We've Only Just Begun

by Kathleen Ball

  She stretched to get rid of some of the tension building inside of her. She needed to get out of the wagon but she couldn’t, not with the other people being so hostile. It was good to see Smitty motioning for her to come out, though. When he offered his hand, she took it and was glad of his assistance in getting her down. “Thank you.”

  “I’m not sure if you heard what went on, but you need to stay with the wagon,” he told her.

  “I heard every word. I’ll abide by the rules. Is that a river I hear?” She asked.

  “Straight through those bushes but don’t go near it for now. Most of the folks are headed there to bathe and the like. How’s Clancy?”

  Despair choked her, making speaking difficult. “Worse, and I fear he may die.”

  Smitty nodded and grabbed a crate from the wagon. “Here, sit in the fresh air for a bit. I don’t think anyone will bother you.”

  “You’ve been so kind to us, Smitty. I appreciate it.” She tried to summon a smile but it wasn’t possible.

  Smitty’s face turned bright red. “You just sit for a spell, and I’ll have some food for you soon.”

  It felt nice to sit in the open air. She waited for Smitty to leave before she allowed tears to fall. Seeing Jed come back from tending the oxen, she hurriedly wiped her tears away. He didn’t need to see her cry.

  “It’ll be just fine, Susan,” he said. “How’s Clancy?”

  “Not good. We’ll probably know by morning if he’ll live. It makes me so mad. Why didn’t he listen? Why did he drink that awful, foul water? It makes no sense.”

  Jed nodded. “I wish I had an answer for you.”

  “Go, get some coffee and relax. You put in a full day driving.” She couldn’t keep her voice from breaking.

  “I should stay.”

  “No, please, Jed. I’d like to be alone for a bit if you don’t mind.”

  He hesitated as he gazed at her and nodded. “I’ll be back to check on you.”

  Tears threatened again, so she just nodded, and as soon as he was out of sight she had a good cry. But she only allowed herself to cry for a few minutes. She had too much to do. Now that there was plenty of water she needed to bathe Clancy again, wash his bedding and bathe herself.

  She poured a good amount of water into the basin, set it in the wagon, and then carefully got back in. Clancy had his faults but he didn’t deserve to die like this. Bathing him might be futile but it was the least she could do for him. His body had changed in just a day. He looked bluish and so sunk in. It was almost as if he’d shriveled.

  He was out of it and didn’t recognize her. He called for his mother, and Susan answered him. It seemed to bring him a sense of peace. She was able to put the last of the clean bedding under him. It wouldn’t be long before those, too, became soiled.

  After gathering all that needed to be washed, she jumped down from the wagon and made a fire. She’d need hot water to clean his things. She dragged the washtub out of the wagon and began to heat the rest of her water. It would have to do until she could go and get more. Someone had changed out the water barrel with a clean, filled one.

  It was a good bet it was either the Todd brothers or Smitty. They’d all been so kind to her. They made her feel worthy again. It was a part of her that had been stripped from her by her family and the people of her town. Even through tragedy she was healing.

  After she poured hot water into the tub, she let the clothes soak for a bit. It was going to take a lot of lye soap to get any of it clean again. It wasn’t an easy job, the hot water burned her hands and the lye soap stung leaving her hands raw, but she got it done. She hung the wet things on the tree branches and bushes around her.

  The sounds of laughter and happy cries drifted from the river, and Susan knew the women and children were taking a turn bathing. She’d ask someone to refill her water, and then she’d be able to get clean. Next, she checked on Clancy again. Her gut clenched at his harsh and labored breathing. The end was nearing. She’d known deep down he’d die, but she’d hoped and hoped.

  As promised, Smitty came by with food and coffee. He didn’t have time to stay, but the Motts came and sat with her around her fire. They did their best to be cheery, but Susan was so tired she couldn’t keep her eyes open.

  “I’m so very grateful for the way you have both stood by me. You have from the very beginning, and it means so much to me.” Susan took a deep breath and willed her eyes to remain tearless. There would be plenty of time to cry later.

  “You’ve become very dear to us.” Savanna stood and gave Susan’s hand a quick squeeze. “We’ll check on you in the morning.”

  Clarke nodded. “You get some rest.”

  She nodded as she watched them walk back into the wagon circle, leaving her with only the lazy chirp of crickets. The sun was setting, and it would soon be dark. She watched as pink and purple hues took over the sky until the sun was gone. She finished eating and tidied up the campsite. It was time to go and check on Clancy.

  She sat down next to him and wiped his brow. His face contorted in pain, and then he breathed his last breath. Her shoulders sagged as he lay ever so still. Before she had a chance to weep she felt the wagon move from side to side. Turning around she saw Mike climb in.

  He took one look at Clancy and gave her a sad smile. “Grab some things. I’m taking you to the river. I’ll be right back.” He climbed back out.

  Numbly she placed a cloth over Clancy’s face, and then she grabbed soap, a towel, her nightgown, and a wrap. People would think her scandalous bringing her nightgown but she was beyond caring. She took her things and waited outside the wagon. It was warm out, but her body felt chilled to the bone. What about Mike’s rule of no single females? It probably didn’t apply to her, now that she was a widow.

  A widow. The words echoed in her mind. How did she ever get to be here? One’s life could change at any moment. If there was any lesson to be learned from the last few months it was that. Hold dear to what you have. You could lose it all in a heartbeat.

  Mike walked into the firelight and held out his hand. She grasped it as a lifeline and let him lead her to the river. As attentive as he was, he’d make a woman a good husband someday if he ever settled down. She could feel his strength in his touch.

  He stopped by the river and peered into her face. “You seem troubled. I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away.”

  The moon wasn’t full, but it gave off enough light to see his earnest expression. She felt so full of doubt. What would her future hold? “Thank you for caring.”

  “Of course. We’re friends. I wouldn’t leave you to the mercy of the camp’s naysayers. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you don’t deserve anything but kindness and the highest regard. Now I’ll turn my back and you take a swim.”

  He turned his back before she had a chance to nod her head. Tears flowed, and she didn’t even try to stop them. She undressed, grabbed her soap, and walked into the river. It was cool, she supposed but it didn’t feel cold to her chilled body. It felt so good to wash herself. She even sighed as she washed her hair. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks and drip into the water below. She’d lost so many people of late. It didn’t seem fair.

  She wished she could stay in the water, but she made it short. Mike was taking time out of his night to help her. She wouldn’t keep him any longer than necessary. She emerged from the river, quickly dried herself off, and put her nightgown on. Then she pulled her wrap around her and grabbed her things.

  “I’m done. Thank you so much. It felt wonderful.” She tried to smile at him when he turned, but the concern in his blue eyes was too much. She began to weep again.

  Mike reached down and lifted her up. He then sat down on a felled log with her on his lap and held her while she cried. His strong arms around her gave her the strength to stop crying. She laid her head on his broad shoulders and breathed in his scent. He smelled like leather and soap. She gave herself one more final moment to make a memory of the
embrace. Feeling safe and liked was something she wanted to hold on to.

  “We should go, Mike. Thank you for everything.” She stood and straightened her gown. She waited for him to stand before she started back. Without his arms around her, the world seemed daunting.

  She was surprised to see so much activity at her wagon. Clancy had been wrapped and removed. A grave was dug not too far away. Natalie was on her hands and knees washing the wagon floor. The sides of the canvas were pulled up to air the wagon out. She wasn’t without friends. From the look of it, she had all she needed. Wearing her nightgown made her feel strange as though she’d been doing something she hadn’t.

  Savanna led her to her stool by the fire and handed her a cup of tea. “Warm yourself.”

  “But I should be the one to clean the wagon.”

  “You’ve done so much already, my dear,” Savanna said. “Let us help you. We wanted to help with Clancy, but it wasn’t allowed. We would have been asked to leave the train. So here we are. You relax.”

  Susan looked for Mike but there was no sight of him. She watched as Jed, Eli and Smitty laid Clancy in the ground. “They’ll say some words tomorrow,” Savanna said. “With it being cholera and all…”

  Numbly she nodded and stared at his body as it was covered with dirt.

  “Burn the wagon!”

  She snapped out of her musings and looked to see who was talking. It was Elton Sugarton. It figures. Do they live to stir up trouble? She stood and put her hands on her hips. “They’ll be no burning of my wagon.”

  “Your wagon? I thought you left your husband.” Elton sneered.

  Trudy stepped forward. “He told us all about you and how you refused to do your wifely duty. You should be ashamed of yourself. He suffered because of you!”

  Susan’s face burned. “How dare you speak about private affairs. It is none of your business. Now please leave.”

  Trudy laughed. “Not so private. He told anyone who would listen. If the wagon belongs to anyone it belongs to Nellie Walton. She spent plenty of time with Clancy.”

  “I see,” Susan said, but she didn’t see, she didn’t understand.

  “Nellie could be carrying his babe for all we know!” Trudy shouted.

  Feeling faint, Susan sat back down. Her shoulders slouched under all the weight that had just been heaped upon them, but she immediately sat up straight and hoped she looked like the queen of England when she lifted her chin. “I don’t care what you think you may know or what Clancy may have said. It’s not your business anymore.”

  Elton took a step forward. “The wagon still burns. It contains sickness!”

  Natalie jumped down out of the wagon, wiped her hair out of her face and glared at Elton. “You are a fool Mr. Sugarton! Clancy was sick from the water he drank. He was told not to but he did anyway. I’m almost done scrubbing the wagon down, and if I believed there was any type of sickness, believe me, I wouldn’t be here. I have a daughter to think about. So, unless you have intentions of helping Susan, I’d suggest you go back to your own wagon.”

  Everyone was quiet. Natalie was more of a mild-mannered type of person, and it was so out of character for her to yell that everyone seemed stunned.

  Bart Bigalow held his hand up. “I’ll buy the wagon from Mrs. Willis. How ‘bout it, Susan? You’ll get money and we can burn the wagon before we leave tomorrow.”

  Susan sized up big, bad, Bart Bigalow. There was something in it for him, though she couldn’t see how. “Thank you for the offer, but the wagon belongs to me, and it will stay mine as I drive it to Oregon.” She stared daggers at Bart. But her stare wasn’t enough to wilt his evil grin.

  She felt warmth behind her and immediately knew it was Mike. Her heart stopped beating in fear. The crowd was starting to turn ugly. Taking a deep breath she began to calm.

  Mike squelched the urge to punch a few people in the face. Troublemakers, every one of them. He stared at each person until they looked away even Nellie Walton. He’d heard most of what had been said as he’d walked to the wagon. If Nellie was indeed carrying, it was her father’s problem. She had no claim here.

  “Time to call it a night folks. Go on back to your wagons. If you want to pay your respects we’ll say a few words over Clancy’s grave tomorrow. Good night.” His tone of voice invited no answer. It was a blessing to see them all turn and leave. He really didn’t want to get into a fight but he wouldn’t shy away either.

  He turned to Susan. Her eyes were filled with admiration, and he felt ten feet tall. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “Don’t you worry. It’ll all work out. I’ll get you to Oregon, and you can start a new life.” He wanted to take his words back. He wanted to take her into his arms, hold her, and never let her go. She filled his heart, and he had a feeling he’d end up with a big, ole heartache. Every time he gazed upon her he was a goner. It wasn’t just because she was beautiful or that she smiled back at him. It was because of her inner light that shone through in everything she did. She seemed to brighten the whole world when she was around. He’d tried to puzzle out what it was exactly, but it wasn’t just one thing. There was something special to everything about her.

  “Are you alright? They were becoming a bit demanding.”

  “A bit?” She turned and nodded toward all of her friends. “I have the greatest friends on earth. I wasn’t frightened because of them. I’m more outraged that those people think they can tell me what to do. What did they mean about Nellie? I saw her at the wagon talking to Clancy a few times but…”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Mike said “Why don’t you sleep with Natalie and Lily tonight?”

  “No, I’m not leaving the wagon. They might burn it.”

  She had guts. “Fine, I’ll sleep under it and make sure you’re safe,” he told her.

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she whispered as she blushed.

  “It’ll be fine. We’re friends and I don’t want anything to happen to you. You won’t even know I’m there.”

  Later, as he lay beneath her wagon his words came back to haunt him. He wished he didn’t know she was there, mere feet from him. He heard her sniffle, and knew she was crying. She’d been through the wringer taking care of Clancy and facing down the crowd. He groaned as he turned over. All he wanted to do was hop in the wagon and hold her. But who was he fooling? Holding her would never be enough.

  He rolled over again and sighed. He’d have to find some way to forget her. He couldn’t think of her in that way. He wasn’t ready to get married. He still had Eli and Jed to take care of. The three of them needed to stick together no matter what, and marrying would mean staying in Oregon. He shuddered.

  They’d always planned to settle down on their land but not anytime soon. They’d finished building their house two years ago, and they had some cattle but they always ended up heading back east to guide more people to Oregon. The money was good, and it was something they did well together. Maybe in a few years. What would Susan be doing in a few years? Would she be married with children? It was just as well he’d be away as it would be hard to see Susan with a man she loved. Very hard.

  From the sound of it, she wasn’t getting much sleep in the wagon. She tossed and turned almost as much as he. Even though she didn’t love Clancy, she probably mourned his passing. She was a widow now. Hopefully, she wouldn’t draw all the unmarried men to her. It wasn’t something she did on purpose. But he’d seen the look in many a man’s eye when they gazed at her.

  He heard the changing of the guards and decided to get up. There was no sense in thinking about what couldn’t be anymore, and he wasn’t one to feel sorry for himself. He and his brothers always dusted themselves off and kept going. Their father had been like that too. He started to roll out when he saw big feet at the end of the wagon.

  Quicker than a rattler could strike, Mike was out of his spot. He raised his gun. “Hold it right there!”

  Big Bart looked in Mike’s direction and took a step back. He raised h
is hands in the air. “I was just checkin’ on the widow. I was hoping she’d changed her mind about sellin’ the wagon.”

  “Do you usually conduct business in the wee hours of the morning?” Mike heard a rifle being cocked and he knew Smitty stood behind him.

  Big Bart dropped his hands. “I couldn’t sleep. I figured if she’d sell I could get her stuff put into the Lewis wagon for her. I was just trying to be helpful is all.” His stare was long and steady.

  “It’s best you leave. Mrs. Willis needs her sleep. She already told you she isn’t selling. I don’t want you bothering her about it again.”

  Bart spit on the ground. “She could still change her mind. I’ll mosey on. No harm done.” Bart walked back the way he came leaving Mike with a feeling of unease.

  “You’d best keep your eye on that one,” Smitty said.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m going to get Susan’s fire going. I won’t be able to sleep.”

  “Have at it, Mike. She’s going to need her friends in the coming days.” Smitty made his way back to the wagon circle.

  “He frightens me,” Susan whispered to him from the back of the wagon.

  “Well, he’s not the most likable fella. Try to get some sleep; it’s going to be a long day. I’ll have Jed drive your wagon.”

  She poked her head out. “You most certainly will not. I’m able to drive my own wagon, thank you very much.”

  “But—”

  “Mike, listen. Folks already think you do me too many favors. I don’t want them coming after me with pitchforks. I know that you’ll be watching out for me. I’ll be just fine.” She withdrew back behind the canvas.

  Mike sighed. She was probably right but he couldn’t help but worry.

  Chapter Seven

  The days spent traveling along the Platte River were good days. There was plenty of water, plenty of fresh meat, and they even had fish. People were too busy washing clothes and enjoying their bounty to bother with her. It was a nice reprieve. Very nice indeed. Susan tied her bonnet on and was ready for the signal to start the day.