by Di Morrissey
He interrupted her, drawing her tighter to him. ‘Jenni, you will always be terribly important to me. You have seen me through some rough times. But I realise I’ve been leaning on you and using you and that’s not fair to you. I don’t want to hurt you, but our relationship kind of got off on the wrong foot . . .’ He hesitated and Jenni smiled at him.
‘TR, don’t worry about me. I’m all right. Really I am. I’ve made a lot of adjustments to my life. I’m enjoying being out in the world away from the hospital. And I think I know where I’d like to end up.’ She stole a swift glance across the room to where Tango was dancing with Queenie. Tango smiled at Jenni over Queenie’s shoulder.
‘You reckon you can do a lot better than being tied to a bloke with a bad leg and confused head, eh?’
‘I have to confess I’ve been enjoying Tango’s company. He reminds me of you.’
TR stared down into the young woman’s clear and honest eyes and for a moment a flash of jealousy flared then just as suddenly died. He nodded, ‘I understand. You’re definitely part of this family now. But I have to sort my life out on my own, Jen. And you and I will always be friends.’
‘I still worry about your happiness though.’
‘Don’t do that. I have enough people worrying about me. But I’m glad you’re friends with Tango, and mates with Saskia.’
‘And business partners,’ Jenni laughed. ‘I thought I was going to collapse when Toffee won the race.’
TR laughed with her and from across the woolshed, Queenie saw the two so at ease together and Tango felt her stiffen as she looked away.
‘She’s been a good friend to Dad. And I hope she’ll always be a good friend to us,’ said Tango softly.
Queenie nodded but didn’t answer. Tango debated talking to his mother about Jenni, but decided tonight was not the time or place. He didn’t want to lay anything else on Queenie right now and he was still unsure about how she felt towards Jenni. Telling her he was falling in love with Jenni might stop her feeling so threatened, but equally his mother might feel Jenni was coming between her and her son. Best to let things ride for now and grow gradually.
Tango found Jenni after the dance and led her out into the cool air and darkness. The lights strung around the woolshed sparkled like a multicoloured jewelled necklace. The song was a romantic ballad and Tango took Jenni in his arms and they reached immediately for each other’s lips. Their bodies pressed together and Tango felt the softness of her tiny figure moulding to his own and it aroused a deep passion in him. ‘I want you, Jenni,’ he whispered against her ear.
‘Oh Tango.’ She was overcome with the rush of emotion and desire that welled up in her. ‘I’ve never felt like this before.’
‘Me neither. Jenni . . . when I said I want you, I meant want you as a person, to spend time with you, but I also want to make love to you. I’d love to sneak into your room tonight, but I won’t. I don’t want any sneaking between us. I’ve spoken to TR about my feelings for you, and I think he understands now. But I want to make sure you and I do things right. Do you know what I’m saying?’
Jenni nodded, her eyes shining, her heart touched at the words Tango spoke with such feeling. A mischievous smile danced at her mouth. ‘Do I get another invitation back to Guneda?’
He hugged her. ‘You bet. But you’d better warn Bruce and Ria you might not be back. I think I’ll keep you all to myself.’
As soon as Saskia had cut the cake and the woolshed rafters had rung to the strains of ‘Happy Birthday’, Queenie discreetly went around bidding people goodnight. Sarah took her hand. ‘I’ll come up to the house with you. Let’s have a nightcap and leave these youngsters to it.’
‘Youngsters! Dingo is still holding forth around the keg with Alf and your father,’ laughed Queenie. But she was grateful for the support. She knew Sarah was also thinking back to the night of Queenie’s twenty-first when she’d slipped away early and walked into the nightmare at the homestead and found her mother’s broken body. The two old school-friends went back to the house where they found Millie and Auntie Maud talking in the kitchen, making plans to get together on regular visits.
‘We’ll go back down and start clearing up a bit more in an hour or so,’ said Millie. ‘Don’t you girls worry about anything. Maudie and I are talkin’ about going back to the convent and mission schools to try ’n’ piece together what happened to us and the rest of the family.’
‘Millie, that’s a wonderful idea,’ said Queenie. ‘Sarah and I are going to have a drink in the library. Do you want to join us?’
‘No, I’ll be off with the kids first thing in the morning,’ said Maud. ‘So I’ll say hooroo for now. Goin’ bush is gonna be a bit of a change after this weekend, but it’s done them good in lotsa ways.’
‘I’m glad, Auntie Maud. Please come any time you want. You’re part of the family too now. Goodnight.’ Queenie gave the two sisters a hug.
Settled in the library, Queenie and Sarah talked about the past, their children, and the future of Tingulla Fashions. Then Sarah asked, ‘What news of Colin?’
‘From what I hear from Saskia via the Gadens, it seems he bet heavily on the race, and couldn’t meet his bets, so Camboni bailed him out, though he lost a lot of money too. Apparently he was involved in some casino project and that’s fallen through as well, lack of funds or something. Anyway, now Dina has a certain hold over Colin, and she has decided they are going back to Europe for six months each year. I wish I’d been a fly on the wall when Dina confronted him. Poor Colin, in a way I feel sorry for him. He’s just weak. I often think back and wonder where things changed for him, or was this always how it was going to be?’
‘It’s always been his nature,’ said Sarah thoughtfully. ‘I don’t understand why when I think of your wonderful parents, but that’s how he is. Accept that, don’t lose any sleep over it and who knows, one day he might become a new man — though I won’t hold my breath.’
‘Speaking of new men, how do you think TR is coming along?’ asked Queenie. ‘It’s not going to be easy settling back down to life here, but we can only press ahead.’
Sarah chose her words carefully. ‘He does seem concerned, and withdrawn, but I sense he has come to some sort of decision in his mind. I just hope it’s the right decision. But all you can do is get on with your life, Queenie, and hope for the best. Well, I’d better go rescue Mum and Dad and John and head home. Tim and Pauline are staying here tonight with the rest of the gang.’
She stood and the two hugged each other. ‘You did a lovely job, Queenie. It’s been a great party, a lovely wedding and Millie finding Maud has been the icing on the cake.’
‘I am tired now though, I’ll talk to you when you get back to Sydney. And thanks for all you’re doing, Sarah.’
‘Hey, I’m a shareholder in Tingulla Fashions. I’m not doing things purely out of the goodness of my heart!’
Queenie didn’t bother turning on the lights in the bedroom as she slipped out of the shimmering dress which dropped to the floor and lay on the rug like a pool of moonlight. Wrapping her robe about her, she stepped out into the darkness of the upper balcony and stood staring into the night. In the distance she could still hear the revelry from the woolshed. How familiar was every shape and shadow of this place. The darkened stables, the trees and shrubs, the deeper line of the Blue Hills against the night sky. Clouds obscured some of the stars and a watery ring around the moon was a good sign of rain. Yet despite the apparent tranquillity, she had a feeling that the spirits of Tingulla were restless. She thought of Snowy and realised she hadn’t seen much of him this evening. He had disappeared quietly during the festivities. But looking out over Tingulla, she knew he was close by. She drew a deep breath and spoke aloud, talking to the stars, ‘TR, please come back to me, so we can be as we were. I miss you, my darling.’ Sighing, she went inside and closed the French doors and slipped into her cold and lonely bed.
The next day after a massive breakfast of sausages, chops, bacon and e
ggs cooked on the barbecue by Alf, the goodbyes began. There were hugs, jokes and a few tears.
Tango found Jenni and pulled her into the deserted library and gave her a lingering kiss. ‘When are you coming down to see me at Guneda again?’
‘When are you coming to see me at Harmony Hill?’ she countered with a smile.
‘Well, Saskia is coming to work with us once she’s found a replacement to run the trail rides up there, so I’ll have to get you down to Guneda regularly.’
‘I’ll miss Sas when she goes,’ said Jenni sadly. ‘But now that Ria and Bruce have a free hand running Harmony Hill they shouldn’t have too much trouble finding the right staff.’
‘Yeah, Colin did a bit of a moonlight flit, didn’t he? Dina couldn’t wait to drag him off to Europe.’
Jenni grinned. ‘With creditors hot on his heels we hear. Bruce and Ria have bought Harmony Hill for a near peppercorn fee from Alfredo Camboni. He was glad to get rid of it, I think.’
‘Yeah, he has more than a few problems with that casino scheme, which has fallen over in a heap.’
‘Too bad,’ said Jenni and they both chuckled.
Millie’s voice could be heard calling for Tango, so he kissed Jenni quickly, whispering, ‘Think of me. I’ll call you soon.’
‘Bye, Tango.’ She pulled him back towards her and kissed him hard on the mouth. She’d be thinking of him more than he knew.
Tango ran outside and threw his knapsack into the back of the Toyota and turned to Saskia. ‘Have a good birthday, kid?’
‘Yes. Thank you for my horse. He’s so beautiful and I’m sure he’s going to be a winner. I’m off back to Harmony Hill but I’ll be at Guneda as soon as I can. I feel like my life is finally really starting.’
Tango looked into her sparkling eyes and grinned at his half sister. ‘I know I tease you, and I’ll probably give you a hard time occasionally, but never forget I love you, Sas.’
She hugged her tall and handsome brother. ‘Me too. If only things were working out for Mum and TR, everything would be perfect.’
Tango squeezed her hand. ‘They’ll be fine. We can’t do it for them. Just let them know we love them both.’ Saskia nodded and Tango withdrew his hand and gave her a wink as he slipped in behind the wheel.
Dingo appeared beside Saskia and dropped an arm around her shoulders. ‘Cheers, Tango. I’ll be heading west again, why don’t you come and visit. Bring Sas and Jenni next time. There’s always something going on. You know me.’
‘You’re on, Dingo!’ Tango gave a cheery wave and headed down the driveway. He glanced up at the upper balcony and seeing Queenie standing there, blew her a kiss.
‘Now, you look after that camel of yours,’ said Dingo turning to Saskia. ‘She’s a little beauty, even if I do say so myself.’
Saskia hugged him. ‘You’re the best friend any family could ever have, Dingo.’
He smiled and touched her curly head. ‘Now don’t you worry about your mum and TR, these things have a way of working themselves out.’ He sighed, ‘It’s too bad TR isn’t himself. He’d be so thrilled to have both his kids working under his wing. Well, I’d better find Millie and tell the old girl hooroo.’
He ambled off and Saskia watched the grand old man square off the brim of his battered bush hat as he walked with bandy-legged jauntiness back into the house.
By late afternoon Saskia and Jenni were packed up and Saskia found TR helping Jim pack away the last of the equipment. She said goodbye and thanked Jim who discreetly melted away as she turned to TR.
‘You girls all set then? Drive carefully.’
‘We will.’ She wanted to say how good it felt to leave knowing TR and her mother were together at Tingulla. Instead she kissed his cheek and said softly. ‘Thanks for everything. Hang in there, TR.’
He nodded and Saskia turned and hurried away, finding it just too painful to see the sadness and lost look in his eyes.
Slowly Saskia went upstairs and found her mother sitting in a wicker chair on the balcony outside her bedroom.
‘We’re off in a minute, Mum. Millie and Jim are going to come into Longreach with us and stay overnight.’
‘Good, they need a break.’
‘It’s been wonderful, Mum. Thank you for making it all so perfect for me. And I love the opals. That meant such a lot.’ She crouched by her mother and dropped her head into her lap and Queenie softly stroked her hair.
‘I’m glad, darling.’
Saskia looked up at her mother, her eyes damp with tears. ‘I wish I could make everything perfect for you and TR.’
‘Oh, Sas . . . don’t upset yourself. Now that he is here and we’re alone together, I really believe things will come good.’ Queenie smiled at her daughter. ‘You are going to have a wonderful life, you are going to be successful and make TR and I very proud of you. You just laugh and be happy. That makes me feel good.’
‘You’ve both given me so much . . . I just wish TR knew how much. I love you, Mum. You’re so special, I hope I can be a mother like you one day.’
‘You will, Sas . . . Do you know, I used to say the same thing to Nana Rose. Now, off you go, I won’t come down. There have been too many goodbyes today. And wish Jenni good luck for me.’
By dusk Tingulla was deserted. For the first time Queenie and TR were truly alone, and it gave Queenie a feeling of great comfort and peace to see him moving about the yard and house. He seemed to be tidying and sorting through the party paraphernalia. Queenie made a cold meat and salad meal and opened a bottle of Grange Hermitage she’d been saving for a special occasion.
After dinner TR helped her carry the plates into the kitchen, poured the last of the wine into their glasses and handed her one.
‘Come and sit on the verandah, I want to talk to you.’ His voice was gentle and he gave a small smile.
Queenie gave an inward sigh of relief. He was relaxing at last. Over dinner they had discussed the wedding and Saskia’s party and TR had asked questions to fill in some of the gaps about their guests and their background. It had been companionable, yet slightly formal. There was still a reserve about him which distressed her, but she hoped in the coming weeks this would fade away. This evening, alone together, she’d hoped would be their bonding time when they’d re-establish contact with each other. Queenie’s sexual drive and her longing desire for TR was burning inside her. She’d been dismayed by his coolness but had kept her emotions in check.
Now they settled themselves in the evening light and Queenie peered into the clouded sky.
There’s rain on the way, for sure.’ She turned to TR and lifted her glass to his and clinked crystal against crystal. ‘Here’s to the future, TR.’
He sipped the rich smooth wine then put down his glass. ‘That’s what I want to talk to you about. Queenie, there’s no easy way to say this . . . I want a divorce.’
Queenie closed her eyes as everything went black for a second. She was winded as if from a hard physical blow. ‘What do you mean? I don’t understand, what are you saying?’
‘This hasn’t been an easy decision and I’ve thought about it for a long time. We have to assume I’m not going to get any better and —’
‘Why? Why assume that? But anyway, it doesn’t matter,’ Queenie cried, almost shouting, despair colouring every word.
‘I can’t go on living in this limbo. We both have to get on with our lives and start over and not lead half a life together. I realised this when I was away with Dingo, I felt I was alive because I was making a fresh start. Without a past I didn’t know.’
Queenie’s hand shook as she put down her glass. She stood up and began pacing frantically in front of TR. ‘No! Never! I can’t let you go and just start over. You don’t know what we’ve been through, how much we love each other!’ Tears streamed down her face. She stopped in front of him and looked down into his eyes. ‘This is madness, TR. You don’t know what you’re saying!’
TR stood. ‘Please, Queenie, please try to stay in control. I kn
ow this is a shock, but you’ve been hanging onto a dream that’s gone.’ He paused, then said with finality. ‘And we can’t bring it back!’
Queenie slumped back into her chair and sat there frozen, numb and disbelieving. ‘I can’t live my life without you.’ She sobbed and covered her face with her hands. After taking several choking breaths she again looked at TR and announced firmly and quietly, ‘I’ll wait for you’.
‘No! That’s exactly what I don’t want!’ exclaimed TR angrily, going to the verandah rail and gripping it in an effort at self-control. ‘You’re suffocating me. Let me go!’ He turned to her and said more calmly, ‘Queenie, I know this is the best way. We have to break free of this and let each other go and get on with our lives. This way we can stay friends at least. Look, let’s not talk about it anymore. Sleep on it and we’ll talk in the morning.’ He spoke gently, knowing how he’d hurt her. But for the moment he was fighting for his life and he couldn’t see himself tied to a past that was lost. It was stopping him moving forward.
Queenie sat motionless, tightly gripping the arms of her chair, tears still running down her face. ‘What would you do? Where would you go?’ She turned to look at him and the anguish on her face stabbed at TR. ‘Is there anyone else?’ she asked hoarsely.
‘No, Queenie. I just want to try to get myself together by starting afresh and making a new life, seeing as I’ve lost my old one. I’ll go back to the west and work with Dingo.’
‘I see.’ Queenie stood. ‘You seem to have thought this through. At least allow me a little time to do the same.’ She walked away from him without looking back, a fierce dignity masking the turmoil and emotions churning inside her.
TR rubbed a hand across his eyes. This was hell, but walking away seemed the only way to pick up the pieces of his life. She’d adjust, she was strong, and somehow out of this they might be able to forge a new and different kind of relationship. But his head spoke above his heart, telling him the only way they could survive would be to have no contact at all. At least not until they’d both started separate lives.