Barmy Britain
Page 15
Daily Telegraph
CHAPTER 28
ODDS AND SODS
Clement Attlee is a modest man who has
much to be modest about…
The Pentagon once considered developing a weapon that would cause flatulence. It was to be called the ‘Who? Me?’ device.
Reader’s Digest
John Murrell, of Cambridge, was astonished when a bank turned him down because he exceeded their maximum age limit. And even more astonished by a letter saying that he could reapply ‘…should your circumstances change in the next six months’.
The Times
D. Kehoe, of Clayton-le-Moors, Lancashire spotted in a letter from the Post Office:
‘When we closed your account the balance was £0.00. We will look after this for you until you claim it’.
Daily Mail
Daily Telegraph readers complained about people not sending thank you letters and David Greenway, of Andover, Hampshire wrote about his grandmother: ‘She would send half a ten shilling note, and only when you had written to thank her did you get the other half’.
Daily Telegraph
Some of the strange requests for money received by the National Lottery:
To respray a Cortina
Buy a pub
Set up a dinosaur farm
Publish evidence to prove Einstein and Isaac Newton were wrong
Independent on Sunday
Noël Coward wrote to one of his critics: ‘Sir, I am seated in the smallest room in the house. Your review is in front of me. In a moment it will be behind me.’
Independent
Homer Simpson, pot-bellied head of America’s most dysfunctional family, has made it into the Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations – alongside such literary luminaries as George Bernard Shaw and Oscar Wilde. One of his chosen quotes:
‘Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.’
Sun
Joan Rivers was in caustic form at the finals of Miss Great Britain. ‘It’s not just about surface beauty. We’ve got 50 girls here. Two of them even know their names’.
Asked for beauty tips she said: ‘Wear a really heavy bag over your face. The older you get the longer the bag has to get.’
The Times
People from Cork have a reputation of looking upon themselves as superior to their fellow countrymen, and have been subjected to a Book of Corkmen Jokes. (By Des McHale, Mercier Press). It opens with:
A Corkman reported his car stolen and the police asked if he had got a good look at the thief.
‘No’, said the Corkman, ‘but I’ve got his number’.
The Times
Every month the UK Intellectual Property Office receives around 500 inventions, and the Daily Telegraph reports on some wacky ones:
A contraption to facilitate the birth of a child by centrifugal force. The mother-to-be is strapped to a table that spins around at high speed. The baby is forced out and caught in a net.
A ladder to let spiders climb out of the bath.
An airman’s helmet with fitted pop-up parachute.
A cat flap with a colour sensor which would admit the designer’s ginger tom, but block the passage of his neighbour’s black moggie.
Daily Telegraph
James Bond actor Daniel Craig was asked what it was like being an international star.
He replied: ‘Well, I get to hang around with all the best women, drive the fastest cars, travel in speedboats and private jets, sleep in the best hotels and have beautiful women pursuing me from all over the world… It’s absolutely bloody awful.’
Daily Mail
My friend’s four-year-old girl announced very loudly at the ballet: ‘Look Mum, that man is hiding his sweeties where I hide mine.’
Mrs. S. Smith, Uxbridge. Daily Mail
Guardian diarist Jon Henley reports on two impressive toilet seats:
The Kohler C3 which has cleansing wands, heated seat with three temperature settings, warm air fan, lighted bowl, deodorizer, Quiet-Close seat and full remote control.
The Clean Seat Matic with Automatic Infrared-Activated Voice Chip, which not only lines itself with paper but reminds users to flush it and broadcasts up to three minutes of advertisements.
Guardian
During the Dunkirk retreat Major General Lord Burnham encountered his son on the beach. He greeted him with: ‘I see you failed to shave this morning’.
W. F. Deedes in the Daily Telegraph
At the height of a gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
Aberdeen Evening Express / BBC News Quiz
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’
Daily Telegraph / BBC News Quiz
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, ‘This sort of thing is all too common’.
The Times
If you are pleasantly surprised at being able to squeeze into 32inch waist jeans – don’t celebrate too soon. Some fashion companies flatter their customers – both men and women – by understating the true waistline.
Example: jeans claiming to be a slim-fit 30 can be actually 36. It’s known as ‘vanity sizing’.
Daily Mail
While we are being urged to help save the planet by turning off the TV standby, Les Deakin, of Warrington, writes: ‘What about the rest? There is the microwave, oven clock, refrigerator, freezer, burglar alarm, doorbell, computer, bedroom TV, DVD, Freeserve box, porch light, central heating controller, radio alarm clock and the Economy 7 timer’.
Mr Deakin feels that by the time you have gone round switching them all off, it could well be time to get up and put them on again.
The Times
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Prize (awarded for deliberately bad writing) is named after the author who began his novel with the immortal words ‘It was a dark and stormy night’. The 2007 winner of the Adventure Category was:
‘As the hippo’s jaws clamped on Henry’s body he noted its teeth were badly in need of a clean, preferably with one of those electric sonic tooth-brushes, and he reflected that his name would be immortalised by his unusual death, since hippo killings are not a daily occurrence, at least not in the high street of Chipping Sodbury.’
Tim Lafferty, Woking, Surrey.
Independent on Sunday
It’s a myth that women are chatterboxes who never let a man get a word in edgeways. The most prolific talker during a series of tests was a man who yakked his way through 47,000 words a day. The most effusive woman managed a mere 40,000.
David Beckham speaks at 174 words a minute.
Dame Helen Mirren – 153 words a minute.
Peter O’Sullivan, racing commentator – 238.
JK Rowling – 169.
Churchill spoke at 111 words a minute.
The Times
The organisers of the Two Moors music festival in Devon spent two years raising £26,000 to buy a Bosendorfer piano – which is to a pianist what a Stradivarius is to a string player. But, when being unloaded from its lorry, the piano slipped and crashed 8ft down an embankment.
The noise made by the falling Rolls-Royce of grand pianos was described as being like ‘ten honky tonk pianos being hit by mallets’.
The Times, Telegraph, Mail, Guardian
Rock singer and millionaire green queen Sheryl Crow wants us to save the planet by using only one sheet of toilet paper per visit to the loo.
Jan Moir explodes: ‘One! Quite how this diktat is to be policed is anyone’s guess.’
Daily Telegraph
T
o help save the planet from free plastic bags Sainsbury’s offered an iconic ‘I’m Not A Plastic Bag’ bag. Rachel Thomas, of Tunbridge Wells, queued up to get hers and the lady at the checkout kindly put it in a plastic carrier bag and wished her a good day.
The Times
In May 2007 the Daily Telegraph celebrated the 100th anniversary of the birth of John Wayne, who embodies almost everything Hollywood now considers politically incorrect – a tough talking, red-blooded man’s man, pro-war patriot and, in his own words, a ‘right wing conservative extremist’. His real name was Marion Robert Morrison and his quotes include:
‘A man’s godda do what a man’s godda do’
‘Women have the right to work wherever they want as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home’.
Daily Telegraph
When the Cutty Sark was ravaged by fire at Greenwich in May 2007 every paper carried pages and pages of the clipper’s glorious history from the moment it slid into the Clyde in 1869. The Times recorded how she was a modern vessel in her day. ‘She had lavatories at a time when answering a call of nature was usually done by squatting over the ship’s side.’
The Times
In August 2007 a postcard was delivered to Anthony Ely, of Winthorpe, Lincolnshire, along with an apology for delay. It was posted in August 1908.
The Times
Sherwood Forest was astir when it was revealed that a blockbuster film was being made portraying the Sheriff of Nottingham as a good guy trying to keep the peace while Robin Hood was just some young thug in a Lincoln-green hoodie.
The Guardian harrumphed: ‘Robin a baddie? Lay off our legend, Hollywood.’
Guardian
In 1997 David Ashcroft won £12.3 million on the National Lottery and he said at the time that his win would not change his way of life.
Ten years later the Daily Mail reported that David, 40, still lives in the same three bedroom terraced house in Liverpool with his parents. He still works as a furniture restorer – the job he trained for as a teenager. But he did buy a new van, double glazed the family home, and has a caravan in North Wales where they go on holiday. He has never travelled abroad, does not drink or smoke – but has the occasional cream cake.
Daily Mail
In June 2007 London celebrated the 200th anniversary of the arrival of street gas lamps. Lamp attendant Martin Caulfield was there lighting a lamp near Big Ben wearing a traditional bowler hat. He is one of London’s six lamplighters still on the job.
Daily Telegraph
A survey revealed some of the oddball items left behind in hotel rooms:
A stuffed crocodile
A wooden leg
A pet dog
A racing bike worth £19,000
The survey did not reveal why a carrot found in a bed was wrapped in cling film.
Independent on Sunday
A newly unearthed copy of a 1694 volume entitled The Ladies Dictionary – Being a General Entertainment of the Fair Sex, is described as a virtual Cosmopolitan of its time. It dismisses thin women as ‘scragged, sad-looking and not comely’ and says ‘a painted face is enough to destroy the reputation of her that uses it’.
The Times
Angela Kenny, of East Kilbride, Scotland – Britain’s biggest Lottery winner – went shopping soon after picking up £35.4 million… At a discount centre which slashes prices on brand names and sells cheap seconds.
Sun
A 51-year-old amateur sailor from Newquay, Cornwall, capsized his catamaran dozens of times, costing the RNLI thousands of pounds in rescue missions.
His boat was called Mischief and the RNLI called him Captain Calamity.
They advised the accident prone enthusiast to find a new hobby.
Daily Telegraph
Owen Jenkins, of Lowestoft, Suffolk, writes about arriving with a small band of sailors at Cork railway station on a Saturday night soon after the Second World War. They asked for the time of the last train to Cobh and a guard said:
‘Well now, about what time would you lads be wanting to go?’
‘About half-past nine’, they replied.
‘Right then. Come and tell me when you are all aboard and then we’ll be off.’
The Times
Actress Sienna Miller discussed her eco-credentials and said: ‘It’s impossible in my industry to not travel… I don’t think I can stop flying at the moment, but I can start having less baths.’
Independent on Sunday
The World Series of Poker rolled into London town in September 2007 and one of the top guns let it be known that he can cut a carrot in half by flicking a playing card at it.
The Times
A whole lotta faking going on. There are 80,000 Elvis Presley impersonators worldwide. When the BBC began a search for the best, Broadcasting House was seething with Elvises: tall, short, macho, weedy, adolescent, and ‘old enough to know better’.
Daily Mail Weekend magazine
At a time when Captain Alexander Stewart was fighting in the World War I trenches, officialdom wanted to know how many pairs of socks his company had. When he replied that there were 141 and a half there was an immediate memo demanding to know at once, ‘How you come to be deficient of one sock?’ He replied: ‘Man lost his leg.’
Guardian
The Penny Pincher’s Book, by John and Irma Mustoe, is described in the Daily Mail as ‘a cult guide for 21st century misers’. Among its recommendations:
Turn old rubber gloves into elastic bands
Keep candles in the fridge to make them burn slower
Use a pepper shaker for olive oil – it releases less than pouring from a bottle
Chew beeswax instead of expensive nicotine gums
Buy anti-freeze in the summer when it is cheaper
Never go to a supermarket on an empty stomach because hungry shoppers are more likely to snap up expensive sweets and snacks
Re-use junk mail envelopes by turning them inside out then glue the edges
Wash your hands in cold water
Cut Brillo pads, nylon scourers, dusters and sponges in half
Daily Mail
The Ig Nobel awards for ludicrous investigations are produced by a science humour magazine called Annals of Improbable Research. In 2007 the language prize went to Barcelona University for proving that rats cannot tell the difference between Japanese being spoken backwards and Dutch being spoken backwards. The biology prize went to a Brit, Brian Whitcomb, who established that amateur sword-swallowers are subject to sore throats.
Independent
Barcelona was also the scene of an ‘inspiring act of endurance, courage and accomplishment’ when Britain’s Wayne Iles blew through a straw and sent a Malteser a world-record distance of 11ft 0.2inches.
Independent on Sunday (from the Guinness Book of Records)
Noël Coward took a taxi from the Savoy to the Dorchester and his driver grumbled about picking up a fare for such a short trip. Noël paid the five shillings fare and gave a £20 tip saying: ‘If you had been more polite you would have received my usual tip’.
The Times
Chris Harding, of Parkstone, Dorset, was advised that the best way to tip a ship’s steward was to give him a bank note torn in half. If he got satisfaction the steward got the other half at the end of the journey.
The Times
Millionaire Nubar Gulbenkian reputedly put a ten shilling note on the table when sitting down to dine in a restaurant, telling the waiter: ‘Yours if I’m satisfied, mine if I’m not.’
David Sinclair, Isington, Hampshire. The Times
Following the Gulbenkian tipping story, Mike Mitchell, of Hove, Sussex, wrote: I think it was the same gentleman who scorned luxury limousines and chose a traditional London taxi, boasting that ‘It can turn on a sixpence – whatever that is’.
The Times
In January 1992 a container was washed off a cargo ship – releasing thousands of plastic toy ducks into the Pacific Ocean. In June 2007 The Times reported:
‘A flotilla of plastic ducks is heading for British beaches… after journeying nearly 17,000 miles.’ Two children’s books have been written about the saga and the ducks have become collector’s items, changing hands for £500.
The Times
Alan Jenkins, of Port Talbot, Glamorgan, had a tattoo of his girlfriend’s face on his back, but, after 15 years, they split up. Philosophically, Alan said ‘I’ve got some room on my chest if I get hooked up again.’
Sunday Times / Daily Mirror
At the last count, 12,682 designs for toothbrushes had been lodged at the patents office.
Daily Telegraph
A survey of wit by the digital TV channel Dave produced these examples:
‘I have nothing to declare except my genius’ (Oscar Wilde)
‘Clement Attlee is a modest man who has much to be modest about’ (Winston Churchill)
‘Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything’ (William Shakespeare)
‘I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one’ (Brian Clough)
57% of those surveyed thought that men are wittier then women – and there were no female entries in the top ten.
Daily Mail
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they realised that ball point pens would not work at zero gravity. A multi-dollar investment and two years of tests resulted in a pen that could write upside down on almost any surface and at any temperature from below freezing to over 300°C. When confronted by the same problem the Russians used a pencil.