A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “I remembered it from my rumspringa days.” Sandra chuckled. “One of the Englisha girls said that one evening when her boyfriend had ended their relationship. It sort of spilled out right now, I guess.”

  “What made you think of those awful days?” Edna asked.

  “Lydia and I…” Sandra stopped. “Let’s say the subject came up.”

  Thankfully, Edna turned her attention back to Mamm. “So, that takes care of the cooks, and…”

  Lydia leaned toward Sandra and whispered, “Thanks for covering for me. I really didn’t want the conversation to go there.”

  Sandra whispered back, “We’ll make it through this time hand in hand. And here’s to my great success with Ezra. So help me, Lord.”

  Lydia tried to laugh, but the sound died in her throat. This was serious business, and they both knew it.

  For the next hour, the four of them plotted out the wedding arrangements. Who would do what, and when it would be done. Finally, Edna gathered up her notebook and pens. “Well, Sandra, I think we’d best be going.”

  Lydia smiled and hurried to open the front door for them. Sandra walked out with her mamm in tow and gave a little wave as she crossed the lawn. Lydia’s mamm came up to stand beside her until Sandra and Edna had driven their buggy out of the lane.

  “That poor woman,” Mamm muttered. “I can’t imagine having to marry so soon after losing a husband. The Lord knows I couldn’t do it—that’s all I can say.”

  “Edna seems to be taking it well,” Lydia said.

  “Better than I would.” Mamm turned to go inside. “The truth is, she mourns Emil more than she worries about her future with Amos.”

  Lydia continued to follow the speck of the buggy as it faded into the distance. A strange feeling crept over her, as if something else also had drifted from sight.

  “How is Sandra doing?” Mamm asked when they were back inside.

  Lydia jumped. “Okay, I guess. She’s worried, of course, about what will happen once Edna and Amos marry.” Lydia pasted on a smile. “But Sandra’s keeping up her spirits.”

  What else was she to say? Sandra had kept her secrets tonight, so she shouldn’t spill all of Sandra’s worries.

  “We can pray for them,” Mamm said, seemingly lost in her thoughts. “Now I’m going to join your daett for some much-needed sleep. I suggest you go to bed yourself and tell Emma and Rhoda it’s bedtime, even if they are on their rumspringa.”

  “I’ll do that,” Lydia said, then slipped up the stairs.

  Her sisters’ room was dark when she arrived at the top of the landing. Lydia shrugged and went straight to her bedroom door. For once, Emma and Rhoda had retired at a decent time. She prepared for the night and slipped under the quilt, but sleep didn’t come for a long time.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The next two weeks until Mamm’s wedding day passed quickly. Sandra woke before dawn and climbed out of bed to peek past the bedroom window drapes. The stars twinkled overhead in a clear night sky. To Sandra, that didn’t seem right. There should be a storm raging outside by all rights, Sandra told herself. A storm would have better reflected her feelings about what was about to happen.

  Mamm, on the other hand, had accepted her lot quite well. She already looked at Amos with deference and had obeyed his slightest wish while they awaited this day. Which was understandable in a way. Amos had paid for all the expenses, but Mamm’s acceptance of him seemed to go deeper. Mamm had made a place in her heart for Amos, and today he would become her husband. The Troyers’ home would contain only Mark and her tonight.

  At the Helmuth home Mamm would be alone with Amos for two weeks, while Clyde would catch a ride back to the old community in Ohio for a visit with relatives. Mamm was already adjusting well to her new life. There was no question about that.

  Sandra was the one who couldn’t change. She pushed the thought out of her mind. Today could be the last chance to reach Ezra. She had to make the most of it.

  Sandra turned away from the window and lit the kerosene lamp. By its flickering light she changed into an everyday dress. There was breakfast to prepare. Only after the table had been cleaned and the dishes washed could she change into her wedding clothes—including a new dress in a color she would not have chosen. Amos had made the choice for the table waiters.

  Mamm’s voice had been firm. “That’s what Amos wants.”

  That sentence would likely be on Mamm’s lips for the rest of her life. The thought was bitter, and Sandra grimaced. She must learn to like her new stepfather, difficult as that was, even if the drab blue dress she would wear today wasn’t anything like what a Troyer would have chosen.

  The happy days when she and Lydia had competed with each other over who could wear the best new Sunday outfit, seemed years ago. Those days were long gone. Today, though, they would be equals again on one point. Lydia would have on a new dress made from the identical blue material.

  Things might go so much easier after today, if Ezra would come to his senses and ask her home on a date. She could live at Amos’s place with Mamm, and Clyde wouldn’t bother her if everyone knew she was dating the handsome Ezra Wagler. Ezra would drive her home every Sunday evening, and they could plan their wedding for the end of next year at the latest.

  It was a dream, she knew, but dreams were made to catch, Sandra told herself. She took a deep breath. She could do this, and it would all be worth it. Ezra wasn’t like Amos or Clyde. She could talk sense to Ezra. He would listen to a woman’s wishes when she planned her wedding day. Ezra wasn’t impossible like Amos. Not in the least.

  Sandra left her bedroom and went downstairs with the kerosene lamp in one hand. Amos was already in the living room when she stepped out of the stairwell. He looked up from the couch with a big grin on his face. “Goot morning, Sandra.”

  “When did you get here?” Sandra snapped.

  “You’re a sleepyhead.” Amos’s grin grew wider. “I drove in thirty minutes ago. I figured we couldn’t leave anything to chance on your Mamm’s wedding day.”

  You just want to run everything, Sandra almost said, but she held her tongue.

  “I’ll fix breakfast,” Sandra said instead. “Mamm shouldn’t be working this morning.”

  “That’s sounds goot to me,” Amos agreed. “But I doubt if you’ll talk Edna out of going above and beyond her duties. She’s a godly woman, Sandra.”

  Unlike me? Sandra clamped her mouth shut before the words came out, then hurried off to the kitchen.

  “Clyde will be here soon,” Amos called after her.

  Sandra ignored him to greet Mamm with a soft, “You shouldn’t be in here on your wedding morning, Mamm. I can make breakfast.”

  Mamm looked up with a weary smile. “Amos came early and he’s hungry.”

  “I can take over now,” Sandra insisted.

  “And what am I supposed to do?” Mamm asked. “Talk with Amos? We already have our plans made for the day.”

  “He shouldn’t even be here,” Sandra whispered.

  Mamm shook her head. “Sandra, I know this is all a little unusual, but we must trust the Lord knows what’s best.”

  “Oh, Mamm!” Sandra wrapped her in a tight hug. “How did this all happen?”

  “Life is in the Lord’s hands and we must trust Him,” Mamm repeated. “Amos has a goot heart. He’s had pity on me and my situation. What more can I ask?”

  To not marry the man! The protest died on Sandra’s lips. She must not make Mamm’s wedding worse than it already was. Mamm needed her support and comfort.

  “Amos will take care of you too.” Mamm laid her hand on Sandra’s arm. “And you can come live with us in a few weeks.”

  Sandra pulled away. “Please, Mamm. I still have my heart set on Ezra Wagler.”

  Mamm reached up to touch Sandra’s face. “Amos says your spirit needs taming, and I’m thinking that maybe he’s right.”

  The man knows nothing about me! Sandra managed to keep the sharp retort quiet.

&nb
sp; But a sorrowful look still crossed Mamm’s face. “Amos knows of your unwanted pursuit of Ezra—or rather, yours and Lydia’s.”

  Sandra smiled. “The whole community knows, Mamm. And Lydia’s not involved anymore.”

  “Amos still disapproves,” Mamm said.

  “So what?” The words burst out of Sandra’s mouth this time.

  “I heard that,” Amos called from the living room. “You shouldn’t speak to your mamm with such strong words.”

  At least Amos hadn’t heard the preceding comment. Sandra shut her mouth again and busied herself with the bacon pan on the stove. Let Amos and Mamm think what they wished, but she would continue pursuing Ezra—especially today. Mamm should be on her side, instead of Amos’s. The lack of support from her mamm hurt.

  Silence settled between them until a buggy came into the driveway. Sandra stayed in the kitchen while Mamm went to answer the front door.

  “Goot morning,” Mamm’s cheerful voice called out.

  “And goot morning to you, Mamm,” Clyde answered.

  Sandra jerked her head up. Clyde had dared to call her mamm, Mamm. Even before the marriage vows were said. And Amos had invited Clyde over for breakfast. The nerve of both of them!

  Sandra gave the bacon in the pan a quick shake, and bacon grease spilled on the counter. Black smoke poured from the oven top. Now she had that mess to clean up, and Clyde would no doubt walk in at any moment. He was bold enough. But Sandra jumped when Mamm instead appeared at her side. “What happened, dear? You seem as nervous as I am.”

  Sandra ignored the question.

  “I’ll clean it up before Amos sees,” Mamm ordered. “Go get Mark up. We have to eat before anyone else arrives.”

  Then call up the stairs, Sandra almost said, but Mamm had never called up the stairs to awaken them in the morning. That had been Daett’s job. A pain shot through Sandra, but she managed to whisper, “I’ll be right back, then.”

  “Goot morning to you,” Clyde sang out when Sandra went through the living room.

  She didn’t answer, hurrying upstairs with the kerosene lamp in one hand. From the looks of things, Clyde would disturb her all day. He was also a table waiter and had been paired with his cousin from Ohio. Why Clyde had chosen his cousin Mamm hadn’t explained, but perhaps Clyde wanted to make sure no one thought he had a girlfriend. Clyde was serious about Sandra. There was no question about that. Which was all the more reason she must move Ezra off his no-action position and soon. Even today.

  Sandra stopped to knock on Mark’s bedroom door. “Time to get up, sleepyhead. Breakfast is ready.”

  “Come in,” Mark answered. “I want to speak with you.”

  Sandra cracked open the door and held the kerosene lamp off to the side. Mark had propped himself up on one elbow with Mamm’s Texas Star quilt draped over himself.

  “What is it?” Sandra asked.

  Mark squinted in the low light. “You know that today changes everything for us.”

  “Yah.” Sandra took a deep breath. “You don’t have to remind me.”

  Mark regarded Sandra with one eye closed. “I hate to be the breaker of bad news, but you should know that Amos and Clyde have been quite plain in their opinions about how you and Lydia act or used to act around Ezra.”

  “Ezra always enjoyed our attentions.” Sandra stood up straight. “And we haven’t done anything wrong.”

  Mark swung his legs out on the floor. “Maybe so, but things are different now. I’m afraid you aren’t adjusting.”

  Sandra glared at her brother. “How can you just accept Amos and Clyde like that? They’ve waltzed into our lives and taken over.”

  “They’ve helped us when no one else could,” Mark chided. “You know the church can’t go on supporting us the way they have been. Not for months and months. And I have my own life to live. You should be grateful, Sandra, instead of sharpening that tongue of yours on Clyde and Amos.”

  “And I suppose my heart has no say in the matter,” Sandra snapped.

  Mark glared back. “The heart of a woman can change to fit the circumstances. I’m letting you know, Sandra, that I’m not supporting you once I marry. I plan to find another farm soon and move out on my own. When that happens I’ll barely be able to make it financially for myself and my new frau—let alone for you.”

  “You have to have some patience, Mark.” Sandra softened her tone in spite of the panic welling up inside of her.

  “Of course, I’ll be patient.” A look of tenderness crossed Mark’s face. “But things are what they are. And I think you respect me enough to remember what I said. You can’t live off of me after the wedding when I can’t afford it.”

  Sandra shifted the lamp to her other hand. “Then I’ll get a job. I’ll clean. I’ll cook for people. Something!”

  Mark didn’t look impressed. “That’s harder than you think. And you can’t stay forever at my place after I’m wed—even if you have a job. I’m just making that clear so you have time to plan ahead.” Mark tilted his head. “And just in case you think Amos is completely heartless, he has offered to support you while you continue to live with me—that is, if you and Clyde are making your wedding plans in the meantime.”

  Sandra tried to speak but choked and fled. She wanted to scream and hear the sound echo through the whole house. Not since she had been a five-year-old had she given in to a temper tantrum. That time Daett had taken her out behind the woodshed for a spanking. She could still see the disapproval in his face and the disappointment in his voice. There had been no more meltdowns since. Mature people didn’t have such reactions to life’s events. And what if Daett was looking down today from the other side? She must control herself.

  But, oh, if only Daett were here! He would be on her side. Daett wouldn’t want her to marry Clyde. Daett wouldn’t want her to follow Mamm’s example and marry for convenience rather than love. Sandra paused at the top of the stair landing. Surely Daett wouldn’t object if she tried again to win Ezra’s affections. Daett would give her support. She had to believe he would. She had to keep up her courage.

  Sandra held the lamp high and tiptoed down the stairs. She wiped the tears away and pasted on a bright smile before she stepped out of the stairwell.

  Chapter Fourteen

  An hour later, Sandra was dressed in her drab blue dress trying to think of anything but her dull attire. Outside the buggies were pouring into the driveway. This was a small wedding by Amish standards—or was supposed to be—but Amos had invited more people at the last minute.

  “But Amos!” Mamm had exclaimed. “We only have so much food.”

  Amos had chuckled. “Perhaps the bishop can pray for the multiplication of the bread and pecan pies. Didn’t Jesus look kindly on wedding feasts?”

  Mamm had closed her mouth and said no more. The man had more nerve than a fox in a dozen henhouses. How did Amos dare joke about a miracle on Mamm’s wedding day? There should be sackcloth and ashes with Daett’s memory still fresh in their minds and hearts.

  Sandra pushed her anger away and focused on the line of buggies. Ezra was her concern. He must receive a proper welcome so their day could get off to a decent start. So far this morning Amos and Clyde had done nothing but spoil things, but that would turn around when Ezra arrived. She was certain of that.

  “Hi, Sandra,” Clyde spoke softly beside Sandra, making her jump. “I think we can still switch things around between Ezra and me. I think Ezra would get along great with my cousin Lavina.”

  Sandra ignored Clyde.

  “You don’t have to be so snobbish,” Clyde said.

  Sandra gave Clyde a glare and hurried outside. Maybe Ezra’s buggy was in the line by now. If not, she would find something she could do until he arrived. Maybe a last-minute check on the table setting in the barn where the guests would eat.

  Bishop Henry and Lena passed Sandra on the sidewalk and called out to her, “Goot morning, Sandra. What a beautiful day the Lord has given us for a wedding.”

 
“Yah, He has,” Sandra said as she continued to glance down the line of buggies. Ezra still wasn’t there. Had he gotten cold feet? Did the thought of even a short time spent with her scare him off? Sandra’s feelings sank. How things had changed, and so quickly. But surely Ezra would be here soon. They had spoken about the wedding at the last youth gathering. Ezra had seemed cheerful enough about the wedding, so she must not despair.

  Sandra murmured “Goot morning” to several other people she passed before she entered the hushed stillness of the barn. The cobwebs had been swept clean from the beams last week, and checked again yesterday. But now one hung right over the corner table. Where had it come from?

  “Busy spiders!” Sandra exclaimed. Where was a broom? Had they left one somewhere in the barn?

  “I’ll take care of that,” Clyde’s voice said from right behind her.

  She whirled around. “Where did you come from?”

  Clyde chuckled. “You wouldn’t talk to me in the house, but I see the change of setting has helped. I was hoping for that.”

  “I’m not talking to you here, either,” Sandra snapped.

  Clyde laughed and walked up to sweep the cobwebs away with his black wool hat. Sandra hurried out before Clyde could say anything else. Would the man follow her around all day? It certainly seemed so. If Clyde acted like this she’d never get anywhere with Ezra.

  Sandra slowed her pace when she noticed Ezra’s buggy in front of her. She stopped and waited until the buggy door opened and Ezra’s black hat appeared.

  “Goot morning,” Sandra sang out. After all she had been through this morning, the words poured out. “Am I glad to see you, Ezra! Can you believe that Amos and Clyde showed up for breakfast this morning? On a wedding day!”

  Ezra’s grin was crooked. “Maybe I should have come earlier myself.”

  “You wouldn’t do that.” Sandra gave him a bright smile as she helped Ezra unhitch his horse from the buggy.

  “Well, I’m here now,” Ezra said.

  Concern filled Sandra’s face. “Was there trouble on the farm? Is that why you’re late?”