I nod, still baffled.
“Benefits without friends,” he says. “Just the sex. I think that would work for us.”
He almost looks proud that he’s come up with this inane idea. Too bad I’m going to have to burst his bubble.
“No.”
Link’s brow crinkles.
“No? Just no?”
“Right, just no. That entire concept is idiotic. I need more from you than just sex.”
He looks indignant.
“You can’t have more from me. I’m not the man for that. You know that as well as I do.”
“I don’t want you as some kind of fuckbuddy, Link. That was fun at first, but things have changed. My requirements are different now.”
“I’m sorry, then,” he says. “That’s all you’re ever going to get from me. Nothing more than sex, which in our case is moving and emotional on its own. Take it or leave it.”
“Fuck you!” I shout as the tears arrive unannounced. “You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.”
“That’s not news. You knew that months ago.”
The tears seem to have lowered the floodgate holding back my emotions.
"Here’s the real news, you jerk: You're too fucking blinded by your childhood trauma to see that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you. I'm in love with you, Link. And I think you feel the same, but I can't tell because you refuse to let anyone inside that colossal fucking shell of a body."
I’ve shocked him into silence.
“You’re scared of me,” I continue. “Not because I’m wrong for you, but because I’m so obviously fucking right for you.”
He starts to say something, but I cut him off.
“Tell me you don’t love me. Say it.”
“I don’t,” he says slowly. I can see in his eyes that he’s lying.
“You’re the one who’s chicken shit, Link. You always have been. The great big man is still a scared little boy.”
His wounded expression confirms that I went a little too hard. Still, we both know it’s the truth. He swallows hard and looks into my eyes.
“I don’t love you. I don’t love anybody.”
"Link, I'm pregnant."
The sudden silence is deafening. It’s like those three words sucked every sound wave out of the room.
I don’t want to be the first one to talk, so I clench my jaw and wait.
“Are you sure?” he finally asks, his voice flat.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been feeling weird, and was so stressed out by all your bullshit that I didn’t even realize I was supposed to start my period four days ago. When I put two and two together this morning, I ran to the pharmacy and bought an at-home test. Two of them, actually. They both came back positive. I’m pregnant.”
“That’s not what I meant. Are you sure it’s mine?”
I lash out and hit him hard in the chest. He doesn’t flinch and I only end up hurting my hand.
"It’s a valid question,” he says. “How do I know it’s not someone else?"
I’m about to completely fucking lose it with this guy.
"There IS no one else, you moron! Nobody else has been in there in about a year! Only you.”
He knows I’m telling the truth.
“It's you, Link. It's always been you, since the day you walked into my shop.”
I purse my lips in defiance. Link lowers his head and looks at the floor for a minute. I’m breathing heavily and can feel the blood pumping throughout my body.
He looks back up, trying desperately not to venture outside of his emotional cocoon.
"Maybe we could, you know, just take care of it."
I stand up and slap him, hard. His face barely moves.
I can’t even think of a reply until I’m almost at the front door. Then I spin around, sobbing. He’s still sitting on the coffee table as I level a glare at him.
“You know what, Link? Even if we did get rid of our baby, that would change nothing. We’re still in love, even if you won’t admit it. And I may well be your best fucking shot at one day becoming a normal human being.”
I’m at the end of his driveway before I turn to see he’s not following me, not trying to convince me to stay.
There will be no one riding up to rescue me and sweep me away to a happily-ever-after ending. I’m in love with a knight whose armor is impenetrable.
The damsel in distress walks alone through the nighttime streets of Laurel Canyon for about twenty minutes. At first I plan to walk all the way home, to try to rid myself of the despair I feel. I call Allie to let her know what’s happened. She asks me if I’d like to come over and talk, but I tell her I’m just going to take a cab home and try to sleep. I start to call Theo, but don’t really feel like taking to him, either. It dawns on me that even though my walk home would be mostly flat or downhill, it would take another hour and lead me through some sketchy parts of Mulholland Drive.
The white knight who eventually whisks me away to the safety of my home turns out to be an Uber driver in a white Honda Accord.
27
Link
Raven drops this pregnancy bomb on me, then flies out into the dark of the night like her namesake.
Meanwhile, I’m left sitting in my living room in a state of shock.
I know it could be possible. The last time we were together, we had bareback sex in the parking lot behind Firewater. We were both so caught up in the moment that I came inside of her. I assumed since she didn’t say anything about it, she had Plan B or whatever. Fuck, I know almost nothing about this shit, apart from using a condom whenever possible. Anyway, that was obviously when it happened.
Which means I’m the lucky guy.
The father.
Not only that, I’ve broken Raven’s heart. I cringe at the irony of it all. In trying everything I could to prevent a relationship that would cause pain to someone I care about, all I succeeded in doing was the very thing I wanted to avoid.
I pour myself a bourbon and down it, then take my glass and the entire bottle out to my patio. Maybe the cool night air will clear my head a little. As I drink, I continue to turn this situation over and over in my mind, hoping against hope that I can find an angle that would somehow make it all easier. There has to be something, a way to resolve this issue.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting there, but I’m at least four drinks into my contemplation when a light comes on in my neighbor’s upstairs window. It reminds me of my concern that Lance or Amanda might happen to look out into my backyard after midnight that night and see me and Raven going at it on the lawn. I see the spot where it took place and recall how she’d run out there naked and dared me to fuck her right there, out in the open. Don’t be such a chicken shit, she said.
My muddled brain makes a connection to something she said in my living room just a short while ago.
You’re the one who’s chicken shit, Link. You always have been. The great big man is still a scared little boy.
Goddamn it, why is this happening to me?
I do the only thing I can think to do at a moment like this: I go to my garage, put on a pair of boxing gloves, and start pounding the holy shit out of my punching bag. I pummel that thing for a good twenty minutes before I stop, exhausted and wringing wet with sweat. As I stand there dripping on the concrete below my feet, I remember Drake saying earlier that all the guys were growing up and that I was creating my own problem by resisting change. He said I should give Raven a chance if I really like her.
There’s no question that I like her, only she’s pregnant now, so that’s out of the question. Even if I could convince myself to open up my heart to someone like that, to take a shot that I could pull off being in a relationship without disappointing or hurting the other person, that’s immaterial now. That boat has sailed.
I can’t possibly run the risk of fucking up a child’s life. I know what it’s like to be doomed to a life of misery by bad parents.
When that thought bubbles up in m
y brain, I immediately resume pounding the bag and I don’t stop until I’m about to pass out.
There’s no way to avoid the truth: Having a child is a risk I simply cannot take. I refuse to repeat the sins of my parents. End of story, decision made.
I punch the bag one more time, putting all my weight into it, and the support chain pulls away from its overhead beam. The entire thing comes crashing to the ground with a thud.
The room is eerily quiet. I stand there, staring at that bag. That’s me, I think, punched repeatedly until I can’t fucking take any more.
The seconds tick by and I keep staring, slowly becoming aware of my heavy breathing. Then I feel the thumping beat of my heart in my chest.
Out of nowhere, a realization enters my brain with a sense of clarity that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before:
If I don’t change my mind, I will definitely fail both Raven and this child.
I consider it and have an inner sense that it’s profound and accurate. I realize that the flip side of that is that if I accept this situation and try to embrace these changes in my life, I’ll have the opportunity to make things right. To be the parent I never had. To not only prevent my child from having the same miserable life I’ve had, but to help that kid to have the happy, magical childhood every kid deserves. To have the very thing I always wished I’d had.
That’s the double-edged sword I hold in my hand: Stay comfortably miserable and hurt everyone, or risk it all and do my best to not fuck everything up.
I walk to the wall and push the button for the garage door opener. Less than a minute later, I’m flying through the LA night on my Harley, shirtless and barefoot, wearing only my sweats and my helmet.
I probably should have thought to shower and put on some clothes, but the rush of the chilly night air clears my head and dries most of the sweat off my body by the time I pull into Raven’s driveway.
Too late now, I think.
She answers the door looking puffy-eyed and distraught.
Fuck. I should’ve thought about what I was going to say, or at least come up with a few ideas. In my rush to get here, I prepared nothing. Now I’m standing on her doorstep with my thumb up my ass, and Raven doesn’t look very happy to see me anyway.
“If you’re here to try to convince me to get an abortion, don’t worry. Whatever decision I make won’t involve you.”
“Let me in. I want to talk to you.”
She moves aside and I see those black and white cats dash out of the room as I stand in the middle of her small living room.
“I don’t know how to do this, Raven.”
“Do what?” Her frustration with me is painfully obvious.
“This. All of this,” I say. “The very idea of having a girlfriend scares the piss out of me, and I can barely breathe when I think about raising a child.”
“I just told you: You don’t have to worry about any of it. It’s not your problem, Link.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Yes, I do,” she says. “I understand completely. I will make this decision on my own, and whatever course of action I take, I’ll pursue on my own as well. All I need from you is for you to get out of my life and stay out.”
“Shut up.”
She’s stunned, but quickly recovers and starts to protest. I don’t let her, though.
“Raven, just shut the fuck up for a minute.” I take a quick breath. “This is difficult enough for me, figuring out what to say and trying not to look like a complete idiot. I don’t need you to make it any harder.”
She glares at me. “Say what you’ve got to say, then go.”
I open my mouth, but can’t make a sound. There’s not a single cohesive thought in my brain, and even if there were, I’m not sure I could give it voice. I turn away from her and try to think. When I have something almost ready I turn back, but the second I see that face, the fleeting thought vanishes altogether.
She crosses her arms.
I give it another ten seconds before I just grab Raven, wrapping my big arms around her and picking her up off the ground. Before she can say anything, I kiss her hard, our lips mashed together. I feel her hands against my chest, pushing me away, or at least trying to, and her head pulls back as well. I can’t let her, though, because I can’t talk yet. Not while she’s still got that look of disappointment in her eyes.
I hold my ground and feel her resolve weaken. Her lips grow soft against mine and her hands stop pushing. When I feel those hands on my shoulders, she parts her lips to allow my tongue entrance. A second afterward, she’s holding on to the back of my neck and we’re kissing furiously and passionately.
That kiss lasts a good five minutes, because I need it to break Raven’s defenses. When I finally set her down and release her, she looks confused and fragile.
“What are you doing?” she asks, her voice trembling and tears threatening. “Don’t play with me.”
“I’m not playing.”
She waits to hear more.
“I want to try,” I say. “To give this a shot, to try to make it work. To see if I’m capable of getting past all my shit and letting you into my life.”
There. I said it. Or I’m pretty sure I did.
“That’s why I’m here. To tell you I want this… us.”
There’s an awkward pause, then Raven screws up her courage. “I need to clarify something.”
She abruptly stops as a tear trails down her cheek, then continues. “You don’t mean the all-benefits, no-friends thing, do you? Because I swear to God, if that’s what you—”
“No,” I say. “No, the whole thing. Friends, the relationship. And the benefits, too, obviously. All of it.”
I see a tiny smile, first in her eyes, then at the corners of her mouth.
“For real? Are you sure?”
“No, I’m not sure at all. In fact, I’m fucking riddled with doubt. All I know for certain is that I want you with me. You’re the only thing I’ve ever known that could separate me from my past."
Raven seems happy for a second, then the smile fades.
“What?” I ask.
The tears come back rapidly, and they’re not tears of joy. What the hell? This is not the reaction I was expecting.
“Raven, what’s wrong?”
She looks up at me with big, liquid brown eyes.
“I’m still pregnant. What about… what are we going…” She can’t finish.
“We started that, let’s finish it,” I say. “Let’s do this.”
I can feel her searching my eyes, trying to figure out if I’m sincere. Then she throws herself against me, her arms wrapping around my waist as the side of her head presses to my chest. I hug her back, and we remain like that for a while.
“What made you change your mind?” she finally asks. “I didn’t think you would.”
“It’s just time. I’ve been making myself miserable for way too long. I need to hold on to the things that bring me happiness, starting with you. Also, I want to try to be the man my father wasn't. And I want this kid to have a real mother."
Raven relinquishes her tight grip and looks up at me. The look on her face is priceless.
“Link, you'll be an awesome father."
I wish I could take a picture of her like this.
“Yeah, we’ll I’m gonna need a fuckload of help.”
“So will I. I’ve never done this before, either, you know.”
She hugs me all over again and says, “I’m so glad you finally came to your senses. If you freak out and leave me again, I’m going to hunt you down and kick your big ass. I mean it.”
“I’d be stupid to do that,” I say. “I’d lose all those free tattoos.”
Raven laughs, her tits moving against me.
“Is this really happening?” she asks. “I’m not dreaming?”
“It’s real. I can’t run from my past forever, though God knows I’ve tried.”
She tiptoes for another kiss. Right in the middle of it, she l
eans back just far enough to frame my face with her hands and look me in the eye. “I love you so much,” she says. I can only respond with another kiss.
We’re interrupted by a meowing, and when we both look over, the cats scatter again.
“That’s going to be an adjustment,” I say. “I’ve always been a dog guy myself.”
Raven runs after them and brings back the black one, holding it up for me to see.
“This is Nyx. Nyx, meet Link.”
The poor cat looks scared to death. I don’t think she’s ever seen a human this large before.
Raven sets her down, then looks me over and says, “I can’t believe you rode over here wearing that.”
“Yeah, I kind of wanted to get here and talk while I still had the nerve.”
“So, are you staying?” The question confuses me, which Raven senses and adds, “You know, for the night?”
I realize how calm I am now that I’m with her again. Maybe I can eventually get used to this lack of turmoil.
“Yeah, I’m staying. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
“Then you’re going to need to take a shower and get out of those grungy pants.”
“I don’t have anything to wear,” I say.
“Exactly.”
I suddenly can’t wait to have sex with Raven again. Something tells me it’s going to be very different this time. Maybe even hotter, if that’s possible.
“When she’s older, are we going to tell our daughter that she was conceived between a Mustang and a Harley?”
I can’t help but smile at the question, even though I’m a bit freaked out by Raven uttering the word “daughter.”
“What if it’s a boy?” I counter.
“A boy will like that idea. A girl might not.”
I laugh softly and look at my woman. Her makeup is smeared, her eyes are red and puffy, and her hair is sticking to the tears on her cheeks. She’s a fucking mess. A beautiful fucking mess.
“On the contrary,” I say. “Any daughter of ours would probably think that’s a pretty cool story.”
Hollywood Bad Boys Club, Book 4: Link Page 20