At the airport, we pulled into the set-down bay and Dad pulled the boot lever and got out of the car to help us take out our luggage.
“Well, it’s been lovely to meet you,” Dad said, shaking Ben’s hand firmly. “And we’d love you to come over again soon.”
“I’d like that. I’ve really enjoyed meeting all of you. And be sure to tell Granny and Aoife and the rest of them that we said goodbye.”
I cringed as he pretended they were all best friends now – he had just met them once!
“I will, of course.”
“Don’t leave it so long the next time!”
“Well, safe journey home, Dad.” I hugged him close.
“Before you go, I want to give you this –” He took an envelope from the inside pocket of his jacket and handed it to me.
“What’s this?” I said, going to open it.
“Don’t open it now.” He put his hand over mine on top of the envelope. “Better to wait until you get home.”
“But –”
“Look, I’ve debated for years whether to give this to you or not, but maybe now is the right time. I hope it might . . . well . . . help you to make sense of it all.”
I clutched the faded envelope in my hands and watched Dad get back into the car. We waved goodbye to each other and suddenly I could feel tears in my eyes. I wiped them quickly away before anyone could see them. Wordlessly Ben and I went inside the airport terminal.
High winds and heavy rains delayed our flight by a few hours – the sunshine from the west had yet to make it across to the east of the country. Winds howled and rain hit the runway in diagonal sheets, making takeoff and landing unsafe. There was now a backlog of flights waiting to leave Dublin. We went for lunch while we were waiting. Ben read the newspaper at the table while I sat people-watching. I couldn’t recall a time when Ben had stayed mad at me for this long. Finally, the winds died down and we got word that our flight was ready to board.
I took the envelope back out of my bag after I had taken my seat on the plane. I was so curious to know what was inside it but I had a heavy feeling that it was something big. I knew by Dad’s manner and the way that he had told me to wait until I was at home before opening it, that I should listen to him. Whatever it was, it was important.
Back in Heathrow, Ben hailed a taxi. I was secretly glad we didn’t have to criss-cross London on the train and Tube to get home.
When we arrived at the flat, he left the bags in the hallway and went straight into the kitchen. I followed straight behind him. Pulling back the fridge door, he took out a beer.
“You’re going to have to talk to me sometime, you know?” I said, blocking his path from our galley kitchen back to the sofa.
“Leave it, Kate.”
“You’ve no right getting mad with me – it was your idea to go to Ireland in the first place.”
“You’re so arrogant, do you know that? Your family are all lovely people – I don’t know what I was expecting, to be honest, after everything you’ve told me about them over the years – but it certainly wasn’t to come away not liking my own girlfriend!”
His words stung me to the core. I stood to the side and let him pass. He walked by me, turned on the TV and sat on the sofa with his back to me. I took the envelope that Dad had given me out of my bag and went to our bedroom.
I kicked off my shoes, sat back against the cushions on the bed and studied the outside of the envelope once again. It had a worn look and I guessed that it was originally white but had faded over time. I turned it over and saw that the flap was open. I felt along where the gum should be but the stickiness was long gone as if someone had opened it many times before. I was afraid of what I might find inside. There was something about Dad’s behaviour that made me hesitate.
I didn’t have to open it. Best to let sleeping dogs lie and all that. I briefly thought about throwing it in the bin – I didn’t want any more upset in my life, especially if it was something to do with my family. I’d had enough of that over the weekend and even now I was still putting up with the repercussions of it – I had never known Ben to stay in a huff with me for so long. I knew I could just throw it in the bin now and be none the wiser but I also knew that Dad wouldn’t have given it to me unless it was important. So I took a deep breath and pulled the letter out of the envelope. The paper was neatly folded in half. I opened it up and, as soon as I saw the leaning handwriting, I knew who it was from.
Eva 1992
Chapter 27
We both watched as the test turned positive. Sweet Mother of Divine Jesus, Mary, and all the saints in heaven what was I going to do?
I had just spent the last half an hour convincing Doctor O’Brien that there was no way, no way whatsoever that I could be pregnant. I had sat down opposite him and listed off my symptoms. He had asked me to do a pregnancy test “just as a precaution” but I had laughed and told him there was no way that I was pregnant and not to bother wasting his time.
“It’s a tummy bug, I’m telling you,” I had said.
Because I’d had it for over a week now Noel had talked me into getting it checked out. Never in a million years did I think that I could be pregnant. After three of them. I thought I would have known the symptoms. We were done – our youngest, Seán, was ten years old now, for God’s sake!
“I’m sorry, Doctor, but is there any way – any way at all that these things . . . well, you know . . . can get it wrong sometimes?” I waved my hand at the test, which rested on the desk in front of him.
“I’m afraid not, Eva. There are no false positives.”
I looked at all his medical certs hanging on the white wall behind him, willing him to be wrong. I had been coming to Doctor O’Brien since just after I got married, when I was pregnant with Kate. I had trusted him with my life, especially when Patrick decided to arrive in a hurry and I didn’t have time to get to the hospital – if it wasn’t for Doctor O’Brien, I don’t know what might have happened. I always brought my children to him now as well. He was a man of few words. It was like words cost him money so he chose them carefully and saved whatever was unnecessary. He would often fix his eyes on you, entertaining a long silence as he mulled things over in his head. Sometimes you would wonder if he was even listening but then he would come out with a diagnosis or treatment and you knew he was on the ball once again.
“What am I going to do?”
“Well, there’s not a lot you can do, Eva – there is a baby growing away inside you there whether you like it or not!”
“But I’m almost forty!”
“Yes, it’s obviously a riskier business at this age – the odds of complications go up immeasurably. Down Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome –”
“Jesus, will you stop! I’m barely getting my head around it without worrying about what might come with it!”
“Obviously this has come as a shock to you, Eva, but go home and talk to Noel – you’ll work through it.”
“I’m not so sure,” I mumbled as I rooted around in my handbag to get my purse.
“I’ll see you back here for your check-ups.”
I paid him the money and with that I found myself back outside the door again.
I walked out of the surgery and onto the street in a daze. How had it happened? I was racking my head, trying to think. I thought we had been very careful since we’d had Seán but obviously we were not careful enough. We had purposely had the three of them close in age so that they would all grow up together – ‘steps of the stairs’ people called them. As I walked along I wondered how on earth I was going to break the news to Noel. I felt like a schoolgirl that had gone and got herself into trouble, except that it was my own husband that I was afraid of telling instead of my parents. I was tempted to buy a packet of cigarettes but I had given them up years ago so I knew having one would just make me sick and dizzy. And then there was Mam, what would she think of me having a baby at my age? I walked down the street, locked inside my own thoughts. I passed miserable Mr Acton
the accountant putting the canary-yellow steering-wheel lock on his Mercedes even though it was parked right outside the door of his office, the fool! He wouldn’t spend Christmas, that fella!
I nearly tripped over a dog on a lead as I walked. The owner glared at me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
I didn’t recognise him at all – he was probably a blow-in.
My mind flipped back to Noel then. Things were tight enough already – he was constantly stressed about money. We didn’t earn enough off the farm to raise three children on, especially with Kate in secondary school now and Patrick due to follow her soon. He picked up whatever odd jobs were going around the town – turkey-plucking at Christmas time or getting a few days here and there in the meatpacker’s whenever they were a man short. He had even let out a field last year to another farmer because at least it would be a bit of a steady income for us. It had killed him to break up the small bit of a farm that had been passed down from his own father but he didn’t have much choice.
“Well, how did you get on?” Noel asked as soon as I came in the back door, a gust of wind rushing in behind me.
With force, I shut it closed.
He was sitting at the table, his two hands on either side of the newspaper.
“What? Oh yeah, grand.” I couldn’t tell him yet.
“What does he reckon it is?”
“Oh, it’s some sort of tummy bug.”
“Well, did he give you anything for it?”
“Yeah, just a few tablets,” I lied.
“Did you get the bread?”
“What?”
“Bread – we’re nearly all out – you said you’d pick it up while you were down there?”
“Oh God, sorry, I forgot it.”
“Not to worry – I’ll drive down later. You’re looking very pale – will I put on the kettle?”
“Yeah, thanks, love,” I sighed, sitting down beside him at the table.
“Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”
“Yeah, not a bother.” I forced a smile on my face. Jesus, if he only knew!
Noel headed back out to the fields a while later and I still stayed rooted to my chair. I looked around at the pine kitchen that Noel had made himself. He was good with his hands – give him a piece of wood and you never knew what he would turn it into.
Kate came in from school soon after. The boys would be late today because they had football training after school on a Wednesday. I watched as she arched her back and slid her arms out of the straps of her schoolbag so that the heavy bag plunged on to the kitchen lino.
“How was school, love?”
“Grand.”
She opened up the fridge and stared into it.
“Did you get much homework?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you get the results of your French test back?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you get on?”
“I got a B.”
“Well done.”
She glared at me. “There’s nothing to eat, Mam.”
“Yes, there is – there’s ham and cheese in there – why don’t you make yourself a sandwich?”
“I don’t want a sandwich.”
“Well, what do you want then?” I sighed wearily.
“Pasta.”
“There’s some in the press.”
She put a saucepan of water on the hob to boil. What would Kate say when I told her? I was nearly more scared of telling Kate than Noel – she’d have a conniption. She’d probably be mortified that her parents were still having sex.
“Can I go to Bergin’s on Friday?”
“No way!”
“Why not, Mam? Everyone else is going!”
“I said no – I’m not going over this again. I’ve heard all sorts of things go on in that place and you’re too young – you’re only thirteen.”
“Yeah – but it’s an underage disco.” She said it in a tone that implied I was stupid.
“Kate, I’m not getting in to another argument about it. No means no!”
“For fuck sake, you’re such an auld one!”
“Don’t use that language in this house.”
“What ‘fuck’ or ‘auld one’?” she said as she stormed out of the kitchen, slamming every door she encountered on her way to her bedroom.
Dear God, whoever thinks the terrible twos are bad should wait until they reach the teenage years. Kate had only just entered hers and I desperately wished we could go back to her toddler years again. My lovely daughter had turned into a complete anti-Christ in the last few months.
I walked over to the cooker and turned off the ring. I doubted she’d be back to eat her pasta now.
Patrick and Seán came in together soon after. Both came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek before going to check out the fridge in the same manner as their older sister had. I got up and made them a sandwich each and they ate them before heading down to their room to start their homework. The boys were much more straightforward than Kate – there were no dramas, no fuss – they just did what you told them to do.
Later on at the dinner table Kate breezed in, with no door slamming or shouting. She seemed to have forgotten her earlier strop. I knew that she must want something.
I was passing the bowl of spuds around when she came out with it.
“Can I get a new pair of jeans?”
“You just got a pair in Dunnes a few weeks ago.”
“Exactly!” She sighed. “They’re from Dunnes – I want a pair of Levi’s.”
“Don’t we all? You know we can’t afford them, Kate.”
“Dad, tell her!” she said, turning to Noel.
She always did this, tried to play me off against her father whenever she wasn’t getting her own way with me.
“Well, how much are these Levi’s you’re talking about?”
“Don’t listen to her, Noel – you could buy three pairs of jeans in Dunnes for the price of them.” She was always asking for clothes that she knew well we couldn’t afford. I was sure all her friends were wearing them and it was hard for a teenager not to be keeping up but we just didn’t have the money. Especially now.
“You always go and ruin everything!” She turned to me, her eyes blazing. She pushed back her chair and hopped up from the table, clattering her cutlery off the plate.
“There she goes again!” Patrick said, rolling his eyes.
I had to stifle a laugh.
“Can I have an ice cream, Mam?” Seán asked me.
“Go on.” I was too tired to fight with him.
He jumped up and went over to the freezer.
“Here, give me one and all.” I might as well, I reasoned – I was going to be getting fat anyway.
Chapter 28
“I don’t want to watch the Late Late!”
“Well, don’t watch it then.”
“Well, it’s kinda hard not to, given that we only have one TV.” Kate was forever complaining that her friends had TVs in their bedrooms, kitchens, sitting rooms, loos, garden sheds and God knows wherever else they could put them.
“I bet they’re all there now having fun.”
She was referring to the underage disco in Bergin’s that I wouldn’t let her go to. I pretended that I couldn’t hear her.
“Everyone. As in the whole class. Except me.”
“Will you give it over, Kate?” Noel said at last.
He was normally so mild-mannered that when he did get cross with her, she knew not to push it any further.
We all sat in silence then, watching Gaybo interviewing some singer that I had never heard of.
“Mam, can I go and meet Aidan tomorrow?”
“Well, what homework have you got?”
“Just an essay for Irish.”
“Right, well, you can meet him after you’ve done that.”
Aidan was Kate’s boyfriend. They had been together for a couple of months now, which was serious enough at that age. He seemed like a nice enough fella and
Noel knew his dad too which helped.
I let out another large yawn.
“You’re tired, love,” Noel said.
“Yeah, I think I’ll hit the hay.”
“But it’s only half nine,” Patrick said, more out of fear that he would be sent to bed too rather than concern for me.
Seán was already in bed. He had fallen asleep on the sofa and Noel had lifted him into his bed.
“Yeah, well, it’s been a long day,” I said. “You can stay up for another half an hour and then off to bed with you – do you hear me, Patrick?”
He nodded.
“Night, everyone.”
As I lay in bed I wondered how on earth was I going to break it to Noel? We already had our hands full. And going back to the start again – all the night feeds, sleep deprivation, sterilising bottles, puréeing food and running around after a toddler – the thought of doing all that again was wearisome. And it didn’t help that I kept doing the maths on all the different stages – the latest one to shock me was that I would be nearly sixty when the child would be eighteen!
The next morning I had to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to be sick. I was trying to keep quiet so that I wouldn’t wake the kids.
“Are you okay, Eva?” I turned my head from the toilet bowl and saw him standing in the doorway.
“Sorry, love, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I thought you said that O’Brien gave you something for it?”
“What? Oh yeah. Look, Noel, I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“Best put the kettle on.”
We went quietly down to the kitchen. It was the only quiet time of the day before the three would be up, their noise running and reverberating throughout the house.
The Last Goodbye Page 15