Remember Tonight

by Chelsea Landon

  Callan doesn’t move right away, his eyes on mine when he does, a slow movement as if he’s wanting this to last, or waiting to torture me.

  He lowers his lips to my throat when he begins to move a little faster, but still, he’s not rushing. It may be torture, but it’s the sweetest torture. “There’s so much more to sex if you feel it.” He says, keeping his eyes locked on mine. “Let yourself feel.”

  I am. For the first time, I am feeling.

  Within in a minute, I realize he has a way that he moves. A swagger that only he can pull off. And he knows he’s that good. He’s confident he’s going to make me feel what no one has ever made me feel. Instantly I feel like there’s a heat building and I’m gasping and whimpering at what he’s giving me, something no one else has cared to give.

  He’s not just fucking me. Callan could never do that. It’s not in his heart to do so. This is in his heart.

  His mouth nips at my skin, his hands on my ass forcing me into every move he’s making. Then he leans back so he can see me laid before him. His hands move from my ass to my breasts and then down my curves.

  “Come for me, darlin’. Just one more. . .come for me. . .” he begs in a low raspy voice that makes me shiver, rattles my bones and pleads for more, “give me one more.”

  He’s begging for me to give in and give him what I’ve never given anyone else.

  It’s not his movements that do it, though they’re enough, it’s that voice and those words.

  Wanting to give all that, my body arches, curving around him, my hips angling just enough that nothing remains of my control. I’m gone completely.

  He groans, low, deep within in his chest as if this sight is too much to bare for him. “That’s it, baby.”

  A grin forms and he knows that I came, exactly what he wanted. Those diamond cut eyes travel up my body laid before him as his strong, confident hands splay over my stomach and then go lower. He squeezes my hips bringing me into each thrust he’s giving.

  Bending forward, he groans, touching his forehead to mine. His lips part and then they’re on mine next, kissing me with an intensity I’ve never felt before. Our mouths are colliding, tongues tangling and breathing heavy. Words fall from his lips, but I can’t hear them, all I feel is pleasure that shoots through me and blinds me, makes me only see him and feel what he’s asking me to. Someone giving me a piece of me. I never thought this could feel like this.

  Just as I don’t want it to end, his thrusts come a little faster and I know what’s coming. He’s breathing hard, chest heaving, every muscle tensed as he hovers above me. He looks at me, a quick glance, then his eyes dip low. He slams into me two more times, his eyes squeezing shut. Wanting to make him feel an ounce of what I’m feeling, I grind my hips.

  As I watch him, there is a broken part of me that is bleeding into him, a whisper away from dying. I know he feels it too. He’ll remember tonight. I feel it in my bones and the way he’s shaking around me.

  I feel like it lasts forever, or maybe it’s just me wanting it to. I think about the first time I saw him around that fire and now, the change in him is so obvious. My hands grip the back of his neck, sliding over damp skin.

  “Holy shit. . .” he pants, slumping forward but still supported by his shaking arms.

  “You’re welcome,” I say, my lips curving into a smile when his lips brush mine, his knuckles on my cheek. “Was it an eight second ride?”

  He laughs, his voice vibrating my entire body. “I’ll never qualify when it comes to you.”

  Just as the night sky releases its hold, the sunrise dances over the flat lands and my mind is doing circles with it. A dance the two know very well. It starts with a burst of orange, clouds parting to reveal the beauty as if they have to. There’s fog rolling off the pasture as it usually does in the mornings and that burst of orange making it glow. When I look up at the sky, half is deep shades of blue, hanging on while the other moves between purple, pink and orange. It’s beautiful.

  As I sit there with Callan, the barn doors open to the pasture, us wrapped in a blanket, I see just how much he has made me feel that emotion I was missing. He’s a feeling for something better. He’s that burst of orange for me.

  There is no sound out there. Nothing. It was as if the world has stopped and it’s just us. This feeling, what I know, what I want to believe is that it won’t ever go away. Even when he leaves, I can have this feeling because he’s given it to me. Right? It’s a gift. A way. More than a memory.

  “Did you ever think you’d be fucking around with the farmer’s daughter?” I tease, not meaning for it to sound dirty, but it does.

  Callan’s body tenses. “Don’t talk that way.” His voice is harsh and I’m beginning to understand that he doesn’t like when I refer to it as fucking around. He doesn’t like it when I talk like that at all. “I’m not fucking around with you.”

  My heart skips.

  “You sore?” He asks pressing his lips to my temple.

  “Not from Hammer. . .” I smile leaning into his touch. “But from you? Yeah.”

  I don’t know too much about Callan but as we sit there, I want to know a little more despite him leaving. I’ve never wanted to get to know anyone for fear of getting hurt. But I wanted to know him. “What’s it like being on the pro rodeo circuit?”

  “Lots of travel and it’s so damn hard on your body.” He picks up a piece of straw beside him and then tosses it aside. “It’s rewarding too.”

  “Do you get hurt a lot?”

  He nods against my shoulder, his arms wrap around my chest and kiss it softly. “Every time. Some aren’t as bad as others but then there’s sometimes where I’m laid up for a few weeks.”

  “Are you ever scared?”

  “No. I mean, you can’t be scared. Having confidence is key. You’re man versus beast. You gotta learn how to make moves in response to the bull and stay on. There’s always gonna be a certain amount of fear, but there’s adrenaline there too, and you gotta know that nothing you expect to happen is gonna happen.”

  I breathe in deep, fresh morning air that makes me smile. “So Reed and Ty are pro too?”

  “No, just Reed and I. Ty just turned eighteen two months ago and got his permit but once you apply for your pro card you gotta win twenty-five hundred before they’ll grant your license.”

  I feel like I’m getting to know him and it’s all so strange and different from what I’ve done in the past or from the last few weeks with him ignoring me

  Callan doesn’t seem too interested in moving either. He’s slow touching and soft breathing. A gentle kiss only to wrap his arms around me a little tighter. It’s exactly what I want.

  The way I feel in his arms watching the sunrise, the cool crisp morning shivering my sinning soul, it’s like never before. I feel things happening, what I’m not sure, but I want to know. I feel me. I feel him around me and I like the two together.

  We’re sitting in silence, but it’s unbearable for me because there are so many questions I have for him right now. Leaving has me asking things I probably shouldn’t.

  “How old were you when your mom died?”

  His breath blows over my ear, a heavy sigh and I can’t tell whether I made him mad or not. Twisting my head, I look back at him. “Sorry. . .I just thought. . .”

  He shakes his head. “It’s okay. . .I was five. . .I think. Dani’s sixteen now so yeah, I was five.”

  “Do you remember her?” My mind goes to Jackson and how even when I want it, I can’t stop his memory.

  “Yeah. Always will. She was the sweetest woman, good heart, beautiful and loved us boys so much.” The devotion in his voice is clear that he’s speaking about a woman he loved very much regardless of not having her around.

  “And your dad never remarried?”

  He shakes his head again. “Nah, he loved one woman and he never moved on. He kept busy raising four kids on his own.” Callan laughs, the motion shaking the both of us. “It wasn’t easy.”


  “I can’t imagine that was easy on Dani having three older brothers.”

  “Ah, well,” his arms tighten around me, his lips pressing into the bare skin of my shoulder. “She managed just fine. She’s the meanest out of all of us.”

  “So Dani. . .what’s she gonna do now?”

  “She was living with my aunt after pops got sick. She’s gonna finish up school in Decatur and live with me and Ty.” And then Callan’s jaw runs over my shoulder, scrapping my skin in the slightest touch and I sigh, my eyes drifting closed. “I saw you taking care of Shep. . .you always been that good with animals?”

  “I guess. I’ve always had a soft spot for them.” I say. “I used to work summers at a veterinarian hospital up the street. And then I didn’t. I was that kid bringing home every stray animal I could find.”

  “And then you didn’t?”

  “Well. . .” I pause, not sure what to tell him and then I tell him the truth. “Dr. Peterson was the vet, Jackson’s dad. After he died, I just stopped showing up. I didn’t think he’d want to see me anymore.”

  “Why?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know.”

  He laughs lightly, knowing there is more to that shrug then I led on but not forcing me to explain. “Your love for them shows.”

  We’re quiet again and I can tell it’s nearing four in the morning when I hear the chickens.

  “Hey. . .” His voice comes closer to my ear. “I drew Shooter for tonight in Tulsa.”

  “Are you serious?” I twist in his arms to look at him. Shooter is the bull he rode the weekend before the World Championships and hoped to ride then, in anticipation, but he never drew him. Now was his chance at a rank bull no one has been able to cover.

  He nods, smiling wide, that same smile I saw the first night I met him. “I’ve been waiting a year to get another ride on him.”

  With a heavy sigh, Callan stands and reaches for his jeans when he knows it’s time he needs to head out.

  He’s smiling as he looks down at his buckle. A slow blush creeps over my cheeks. I roll my eyes, smiling myself, but looking out at the dry land.

  “You aren’t coming back here again, are you?” I ask propping myself up on my elbows. “Will you remember me?

  “I’ll remember tonight. . .” then he shrugs his defined shoulders flexing, “Well, last night I guess, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  I suppose he would remember. We had spent all night out here and had sex three more times. Nothing would ever compare to what I feel right now. Not even knowing he’s leaving. I will always feel this. He was right.

  I know he needs to get going, but I see it in the way he’s moving slower, he’s confused and he doesn’t want to leave. He kept telling me to feel all night, but he felt it too. He knows there is something more happening between us. He looks at me. “How’d you do this to me in a week?”

  “Once you get around those buckle bunnies you’ll forget.” I tease, winking at him. I’m not looking for him to say anything. He doesn’t have to. I know when he leaves me, this life I’ve always had will remain. And his will too. Something tells me he lives a wild life on the road and there is nothing wrong with that. I’m certainly not going to judge him.

  “You’re better than that,” he says to me, watching my face fall. He knows so much that I don’t ever have to say and don’t need to. “Don’t let them touch you like that. Don’t let them take something that’s not theirs. You give, you don’t take.”

  “Unless it’s a bull you’re riding. Then you take?” I’m teasing again wanting to draw the conversation from me.

  “Baby,” he grins pulling his shirt over his shoulders. “Nothing’s the same when you’re on a bull. A beast decides your fate.”

  I think back to what he’s just said before the beast decides your fate. The part about me being better than I am. I’m not sure I believe that I’m better than that. But I do like the way he cares enough to say that to me. He’s the first one who has.

  I look up at him wrapping the blanket around my shoulders. “Would it be too much. . .too soon. . .if I said, I’m depressed you’re leaving?”

  He smiles and gives my shoulder a bump with his own when he sits back down next to me. “Well, I would have to say. . .you wouldn’t be the only one who was bucked off.”

  The thought that he wants just a little of what I do sends my heart for a thrill, pounding, and then evening out when I draw in a breath. It’s like a roller coaster that finally reaches the peak and on the downward. That rush you get.

  “So I got to you, eight seconds?”

  He laughs at the name I’ve given him and winks. “I guess you did.”

  I kiss his t-shirt clad shoulder. Turning his head, he gives my forehead a quick brush of his lips. Then he gets up and reaches for his hat by my clothes. I’m still sitting on the hay bale from last night as he stands in front of me. Dropping to his knees he pulls me to the edge of the bale and smiles, no doubt remembering last night when both our eyes flicker to that belt buckle. I’ll never see another buckle without remembering.

  He wants to go again, probably because I’m naked still with only a blanket loosely around my shoulders and I see the look in his eyes but after three times in one day, I know he needs to go. There is a little spark in his eyes that tells me there will be a part of him that’ll be here with me long after he’s gone.

  I wonder what he’s done to me. He’s given me hope I didn’t know I had anymore. A little piece of wonder that I’m more than feeling. He’s giving me hope that I might get back that part of my innocence that is lying beside a white cross at a sharp bend in the road.

  When I look up at Callan, I wonder what it will feel like when he’s gone. I see what this lifestyle means for him. But there is also courage in what he does and heart in everything he says, loving with his buckle busted ways. There’s pain in his eyes and there’s glory in his mind. He’s a bull rider, bare and bloody palms, broken but believing, holding on for eight seconds. And that’s exactly what I’m holding onto, his eight seconds he gave me.

  “You’re gonna be late,” I say pushing him away, knowing he needs to leave if he’s going to make it to Tulsa this afternoon.

  He smiles, but he’s stalling. He doesn’t want to leave. “I’m a bull rider. We’re always running late.”

  Callan senses my hesitation because he has it too. “Take care of yourself, Alanna.” His calloused fingers brush over my cheek. “You’re a beautiful girl and you deserve better than the losers you’ve been with.”

  “I’ll be sure to hold out for a hero.” I tease, running my hands over his chest. “Until the morning light. . .”

  “I hope you don’t mean me. . .” He laughs shaking his head and then tips his hat up as he stands and reaches for my hand. “I’m no hero.”

  “Callan. . .” I stand with him wrapping my arms around him and let the blanket fall away. Before I can say anything his arms wrap around me, his lips brushing my temple. He swears softly, groaning. “You did that on purpose.”

  “Maybe a little.”

  His hands don’t stray from my hips though, they could go lower but he holds back.

  By the look on his face, he knows he’s potentially holding my heart in his hands. It’s too early to say something like that to him. I don’t know that I love him, but I also don’t want him to leave. I want to see where this could go.

  “I know what you’re going to say to me. . .” He presses a firmer kiss to my forehead and pulls away, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “Then let me say it.”

  He doesn’t and starts to walk away. It hurts, a sudden pain jolts my heart. He looks back, he doesn’t want to leave. His bag hangs over his left shoulder as he adjusts it. “Nah, how about you come see me in Tulsa and tell me then?”

  Go see him? As in, leave Amarillo?

  The words hang there between us, waiting and I smile.

  The rest of my summer just got a little more interesting. I’ve dreamed of leaving this tow
n and now might be my chance.

  I don’t answer him but as I watch him walk away, sometimes things don’t need to be said. They only ruin the moment. I didn’t want to ruin this with some cheesy cliché of a goodbye.

  This wasn’t our goodbye. I knew that much.

  I know it right then by the way I feel watching him walk away. He’s gonna break my heart and test my trust with those buckle busted ways. There’s no denying that, but I bet it’ll be one hell of a ride for my bruised but believing heart.

  When I hear his truck pull away, I hurry to get my clothes and get my morning chores done. Then I make my way upstairs, quietly.

  Once I’m inside my room, Jessie’s in there sleeping in my bed. I kick at the bed. “What are you doing in here?”

  “Cody is a fuckin’ asshole so I came to party with you and saw you in the barn, so I came up here.” Jessie yawns and sits up, two beer cans in my bed fall to the floor. “What the hell were you doing in there?”

  “Eight seconds.”

  I can barely keep the tears from my eyes when I realize he’s really gone and I have no idea why I feel this way. And then it hits me, I can follow him. I can go see him in Tulsa.

  I’m eighteen now, what’s going to stop me? This is my chance. This is me being me and doing something for myself. Who’s to stop me?

  My phone beeps on my nightstand and I think it might be Callan since I gave him my number so I look down at it. It’s Kasey and my heart hurts reading his message.

  Kasey: Are you available tonight?

  Like I can be scheduled or something.

  Callan was absolutely right. I am better than this. I’m not that girl and I deserve someone to love me, or at least try to. I’ve known Callan a few weeks. I can’t say that I love him because I think the word is sorely overused these days, but I’m certainly wanting to know if I can. There’s something in those eyes and that smile that make me wonder. So I’m heading to Tulsa.