“Sit down there and I’ll make the tea.”
“What is it, Eva? You’re worrying me now . . .”
My hand fidgeted with the seam on my dressing gown, unravelling a loose thread. I pulled at it but it just unwound even more, so I let the thread fall away from between my fingers.
“Wait.”
I quickly made the tea and came back with two mugs and put them down on the table.
“There you are now.”
“Well?”
“Noel . . . when I went to Doctor O’Brien yesterday . . .”
“What is it, Eva – what’s wrong?”
“I’m pregnant, Noel!” I blurted out.
“What?” He moved his chair back from the table with a screech.
“I know.”
“But how?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess we weren’t as careful as we thought.”
“Jesus, Eva!”
“Well, I hardly did it all by myself, now did I!”
“But what are we going to do?”
“What can we do?”
“But starting all over again – just as they’re growing up a bit – things were beginning to get a bit easier. And the money – sure we can barely afford the three that we have!”
“I know, Noel – I know.” I held my head in my hands.
He came over and put his arm around my shoulders.
“How far along are you?”
“I’m not sure – Doctor O’Brien said I should go to the hospital for a scan to confirm.”
“Dear God – I just can’t believe it. Sure I wouldn’t know what to do with a little baby any more.”
“Can you imagine what Kate will say?”
Noel started to laugh then.
“What? It’s hardly funny!”
“I’m just thinking of how she’s going to react – you can expect World War Three.”
I smiled. “We’ll be the talk of the town. People will think we’re at it like rabbits.” I started to laugh then too.
“That’ll be the least of our worries,” he said.
“I’m nearly forty, Noel – when the child is Seán’s age I’ll be heading towards fifty – when it’s getting married I’ll probably be in my seventies.” I groaned. “And, you know, at my age the risks of everything . . . go up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Down Syndrome and things like that.”
“Right. I see . . . look, whatever happens we’ll get through it, Eva.” He took my hand in his. “Granted it’s not ideal but I suppose everything happens for a reason. We’ll get used to the idea.”
“When will we tell the children? I bags not telling Kate!”
“Ah there’s no rush – let’s get our own heads around it first and we can tell them in a few weeks.”
Chapter 29
I was exhausted as the weeks went on. Kate with her ever-increasing demands had me worn out. Patrick and Seán, although easy in comparison to Kate, still required minding and God only knew what would happen when you threw a newborn baby into the mix! I had been tired with the others but never this bad – I suppose it was my age. This was going to be a tough nine months – there was no doubt about it. I had started thinking of all the stuff that we would need. We had nothing – we would be starting from scratch again. Baby equipment, the steriliser, cot and clothes – I had given them all away. Even the toys that the kids had when they were small – I had tidied them up last year and given them to the St Vincent de Paul.
I had told Mam about the pregnancy after I had told Noel. I had to – I knew she would see through me if I tried to keep it a secret – and even she was shocked.
“I thought ye were done!” she’d said.
“So did I . . .”
“Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways – he has given you this child for a reason.”
“Hmmh . . . maybe you’re right.”
“I am.”
“How will we manage though, Mam? Financially things are so tight at the moment and I’m already exhausted, I don’t know how I’ll cope at all.”
“Don’t worry, love, you’ll be grand, you’ll make things stretch. You’ll get through it.”
“I hope so, Mam.”
“And sure I can give you a hand too.”
After talking it through with Mam I started to think that maybe it wasn’t the end of the world after all.
Over the next few weeks I slowly came to accept it. I now started to feel guilty whenever I had negative thoughts. I had been so excited about my three other pregnancies and it wasn’t fair to this little baby to be brought into a world where I wasn’t excited about it as well.
Noel had come round to the idea too.
He arrived in the door with a small crib one evening.
“Where did you get that from?”
“I made it myself.” Redness crept up along his cheeks. “That’s what I’ve been doing in the shed for the last few weeks.”
He had been spending a lot of time in the shed but I’d thought he just needed some space to try to get his head around everything.
I went over and ran my fingers over the smoothness of the bars he had carved in the mahogany wood. The two ends were curved so the baby could be rocked. He had always been very good with his hands. He wasn’t a trained carpenter but he could have been. His finish was always perfect. Tears came to my eyes.
“It’s beautiful, Noel.”
“Ah, sure, it will get us through the first few months anyway.” He was embarrassed by my praise. He never could take a compliment.
“Come here.”
He placed the crib down on the floor and we hugged.
“We’ll be fine, Eva, don’t you worry.” He smoothed back my hair and kissed my forehead. “The more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I’ve got used to the idea. It’ll be nice to have a little one running around the house again. It all went by so fast with the others, so it will be nice to get another chance at it – we might even appreciate it more this time.”
“And the sleepless nights too?” I pulled back in his arms.
“Ah sure, what odds? It’ll keep us young.”
“That’s one way of looking at it, I suppose. Maybe today would be a good time to tell the others?”
“Yeah, why not.” He sighed. “They’ll be on to us soon enough if we don’t.”
We decided to test the water with Patrick and Seán before we tackled Kate.
“You’re just putting it off,” Noel had said.
“No, I’m not – we can’t hide it forever but no point in starting World War Three before we have to.”
“Good point.”
When Patrick and Seán came in from school, I knew we would have an hour before Kate arrived because she normally hung out with Aidan for a while before she came home.
“No time like the present,” I said, catching Noel’s eye.
We went down to the sitting room where they had turned on the TV.
I took a deep breath. “Boys, Dad and I would like to talk to you for a few minutes – we have something we need to tell you.”
Noel walked over and switched off the TV.
“Hey, Dad, I was watching that!” Seán said.
“What is it?” Patrick asked.
“Your mother and I – well, we’re having another baby.”
“Is that it?” Seán asked, obviously wondering what all the fuss was about.
“Really, Mam?” Patrick said, looking at me. “You don’t have a bump.”
“Well, that’s because it’s still quite early on. The bump doesn’t come until the baby gets a bit bigger.”
“Well, that’s going to be weird,” he said. “Having a little baby in the house.”
“Tell me about it!” I said.
“Can we watch TV now, please?” Seán asked.
“Yeah, of course,” I said. “So you’re okay with it then?”
“Yeah, I suppose so,” Patrick said.
We left them at it and
went back down to the kitchen.
“Well, that was easy,” I said to Noel.
“Yeah, it went much better than I thought.”
“Maybe Kate won’t take it so badly after all, what do you reckon?”
“Yeah, maybe we’re making a bigger deal of this than it actually is.”
Of course we spoke too soon. We waited until the boys were in bed before telling Kate. We were all seated in the sitting room having a cup of tea with a packet of custard creams.
“We have some news for you, Kate,” Noel said.
“What – you’re finally letting me go to Bergin’s?” She looked up at us, her eyes wide with excitement.
“Eh, no . . . something we need to talk about.”
“Well, it better not be ‘the talk’ again – let’s save us all the embarrassment of doing that again!”
I almost started to laugh. Oh the irony – maybe we should have paid more attention ourselves when we had been teaching her the facts of life.
“Look, Kate, we’re going to have . . .” I said.
“Have what?”
“A baby.”
“A baby?”
No screaming, no hysteria. We were doing well, I thought.
“Who is?” She looked from me to Noel and then back to me again.
“Myself and your mother, of course!” said Noel.
“No way! You can’t do this to me!”
“To you? It’s me that’s pregnant –”
“You can’t, Mam – I’ll be the laughing stock of the school. Please say you’re only joking!” She looked at us desperately. “Oh my God, you’re actually serious, aren’t you?”
We both nodded.
“Jesus Fucking Christ, how can you two be so stupid?”
“Watch your language, Kate!” Noel said. “Look, it’s come as a shock to us as well but these things happen.”
“No, they don’t – at your age, Mam? What are you two even doing still having sex?” She looked at us in disgust and it felt like Noel and I were the school kids and she was the adult.
“Now, Kate – calm down,” Noel said. “I know it’s not easy on you to hear this – it’s taken myself and your mother a while to get our heads around it as well but it’s happening so you’re just going to have to accept it.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. Oh my God. Oh my God!”
“Kate, what other choice do we have?” I said. “I know it’s a shock but you’ll get used to it.”
“No, I won’t!” she screamed. “Never!”
“C’mon, Kate, please just calm down,” Noel said.
“Well, thanks very much, because you’ve just ruined my life!”
“Kate, it’s hardly going to ruin your life – stop being melodramatic!” I said.
“You disgust me!” she spat, before storming down to her bedroom.
The vibrations of the slamming door reverberated around the house.
“That went well then,” I said.
“She’ll come round.”
Although it hadn’t gone great, it was a relief to finally have it out in the open.
“I’m not so sure,” I said. “You know what Kate is like – she can hold a grudge for months. It’s a pity it isn’t a subject in school because she’d excel at it.”
“She’s a teenager – the world revolves around her. She’ll stew for a while but, wait and see, when the baby is born she’ll be a great help, I bet.”
“I wouldn’t count on it.” Then I laughed. “I can’t believe she really thinks we don’t have sex any more!”
“No one wants to think of their parents having sex.”
“If only she knew.” I dipped my biscuit into the tea and gave Noel a wink.
Chapter 30
Doctor O’Brien had arranged a dating scan for me in the hospital. I hadn’t really had scans with the others – well, I’d had one with Seán towards the end but that was only because they thought he was measuring quite big. Nowadays it seemed I would be scanned quite regularly. Things had moved on.
I left Noel at home on the farm on the day – I didn’t know how long I was going to be and it was a busy time of the year for him with the lambing.
I took the car and set off for the hospital. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I was looking forward to knowing when the baby was due for a start – it was a bit odd being pregnant and not knowing what stage you were at. My tummy was starting to push forward so I wondered if I was further along than I thought?
I went to the desk to check in and then took a seat. I sat with my file until a nurse called me into a small room to check over my medical history. I told her my age and she asked me about my previous pregnancies and deliveries.
“So I’d say this came as a surprise then?”
“It sure did.”
“Well, don’t be worrying – you’ve been through it all before – it hasn’t changed that much since the last time.” She smiled kindly and I felt at ease then. She handed me a sample jar and showed me a toilet where I could give a urine sample.
“I thought by this stage you’d have some high-fallutin’ way of doing this, instead of dealing with the dipsticks still?”
“Nope – see, I told you, nothing has changed that much. I bet it’s all coming back to you now.”
She checked my urine. “That all looks good, Eva. Now I just want to take some bloods to be tested in the lab.”
I pulled up my sleeve and waited for her to put a strap above my elbow. I pumped my fist like she told me to do and waited to feel the needle. I always felt the wait was worse than the pinch of the needle itself.
“There, all done now. If you can take a seat outside there and wait for your name to be called?”
I sat down again on the hard-backed plastic chair. I felt ancient as I looked around at the other women in the waiting room. All around me were young women in their prime, at the right age for having children, not auld ones like me. I felt out of place. I sat with my arms folded, resting on top of my handbag. Even my bag looked old-fashioned and dowdy compared to the stylish leather bags that the girls seated all around me had. Most of them had their partners with them too – when I was pregnant before, partners never came to the check-ups. Noel hadn’t even been at Kate or Patrick’s births but he had been at Seán’s. Things were just beginning to change around that time and men were just starting to go into the delivery room.
I felt like everyone was staring at me, wondering what I was doing there. I knew I was probably just being paranoid.
Finally my name was called and my dowdy bag and I went into the tiny cubicle where the scanning apparatus was.
“Eva Flynn?” the man said, checking my file. He flicked through it and stopped to read the referral from Doctor O’Brien. He had a long angular face and his glasses were perched at the end of his nose. “Right then, so you’re here for a dating scan, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“My name is John. I’m a radiographer here. Okay so, if you could climb up on to the bed there, please.”
I lay back on the couch and pulled up my top and even though I was sure he saw it every day, I felt embarrassed by my flabby tummy and the remnants of faded silvery stretch marks from the other three in front of this young guy.
He squirted some cool gel onto my tummy and then ran the probe over it.
He was quiet for a while before he started to speak. He zoomed in on various bits.
“Here is the little heart beating away – the four chambers all look good.” He moved onto another part. “Yes, brain looks fine. Judging from the measurements here I would estimate that you are nearly twelve weeks along, Eva.”
“Twelve weeks! I got a few bonus weeks in there – that’s great!” I hadn’t expected to be so far along.
Then he zoomed out again and moved to the baby’s limbs. He held the probe on one part and tilted his head to the side as if deep in concentration.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
/> He had been quiet for too long. Dear God, I hoped he hadn’t found something – the risks I had been warned about flashed through my mind. Down Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome and I can’t remember how many other syndromes Doctor O’Brien had warned me about. Or what if it was twins? We’d never cope with that!
He seemed to be measuring something on the screen. He would drag the probe across and take a measurement and do the same back on the other side.
“Have you been experiencing any extra pain or discomfort lately?”
“Well, I’m pregnant, so yeah – look, do you mind telling me what’s wrong?”
“It looks like you may have an adnexal mass on your right ovary. Now it might be nothing but we need to keep an eye on it.”
“An ad-what?”
“It’s a growth that arises from the uterus or Fallopian tube.”
“Oh, is that all?” I let out a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to tell me there was something wrong with the baby!”
“Hmmh.”
“So what does that mean in normal English?”
“Well, it’s hard to say just yet without a biopsy. Usually these things are benign cysts but I would like to get a second opinion. These machines aren’t the best. I’m going to refer you on to my colleague Gareth O’Keeffe for a more detailed examination. Now, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about but it’s best to get these things checked.”
“But otherwise all looks good?” I said.
“Yes, the baby seems fine.”
I went back out again and made arrangements to see Gareth O’Keeffe.
Then I decided to treat myself to a cup of tea and a sticky bun in the hospital coffee shop. I smiled at the black-and-white scan photo that the doctor had given me. It still didn’t look like a baby yet, more like a jellybean, but I was excited. I tried to make out his scrawly handwriting in my chart but I couldn’t make head or tail of it. I was annoyed with myself for not asking more questions. But there was no point in tormenting myself, wondering what it all meant. The appointment he had set up for me was the following week so at least things would be clearer soon enough.
When I went home and told Noel he just asked more questions.
The Last Goodbye Page 16