All I Want for Christmas is a Vampire las-5

by Kerrelyn Sparks

  "Yes," Lola continued. "I especially liked the part about Ian's castle in Scotland, and how he's spending some of his vast fortune to renovate it."

  Vast fortune? Toni snorted, then covered it with a dainty cough. She seriously doubted Ian had a vast fortune when he was working as a security guard for Romatech Industries. Would he really stoop to telling lies on the Internet in order to get dates? The man was gorgeous. Why would he have to lie about anything, other than the little problem of being dead half the time?

  "You see," Lola lowered her voice dramatically, "I was a royal princess in a former life. I belong in a castle."

  "Wow."

  "I'm also a vegetarian," Lola announced. "I do hope Ian is one, too. He's so hot."

  "Right. Well, I can safely say he doesn't eat meat."

  "Splendid." Lola recited her phone number. "Ta-ta."

  Toni wrote the number down, then she glared at Ian. "Liar. You said you didn't want to date mortals."

  Cum on feel the noize! She jumped. Now this had to be Howard. Or Sabrina. She pulled out her cell phone. "Hello?"

  "Toni?" Howard's voice boomed. "What's going on?"

  "Everything's fine. Ian's in the bedroom on the fifth floor. The phone was off the hook, but I put it back."

  "What was so urgent that he had to call Connor?"

  Toni winced. "He was probably calling about me. The concept of a female guard was too bizarre for him."

  Howard chuckled. "He'll get used to you. Has he seen you fight yet?"

  "Yeah, a little."

  "Then he knows how tough you are. He'll learn to trust you in time."

  She grimaced. Ian was actually right to suspect her. She did have a hidden agenda, though she certainly didn't mean the Vamps any harm.

  "Do you need anything today?" Howard asked. He made sure groceries were delivered to the townhouse, so Toni wouldn't have to leave her charges unprotected.

  "I'm fine for now, but I have a final exam Friday at NYU. I'll need to leave around noon."

  "I remembered that. We've arranged for me to come to the townhouse so you can go."

  "But I thought you had to guard Roman and Connor."

  "They're staying at Romatech, so the guards there can keep an eye on them. Don't worry. We've got it covered."

  "Thank you." Toni felt relieved, but a bit shocked that the Vamps were willing to change their routine just to help her out. "Just one exam to go, and I'm officially done with my master's."

  "Great." Howard paused. "You know, you can probably get a better job than this. It's not very…intellectual."

  "It's fine. The pay is a lot more than I expected."

  "Yeah, well, the Vamps know how important it is to have mortals they can trust."

  "I understand." The phone on the nightstand rang. "Oh God, I hope that's not Mitzi or Lola."

  "Who?" Howard asked.

  "These girls keep calling for Ian. Apparently he signed up with an online dating service."

  "You're kidding."

  "I wish. I'll call you back for the ten o'clock report." Toni shut her cell phone and answered the house phone. "Hello?"

  "Hi," a soft female voice answered. "Is Ian there?"

  Toni groaned. "He's…meditating right now."

  "Cool. I'm Destiny." She gave her phone number. "Ian is just so hot. You know, I'm totally synthesized to the harmonic vibrations of the cosmos, so I can tell that Ian and I belong together."

  "I see." And his vast fortune had nothing to do with it. "Any message for Ian?"

  "Yes. I love to take walks in the rain and sit on the beach to watch the sunrise."

  "Great." Toni wrote Plans to kill you by spontaneous combustion beneath her name. "Thank you for calling."

  She hung up and glared at Ian. "Do you realize my best friend is in the hospital, and instead of being able to call her, I'm stuck talking to your silly girlfriends?" Her voice rose to a shout, but Ian just lay there, oblivious.

  "Why are you looking for a woman? Why would a vampire even believe in true love? Do you really think you can be faithful for centuries? A few years is too much to ask for these days!"

  He didn't answer.

  "Well, at least you don't talk back. I'm the boss here during the day, and don't you forget it."

  He didn't argue.

  She stalked into the adjoining office. She hadn't gone to college just to end up a social secretary for a horny, hot vampire. So much for her third affirmation, I will achieve something meaningful with my life.

  She needed to talk to Sabrina. That would calm her down. She opened her cell phone and dialed the hospital. "Sabrina Vanderwerth's room, please?"

  "One moment," the operator replied. "Please hold."

  Toni sat in the black leather chair behind the desk and booted up the computer. Maybe she could find something useful in the computer files. Her search in the library had yielded nothing. The phone on the desk rang. Great, another woman. Toni quickly took her name and number, then hung up after Britney expounded on ten reasons why Ian was hot.

  Meanwhile, the hospital operator came back on her cell phone. "Sabrina Vanderwerth has been released."

  A sliver of alarm crept down Toni's spine. "But I just saw her last night. When was she released?"

  "I'm not able to give out any personal information."

  "Wait," Toni began, but the dial tone signaled she'd been cut off.

  The phone on the desk rang. "Arrgh!" Toni quickly took the name and number of another girl who thought Ian was hot. Then she dialed Sabrina's cell phone.

  After seven rings, she was transferred to voice mail. "Bri, this is Toni. I just heard you were released from the hospital. Call me." She checked her phone for messages. Zilch. Where was Sabrina?

  The phone on the desk rang again. This time it was LaToya who thought Ian was hot. Then Michelle, and then Lauren. Apparently Ian's hotness was becoming legendary.

  "This is too much," Toni growled. She used the house phone to call her apartment. Maybe Sabrina had simply gone home, and she was worrying over nothing.

  The phone rang until the answering machine picked up. "Bri, are you there? Call me, I'm worried about you."

  She called Carlos in the apartment next door. "Have you heard from Sabrina?"

  "No, what's wrong?"

  "She's been released from the hospital, but I don't know where she is."

  There was a pause, then Carlos spoke, his voice deeper than usual. "Toni, you need to tell me what's going on."

  "I will, tonight, when I get off work." Toni hung up, then the phone instantly rang.

  "Damn!" She grabbed the receiver. "What?"

  "Good morning. This is Travis Buckley."

  A man's voice. "Yes? What is it?"

  "Is Ian MacPhie there?"

  Toni blinked. "You…want to talk to Ian?"

  "Oh yes, honey. I saw his picture on Single in the City, and I thought he was so…"

  "Hot?"

  "Exactly." Travis chuckled.

  Toni wrote his name down. "I would love to tell him you called."

  "Super." Travis gave her his number. "I think he's über-hot."

  "Oh, totally." Toni hung up, then rubbed her temples. "This can't be happening to me. I'm stuck in the Twilight Zone." She turned to the computer and clicked on My Documents. A security box came on screen, asking for the password.

  "Damn." If she wasn't such a techno-moron, she could get around this, but she didn't have a clue. Oh well, even if she found a document where a bunch of Vamps confessed to being real, would it actually prove anything? Anyone could write such nonsense and claim it was true.

  Speaking of false claims, she needed to check out Ian's profile on Single in the City. It was easy to find. He was on the home page in a list of the ten most popular guys. His photo was great, but his profile sounded like Don Juan on Viagra. The more she read, the more she felt steam coming out of her ears.

  The phone rang again. And again. And again. The list of names was now up to thirty-four girls and two guys
who all thought Ian was hotter than liquid magma. How would she ever locate Sabrina? Or study for her final?

  The phone jangled again. She snatched it up. "Yes, Ian is hot! But you'll have to wait your turn."

  "Cool." The girl smacked on chewing gum. "I don't mind sharing. Is he into group sex?"

  Toni grimaced. "You'll have to ask him about that."

  "Okay." She popped her gum. "So who are you?"

  "I'm…his parole officer."

  "Cool. I've got one of those, too. Got busted for solicitation."

  "I hate it when that happens."

  "Yeah. So this Ian dude, is he really as rich as his profile says?"

  Toni gritted her teeth. "Just give me your name and number." She wrote down the information and slammed down the receiver. "I can't take it anymore!"

  She fumbled in the desk drawer and found a big, black permanent marker. She stalked into the bedroom and glared down at Ian. "If I fail my final, it'll be your fault!" She smoothed his white T-shirt across his rock-hard chest and abs, then wrote in capital letters HOT, HOT STUDMUFFIN. Beneath that she wrote, For a good time, call Travis.

  Then she marched downstairs to the ground floor, and turned on the answering machine. The Vamps wouldn't like it, but she was not about to screw up her last exam because of Ian's love life. As she descended into the basement, she heard the phone ringing again. The guys in the cellar were fine, so she called Howard for the ten o'clock report. She explained about the answering machine, and he agreed.

  While she ate her lunch in the kitchen, the phone rang twelve more times. It was still ringing when she went upstairs to her bedroom. She disconnected the phone there so she could study in peace. She checked on the guys again at one and four P.M. for her afternoon reports.

  She also called the hospital back and talked to a nurse on the floor where Sabrina had stayed. The nurse admitted Sabrina had left with family, but wouldn't say more than that. It had to be Sabrina's aunt and uncle, since they were the only family Sabrina had. Toni couldn't recall their last name. The information would be at the apartment. Meanwhile, Sabrina never called back, so Toni continued to worry about her.

  At four-fifteen, Toni changed out of her uniform and descended to the kitchen to make a snack. She would be able to leave after the guys woke up, which was any minute now. Fortunately, the sun set early in December.

  "Good evening." Dougal sauntered into the kitchen, followed by Phineas. They headed straight for the refrigerator for some bottles of blood.

  "Hey, guys." She finished her salad. "Sleep well?"

  The door slammed open, and Ian marched in. He glowered at Toni and slapped a hand against his black-marked T-shirt. "What the hell is this?"

  CHAPTER 4

  Ian had forgotten how pretty she was—pretty enough to scramble his thoughts for a second. But it didn't matter how shiny and golden her hair was, or how pink and sweetly curved her mouth was. Or how her green jumper matched the bonnie green of her eyes. Any guard who wrote graffiti on a sleeping Vamp was not a guard who could be trusted.

  Phineas took one look at him and spewed his breakfast all over the kitchen counter. Then he started snickering. Dougal, at least, was attempting to stifle his laughter.

  "Eeeuww." Toni grimaced at the bloody mess.

  "Don't worry, sweetness. I'll clean it up." Phineas grabbed a sponge from the kitchen sink. "You got him good."

  "I wouldna call this good." Ian glowered at Toni. She hadn't answered his question. She just sat at the table, fiddling with a paper napkin, while a pink blush swept up to her cheeks. The scent of her rushing blood ignited his hunger. His gums tingled. His stomach twinged. He stalked to the refrigerator, grabbed a bottle of synthetic blood, and guzzled it down cold.

  She wrinkled her pretty little nose. "You're drinking it cold?"

  "Are ye offering me some that's hot?" he growled.

  Her cheeks grew a brighter red. "No, of course not."

  "Why so pissed, bro?" Phineas wiped up the counter. "I'd be happy if Toni wrote on my shirt. Shit, she could write on me all day long."

  "You don't wear a shirt to bed," Toni muttered.

  "Aha!" Phineas grinned at her. "You've been admiring my awesome bod while I sleep. I knew it. The ladies can't resist Dr. Phang." He rinsed out his sponge, then went back to work. "You should be writing your love notes on me."

  "They're not love notes," Toni protested.

  "That's for certain," Ian grumbled. "I'm definitely no' interested in Travis."

  Phineas snorted, then took aim and tossed the sponge into the sink. "Two points! Look, I've been telling you guys to stop wearing those skirts. It gives out mixed signals, if you know what I mean."

  Dougal frowned. "The kilt is a fine and manly tradition amongst the Scots."

  "I kinda like 'em," Toni conceded.

  Did she really like his kilt? Ian had always considered the MacPhie tartan one of the best. Or perhaps she had liked what was underneath. He slapped himself mentally. This girl distracted him far too easily. "Ye dinna answer my question." He tapped his chest. "Why the hell did ye do this?"

  She lifted her chin. "I will admit now that it was a mistake, but at the time, I was very angry with you."

  "Angry?" Ian gave her an incredulous look. "What could I possibly do to make ye angry? I was dead all day."

  "You were live on the Internet. People were looking at you on Single in the City, and the phone was ringing off the hook. I have problems of my own to deal with, so—"

  "Ladies were calling me?" Ian interrupted her. He couldn't believe it. Vanda's plan was working.

  Toni shot him an annoyed look. "Didn't you see the messages I left for you upstairs? On the nightstand?"

  "Nay, I was distracted by this." He pressed a hand against his chest. He wanted to stay angry, but the thought of women actually pursuing him was amazing. "Ladies were calling me?"

  Toni groaned, then took her plate to the sink. "Yes, Mr. Super Ego. Forty-three women and two men, to be precise. And that was before ten A.M."

  "Two men?" Phineas snickered.

  Ian muttered a few words in Gaelic that made Dougal laugh. His initial excitement was wearing off, for he now realized that all the women who had called during the day were mortal. None of them would do.

  The phone rang, and Phineas reached for it.

  "Don't bother." Toni returned to the table where she'd left some clothes on the back of a chair. She looped a green scarf around her neck. "It's probably another desperate woman. The answering machine's been picking them up since this morning."

  "But she might be hot!" Phineas lifted the receiver. "Hello there," he said in a deep, sexy voice. "You have reached the luxurious abode of Dr. Phang, the love doctor. Tell me where it hurts, baby."

  "Toni," Dougal spoke quietly. "Ye're supposed to answer the phone during the day. We doona want people thinking the house is vacant."

  "I know." She stuffed her arms into a jacket. "But—"

  "No, Travis, I'm not interested!" Phineas slammed the phone down. "Shit."

  Toni snorted. "See what I mean? That's why Howard agreed to let me use the answering machine." She hitched her handbag over her shoulder. "See you guys later."

  "Where are ye going?" Ian asked.

  She ignored him and strode from the kitchen, leaving the door swinging in her wake.

  "Bloody hell," Ian growled. He gulped down the rest of his cold breakfast, then set the bottle in the sink on his way to the kitchen door.

  "Ian." Dougal stopped him. "Doona chase her away. We're in desperate need of mortal guards we can trust."

  He pointed at his T-shirt. "What makes ye think we can trust her?"

  "She's a good fighter, and she has good reason to hate the Malcontents," Dougal replied.

  "And she hasn't killed us in our sleep," Phineas added. "Yet."

  "That's reassuring." Ian strode into the foyer and found Toni by the front door, punching buttons on the security panel. "Ye canna leave."

  "I don't see why not.
I'm off duty." She finished the code to release the alarm, then reached for the doorknob.

  "I need to talk to you."

  "I don't want to." She motioned to the answering machine. "But there are hundreds of women who do."

  "Ye're exaggerating."

  She marched across the foyer to the sideboard where the phone and answering machine were located. She punched a button, and a robotic male voice spoke.

  "You have three hundred and fourteen messages."

  Ian's mouth fell open.

  Toni gave him a knowing smirk, then strode back to the front door. "You'd better get busy. It'll take you hours to return all those calls."

  "I'll just delete them."

  She turned slowly to face him. "You're not going to answer them?"

  "They called during the day, so they must be mortal."

  "Good grief, you're an arrogant snob!"

  He stiffened. "It's no' a matter of arrogance. It's reality."

  "Your reality! You think you're too good for mere mortals."

  "Doona presume to know what I'm thinking."

  Her eyes narrowed. "Fine. We'll stick to the facts. Those are real people who called with real feelings. Only a pompous oaf would deny them the courtesy of an answer."

  He moved closer to her. "Doona lecture me on courtesy, no' when ye wrote this rubbish on me while I slept."

  "I was angry!" She stepped toward him, her cheeks growing flushed. "I had to endure hours of people moaning, 'Ooh, Ian is so hot! You're lucky I only wrote on your T-shirt. I almost puked on it!"

  He had trouble concentrating on her words, because her rushing blood filled his nostrils, and her racing heartbeat pounded in his mind. Just gazing into the fiery green depths of her eyes made his hearing grow dull. The scent of her blood combined with the fragrance of her hair and skin, and he'd never breathed in air so sweet.

  She stepped back. "Is something wrong? Your eyes look a little weird."

  He struggled to think. Why had all those calls made her angry? Then a sudden thought struck him. "Ye were jealous."

  "What?" she scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous."

  He pointed to the words on his chest. "Ye dinna like other ladies saying I was a studmuffin."