask.
“Google. Took two minutes.”
I should have known. Allie’s doing well with the car. I certainly couldn’t drive a beast like this. This car probably has ten times the horsepower mine does.
“So, where are you taking me?” I ask her.
Allie looks across the seat and grins.
“We’re gonna make a house call.”
25
Link
“Dude, you’re being a total pussy.”
I stare at the phone in my hand. After a workout and shower, I’m standing naked in my living room being called a pussy by my best friend. Drake is one of the few people in the world I would let get away with saying that.
“I told you, something came up. I’ll call Marcus and take him out for drinks. He’s not gonna give a shit, I’m sure he had plenty of people helping him celebrate today.”
“Beside the point. You were supposed to be there, and you bailed on us. On me, on Marcus, on Mason, and on the women as well.”
The women.
Again, with the girlfriends and fiancées. Why can’t I have a relationship like normal people? As soon as the thought comes to mind, I know the answer: I’m broken and would just end up hurting the person I’m supposed to love. I’
ve been going over this in my mind for three fucking weeks now. It’s seared into my brain.
“Fuck off, Drake, I don’t need any more shit in my life right now.”
“I know you, Link. You don’t think I know what’s going on, but I do. It's that chick, Raven.”
What the fuck? How does he know her name? I remember talking about her at Miguel’s when he and Mason were giving me shit, but I never mentioned her name. Then it dawns on me that he’s the one who saw that TV interview and told me about it.
“Yeah, it’s Raven.” Drake can be a dick, but he’s my best friend in the world. There’s no point hiding this from him. He’ll drag it out of me eventually.
“What going on with her? Why have you been dodging me for weeks now?”
I say nothing. I really don’t want to talk about this.
“Dude…”
“All right! Jesus, man.” I take a breath. “We saw each other again, just for one night. Met at Firewater, had a few drinks and a great conversation. Learned all about each other. And even though we’d agreed we were just going to be friends, we went to her place and had sex all night.”
“Sounds awful.”
“Fuck you.”
“Seriously, what’s so horrible about that?”
“You know me. I don’t want a relationship.”
“What about friends with benefits?”
“We can’t be friends because I like her too much. That’s the whole fucking problem.”
“So, tell me what you like about Raven.”
Drake is acting strangely, but I can’t put my finger on it.
“I’m not going to give you a list.”
“I didn’t ask for a list. Hey, I’m trying to help you here. This is free therapy from someone who knows you and loves you even though you’re an asshole. Quit being such a pussy and just fucking tell me what you like about her. And be honest, for fuck’s sake. I’m you’re friend.”
I hate it when he’s right. If I can’t talk about this with Drake, then I have no choice but to continue keeping it to myself like I’ve been doing, and that just fucks with my head. Maybe he’ll even have advice I can use, although I doubt it.
"All right, you want to know? I’ll tell you. Here goes: I don't ever feel insignificant or unlucky when I'm with Raven. For those few minutes when we’re together, everything else just melts away. I don’t have that pervasive sense that life is always gearing up to slam me, that another kick in the balls is constantly lurking right around the corner. I can relax and be myself with her, without fearing that the universe is laughing at me."
Well, fuck me. That was way heavier than I planned.
"That's a good thing, no?"
"No, it's fucking terrible. I’ve never felt that before. You know I don’t scare easily, but this scares me shitless. I don’t want that."
“Why the hell not? You’re just being stupid now.”
I hesitate, then come out with it. “You know about my childhood, the shit I went through.”
“Jesus, Link, that was more than twenty years ago. I know it was horrendous, something no kid should have to deal with. But if you ever want to have a normal life, to enjoy actual relationships with women, you need to find a way to let that go. See a shrink or something, man. Move on with your life. We’ve all changed, so I know you can. Everyone wants to see you happy, you ugly fucksack.”
Normally I laugh when Drake coins a new word. Tonight I’m not in the mood.
“That’s the problem, man. I see all of you guys with your women, and everyone seems happy. I’m not, though. We had it great for a while, with the Bad Boys Club and all, but everything is changing.”
"Dude, we're just growing up. It happens to all of us.”
“Yeah? Well, meanwhile, nothing has changed for me.”
“Quit resisting. Change can be good. Give this Raven chick a chance if you really like her."
That’s not going to happen. I’ve given this all the thought I need, and I honestly can’t imagine anything that could convince me otherwise. All that would happen is I would hurt her again at some point.
“Nah. There’s not going to be a relationship, with Raven or anyone else. But I think I’ve figured out something that might work, that would allow me and Raven to have—”
The doorbell rings. What the fuck? I never have visitors, except maybe Drake, and he’s on the other end of the phone.
“Hang on, someone’s at the door.”
“Surprise! Guess who?”
I stare at the phone, then hang up. That douchebag has come to my house to continue this Dr. Phil session face-to-face. He must have been talking on the drive over. I feel like punching him, although I know he means well. Instead, I’ll teach him a lesson about showing up unannounced.
I reach the door, my smirk already in place, ready to force Drake to gaze upon the glory that is my giant naked body. I swing the door open, prepared for the facial expression that will make me laugh my ass off.
Instead, I see someone who’s not Drake Manning at all.
“Allie!” I try to cover myself, but all I have is a cell phone. “What the fuck? I thought it was Drake.”
Her expression had already changed from serious to bemused. Now she laughs out loud.
“Do you always answer the door naked for my husband-to-be?”
“Wait here. Or come on in. Whatever.” I hurry up the stairs to put on some sweatpants.
When I return, she’s still standing there with a grin on her face. “So, I guess we’re even now?”
“What?” I still can’t believe it was her and have no idea what she’s saying.
“The pool house. Remember?”
Oh, yeah. How could I forget those tits? I guess this is indeed her revenge. I nod sheepishly.
“Yeah, we’re even. What are you doing here?”
She doesn’t lose her pretty smile.
“Link, there’s someone who needs to talk to you.” She looks me in the eye. “And you are going to man up and have this desperately needed conversation because it’s the right thing to do, and I know that deep inside, you’re a good man who wants to do the right thing.”
What the fuck is this woman talking about?
Allie turns and waves. Behind her I notice Drake’s Ferrari in the darkness of my drive. Is he in the car? What is going on here?
The passenger door opens and Raven steps out.
I’m confused as all fuck as she comes to the door. The poor thing looks scared to death and exhausted, seemingly on the verge of tears.
“I’ll leave you two alone now,” Allie says.
As she’s walking back to the Ferrari, she glances back over her shoulder and adds, “Link, remember what I just told you.”
I look at Raven, standing in the muted light coming from my entryway. Even like this, she’s still a thing of beauty, capable of melting hearts. But there’s all kinds of pain in those eyes and I know I’m the cause of all of it. I wrap my arms around her for a big, long hug, feeling her resistance as I do.
“Can I come in?” she asks, her voice quivering.
“Sure, of course,” I say, releasing her and stepping aside. “I guess it’s probably time we had that talk.”
“Yeah, Link, it’s time.”
26
Raven
When Allie signals me and I get out of the car, I see Link standing in the doorway, shirtless with sweat pants on, his gargantuan silhouette filling the door frame. I’m trembling I’m so frightened, not of confronting him, but of how he’ll react to what I have to say.
I approach the door and Allie leaves, like she said she would. Link looks at me and seems contrite instead of angry. I take that as a sign of hope, that maybe he’s given this sufficient thought and come to the obvious conclusion that he and I fit well together. I’m still angry, though, and squirm out of his hug, then invite myself in.
He says he’s ready to talk. I need him to be ready to act.
Link leads me to his couch, the same couch where
we sat naked together less than a month ago, munching on popcorn and beer as we watched porn. The happiness and contentment I felt at the time has given way to dread and dismay.
As soon as my butt lands on the couch, I jump right in. “I had to come. You left me no choice by ignoring my calls.”
“I understand,” he says, “but before you say anything, I want to tell you what I’ve been thinking.”
This should be interesting. “Go ahead, then.”
He sits on the coffee table across from me. His chest, his shoulders, those enormous biceps, those tattoos I was inches away from when we were intertwined… it feels like they’re all taunting me now. Easy enough to touch, but impossible to get to what’s underneath.
“Raven, we’ve been looking at this all backwards. We thought the sex would prevent us from being able to remain friends. That’s just stupid.”
Sounds promising enough. Then why do I sense I’m about to be shoved out of a plane with no parachute?
“We somehow flipped it. It’s the friendship that’s blocking us from being able to continue having great sex.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. I want to speak, but feel numb inside.
“We both know I can’t have a relationship with you. But that doesn’t mean we have to stop having this amazing sex.”
“What?” I’m unable to get my mind wrapped around what he seems to be proposing.
“All of this relationship stuff stresses me out, makes me uncomfortable. The sex, though… the sex calms my mind. When we’re having sex, I forget about everything else in the world, past, present or future. I’m totally at peace.”
He’s actually serious about this.
“So, friends with benefits? That’s your solution?”
Link frowns and shakes his head.
“No. No, you don’t get it. It’s the exact opposite of that.”
“Link, I don—”
“Raven, I can’t deny I have honest, genuine feelings for you. That connection is what makes a friendship just as difficult as an actual relationship. The relationship is always right there, under the surface, trying to push through. If I feel that, I know you do, too.”
Hollywood Bad Boys Club, Book 4: Link Page 19