A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Rudy nodded and reached for his phone. He dialed a number and waited. “I’m ready. Come back.”

  Lydia paced the dining room floor. “I so wish you could understand,” she pled.

  Rudy looked up at her. “I do understand, Lydia. You’re an Amish girl now. Our worlds are different. I regret that it must be that way, but I will let things lie.”

  “Thank you,” Lydia whispered as Avery’s car pulled into the driveway.

  Rudy stood to his feet and walked with Lydia out to the car. Emma rolled down her window and asked, “So, did you get everything straightened out?”

  “It’s really none of your business,” Lydia answered with a glare.

  “It’s all fine,” Rudy offered. “As fine as possible.”

  Rudy helped Lydia into the car and closed the door.

  “So, what happened?” Avery asked after she had backed the car out of the driveway.

  “We have things straight now,” Lydia said.

  “That’s all?” Avery asked. “We don’t get the whole story?”

  “Yah, that’s all,” Lydia said. She had no words anyway. How did one explain such a thing? She mourned the past but was happy to be beyond it at the same time.

  “Don’t try to figure her out,” Emma told Avery. “I’ve about given up myself.”

  “So what now?” Rhoda asked. “Harvey Miller?”

  Lydia shook her head but said nothing.

  “Lydia wants the boring life of the community, and she can have it,” Emma explained to Avery. “Can you imagine?”

  “Be careful,” Rhoda scolded. “She’s still our sister, much as she makes bad choices.”

  Avery turned into the Troyers’ driveway. As Lydia got out, she said, “Thank you, Avery. You’ve been a big help to me.” Her sisters stayed in the car, and Avery had turned the car around and sped out of the lane by the time Lydia reached the front door. Mamm met her with open arms and wrapped Lydia in a hug.

  When Mamm let go she held Lydia at arm’s length. “All of us have loved and lost. It’s life, Lydia. You did the right thing. I’m sorry I doubted you these past months, but I thought for sure I had lost my daughter to the world. And that would be worse than death, Lydia. Thank the Lord He has guided your thoughts and led you safely back to us.”

  “What is to become of me?” Lydia asked.

  “You will fall in love with Harvey,” Mamm said, “and Deacon Schrock will be proven right once more.”

  Lydia shook her head. “That won’t happen, but at least I can be nice to Harvey. He deserves that much.”

  “You leave that in the Lord’s hands. You’ll be okay.” Mamm patted Lydia’s arm.

  But she wouldn’t, Lydia knew. She wouldn’t be okay for a very long time.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Later that evening, Lydia sat beside Sandra on the front bench for the hymn singing. Sandra gave Lydia a sharp sideways glance now that they were seated. In times past, the girls would have chatted all evening about the blessings and trials in their lives, but that was no more. Tonight they had spoken a few words of greeting, but there had been no action that could have been deemed a public display of closeness. Their lost friendship was a pain that stirred deep inside both of them.

  Moments later the front door opened, and the line of unmarried men filed in. Amid the shuffle of feet as the men settled in, Lydia leaned over to whisper in Sandra’s ear, “You can stop ignoring me now. I’m going home tonight with Harvey. That should make things all right again.”

  Sandra gave a little gasp, and several of the men looked their way. Sandra covered her exclamation with a smile as a man hollered out the opening song number from the back of the room.

  “Is this really true?” Sandra whispered out of the side of her mouth.

  “Don’t you see Harvey sitting back there?” Lydia motioned with her head.

  Sandra craned her head. Harvey was indeed seated on the back bench. As a widower, his presence at the evening hymn singing wasn’t expected, but no one would see the significance if they didn’t think twice. But Lydia, and now Sandra, knew the reason Harvey was here.

  She whispered in Lydia’s ear, “You really did it.”

  “Shhh…” Lydia whispered back.

  This was almost like old times, when they used to giggle together after Ezra smiled at them. But that was in the past. Ezra wasn’t even at the singing, which meant he was with Rosemary, who must have had a rough day.

  Lydia blinked and focused on the page of the songbook as the young people’s voices rose and fell around them. She noticed Sandra in particular singing with vim and vigor. Her wedding date would be announced soon, if one could judge from the flurry of activity at Aunt Edna’s place. Lydia’s side of the family had been left out of the planning, but that might change with her actions tonight. Perhaps Sandra would even feel free to invite her to serve as a table waiter…unless Amos objected. But Sandra would have her way and Amos would come around. Maybe not overnight, but Amos would be impressed when he heard that Harvey Miller had taken Lydia home from the hymn singing.

  Sandra’s face was still glowing when Lydia glanced again in her direction. At least the problem with Rudy was solved once and for all. Rudy must have known all along that their love couldn’t be brought back to life. In the troubles of life he had hoped that such a thing was possible—as she also had. But that wasn’t possible. And one couldn’t make the heart obey on command. Thankfully even Harvey in his simple ways knew that. He had obviously been wise enough not to try his affections on her until Deacon Schrock put on the pressure.

  Lydia sighed. They would enjoy the evening together as friends perhaps. After all, Harvey must be lonely. That must be why he had agreed to drive her home tonight. But Harvey surely knew that loneliness wasn’t enough to build a relationship upon. He must still pine for his frau, Leslie, as Lydia still mourned for having lost Ezra to Rosemary. Lydia might as well be honest about the fact that she and Harvey would be two broken hearts riding home in a buggy tonight.

  Lydia tried to focus again as another song was given out. Joyous voices rose all around her, as young voices sang the praises of the Lord. She would try to look happy at least when she climbed in Harvey’s buggy later in the evening. The man knew she didn’t love him, but then Amos had known Edna didn’t love him at first either. The problem was, in her heart of hearts, she still had feelings for Ezra. Still, Rosemary had played fair and square, while Sandra and Lydia had been distracted by their family troubles. Rosemary had earned the right to fall in love with Ezra.

  Lydia tried to even her breathing and at least move her mouth to the sound of the singing. The truth was, Ezra deserved a frau like Rosemary who lived her life with an open heart. Instead, Lydia and Sandra had relied upon artful maneuvers in order to catch his attention.

  So what if she never felt love for a man again? Maybe Harvey was a man who wouldn’t care. Maybe he wasn’t looking for love in his second marriage. Maybe that’s why Deacon Schrock had been able to persuade Harvey to drive her home from the hymn singing. They were alike in their pain, at least. She could comfort Harvey, but she could never love him the way she had loved Ezra—or Rudy. Nor would Harvey ever love her the way he had loved Leslie. Perhaps they could come to terms with each other. It was an awful thought, but her soul was floating near the bottom of the ocean at the moment, and anything seemed possible. Even Harvey Miller.

  The songs continued as the minutes ticked past. Lydia pinched herself several times when thoughts of Ezra and Rosemary returned. She would not think of the couple as they shared moments together in Rosemary’s sickroom. She must think of Harvey and the evening ahead of them.

  Sandra jiggled the songbook in Lydia’s hand and whispered, “Sing. You’ve been spaced out all evening.”

  Had she been that obvious? Lydia forced herself to glance up at Sandra and mouth the words. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”

  Sandra smiled before she looked away. But Lydia knew there would be no sympathy from Sandra
on Harvey or Ezra. She ought to stop this pity party herself and grow up. Life was what it was. She had made her bed, as the old people said, and she must lie in it.

  Lydia coughed into her handkerchief, and Sandra squeezed her arm. At least Sandra had that much sympathy for her. Lydia stole a quick peek at Harvey. He had his head down and seemed absorbed in his songbook. She forced herself to focus again as another song was given out. Twenty minutes later, the parting song was sung—“God be with you till we meet again.”

  As the last notes ended Sandra was all smiles, but she made no further effort to speak to Lydia. Clyde got to his feet at once and Sandra bounced up to follow him. They likely had plenty of things to talk about with their wedding plans in the forefront of their minds. Thankfully Harvey waited a decent amount of time until he rose to his feet, giving Lydia a brief glance on his way out.

  “Be happy, Deacon Schrock,” Lydia muttered under her breath as she got up to follow Harvey. The steady couples had left the driveway by the time Lydia slipped into the washroom. She finally found her shawl under several others. Some girls came in behind her and whispered together, but they didn’t pay Lydia any attention. All of them would go home with their brothers unless one of them had a date, which wasn’t likely. From the sound of their giggles they enjoyed spending time in each other’s company before the evening ended—the way she and Sandra used to, before the troubles of life intervened.

  Lydia hurried outside and found Harvey’s buggy on the first glance. He had pulled off to the side of the lane and was waiting with his buggy lights on low. The buggy door remained closed as Lydia approached, but she paused for a moment. What if she was wrong, and this wasn’t Harvey’s buggy? After another quick look around, Lydia reached up and pushed the buggy door open.

  Harvey was sitting on the seat with a nervous grin. “Sorry about that. I should have waited outside the buggy. I wasn’t thinking, I guess. But goot evening.”

  “And goot evening to you,” Lydia said, climbing in to settle on the buggy seat.

  “Get up,” Harvey hollered to his horse, and they were off down the lane.

  After a few minutes of silence, Lydia finally asked, “So, how are you doing?” She made a point to look straight up at him.

  Harvey’s chuckle was still nervous. “Okay, I guess. I’m not used to being with a nice woman like you. I hope you understand that.”

  “That’s kind of you to say. Don’t be nervous, though,” Lydia offered. “I’m…happy to spend time with you. You don’t have to feel out of place at all.”

  Harvey didn’t look persuaded as he turned onto Madrid Road. The silence inside the buggy was broken only by the steady beat of his horse’s hooves. Searching for a subject that should put Harvey at ease, Lydia asked, “What’s your horse’s name?”

  “Roger Boy,” Harvey said, a smile filling his face.

  “Did you come up with that yourself?” Lydia asked. “I’ve never heard such a name.”

  Harvey gave her a brief glance. “The sale barn called him that name when I purchased the horse, and I thought it was goot enough. And Leslie did too, and…” Harvey’s voice trailed off into silence.

  “Well, it’s a nice name,” Lydia said, shifting on the buggy seat. Now she had made the poor man uncomfortable for sure, and with such an innocent question. Still, she was on the subject now, so Lydia took a deep breath. “Do you still miss her?”

  “Yah, a lot,” Harvey responded. “It feels like I’ve lost part of myself.” He searched for words. “Or like my heart is torn out, yet my body goes on living.”

  Lydia reached over to touch his arm. “I’m so sorry. But I think I can understand that. At least a little.”

  “You can?” Harvey stared at her in the darkness.

  Lydia nodded. “I’ve never lost a loved one to death. Not a husband at least, but everyone has their sorrows. Enough that we can sympathize with others, I suppose.”

  “I guess,” Harvey grunted, but he didn’t look convinced.

  Lydia brushed an imaginary wrinkle out of her dress. “Did Deacon Schrock tell you about me? About my sins?” She hadn’t thought of this angle of conversation yet. What if Harvey knew she had seen her old Englisha boyfriend Rudy this very afternoon?

  A slight smile played on his face. “No, the deacon said we should get acquainted and that I would like you eventually.”

  Lydia made a face in the darkness. “That’s what he told me too.”

  “Well, he was right in that you seem nice enough,” Harvey said.

  “Thanks for saying so,” Lydia responded. “I’m sorry we’re both in this situation. I really am. If I would have employed better wisdom in my choices the past few months, this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “But then you wouldn’t be riding home in my buggy,” Harvey said. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “You’re a very nice man,” Lydia said. “I just mean that I’m sorry we’re together because of our sad circumstances.”

  “Yah,” Harvey agreed. “I suppose I could do better by not spending so much time thinking about the past, or what might have been under different circumstances. Had Leslie not been taken from me.”

  “At least we have that in common—sad circumstances.”

  His face had grown sober. “I hope you understand when I say that being with you seems like a safe place. I’m not good with words.”

  “Oh, you are, dear,” Lydia said. “You’re very good with words. I haven’t had anyone say nice things about me in a long time.”

  “But they are things that should be said,” Harvey mused. “We all need to speak well of each other and not say things that hurt.”

  “Perhaps Deacon Schrock needs to hear that.”

  His chuckle filled the buggy. “So what is your big secret? If you don’t mind me asking.”

  Lydia stared out into the night. She saw Rudy’s handsome face this afternoon and felt his strong arms wrapped around her.

  “Let’s just say that I’ve made some wrong choices,” Lydia finally said. “I’m sure you’ve heard some of the stories about me. Mostly true, I’m afraid.”

  “Everyone makes wrong choices,” Harvey responded.

  “Again, you know the right words to say. Thank you. I have to admit I wasn’t sure how this would turn out…but I’m glad you brought me home, Harvey.”

  “And you were more than kind to allow me the opportunity,” Harvey said as he slowed down for the Troyers’ driveway. He turned in and swung the buggy around at the end of the walk.

  “You’re not coming in?”

  “No, this is far enough.” Harvey’s nervous grin was back.

  Lydia tried to smile. “But I have brownies and pecan pie ready.”

  “No, Lydia.” His voice was firm. “It’s best if I go. But I’ll see you next Sunday evening, if you’ll let me drive you home again.”

  “Yah, of course.” Lydia hesitated at the buggy door. “You won’t be telling Deacon Schrock that I sent you off early?”

  Harvey laughed. “I’ll tell the deacon you were a very charming host and had pecan pie and brownies ready for me.”

  “Thank you, Harvey. You’re very kind.” Lydia climbed down and stepped back from the buggy.

  Harvey clucked to Roger Boy and took off into the night. Lydia watched the buggy lights until they disappeared into the distance. Her first date with Harvey had been easy enough, and not that unpleasant, but still…

  One day at a time, Lydia told herself as she walked toward the house. Only one day at a time.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Sandra pulled the buggy out of her driveway and headed toward Lydia’s house on Johnson Raod to pick her up.

  For a few Sundays in a row now, Harvey Miller had taken Lydia home after the evening hymn singing—and the Troyer family seemed to be back in the goot graces of the community. Ben Troyer still had some weeks’ worth of proving left, but even Amos Helmuth had approved of Sandra resuming her friendship with Lydia. “You can visit your cousins again,” h
e had told her. “Especially since your wedding is coming up soon.”

  That she would be exchanging wedding vows with Clyde, the man she had once written off entirely, was still mind-boggling to Sandra. Her heart actually beat faster at the thought of their upcoming marriage. Clyde hadn’t kissed her yet, but of course he would after the wedding. Clyde loved her. She could tell from the look in his eyes when he gazed at her, and from his kind words about her beauty and her worthiness to be a frau. What girl’s heart wouldn’t beat faster at such attentions?

  “You are the best thing to ever happen to me,” Clyde had told her last Sunday evening.

  The couple would set up housekeeping at the new farm Clyde had purchased next to his daett’s place. He’d spoken with the Englisha owners and explained their wedding plans, and the owners had already closed and vacated the house. Today Lydia had agreed to help Sandra begin to clean the place. But beforehand, the two girls would stop in for a visit at Rosemary’s house on Old State Road. The reports on Rosemary’s health were goot one week and down the next. Lydia had suggested the visit, now that her relationship with the community had been patched up. Sandra had agreed, especially since Rosemary was their friend, and they’d always regret a missed visit if Rosemary’s health took a turn for the worse.

  Sandra slowed for Aunt Mary’s driveway and pulled to a stop at the end of the sidewalk. She pushed the buggy door open and leaned out to call, “I’m here!”

  Lydia opened the front door at once. “I’m coming. Just a minute!” she yelled back.

  Things were almost back to how they used to be, though Sandra’s time was now mostly taken up with Clyde. Soon she’d likely have kinner to fill a big house, while Lydia had announced no wedding plans with Harvey.

  Lydia had been firm on the point the last time Sandra had asked. “We’re just friends,” Lydia had said. Sandra couldn’t envision what lay ahead for Lydia, but she could easily imagine her own future. Before long there would be the pitter-patter of little feet on the long hardwood floor hallways of the big house. All of Clyde’s kinner would be handsome like he was, she was sure.